It's been a while again. I have spent the last two days making origami cranes and I've hung eighteen from my ceiling and have taken to blowing air at them to make them fly around each other.
I'm having... trouble. I have spent the last near enough two weeks in bed. Well nearly in bed. I have moved through the house like a ghost only really surfacing to see a friendly face someone who kinda reaches into me and drags me out of this little cage I've put myself in. Last week my mom had the week off, which meant she saw the day to day routine, of going to bed late, waking up at half one, getting dressed at five, sitting, doing nothing, surviving, breathing. I have filled my time with paper folding, I haven't raged and ranted and cried my bleeding heart out. I've sat. And filled myself with nothing because now I think I really know what loss is.
I am feeling so lost. Just adrift in a sea of women drama and women chaos and women words. I think the gravity of it all has finally sunk into me and I hurt. I ache in a place I've never ached before. Something that doesn't surface, it just seems to bury deeper and deeper and this self isolation is beginning to consume me.
I'm glad of one thing out of all of this, there is someone actively there, I get at least a text message every day, she drags me out of the house and for a few hours its like there's a hand on the wound and the pain stops pouring out of me. I feel fucked up and used beyond recognition.
I'm completely exhausted, I'm not eating right, I'm not sleeping properly and I know exactly what I should be doing, I should be pulling myself together, I just.... lack the strength anymore.
I am not wallowing, I'm occupying my mind with a lack of thought, there's this big mental block, I refuse to think anymore, I just exist as a body with a mind inside it.
Have you ever felt like, the universe was saying one thing and one thing alone to you? Its not laughing at you, there is no conspiracy against you, your completely rational and logical, but everything that happens around you is separate from you so you become like this particle drifting along in an ocean because there's nothing left to worry about or think about or get upset about or get paranoid about or stress about and actually because your so wrapped up in yourself, if anything did happen it would just glance off you like water off a ducks back. And that one thing is only this: Welcome to your life. You've always been living it, but never really paying that much attention because your so good at surrounding yourself with people that make drama to entertain themselves because they have nothing else in life. So welcome to your life.
Maybe I've got this chance to better myself now. Maybe I've got this massive opportunity to sit back and become that recluse I've always predicted I'd become. I'm not waiting for anything anymore. I'm not waiting for life to start with someone. Because suddenly it feels like I've got my life back, its not dictated by someone, its not someone elses business all the time, its like I have myself back.
But oddly. As beautiful as this revelation is, I know one thing: I am not alright. But I will be.
I have not fallen into a drunken whirlwind of one night stands and making an ass of myself. I will be alright and not for anybody else's benefit. I will be alright for me. I will answer to me. I will not be owned or belong to anyone. I will not be someones play thing, or just this person to get attention of when someone elses is lonely.
I'm bitter. I'm cynical. I've accepted this. I'm angry. Very angry. So much so that one day I believe I will breathe fire and smoke will come out of my ears because all of it. Letting go has never been an issue for me. Accepting things are gone also not an issue. Accepting what people have done is an issue. I see no karma or justification for it. But someday. It will happen, whether or not I'm there to see it.
I'm not talking to anyone today because the people around me, or at least most of them wouldn't listen, and if they did it would be to indulge me and then complain about it later. Or they would expect something profound and unsettling to spring forth. There is one thing I've never taken into consideration, every day of my life I've tried to relate to people, tried to talk, tried to listen, tried to get just one person on this earth to understand even a little bit of who I am, sure they get the surface, they get the mannerisms they get the strange sense of humour and the bizzarity. But they never get me. They never see whats under the surface, they pretend, they really do, but here's the thing, the ultimate cruncher that is destined to change my view of 'people' forever and a day: Nobody will ever understand me, like I do.
Its impossible for anyone to understand the intricate detail of every emotion and reaction because they don't feel the way you do. So why trust someone with that detail? Why trust someone to take a peak inside and see what your made of? I will never make that mistake again.
Sure it is a mistake really to put all of this here, because it is so personal and so public at the same time. And sure really this is a pile of self indulgent crap anyway and nobody cares.
Its wrong in fact because if a certain person reads this I'd get it in the neck because this is how I feel and god me i'm not allowed to have a broad spectrum of emotion. But the thing is, this is just a computer screen to me, these are just words, what you make of them is different to what I make of them. And really how I depict my emotion is as good as fiction to you anyway.
Thursday, 20 August 2009
Sunday, 26 July 2009
Euphoria
Saturday I had the best night of my life. It consisted of my friends BBQ. Drinking from four in the afternoon, eating very little and finding this amazing place within myself. I drank a fair bit at my friend's house but when we got on the town I threw the vodka down my throat and when we moved from the pub to the club... I found myself very lashed but completely unrestrained.
If you've ever locked yourself in a box, with all your insecurity and doubt and suddenly exploded out of that into the euphoria of an evening, you'll know where it was I went. I found myself completely free, I was flying mentally, I didn't care if I looked like a prat, I was just completely gone out in a freefall and nothing could've stopped me.
Half the night escapes me even now, because I was in a different place, happy, just blissfully happy, I got in at half two this morning rolled into bed and couldn't sleep, woke up at seven and couldn't go back to sleep, drifted off eventually and then woke up at eleven.
Needless to say I haven't moved very far since I woke up. But that doesn't matter.
If you've ever locked yourself in a box, with all your insecurity and doubt and suddenly exploded out of that into the euphoria of an evening, you'll know where it was I went. I found myself completely free, I was flying mentally, I didn't care if I looked like a prat, I was just completely gone out in a freefall and nothing could've stopped me.
Half the night escapes me even now, because I was in a different place, happy, just blissfully happy, I got in at half two this morning rolled into bed and couldn't sleep, woke up at seven and couldn't go back to sleep, drifted off eventually and then woke up at eleven.
Needless to say I haven't moved very far since I woke up. But that doesn't matter.
Tuesday, 21 July 2009
Nothing Lasts
It was as if she had taken one of those pastry cutters, the kind used for cutting biscuits, pressed it into my chest for long enough and then went away with a big bit of muscle, still beating in the shape. And I was truely miserable.
Monday, 20 July 2009
Forever is Never
Some days the people who rescue us are never the people we expect. I usually imagine the most beautiful woman on earth sweeping me up on a horse to ride off into the sunset, and then we'd find her home was a beautiful fairy castle and we'd make mad passionate love on every surface within this castle before me lying in her arms and her telling me just how okay it was.
I slowed down somewhat, a lot really, took a good look at the situation I was in and today it finally ended. Thus ends this relationship for the last time. Nothing happened, the sky did not shatter into a million pieces and time did not freeze completely... I did not walk down the road howling in pain while my face reddened with tears, there was no thunderstorm, there was no cinematic afterward, I was not struck down by a vehicle, I did not run and have others follow. There was no music in the background, there was only blue skies and sunshine. Instead it was a 19 year old boy, out of the blue texting me asking me if I would be down the pub Thursday. A brief conversation and some concern later and he actually did exactly what I needed at that moment. I needed to know I was doing something this week, I needed to know people cared and I needed to know that someone, if I needed them, would be there even if it was just to get pissed with and cover up the wounds with a bit of old rag.
A hundred entries in this thing, with a good portion missing actually, and talk about a journey. And I'm so weary. The inevitable destination has arrived. Woopee. Someone crack out the cider. So why is it that I feel nothing? Because I already knew? Yes. Because I've spent every day since I met her morning her loss, yes. Because I've been pushed and pulled to the point where I don't know whether I'm coming or going... yes. Or just maybe, at the very end I really did just let go and do what I always do when I know the end is near: harden up, slam the door and build a new wall to keep them out. I once described myself to a therapist, saying that my defenses were like liquid and I would freeze them around people depending on the circumstances the would not move, they would not breathe in my world until I commanded it. And when it was safe for them to return to my world and they would not be trampling all over sore bits, then and only then they would be able to walk free.
Really what I was trying to say was something close to the 'you will sit on the naughty step for x amount of minutes and think about what you've done.' And in a sense it works. And I think today I slipped back into my old shell and took back to it. Mix cornflour and water in a washing up bowl.... running your fingers through it slowly finds it a liquid, easy to maneuver in, yet apply and force or pressure and it acts like a solid and any force as in punching it with your hand will be, in a sense, thrown back at you by a slab of cornflower-water. Perfect metaphor. Basic physics. Who knew.
I slowed down somewhat, a lot really, took a good look at the situation I was in and today it finally ended. Thus ends this relationship for the last time. Nothing happened, the sky did not shatter into a million pieces and time did not freeze completely... I did not walk down the road howling in pain while my face reddened with tears, there was no thunderstorm, there was no cinematic afterward, I was not struck down by a vehicle, I did not run and have others follow. There was no music in the background, there was only blue skies and sunshine. Instead it was a 19 year old boy, out of the blue texting me asking me if I would be down the pub Thursday. A brief conversation and some concern later and he actually did exactly what I needed at that moment. I needed to know I was doing something this week, I needed to know people cared and I needed to know that someone, if I needed them, would be there even if it was just to get pissed with and cover up the wounds with a bit of old rag.
A hundred entries in this thing, with a good portion missing actually, and talk about a journey. And I'm so weary. The inevitable destination has arrived. Woopee. Someone crack out the cider. So why is it that I feel nothing? Because I already knew? Yes. Because I've spent every day since I met her morning her loss, yes. Because I've been pushed and pulled to the point where I don't know whether I'm coming or going... yes. Or just maybe, at the very end I really did just let go and do what I always do when I know the end is near: harden up, slam the door and build a new wall to keep them out. I once described myself to a therapist, saying that my defenses were like liquid and I would freeze them around people depending on the circumstances the would not move, they would not breathe in my world until I commanded it. And when it was safe for them to return to my world and they would not be trampling all over sore bits, then and only then they would be able to walk free.
Really what I was trying to say was something close to the 'you will sit on the naughty step for x amount of minutes and think about what you've done.' And in a sense it works. And I think today I slipped back into my old shell and took back to it. Mix cornflour and water in a washing up bowl.... running your fingers through it slowly finds it a liquid, easy to maneuver in, yet apply and force or pressure and it acts like a solid and any force as in punching it with your hand will be, in a sense, thrown back at you by a slab of cornflower-water. Perfect metaphor. Basic physics. Who knew.
Sunday, 19 July 2009
.... and then I looked out of my window and it was raining
If I leave myself away from people long enough a strange thing happens. Firstly I have an odd tantrum, consisting mostly of 'I don't want to be alone'. But eventually, if I pull away slowly enough and can then tolerate my own company again something very odd happens. I stop running. You know that rushing, snowball effect drama, stress and life can have? Its as if someone snaps there fingers and it all melts away. I can go where I wish. Do as I wish. And have to answer to no one. And I can find infinate peace in nothingness.
Bizzare no? I can say I've done my own thing since yesturday morning maybe before then actually, I'm not sure, and there it is. I am just myself I can dream, I can say what I wish and I can think how I like. I've no obligation to anyone but myself. And today I savour this feeling because eventually the bubble with burst.
For now the pain is far away, the hurt is numbed and seperate from myself. I am really a magician, an escape artist of sorts and strangely enough, leave me alone for long enough and the baggage vanishes, the memories of everything ever done in the past year are forgotten, the chaos subsides and out of that something else appears. And I like to think, that something else is myself. So for now at least, its nice to be lonely.
Bizzare no? I can say I've done my own thing since yesturday morning maybe before then actually, I'm not sure, and there it is. I am just myself I can dream, I can say what I wish and I can think how I like. I've no obligation to anyone but myself. And today I savour this feeling because eventually the bubble with burst.
For now the pain is far away, the hurt is numbed and seperate from myself. I am really a magician, an escape artist of sorts and strangely enough, leave me alone for long enough and the baggage vanishes, the memories of everything ever done in the past year are forgotten, the chaos subsides and out of that something else appears. And I like to think, that something else is myself. So for now at least, its nice to be lonely.
Friday, 17 July 2009
Okay...
So I never did too well at staying away from a perfectly good outlet.
So. First question: How do you feel? A mixture of a lot of things thank you. Second question: Whats life looking like for you? Gained a few inches I suppose. Still an angry bugger. Still demending. Still needy. Still alive.
Have you ever got to the point where you just want to be heard... you keep saying the words but there not really going anywhere and the words you are saying are all the wrong ones and then you find yourself kicking yourself up the arse because everything your saying isn't really you at all. Well thats what I feel like. Think its just about time to stop speaking and start writing it all down. In one way or another.
Come on you pissing titbag what the hell are you doing!!?! I feel so much like I'm banging my head against a brick wall and blood's starting to come out of my ears. And the wall isn't anyone else but myself. I'm rushing too much. Keep snow balling. Need to bloody stop it. Need a bloody kick up the arse and a reality check.
Okay okay okay. Its fine there's a lot of stress there... your not good with stress. What else? I'm terrified things are happening beyond my control. Okay firstly (a conversation purely for myself) your not in control of anything darling. Secondly if things are going to happen there going to happen so stop worrying stop. Right now. Stop it! Thirdly. Be good to yourself. If your winding yourself up about a stupid thing like that then your clearly damaging yourself to begin with! Yeah and I know you can't really sit down and have a conversation with yourself and tell yourself exactly what your doing wrong and explain how to fix it. And I know that somethings are just built into your personality. But really babe. Really. You are on the verge of loosing it all if you do not stop and THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU ARE DOING!!? Head connecting with wall please. Really!?! Why are we even having this conversation you know what your doing so why are you doing it?! Your frightened thats fine your entitled to be but the only person your really hurting here is yourself. Hell if your not on the verge of loosing it all you already have just because your a bloody bone head and won't listen to reason. Come on now. Your not this person. This is not you. You should not have turned into this person. Come on. Fix it now. You don't get an infinate number of chances and guess what matey your running out of them. Your arguments are solid yes you don't know whats going on, shes not letting you be there, shes pushing you away, you want to make it all better, you want to know what the right thing to say is, you want to be there, you want to feel like she can't breathe without you. But just stop right there and remember she's got a life too. And think about her priorities and exactly who it is she's really going to listen to. And really your a shitbag mate! COME ON!!!?! Don't lie down and just let her walk all over you but at least TRY and be bloody understanding!!?! And no more self loathing and self pity! You can do that in your own time just not around her! So your going to sort yourself out your going to be calmer, your going to respond like NORMAL people do to things and your going to stop being so bloody volitile otherwise we're really going to have words my friend. Put all your dangerous bang bang chaos chaos screamy scream shit in a box! And only open that box when you are a) being creative b) exercising!!? YES YOU HEARD ME YOU LAZY BASTARD! YOU NEED TO DO MORE! or c) whatever else might need an extra boost of energy. Your capible of a lot and you know it. You shouldn't be being this destructive. Wake up!!
Okay... I'm sure telling yourself off isn't something normal... but sure. Okay. So lets do this.
So. First question: How do you feel? A mixture of a lot of things thank you. Second question: Whats life looking like for you? Gained a few inches I suppose. Still an angry bugger. Still demending. Still needy. Still alive.
Have you ever got to the point where you just want to be heard... you keep saying the words but there not really going anywhere and the words you are saying are all the wrong ones and then you find yourself kicking yourself up the arse because everything your saying isn't really you at all. Well thats what I feel like. Think its just about time to stop speaking and start writing it all down. In one way or another.
Come on you pissing titbag what the hell are you doing!!?! I feel so much like I'm banging my head against a brick wall and blood's starting to come out of my ears. And the wall isn't anyone else but myself. I'm rushing too much. Keep snow balling. Need to bloody stop it. Need a bloody kick up the arse and a reality check.
Okay okay okay. Its fine there's a lot of stress there... your not good with stress. What else? I'm terrified things are happening beyond my control. Okay firstly (a conversation purely for myself) your not in control of anything darling. Secondly if things are going to happen there going to happen so stop worrying stop. Right now. Stop it! Thirdly. Be good to yourself. If your winding yourself up about a stupid thing like that then your clearly damaging yourself to begin with! Yeah and I know you can't really sit down and have a conversation with yourself and tell yourself exactly what your doing wrong and explain how to fix it. And I know that somethings are just built into your personality. But really babe. Really. You are on the verge of loosing it all if you do not stop and THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU ARE DOING!!? Head connecting with wall please. Really!?! Why are we even having this conversation you know what your doing so why are you doing it?! Your frightened thats fine your entitled to be but the only person your really hurting here is yourself. Hell if your not on the verge of loosing it all you already have just because your a bloody bone head and won't listen to reason. Come on now. Your not this person. This is not you. You should not have turned into this person. Come on. Fix it now. You don't get an infinate number of chances and guess what matey your running out of them. Your arguments are solid yes you don't know whats going on, shes not letting you be there, shes pushing you away, you want to make it all better, you want to know what the right thing to say is, you want to be there, you want to feel like she can't breathe without you. But just stop right there and remember she's got a life too. And think about her priorities and exactly who it is she's really going to listen to. And really your a shitbag mate! COME ON!!!?! Don't lie down and just let her walk all over you but at least TRY and be bloody understanding!!?! And no more self loathing and self pity! You can do that in your own time just not around her! So your going to sort yourself out your going to be calmer, your going to respond like NORMAL people do to things and your going to stop being so bloody volitile otherwise we're really going to have words my friend. Put all your dangerous bang bang chaos chaos screamy scream shit in a box! And only open that box when you are a) being creative b) exercising!!? YES YOU HEARD ME YOU LAZY BASTARD! YOU NEED TO DO MORE! or c) whatever else might need an extra boost of energy. Your capible of a lot and you know it. You shouldn't be being this destructive. Wake up!!
Okay... I'm sure telling yourself off isn't something normal... but sure. Okay. So lets do this.
Sunday, 24 May 2009
The Burst Bubble
Ya know I've cried so much since yesterday around 5 o clock. I've done a good job of pushing it down where I can't feel it, until I popped. I just wanted one day away from everything. One day. Is that so FUCKING HARD!?! I wanted a good laugh, good times and just to forget everything. And they couldn't even do that could they. No they started arguing between themselves and then started on me. And I walked off. And got five minutes away before falling to pieces on a bench in the middle of town. And I was there for an hour. An hour for Christ's sake. I'm a complete train wreak. And it hurts so badly.
I didn't stop breaking down until I got home and my mom found me in bits. And she sat down and listened and that's all I wanted all day I just wanted someone to give a shit about me for a change instead of thinking about themselves constantly or everyone else. Just to focus on me for ten minutes because I actually do matter.
I don't think I've ever hurt so much in my life. I've had the worst eight months of my life and my heart ripped out more times then I can count and its not fair. What did I do? I chased after a girl with a girlfriend sure stupid. Sure shouldn't have bothered. And what happened? I got fucked over and fucked up. And she doesn't listen to me does she? Oh no. She doesn't. She won't see past anything that she believes to be correct. Apparently this situation is black, white and grey. Bullshit is it. Its black and white. You have a girlfriend. You stayed with your girlfriend and you dragged me along for 8 months and are still trying to do it. So with every respect: back off and leave me alone. Whats the grey then? I see no grey. Oh you love me is that it..... if you loved me you'd have dumped her the minute I said me or her! But no you know you can walk all over me and treat me like a fucking paid whore.
You've got your fairytale really. The girl you were with before is the girl you got back with. So fate should tell you that your perfect for each other. Cos she really gives a damn about you doesn't she. You could shag anyone tomorrow and she'd still lick your arse. And you know I won't take that. Cos I know I deserve better.
I deserve so much better then you. Your right I am far too good for you. Cos you've done nothing but treat me like crap since the day we met. And maybe this is all my fault and I started it all. Your intentions count for nothing.
I'm no saint. I've made mistakes. I've hurt you. But you've done worse. You've always had it all. And I've always had nothing but the skin on my back and this string to hold on to. This string attached to, but maybe this and maybe that and what if this and what if that. Just waiting for you to make a goddamn decision. And apparently you can't make this decision now eight months on from this all starting. So here's mine. I've let go of this string. And now I'm just simply floating away from you.
You can text me all you want about this but I'm not replying. You can try and phone me but I'm not answering. I am not yours. I don't belong to anyone and neither does my heart. This is the bubble bursting. This is the amnesia clearing. I'm not forgetting anymore. It hurts. Its your fault.
And this is the last post in this blog. Because I've had enough of baring my soul to you and getting nothing but trampled over. And I hope she knows I was in your bed Tuesday.
No more pretending. It's over.
I didn't stop breaking down until I got home and my mom found me in bits. And she sat down and listened and that's all I wanted all day I just wanted someone to give a shit about me for a change instead of thinking about themselves constantly or everyone else. Just to focus on me for ten minutes because I actually do matter.
I don't think I've ever hurt so much in my life. I've had the worst eight months of my life and my heart ripped out more times then I can count and its not fair. What did I do? I chased after a girl with a girlfriend sure stupid. Sure shouldn't have bothered. And what happened? I got fucked over and fucked up. And she doesn't listen to me does she? Oh no. She doesn't. She won't see past anything that she believes to be correct. Apparently this situation is black, white and grey. Bullshit is it. Its black and white. You have a girlfriend. You stayed with your girlfriend and you dragged me along for 8 months and are still trying to do it. So with every respect: back off and leave me alone. Whats the grey then? I see no grey. Oh you love me is that it..... if you loved me you'd have dumped her the minute I said me or her! But no you know you can walk all over me and treat me like a fucking paid whore.
You've got your fairytale really. The girl you were with before is the girl you got back with. So fate should tell you that your perfect for each other. Cos she really gives a damn about you doesn't she. You could shag anyone tomorrow and she'd still lick your arse. And you know I won't take that. Cos I know I deserve better.
I deserve so much better then you. Your right I am far too good for you. Cos you've done nothing but treat me like crap since the day we met. And maybe this is all my fault and I started it all. Your intentions count for nothing.
I'm no saint. I've made mistakes. I've hurt you. But you've done worse. You've always had it all. And I've always had nothing but the skin on my back and this string to hold on to. This string attached to, but maybe this and maybe that and what if this and what if that. Just waiting for you to make a goddamn decision. And apparently you can't make this decision now eight months on from this all starting. So here's mine. I've let go of this string. And now I'm just simply floating away from you.
You can text me all you want about this but I'm not replying. You can try and phone me but I'm not answering. I am not yours. I don't belong to anyone and neither does my heart. This is the bubble bursting. This is the amnesia clearing. I'm not forgetting anymore. It hurts. Its your fault.
And this is the last post in this blog. Because I've had enough of baring my soul to you and getting nothing but trampled over. And I hope she knows I was in your bed Tuesday.
No more pretending. It's over.
Try again
Rough up kid. No one's ever gonna be there for you the way they should be. No one's ever gonna love you the way you love them. Rough up and get through it. You wanna be listened, fight for it, scream until they hear no one else. And remember no one's gonna carry you, cos no one really gives a damn anymore.
Friday, 22 May 2009
Someday
Feel a bit... fixated. Locked on would be a good term. Just locked on to it again. Urgh. And its just screaming over and over in my head kinda like this: it was meant to be me. Why. Why all of this over and over again. Why can't you just let it go. Why can't you just let her go. Its not fair!! Why does this always happen to me! Why am I always left with nothing. Why. WHY!?!! etc. etc. etc.
I'm struggling.
I get this temporary amnesia around her and then she vanishes and all the pain comes back. All the rage. All the emotion bottled up so tight it just comes out as hostile aggression. Its not fair. How could she do this to me. How. Why. What did I do? What? I'm not a bad person really. Sure I have my flaws but I'm human right? I'm allowed to have them.
There are these people in life that aren't built to love right? Like there's people who are build to destroy everything they touch and others that are just built to succeed and out do everything. Maybe I just wasn't built to love or be loved for. Because there's this thing, this something that I can't seem to get past. Its like, I know its there, I can feel it, I know its there and the majority of it can belong to one person, I know that. I can give most of my heart away. I've done it before. Its just, there's an inch that just won't be had. Most of it is broken I know this much and there's an inch left. To be honest. Its been a never ending cycle, I'd open up, I'd let her see inside and then she'd hit me with a house brick. I was so strong, I just feel so tired and so chipped away at. I've got nothing left. I've got nothing left to give to anyone. I've barely got enough to keep me going let alone anyone else.
All of this fixing I did in the first place last year was for nothing. I filled the big empty space that had been left behind by a certain girl from Reading. I stopped being a heartless arse. I was okay. I was sound. And then she had a little bit of me, chewed it up and spat it out. And had another little bit and chewed it up and spat it out. Over and over and over. And slowly, I've got down to this last inch of beating muscle and its hardened and fortified and is refusing to budge. What have I ever done to you? You will not take everything from me. This bit is mine and you can back off if you think your ruining that too.
Or maybe I was built to love, because that last little bit of my heart is waiting for the right moment to belong to someone else. And now is not the right moment. Someday, someone isn't gonna take everything I've got, they'll give so much. And it'll be simple. And I won't be a paid whore. I will actually feel, like one sodding human being on this fucking planet really gives a damn and can't get enough of me. And it won't be me that loses. It'll be everyone else who had me and then lost be because they didn't know what they had when it was there. It'll be everyone that's ever taken me for fucking granted. Someday I'll win.
I'm struggling.
I get this temporary amnesia around her and then she vanishes and all the pain comes back. All the rage. All the emotion bottled up so tight it just comes out as hostile aggression. Its not fair. How could she do this to me. How. Why. What did I do? What? I'm not a bad person really. Sure I have my flaws but I'm human right? I'm allowed to have them.
There are these people in life that aren't built to love right? Like there's people who are build to destroy everything they touch and others that are just built to succeed and out do everything. Maybe I just wasn't built to love or be loved for. Because there's this thing, this something that I can't seem to get past. Its like, I know its there, I can feel it, I know its there and the majority of it can belong to one person, I know that. I can give most of my heart away. I've done it before. Its just, there's an inch that just won't be had. Most of it is broken I know this much and there's an inch left. To be honest. Its been a never ending cycle, I'd open up, I'd let her see inside and then she'd hit me with a house brick. I was so strong, I just feel so tired and so chipped away at. I've got nothing left. I've got nothing left to give to anyone. I've barely got enough to keep me going let alone anyone else.
All of this fixing I did in the first place last year was for nothing. I filled the big empty space that had been left behind by a certain girl from Reading. I stopped being a heartless arse. I was okay. I was sound. And then she had a little bit of me, chewed it up and spat it out. And had another little bit and chewed it up and spat it out. Over and over and over. And slowly, I've got down to this last inch of beating muscle and its hardened and fortified and is refusing to budge. What have I ever done to you? You will not take everything from me. This bit is mine and you can back off if you think your ruining that too.
Or maybe I was built to love, because that last little bit of my heart is waiting for the right moment to belong to someone else. And now is not the right moment. Someday, someone isn't gonna take everything I've got, they'll give so much. And it'll be simple. And I won't be a paid whore. I will actually feel, like one sodding human being on this fucking planet really gives a damn and can't get enough of me. And it won't be me that loses. It'll be everyone else who had me and then lost be because they didn't know what they had when it was there. It'll be everyone that's ever taken me for fucking granted. Someday I'll win.
Thursday, 21 May 2009
Woke up feeling nauseous you danced around my head.
Remember.... you know your mind better then anyone else. Most of the time. And today you hit reality again. Just to wish you hadn't.
Its a good a time as any to clean up this mess.
Its a good a time as any to clean up this mess.
Tuesday, 19 May 2009
Life's like a jump rope
Breathe in and out... okay. Now its time to start talking. I've been trying to get my head around it all. Sure, its pretty simple really, pretty black and white. And maybe it's just been a long week but, I'm trying to be better and I'm trying to get past this all so that kinda starts with this.
Do you understand the horror of these words: Me or her. And if its me you don't see her anymore and if its her you don't see me anymore. And if you don't make a decision, I'll asume you have and you won't see me. And the person your looking at is the person you've been running around after for a long time, longer then anyone else, and there looking at you and you suddenly realise there not the person you thought they were. But they do exactly what you expect. Nothing. Completely nothing.
There was a dream once, that it could possibly work through everything. There was belief that it wasn't just a mess, that it was orchestrated chaos and it was going somewhere. Not just around in circles. And I'm so tired from it. The last year doesn't feel like a year, it feels like four or five, and I feel so stretched out and so defeated.
Bits of me feel so ruined and the entire world can see it, yes, I'm the idiot who chased after a girl with a girlfriend and lost. Never my luck. Its okay. Better off alone anyway. Next question is: How long am I gonna be picking up the pieces this time?
Its never fair. I'm always the idiot who gets smashed in half because I was too dumb to quit while I was ahead. Just give up. Clearly there is no fairytale. And I really do hope you two are very miserable together. Its okay though, because I have every faith that the universe will fuck you up the arse twice as hard as you fucked me up the arse. Have a nice day. :)
Do you understand the horror of these words: Me or her. And if its me you don't see her anymore and if its her you don't see me anymore. And if you don't make a decision, I'll asume you have and you won't see me. And the person your looking at is the person you've been running around after for a long time, longer then anyone else, and there looking at you and you suddenly realise there not the person you thought they were. But they do exactly what you expect. Nothing. Completely nothing.
There was a dream once, that it could possibly work through everything. There was belief that it wasn't just a mess, that it was orchestrated chaos and it was going somewhere. Not just around in circles. And I'm so tired from it. The last year doesn't feel like a year, it feels like four or five, and I feel so stretched out and so defeated.
Bits of me feel so ruined and the entire world can see it, yes, I'm the idiot who chased after a girl with a girlfriend and lost. Never my luck. Its okay. Better off alone anyway. Next question is: How long am I gonna be picking up the pieces this time?
Its never fair. I'm always the idiot who gets smashed in half because I was too dumb to quit while I was ahead. Just give up. Clearly there is no fairytale. And I really do hope you two are very miserable together. Its okay though, because I have every faith that the universe will fuck you up the arse twice as hard as you fucked me up the arse. Have a nice day. :)
Monday, 18 May 2009
Flying High
A vote of confidence, faith, belief, from an outside party is a healer. If not a kick up the backside that screams "you will move, you will function correctly." From someone that you hold high in your opinion is better then any drug. They believe. And because they believe, so do I.
Renewed hope. I know I'm going to be fine. I just needed to hear that from one person in particular. I needed her to reach into my box, sit me on a kitchen counter and say: "It'll be okay, have a biscuit." Natural interference. It changes everything.
So today, I'm going back to the drawing board. I've got a few new ideas and its about time we made history.
Renewed hope. I know I'm going to be fine. I just needed to hear that from one person in particular. I needed her to reach into my box, sit me on a kitchen counter and say: "It'll be okay, have a biscuit." Natural interference. It changes everything.
So today, I'm going back to the drawing board. I've got a few new ideas and its about time we made history.
Saturday, 16 May 2009
My never
Will you think of me,
in time?
It's never my luck,
So never mind.
I wanna say your name,
But the pain starts
again,
It's never my luck,
So never mind.
Chorus:
And I had a dream that you were with me ,
it wasn't my fault,
you rolled me over,
flipped me over,
like a somersault.
That doesn't happen to me
I've never been here before
I saw forever in my never,
And I stood outside her
Heaven.
Will you wait for me,
In time?
It's never my luck,
So never mind.
And, yeah, I lost a lot of what I
don't expect to ever
return
I tend to push `em 'till the pushings turn from
hurting to burn,
I always take them to that place I thought they wanted
to go,
But end up dancing 'round
this clown commands,
applause at a show...
Chorus:
I had a dream that you were with me ,
It wasn't my fault,
you rolled me over,
flipped me over,
A somersault.
And that doesn't happen to me
I've never been here before
I saw forever in my never,
And I stood outside her
Heaven
Her heaven,
Heaven,
Heaven.
And I could only dream of you and sleep,
but I never see sunlight again,
I can try to be with you , but somehow I'll end up just losing a friend,
I can only reach for you
relate to you,
I'm losing my friend...
Where did she go?
Where?
Chorus:
I had a dream that you were with me ,
It wasn't my fault,
you rolled me over,
flipped me over,
like a somersault.
That doesn't happen to me
I've never been here before
I saw forever in my never,
And I stood outside her
Heaven
I stood outside her heaven
Let me in your heaven...
I wanna live inside your heaven.
by Blue October.
in time?
It's never my luck,
So never mind.
I wanna say your name,
But the pain starts
again,
It's never my luck,
So never mind.
Chorus:
And I had a dream that you were with me ,
it wasn't my fault,
you rolled me over,
flipped me over,
like a somersault.
That doesn't happen to me
I've never been here before
I saw forever in my never,
And I stood outside her
Heaven.
Will you wait for me,
In time?
It's never my luck,
So never mind.
And, yeah, I lost a lot of what I
don't expect to ever
return
I tend to push `em 'till the pushings turn from
hurting to burn,
I always take them to that place I thought they wanted
to go,
But end up dancing 'round
this clown commands,
applause at a show...
Chorus:
I had a dream that you were with me ,
It wasn't my fault,
you rolled me over,
flipped me over,
A somersault.
And that doesn't happen to me
I've never been here before
I saw forever in my never,
And I stood outside her
Heaven
Her heaven,
Heaven,
Heaven.
And I could only dream of you and sleep,
but I never see sunlight again,
I can try to be with you , but somehow I'll end up just losing a friend,
I can only reach for you
relate to you,
I'm losing my friend...
Where did she go?
Where?
Chorus:
I had a dream that you were with me ,
It wasn't my fault,
you rolled me over,
flipped me over,
like a somersault.
That doesn't happen to me
I've never been here before
I saw forever in my never,
And I stood outside her
Heaven
I stood outside her heaven
Let me in your heaven...
I wanna live inside your heaven.
by Blue October.
Friday, 15 May 2009
Crisis.
I'm having a crisis.
It starts with milk.... and will end with something going bang, crash, smash, boom.
Today will be shite.
Tomorrow will be no better.
Its okay. Just push it down. And it will eventually go away.
It starts with milk.... and will end with something going bang, crash, smash, boom.
Today will be shite.
Tomorrow will be no better.
Its okay. Just push it down. And it will eventually go away.
Thursday, 14 May 2009
Today
...I crossed out fate.
Today has been a really bad day.
Someday you will burn for this. I hope the guilt drives you mad.
Today has been a really bad day.
Someday you will burn for this. I hope the guilt drives you mad.
(the thin white line)
Right so... I could ramble about a lot right now. I could rant and probably get very angry about a lot. But I'm not going to. I'm being good. I'm not an angry person. I'm solid. I'm cool. I'm sound. I'm alright.
And this is very private. For once. So I won't write about any of that.
I'm tired. Very tired. And I could do with a few hundred hours extra kip. Very much so please. I've rediscovered the Killers and Blue October. Happy days. Lyrical explanations to current situations. Yeah. Many songs.
Bring it on life. Give me your best shot and I'll give you mine.
Little Stitch.
And this is very private. For once. So I won't write about any of that.
I'm tired. Very tired. And I could do with a few hundred hours extra kip. Very much so please. I've rediscovered the Killers and Blue October. Happy days. Lyrical explanations to current situations. Yeah. Many songs.
Bring it on life. Give me your best shot and I'll give you mine.
Little Stitch.
Tuesday, 12 May 2009
Method of interpretation
Yes. Read my blog and gather what you will from it. But you my little bastard know nothing about me so stop pretending and how exactly is it any of your business anyway. Shitbag.
Saturday, 9 May 2009
Remember there are birds...
Just breathe... breathe it out and count to ten.
1....
2...
3...
4....
....
...5
....
6....
....7
.........8
....9.....
10....
in.... and out.........
control your rage......
sure you can be angry. but don't let it control you. Your not crazy. You hear me in there Jimmy Hyde. YOUR NOT CRAZY. You are fucking mint. You are so mint you know everything before it happens because your so fucking tuned in. Oh yes. Oh yes. Fear the god. Fear the fucking god. Hear the crowd *rooaarrr* Its okay. Your better then this. This is not you. This isn't you. Your not angry. Just breathe it out....
mmm.... better. much better.
I'm getting better at expelling feelings I loathe. Much better its gone far far away. Feelings are like balloons, if you relax enough you can just let go of the string and woosh there it goes. And I'm being very good and refusing to run after these balloons. Instead I sit on this imaginary sand dune, watch them float away and wave. Not everything is an issue and there really isn't anything wrong with me, sure the intensity of feeling might be a little overwhelming at times, and mostly everything reflects bipolar disorder and the events in my life do amplify this reflection. But actually I'm fine. There is nothing wrong. And this conclusion is very definet. Because I can hang on to that euphoria for as long as I want to. And by god I love euphoria.
This is today's conclusion: I am an island. I am safe... I am remote and far away from anything and its okay.
August 11th 2007.... well before now and everything I now know to be life. Shove:
I sit on my beach. I say my beach, because recently I’ve decided I’m an island, and with it I must have a beach. So this is my beach. It stretches for miles, I’m a rather big island, the sand is white and fine like the type of sand you find in egg timers. There are a few palms draping over the sands to kiss the floor and behind me there’s a mash of strange foliage and jungle beaded with sweat from the heat.
So I sit watch the waves. Think under the moon light; listen to the stars hum in the wake of the morning. Just me. My island. My rules. Trails of foot prints are washed away by shallow waters. I kick around on the dunes. Cartwheel on the beach. Paddle occasionally.
Yes. This is my Island. Shove off.
old... badly written.
I've come full circle I think. Cept now it goes something like this:
I let trails of sand fly into the wind. Taste salt in my mouth and kill it by lighting a cigarette and taking a deep breath of it before feeding that to the wind as well. Deep swollen clouds have gathered above and threaten to rain on me, they threaten more then rain, there's a silent hum saying we'll destroy you with a hurricane, we'll rip you apart with everything we've got.
I sniff at them. Spit. Unimpressed. This is my island. Your forces are obsolete so enough with your empty silent words.
I yawn. Swear at the sky, V for victory, v for valour, v for vindicated. V for we will very kindly rip your skin off and eat it if you come too close.
1....
2...
3...
4....
....
...5
....
6....
....7
.........8
....9.....
10....
in.... and out.........
control your rage......
sure you can be angry. but don't let it control you. Your not crazy. You hear me in there Jimmy Hyde. YOUR NOT CRAZY. You are fucking mint. You are so mint you know everything before it happens because your so fucking tuned in. Oh yes. Oh yes. Fear the god. Fear the fucking god. Hear the crowd *rooaarrr* Its okay. Your better then this. This is not you. This isn't you. Your not angry. Just breathe it out....
mmm.... better. much better.
I'm getting better at expelling feelings I loathe. Much better its gone far far away. Feelings are like balloons, if you relax enough you can just let go of the string and woosh there it goes. And I'm being very good and refusing to run after these balloons. Instead I sit on this imaginary sand dune, watch them float away and wave. Not everything is an issue and there really isn't anything wrong with me, sure the intensity of feeling might be a little overwhelming at times, and mostly everything reflects bipolar disorder and the events in my life do amplify this reflection. But actually I'm fine. There is nothing wrong. And this conclusion is very definet. Because I can hang on to that euphoria for as long as I want to. And by god I love euphoria.
This is today's conclusion: I am an island. I am safe... I am remote and far away from anything and its okay.
August 11th 2007.... well before now and everything I now know to be life. Shove:
I sit on my beach. I say my beach, because recently I’ve decided I’m an island, and with it I must have a beach. So this is my beach. It stretches for miles, I’m a rather big island, the sand is white and fine like the type of sand you find in egg timers. There are a few palms draping over the sands to kiss the floor and behind me there’s a mash of strange foliage and jungle beaded with sweat from the heat.
So I sit watch the waves. Think under the moon light; listen to the stars hum in the wake of the morning. Just me. My island. My rules. Trails of foot prints are washed away by shallow waters. I kick around on the dunes. Cartwheel on the beach. Paddle occasionally.
Yes. This is my Island. Shove off.
old... badly written.
I've come full circle I think. Cept now it goes something like this:
I let trails of sand fly into the wind. Taste salt in my mouth and kill it by lighting a cigarette and taking a deep breath of it before feeding that to the wind as well. Deep swollen clouds have gathered above and threaten to rain on me, they threaten more then rain, there's a silent hum saying we'll destroy you with a hurricane, we'll rip you apart with everything we've got.
I sniff at them. Spit. Unimpressed. This is my island. Your forces are obsolete so enough with your empty silent words.
I yawn. Swear at the sky, V for victory, v for valour, v for vindicated. V for we will very kindly rip your skin off and eat it if you come too close.
Thursday, 7 May 2009
Few words
The ironic thing is tonight I left that house, got in the taxi and Will Young was singing at me, telling me I better leave right now. And then it was Lilly Allen, the fear. There's a lot to think about. Tonight I'm not so articulate. Words fail me. Not her though, oh so black and white. And there it is.
Clearly life is for living. Clearly big mistakes lately. Clearly..... just clearly. I'm a nasty little bastard today. I don't regret anything I've done. Cos then I'd never learn anything.
And bloody hell have I learnt. Try again. Properly. Be good.
Clearly life is for living. Clearly big mistakes lately. Clearly..... just clearly. I'm a nasty little bastard today. I don't regret anything I've done. Cos then I'd never learn anything.
And bloody hell have I learnt. Try again. Properly. Be good.
Wednesday, 6 May 2009
10 things you'd change if you could
If you could change ten things what would you change? Money no object, no boundaries, let your imagination riot.
- I'd make life a little simpler at home, get my dad back in work, maybe move somewhere we'll all be happier.
- I'd fix things. Make them easy. Not so hard. Not so drama. Not so bloody irritating. I'd make things happy for a change.
- I'd probably inherit a large sum of money, from a random unknown source and travel the world.
- I'd go back to the start and try again. Do everything the same and realise it was never meant to happen any other way.
- I'd probably section myself for a while. Put myself somewhere safe, with medication and soft walls.
- I'd understand it all.
- I'd be able to read music and play my anglo beautifully because I could.
- I'd leave here for five years and come back to my hometown and find everyone had left.
- I'd find an uncontrollable passion for the sea again and the confidence to dance like no ones watching.
- And I'd find myself one day, in the arms of someone I couldn't get enough of and she'd feel the same. And I'd feel real with her, instead of a half hearted dream.
Tuesday, 5 May 2009
Not really anywhere
I have a slight problem. The beautiful drug on tap. Its not a good thing. I'd been good, six weeks is a long time. Maybe not six months... but I'd felt so much better for staying away from it. Got the gremlin out of my head, I was okay, wasn't needing it, wasn't wanting it. But two joints in as many days.... bad. bad. bad.
I had a horrible dream.... I went to bed angry and upset... and woke up with it still in my head.
Last few days have been alright really, saw an old friend and we're okay now, which is good, and her girlfriend has no issues with me either which is one more detail that I've been worrying about or paranoid about or whatever that's fixed. Sunday night stopped over there's. Went home for a few hours and was there again in the evening for a joint. Its nice having them so close, its kinda like, I've got the earth under my feet again, got my rock back, its okay, someones there to ground me again. Its nice to feel like there's people on my side again. Cos for a while I've felt like a one woman army. I've kind of been lucky, hit the ground running.
I've finally got around to watching the first season of skins. And that's all I have to say today.
I had a horrible dream.... I went to bed angry and upset... and woke up with it still in my head.
Last few days have been alright really, saw an old friend and we're okay now, which is good, and her girlfriend has no issues with me either which is one more detail that I've been worrying about or paranoid about or whatever that's fixed. Sunday night stopped over there's. Went home for a few hours and was there again in the evening for a joint. Its nice having them so close, its kinda like, I've got the earth under my feet again, got my rock back, its okay, someones there to ground me again. Its nice to feel like there's people on my side again. Cos for a while I've felt like a one woman army. I've kind of been lucky, hit the ground running.
I've finally got around to watching the first season of skins. And that's all I have to say today.
Now that I've lost everything to you
You say you wanna start something new
And it's breakin' my heart you're leavin'
Baby, I'm grievin'
But if you wanna leave, take good care
I hope you have a lot of nice things to wear
But then a lot of nice things turn bad out there
Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world
It's hard to get by just upon a smile
Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world
I'll always remember you like a child, girl
You know I've seen a lot of what the world can do
And it's breaking my heart in two
'Cause I never wanna see you a sad girl
Don't be a bad girl
But if you wanna leave, take good care
I hope you make a lot of nice friends out there
But just remember there's a lot of bad and beware
Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world
It's hard to get by just upon a smile
Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world
I'll always remember you like a child, girl
Baby, I love you
But if you wanna leave, take good care
I hope you make a lot of nice friends out there
But just remember there's a lot of bad and beware
Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world
It's hard to get by just upon a smile
Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world
I'll always remember you like a child, girl.
Wild World - Mike Bailey
You say you wanna start something new
And it's breakin' my heart you're leavin'
Baby, I'm grievin'
But if you wanna leave, take good care
I hope you have a lot of nice things to wear
But then a lot of nice things turn bad out there
Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world
It's hard to get by just upon a smile
Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world
I'll always remember you like a child, girl
You know I've seen a lot of what the world can do
And it's breaking my heart in two
'Cause I never wanna see you a sad girl
Don't be a bad girl
But if you wanna leave, take good care
I hope you make a lot of nice friends out there
But just remember there's a lot of bad and beware
Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world
It's hard to get by just upon a smile
Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world
I'll always remember you like a child, girl
Baby, I love you
But if you wanna leave, take good care
I hope you make a lot of nice friends out there
But just remember there's a lot of bad and beware
Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world
It's hard to get by just upon a smile
Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world
I'll always remember you like a child, girl.
Wild World - Mike Bailey
Sunday, 3 May 2009
Tart
Most amusing conversation of the day:
MOM: And for afters we've got a lovely french tart.
DAD: Mmmm sounds nice
ME: Have you been er.... ordering me in an early birthday present?
DAD: *chuckle chuckle chuckle*
MOM: And for afters we've got a lovely french tart.
DAD: Mmmm sounds nice
ME: Have you been er.... ordering me in an early birthday present?
DAD: *chuckle chuckle chuckle*
Saturday, 2 May 2009
Bash Crash Bang
I have had a shite day. I don't really want to talk about it. I don't really want to think about it. I'm aching all over and drank steadily all night only really resulting in slightly drunken legs and no drunken head. No falling down. No crawling through dirt because I'm so out of it.
Just know that today has been shite. I feel like shite. I'd like to die. I'd like to take that lovely sharp razor and take a lovely pound of flesh and send it to a certain goblin I know in the mail. And then another will go to someone else I know. And then maybe someone will twig that I'm not a malicious cunt without respect or consideration or anything else you might think of.
I really never want to look at the entire world again. I really never want to look anybody in the face again for fear of what they might see. I'm tired. I'm aching all over. I need a dyke in shining armour to swing through the window and hold me all night.
I desperately need to cry.... but nothings there to come out.... my shoulders are practically in my ears I'm that tense and my eyes are burning in there sockets.
This morning was a good morning... and then its just been one thing after another. And here we are again at the bottom of a well.
Note to self: You twat you twat you twat. You shouldn't have kissed her you muppet. Just because you want her so bad you can't stand it is no reason. Its bad bad bad bad stop it before you wind up in another mess driving yourself over the edge. And thats all I'll say about that.
Just know that today has been shite. I feel like shite. I'd like to die. I'd like to take that lovely sharp razor and take a lovely pound of flesh and send it to a certain goblin I know in the mail. And then another will go to someone else I know. And then maybe someone will twig that I'm not a malicious cunt without respect or consideration or anything else you might think of.
I really never want to look at the entire world again. I really never want to look anybody in the face again for fear of what they might see. I'm tired. I'm aching all over. I need a dyke in shining armour to swing through the window and hold me all night.
I desperately need to cry.... but nothings there to come out.... my shoulders are practically in my ears I'm that tense and my eyes are burning in there sockets.
This morning was a good morning... and then its just been one thing after another. And here we are again at the bottom of a well.
Note to self: You twat you twat you twat. You shouldn't have kissed her you muppet. Just because you want her so bad you can't stand it is no reason. Its bad bad bad bad stop it before you wind up in another mess driving yourself over the edge. And thats all I'll say about that.
Thursday, 30 April 2009
I am not crazy.
Yeah, I'm very aware I've got a lot of work to do. I need to write properly and I'm just not kicking myself up the arse enough.
I've been thinking a lot to myself. Actually, good thinking not just lets think about everything to the point where we explode into tiny bits and our eyeballs bleed. Good thinking. Thinking that results in stuff. And I am not crazy. Thats my decision today. I am not crazy.
I am delicate. But I am not crazy. This is a nice thought to have. I'm taking a lot of comfort out o fit. I'm not crazy. I'm not crazy. I'm not crazy. The entire world has been trying to convince me I am, but I'm not. I'm not crazy. I'm very very aware of everything. I'm very tuned in to everything. But I am not crazy.
Sure I can be chaotic and have a mishapen view thats appeared from so much and doesn't actually become clear until its crept up on me smacked me in the face and said 'hello, shall we go for a pint?' I am not crazy. I'm really not crazy. It wasn't my fault. I said it all last night, it all fell out of me like rain and you know those moments you have were someone says something and it makes sense. Well I had one of those and it made perfect sense to me.
My natural occupation since I was four was watching people. Picking up on there little signals, picking up on there manerisums and everything else. It was what I did because I had no one to talk to when I was young and if I did it was a dinner lady or someone hurling abuse or someone ignoring me entirely because I had an imagination and was a little bit strange. I'd play in the dirt and prefer my own company, loathing maths most of all and orchestrating a different life between my ears. I can remember getting my textbook marked and being so certain I'd got it this time, I'd managed it, and getting it back with big X's scribbled all over it. I hated that. The long walk up to the front of the classroom, handing over my brick red text book and waiting for the enevitable. X X X. Bugger. Not again. :(
I took to watching, I took to learning people. I took to becoming acutely aware of other people. Which is why so much can amount to paranoia. If you give me no reason not to be paranoid surely my brain is going to give me every reason.
A) It has been built into me, that people WILL leave me. They have me for a while they stick around for a while and then they will leave and I WILL be alone again. B) I'm terrified of the unknown and without a comforting hand on my shoulder constantly I will spaz out. C) I'm terrified of myself. I'm terrified of actually opening up to anyone so this feat is unusual to begin with and if it does happen it usually equates to a giant mess because I throw myself out of my comfort zone. D) Small things will add up to a larger equation. Sure you can't write your life cos you only know this book, but out of habbit I try, I'll see your plot line, your involment in the story, your characters relevance, and I'll see the woman at the supermarkets plotline, her involvement, her effect, her children, her husband whos never there because he'd rather see his friends at the pub then be a part of there lives. E) Its the you are far too close factor.
Combine a few of these and what do you get? A bit of a mess.
Thing is she got with me. She got with me. In the end. After so long of fighting for it she finally got with me. How long had I waited? Since October? ... Something like that. But here was one of the problems: She was with a girl when I met her, and shamelessly there it was, it started and obviously this girl knew. She knew for so long and I knew it drove her inside out and back again. Because its not nice seeing the girl your desperately in love with play you for a fool.
But such horrible things happened in the run up to now, things that hurt so much it was unreal. Things I thought had completely broke my spirit. I might just be a goldfish going around and around in a tank of water but these things really hurt. To begin with it was little things, she couldn't meet me, she was late, whatever... these things are easy enough to forgive. Then it was shit they've broken up, do I have my chance now? Am I finally going to get there? No. Don't be silly. Its still December. They get back together of course. Couple of things that just really are far to fresh.
Like the girl of my dreams being so there with me all week, being like so there, lulling me into this false sense of security, yes, this is nice, I'm sitting in the pub with my arm around you and I'm not really afraid of anything because yes this is happening. Its a warm fuzzy feeling, kinda like the relaxation of slipping into a bath. And then come the weekend I'm at a different pub, she's with the ex/the girl she was with when I met her. This is fine. They've got issues to sort out. They've got stuff to talk about. They've just broken up. Text message: Why are you paranoid? We're just finishing our drinks and then going to some hotel. I can feel that feeling now just thinking about it, my stomach falls out of my ass, I want to crawl into a little ball and weep because it hurt so much. Because all week, she'd made me believe it was happening, and it was happening soon. It was meant to be my turn. And instead I've got my beautiful imagination congouring up her face inbetween her ex's legs, bareback on the carpet. And thats all I need.
I'm angry for three days. And on the forth day I've given up and breakdown.
Another time. They'd broken up. And once again the girl of my dreams was on the phone to me. Her ex was down, going to a funeral, valid reasons to be down blah balh ablah. She was on the phone to me, she was telling me she'd got pissy at her this morning and they'd argued because her ex wouldn't go to McDonalds for breakfast. And then she said: If you kiss my flower, I'll go. So I did and then she didn't go! So matter o fact. Like she didn't care she'd just told me this. Like it meant nothing. Sure fuck your ex all morning and then share your experiences. That was the day I cut my leg up. And then my fingertips. And was pouring with so much blood I was terrified.
Yes. It still hurts. Its not alright now and it never was. Its so stupid... the amount thats happend, the volume, the intensity, just all for it is stupid. When we actually got together it felt too good to be true, why? Because her ex was down every weekend since they'd broken up. Because they slept in the same bed. Because she still told her ex she loved her. And I'm sorry but I don't care who you are. Anyone who has ever been with anyone and heard that come out of there other half said to there ex knows just how bloody painful it is. Its not fair. Its not nice.
Sure you can tell me I'm your everything now but when did you show me that when we were together? Two hours late when you were with her. And none of this: We're running late come over. No it was meet me at such and such and half eight. And then obviously, just like every other time for two hours I don't know where they are what there doing and for a good fourty five minutes I hear nothing. What would you think. Worried? What if somethings happened? Paranoid? Shes with her ex I wonder if shes forgotten me yet and started eating her out after dinner just because she knows its the only oppurtunity shes gonna get for a while.
I am not. Crazy. I have very valid reasons. I had every right to be paranoid. Sure. Argument could be: you were never leanient enough you just went off on one constantly. I know so many people that would have turned around and said the minute she said: She;s coming down this weekend. That would have said, its me or her. And if its her you can fuck off.
Look at this equation:
I've been thinking a lot to myself. Actually, good thinking not just lets think about everything to the point where we explode into tiny bits and our eyeballs bleed. Good thinking. Thinking that results in stuff. And I am not crazy. Thats my decision today. I am not crazy.
I am delicate. But I am not crazy. This is a nice thought to have. I'm taking a lot of comfort out o fit. I'm not crazy. I'm not crazy. I'm not crazy. The entire world has been trying to convince me I am, but I'm not. I'm not crazy. I'm very very aware of everything. I'm very tuned in to everything. But I am not crazy.
Sure I can be chaotic and have a mishapen view thats appeared from so much and doesn't actually become clear until its crept up on me smacked me in the face and said 'hello, shall we go for a pint?' I am not crazy. I'm really not crazy. It wasn't my fault. I said it all last night, it all fell out of me like rain and you know those moments you have were someone says something and it makes sense. Well I had one of those and it made perfect sense to me.
My natural occupation since I was four was watching people. Picking up on there little signals, picking up on there manerisums and everything else. It was what I did because I had no one to talk to when I was young and if I did it was a dinner lady or someone hurling abuse or someone ignoring me entirely because I had an imagination and was a little bit strange. I'd play in the dirt and prefer my own company, loathing maths most of all and orchestrating a different life between my ears. I can remember getting my textbook marked and being so certain I'd got it this time, I'd managed it, and getting it back with big X's scribbled all over it. I hated that. The long walk up to the front of the classroom, handing over my brick red text book and waiting for the enevitable. X X X. Bugger. Not again. :(
I took to watching, I took to learning people. I took to becoming acutely aware of other people. Which is why so much can amount to paranoia. If you give me no reason not to be paranoid surely my brain is going to give me every reason.
A) It has been built into me, that people WILL leave me. They have me for a while they stick around for a while and then they will leave and I WILL be alone again. B) I'm terrified of the unknown and without a comforting hand on my shoulder constantly I will spaz out. C) I'm terrified of myself. I'm terrified of actually opening up to anyone so this feat is unusual to begin with and if it does happen it usually equates to a giant mess because I throw myself out of my comfort zone. D) Small things will add up to a larger equation. Sure you can't write your life cos you only know this book, but out of habbit I try, I'll see your plot line, your involment in the story, your characters relevance, and I'll see the woman at the supermarkets plotline, her involvement, her effect, her children, her husband whos never there because he'd rather see his friends at the pub then be a part of there lives. E) Its the you are far too close factor.
Combine a few of these and what do you get? A bit of a mess.
Thing is she got with me. She got with me. In the end. After so long of fighting for it she finally got with me. How long had I waited? Since October? ... Something like that. But here was one of the problems: She was with a girl when I met her, and shamelessly there it was, it started and obviously this girl knew. She knew for so long and I knew it drove her inside out and back again. Because its not nice seeing the girl your desperately in love with play you for a fool.
But such horrible things happened in the run up to now, things that hurt so much it was unreal. Things I thought had completely broke my spirit. I might just be a goldfish going around and around in a tank of water but these things really hurt. To begin with it was little things, she couldn't meet me, she was late, whatever... these things are easy enough to forgive. Then it was shit they've broken up, do I have my chance now? Am I finally going to get there? No. Don't be silly. Its still December. They get back together of course. Couple of things that just really are far to fresh.
Like the girl of my dreams being so there with me all week, being like so there, lulling me into this false sense of security, yes, this is nice, I'm sitting in the pub with my arm around you and I'm not really afraid of anything because yes this is happening. Its a warm fuzzy feeling, kinda like the relaxation of slipping into a bath. And then come the weekend I'm at a different pub, she's with the ex/the girl she was with when I met her. This is fine. They've got issues to sort out. They've got stuff to talk about. They've just broken up. Text message: Why are you paranoid? We're just finishing our drinks and then going to some hotel. I can feel that feeling now just thinking about it, my stomach falls out of my ass, I want to crawl into a little ball and weep because it hurt so much. Because all week, she'd made me believe it was happening, and it was happening soon. It was meant to be my turn. And instead I've got my beautiful imagination congouring up her face inbetween her ex's legs, bareback on the carpet. And thats all I need.
I'm angry for three days. And on the forth day I've given up and breakdown.
Another time. They'd broken up. And once again the girl of my dreams was on the phone to me. Her ex was down, going to a funeral, valid reasons to be down blah balh ablah. She was on the phone to me, she was telling me she'd got pissy at her this morning and they'd argued because her ex wouldn't go to McDonalds for breakfast. And then she said: If you kiss my flower, I'll go. So I did and then she didn't go! So matter o fact. Like she didn't care she'd just told me this. Like it meant nothing. Sure fuck your ex all morning and then share your experiences. That was the day I cut my leg up. And then my fingertips. And was pouring with so much blood I was terrified.
Yes. It still hurts. Its not alright now and it never was. Its so stupid... the amount thats happend, the volume, the intensity, just all for it is stupid. When we actually got together it felt too good to be true, why? Because her ex was down every weekend since they'd broken up. Because they slept in the same bed. Because she still told her ex she loved her. And I'm sorry but I don't care who you are. Anyone who has ever been with anyone and heard that come out of there other half said to there ex knows just how bloody painful it is. Its not fair. Its not nice.
Sure you can tell me I'm your everything now but when did you show me that when we were together? Two hours late when you were with her. And none of this: We're running late come over. No it was meet me at such and such and half eight. And then obviously, just like every other time for two hours I don't know where they are what there doing and for a good fourty five minutes I hear nothing. What would you think. Worried? What if somethings happened? Paranoid? Shes with her ex I wonder if shes forgotten me yet and started eating her out after dinner just because she knows its the only oppurtunity shes gonna get for a while.
I am not. Crazy. I have very valid reasons. I had every right to be paranoid. Sure. Argument could be: you were never leanient enough you just went off on one constantly. I know so many people that would have turned around and said the minute she said: She;s coming down this weekend. That would have said, its me or her. And if its her you can fuck off.
Look at this equation:
Me + Girlfriend = Good.
Me + Girlfriend + Girlfriends ex = excuse me what? she came down last weekend, surely you can wait five minutes and spend some time with me? But fine shes your friend. Whatever.
Me + Girlfriend + Girlfriends ex + Sharing a bed + Going on a road trip to she ex's friends and family + Constant lateness + I'm going to get really really drunk so I don't have to watch you saunter around the pub touching but not touching and put up with you telling me to sod off out of this little space because obviously its not something I need to know + This giant void between us that I cant seem to fill with anything because you keep saying your still there but I don't think you are. Cos from everything I'm reading from you, you don't want me in this room right now. You don't want me in your bed right now. And you haven't got off the damn phone to her all day and its starting to kill any faith I've got. + Your never going to listen anyway, because every time I start talking I see this vague bored expression on your face, or I ask a question and get laughed at. Or you do something else to make me feel two inches tall because you can belittle me and I'm starting to feel like you really enjoy it. + You making everything about you and never actually listening to what I'm saying, never actually letting me finish a sentance and for godsake! Let me get a word in edgeways last night has nothing to do with now. Those few good days didn't solve anything because your still not listening your just making it all go in a big fucking circle ending with the question: Do you love me? + I need some space. Your in my face constantly and because your in my face constantly this situation is in my head constantly and is just going around and around and around and whenever I write something like this in my blog I get a: You nasty cow. Or Fuck you. Because your just making it about you again and not listening to a word I'm saying, just blasting it out of context and expecting it to all be alright when you kiss it away or fuck me all night. = ..... I can't do this anymore.
Me + Girlfriend + Girlfriends ex = excuse me what? she came down last weekend, surely you can wait five minutes and spend some time with me? But fine shes your friend. Whatever.
Me + Girlfriend + Girlfriends ex + Sharing a bed + Going on a road trip to she ex's friends and family + Constant lateness + I'm going to get really really drunk so I don't have to watch you saunter around the pub touching but not touching and put up with you telling me to sod off out of this little space because obviously its not something I need to know + This giant void between us that I cant seem to fill with anything because you keep saying your still there but I don't think you are. Cos from everything I'm reading from you, you don't want me in this room right now. You don't want me in your bed right now. And you haven't got off the damn phone to her all day and its starting to kill any faith I've got. + Your never going to listen anyway, because every time I start talking I see this vague bored expression on your face, or I ask a question and get laughed at. Or you do something else to make me feel two inches tall because you can belittle me and I'm starting to feel like you really enjoy it. + You making everything about you and never actually listening to what I'm saying, never actually letting me finish a sentance and for godsake! Let me get a word in edgeways last night has nothing to do with now. Those few good days didn't solve anything because your still not listening your just making it all go in a big fucking circle ending with the question: Do you love me? + I need some space. Your in my face constantly and because your in my face constantly this situation is in my head constantly and is just going around and around and around and whenever I write something like this in my blog I get a: You nasty cow. Or Fuck you. Because your just making it about you again and not listening to a word I'm saying, just blasting it out of context and expecting it to all be alright when you kiss it away or fuck me all night. = ..... I can't do this anymore.
I could actually go on... and on ... and on... about it all... tell you how we'd sit in the same room on opposite sides. This obviously makes me think I'm not wanted and crave human contanct. And obviously this entire equation leaves me wanting a little affection... a little security and damn fucks sake I wanted to feel like I was more then someone to shag in the week while her ex wasn't there... I wanted to feel valued and loved and like she really gave a damn.
Its funny how so much can kinda open up your eyes and make you drag yourself out of that little place known as 'in love'. Because If its this hard in the first 16 days. What would it be like in six months. My prediction is I wouldn't have been faithful. I would have found some affection somewhere else because I knew just how alone I was begining to feel. You'd be surprised what coming over once in a while and cuddling me does. You'd be surprised what saying: 'Baby stop it nothing is going to happen and if it did I'd tell you in a heartbeat.' does.
Punchline is this: I am not crazy. And hopefully. This will be the last time I disect this. Because to be honest I'd like to forget it.
Its funny how so much can kinda open up your eyes and make you drag yourself out of that little place known as 'in love'. Because If its this hard in the first 16 days. What would it be like in six months. My prediction is I wouldn't have been faithful. I would have found some affection somewhere else because I knew just how alone I was begining to feel. You'd be surprised what coming over once in a while and cuddling me does. You'd be surprised what saying: 'Baby stop it nothing is going to happen and if it did I'd tell you in a heartbeat.' does.
Punchline is this: I am not crazy. And hopefully. This will be the last time I disect this. Because to be honest I'd like to forget it.
Monday, 27 April 2009
Rodney times
This is the second time I've tried to watch a film today, first Jumper and now X-men 3 the last stand.
I should write, but there's an issue with this today, its uncomfortable to sit still let alone to type for an hour and a half and whisk myself away on some beautiful plane of existence within myself. I can only sit and dream and read and now try the impossible task of attempting to watch a film. Maybe enjoying the last of Easter egg would be a good plan, along with this feat of concentration.
I'm a little in love with my most recent book, I say recent, its not really, its a book I bought months and months ago thick, heavy and written so richly it makes for slightly heavier reading then I'm used to. The Gone Away World. I managed to find myself a signed copy of said book, this drawing me to the blurb and the first few pages as much as anything else. I started reading this book yesterday 176 pages so far. I'd consider this good going as its been so long since I've read properly. I'm not the fastest reader, I savour words too much and require a little extra time to absorb things. Easy to overwhelm. The intensity of this book is a little overwhelming to say the least, so I'm trying to take my time trying to keep my head on and plodding through it.
Rodney and I agree that this neck thing is either a very good thing or a bad thing. We both think its definitely Karma. Good because it means I can live in a bubble for a while keep to myself and heal over after yesterdays breakdown of epic proportion. Yesterday it most definitely all came out. All the pain, worry, frustration and everything else that I've just put in a box and stacked on a shelf suddenly exploded out of me which is why it took so long for me to actually pull myself together and why it was so intense. Put it in a box and the box will eventually wrestle free of the shelf and the little gremlin inside will drag everything out of it and then start trashing the rest of your boxes and ripping everything out of them.
And today I feel something. Not boxed up or bottled up or pushed down or hidden away. Today very open. Today very willing and able. Rodney times, are good soft times. A little comfort from a teddy always seems to heal the soul.
I should write, but there's an issue with this today, its uncomfortable to sit still let alone to type for an hour and a half and whisk myself away on some beautiful plane of existence within myself. I can only sit and dream and read and now try the impossible task of attempting to watch a film. Maybe enjoying the last of Easter egg would be a good plan, along with this feat of concentration.
I'm a little in love with my most recent book, I say recent, its not really, its a book I bought months and months ago thick, heavy and written so richly it makes for slightly heavier reading then I'm used to. The Gone Away World. I managed to find myself a signed copy of said book, this drawing me to the blurb and the first few pages as much as anything else. I started reading this book yesterday 176 pages so far. I'd consider this good going as its been so long since I've read properly. I'm not the fastest reader, I savour words too much and require a little extra time to absorb things. Easy to overwhelm. The intensity of this book is a little overwhelming to say the least, so I'm trying to take my time trying to keep my head on and plodding through it.
Rodney and I agree that this neck thing is either a very good thing or a bad thing. We both think its definitely Karma. Good because it means I can live in a bubble for a while keep to myself and heal over after yesterdays breakdown of epic proportion. Yesterday it most definitely all came out. All the pain, worry, frustration and everything else that I've just put in a box and stacked on a shelf suddenly exploded out of me which is why it took so long for me to actually pull myself together and why it was so intense. Put it in a box and the box will eventually wrestle free of the shelf and the little gremlin inside will drag everything out of it and then start trashing the rest of your boxes and ripping everything out of them.
And today I feel something. Not boxed up or bottled up or pushed down or hidden away. Today very open. Today very willing and able. Rodney times, are good soft times. A little comfort from a teddy always seems to heal the soul.
Just a typical Monday
My evening last night consisted of crawling into bed in a feeble position and weeping to Moulin Rouge and then dropping off at three in the morning.
My morning however. Really. What else can go wrong. I woke up this morning sleeping light. Felt very tired but I was awake... mom had made me a sausage, bacon and egg sandwich, I'm guessing she felt relatively guilty for being an arse yesturday. This was okay. This was the start of a good morning. And then I sit up and the right side of my neck is aching for a crack. So this combination of events happens, I sit up I'm still semi diagonal, reach up to grab the side of my neck and start off the first crack of the morning. CRUNCH!?!?!! ..... AGRHAGRHAGHA>!>!!!>!>!?!!?!?!?!
No that wasn't a crack. That was the sound of the muscles between my right ear and the top of my right shoulder fucking up. Or at least I'm hoping it was. So now I'm sitting here, still in my dressing gown, my right shoulder refuses to work and my neck is all but immobilized. No. This isn't a good day.
What else can go wrong?
My morning however. Really. What else can go wrong. I woke up this morning sleeping light. Felt very tired but I was awake... mom had made me a sausage, bacon and egg sandwich, I'm guessing she felt relatively guilty for being an arse yesturday. This was okay. This was the start of a good morning. And then I sit up and the right side of my neck is aching for a crack. So this combination of events happens, I sit up I'm still semi diagonal, reach up to grab the side of my neck and start off the first crack of the morning. CRUNCH!?!?!! ..... AGRHAGRHAGHA>!>!!!>!>!?!!?!?!?!
No that wasn't a crack. That was the sound of the muscles between my right ear and the top of my right shoulder fucking up. Or at least I'm hoping it was. So now I'm sitting here, still in my dressing gown, my right shoulder refuses to work and my neck is all but immobilized. No. This isn't a good day.
What else can go wrong?
Sunday, 26 April 2009
Just wish didn't feel like there was something I missed
I am incredibly bored of my own company. I practically had to beg for people to come out last night, and even then only a girl who is dying for me to get into her pants would come out after work and then I ended up going around my mates house. My parents are silently waring, which isn't really silent, I don't know what it is, maybe they need to have a good shag and fight it all out or maybe its because we were a whole eight grand short of paying the morgage. How do I know this, well its pretty easy when you find bills on the side.
So there going at each others like dogs in a ring, and around half four when me and my dad got in from my nans mum started on me, started digging and having pops at me for no reason. Yes. I'm aware I'm far from the perfect daughter, I get it. But why don't you just leave me the fuck alone.
My parents must be so fucking proud of me really. The failure at life. 'How not to do it' written by me, dedicated to everyone I've ever smashed to bits. Including myself.
I need to go out. I need to get drunk and fall down and get run over by a train. I hate the world today. I really hate it. And I hate myself more. Everything I touch clearly turns into shit and I just want to burn everything.
I just feel.... so... angry... at everything. I want to punch things and make them break and shatter and die. I'm meant to be doing well. I'm not meant to be this fucking volitile.
So there going at each others like dogs in a ring, and around half four when me and my dad got in from my nans mum started on me, started digging and having pops at me for no reason. Yes. I'm aware I'm far from the perfect daughter, I get it. But why don't you just leave me the fuck alone.
My parents must be so fucking proud of me really. The failure at life. 'How not to do it' written by me, dedicated to everyone I've ever smashed to bits. Including myself.
I need to go out. I need to get drunk and fall down and get run over by a train. I hate the world today. I really hate it. And I hate myself more. Everything I touch clearly turns into shit and I just want to burn everything.
I just feel.... so... angry... at everything. I want to punch things and make them break and shatter and die. I'm meant to be doing well. I'm not meant to be this fucking volitile.
Funky if your nasty darlin'
Good morning, or afternoon... so last night I was hit by a mental train. As I usually am. I felt flooded and empty and needed company to drink my sorrows into oblivion and have a laugh. Oddly enough that didn't really happen as I expected.
Went to my regular and sat with a pint at the bar, cider before you ask, and let myself feel that grief finally let myself feel a little bit of ache and it was more then a little bit. But its okay. Its okay to ache. I ended up going to a mates house and sitting with an old friend and we talked and I decided privately that I was just feeling a little put out because of the volume of change.
An hour or two is a sacred thing when you just need a few kind words and to be told it'll all be alright and you will get through. I know this already, but I needed to hear it from someone else. I haven't been alright for a long time, longer then the past week or two or month. Pretty much every one's guessed this by now from my posts. But I'm doing well, I'm not in two week cycles of breaking down at college on various tutors. Which is something I really want to leave behind and never face again. I have sat at some of my lowest moments in rooms at college covered in tears and shaking like a leaf in a hurricane. This is not something I'd have ever expected to happen.
Yeah, I'm doing very well, bringing it back, putting more control over myself, not such a mess, not such a train wreak. Touch wood, just sorting it.
Someone I met, in October... September time last year said something to me last night that really took me by surprise. I was surprised that it came out of her out of everyone in the room. We'll just call her Ralph for the purpose of writing said conversation:
RALPH: You'll get through
ME: Yeah I know, its just getting there.
RALPH: That road is only as long as you make it.
!?! Hang about. Did I hear that right. That little gem of wisdom came out of YOU!?! This is the girl who I took great interest in because of her musical ability, always being chained to a guitar and singing sweet lyrics that really tugged at my heart strings to the point of distraction. We had a short encounter and after this I decided she lacked any depth and internal intimacy with her emotion. But this, completely proved me wrong. Under that rugged, tomboy, mouthy exterior was some depth, a well hidden depth but there none the less.
And this, was exactly what I needed to hear. That road is only as long as you make it.
So I'm trying a new thing. I'm accepting the unknown and all of its flaws and faults and scary terrors that lurk in dark corners. I'm accepting failure. I'm accepting loss and the impression of being completely forgotten and replaced. I'm accepting all of this and have come to this one little insignificant detail. I really don't care. I don't give a damn how vile it is or will be. My world is not over with. There's far worse that has happened and I really don't care about this. It happened. Shit happens.
I'm okay. I'm aching from exercising everyday since who knows when. I'm really aching from jogging yesterday. And sure there might be a little ache inside my ribcage, but she's okay really cos she knew better then to get to far in this time, she knew better then to give herself away.
Maybe this means I'm starting to catch on. Maybe I'm starting to break the habit and learn. Just maybe, I'm starting to get it. Maybe finally, its actually sinking in. Which is a reason to smile.
Went to my regular and sat with a pint at the bar, cider before you ask, and let myself feel that grief finally let myself feel a little bit of ache and it was more then a little bit. But its okay. Its okay to ache. I ended up going to a mates house and sitting with an old friend and we talked and I decided privately that I was just feeling a little put out because of the volume of change.
An hour or two is a sacred thing when you just need a few kind words and to be told it'll all be alright and you will get through. I know this already, but I needed to hear it from someone else. I haven't been alright for a long time, longer then the past week or two or month. Pretty much every one's guessed this by now from my posts. But I'm doing well, I'm not in two week cycles of breaking down at college on various tutors. Which is something I really want to leave behind and never face again. I have sat at some of my lowest moments in rooms at college covered in tears and shaking like a leaf in a hurricane. This is not something I'd have ever expected to happen.
Yeah, I'm doing very well, bringing it back, putting more control over myself, not such a mess, not such a train wreak. Touch wood, just sorting it.
Someone I met, in October... September time last year said something to me last night that really took me by surprise. I was surprised that it came out of her out of everyone in the room. We'll just call her Ralph for the purpose of writing said conversation:
RALPH: You'll get through
ME: Yeah I know, its just getting there.
RALPH: That road is only as long as you make it.
!?! Hang about. Did I hear that right. That little gem of wisdom came out of YOU!?! This is the girl who I took great interest in because of her musical ability, always being chained to a guitar and singing sweet lyrics that really tugged at my heart strings to the point of distraction. We had a short encounter and after this I decided she lacked any depth and internal intimacy with her emotion. But this, completely proved me wrong. Under that rugged, tomboy, mouthy exterior was some depth, a well hidden depth but there none the less.
And this, was exactly what I needed to hear. That road is only as long as you make it.
So I'm trying a new thing. I'm accepting the unknown and all of its flaws and faults and scary terrors that lurk in dark corners. I'm accepting failure. I'm accepting loss and the impression of being completely forgotten and replaced. I'm accepting all of this and have come to this one little insignificant detail. I really don't care. I don't give a damn how vile it is or will be. My world is not over with. There's far worse that has happened and I really don't care about this. It happened. Shit happens.
I'm okay. I'm aching from exercising everyday since who knows when. I'm really aching from jogging yesterday. And sure there might be a little ache inside my ribcage, but she's okay really cos she knew better then to get to far in this time, she knew better then to give herself away.
Maybe this means I'm starting to catch on. Maybe I'm starting to break the habit and learn. Just maybe, I'm starting to get it. Maybe finally, its actually sinking in. Which is a reason to smile.
Saturday, 25 April 2009
plc.4. mie haed
Linkin Park lyrics. Album Reanimation.
I want to be in another place
I hate when you say you don’t understand
I want to be in the energy
Not with the enemy
A place for my head
I watch how the moon sits in the sky on a dark night
Shining with the light from the sun
But the sun doesn’t give the light to the moon assuming the moon’s going to owe it one
It makes me think of how you act to me
You do favors then rapidly
You just turn around and start asking me about things that you want back from me
I’m sick of the tension
Sick of the hunger
Sick of you acting like I owe you this
Find another place to feed your greed
While I find a place to rest
I’m so sick of the tension
Sick of the hunger
Sick of you acting like I owe you this
Find another place to feed your greed
While I find a place to rest
I want to be in another place
I hate when you say you don’t understand
You’ll see it’s not meant to be
I want to be in the energy
Not with the enemy
A place for my head
I want to be in another place
I hate when you say you don’t understand
You’ll see it’s not meant to be
I want to be in the energy
Not with the enemy
A place for my head
Two, two, three, three
Yo, yo, yo
Give me Energon to keep me calm
You and your mom keep all the dram
Used to be a team, passed that baton
But you flop that bomb as you drop that bomb
Take it to the john in your babylon
Flushed down with the sound that you carry on
I don’t really give a dang
You p****d on my lawn
Took a dump like a punk
Now the battle’s on
So sick of you stressing
Sick of you fessing
Sick of you acting like I owe you some
Find another place
To feed your face
If you don’t, we gon’ bump
Get it up here, crunk
So sick of you stressing
Sick of you fessing
Sick of you acting like I owe you some
Find another place to feed your face
If you don’t, we gon’ bump
Get it up here, crunk
I want to be in another place
I hate when you say you don’t understand
You’ll see it’s not meant to be
I want to be in the energy
Not with the enemy
A place for my head
I want to be in another place
I hate when you say you don’t understand
You’ll see it’s not meant to be
I want to be in the energy
Not with the enemy
A place for my head
You try to take the best of me
You try to take the best of me, go away
You try to take the best of me
You try to take the best of me, go away
You try to take the best of me
You try to take the best
Go, go away
You try to take the best of me, go away
You try to take the best of me, go away
You try to take the best of me, go away
You try to take the best of me, go away
You try to take the best of me, go away
You try to take the best of me, go away
You try to take the best of me, go away
You try to take the best of me (stay away from me), go away
You try to take the best of me, go away
You try to take the best of me, go away
Stay away from me
Yes... the last verse I keep screaming at myself in the mirror.
I want to be in another place
I hate when you say you don’t understand
I want to be in the energy
Not with the enemy
A place for my head
I watch how the moon sits in the sky on a dark night
Shining with the light from the sun
But the sun doesn’t give the light to the moon assuming the moon’s going to owe it one
It makes me think of how you act to me
You do favors then rapidly
You just turn around and start asking me about things that you want back from me
I’m sick of the tension
Sick of the hunger
Sick of you acting like I owe you this
Find another place to feed your greed
While I find a place to rest
I’m so sick of the tension
Sick of the hunger
Sick of you acting like I owe you this
Find another place to feed your greed
While I find a place to rest
I want to be in another place
I hate when you say you don’t understand
You’ll see it’s not meant to be
I want to be in the energy
Not with the enemy
A place for my head
I want to be in another place
I hate when you say you don’t understand
You’ll see it’s not meant to be
I want to be in the energy
Not with the enemy
A place for my head
Two, two, three, three
Yo, yo, yo
Give me Energon to keep me calm
You and your mom keep all the dram
Used to be a team, passed that baton
But you flop that bomb as you drop that bomb
Take it to the john in your babylon
Flushed down with the sound that you carry on
I don’t really give a dang
You p****d on my lawn
Took a dump like a punk
Now the battle’s on
So sick of you stressing
Sick of you fessing
Sick of you acting like I owe you some
Find another place
To feed your face
If you don’t, we gon’ bump
Get it up here, crunk
So sick of you stressing
Sick of you fessing
Sick of you acting like I owe you some
Find another place to feed your face
If you don’t, we gon’ bump
Get it up here, crunk
I want to be in another place
I hate when you say you don’t understand
You’ll see it’s not meant to be
I want to be in the energy
Not with the enemy
A place for my head
I want to be in another place
I hate when you say you don’t understand
You’ll see it’s not meant to be
I want to be in the energy
Not with the enemy
A place for my head
You try to take the best of me
You try to take the best of me, go away
You try to take the best of me
You try to take the best of me, go away
You try to take the best of me
You try to take the best
Go, go away
You try to take the best of me, go away
You try to take the best of me, go away
You try to take the best of me, go away
You try to take the best of me, go away
You try to take the best of me, go away
You try to take the best of me, go away
You try to take the best of me, go away
You try to take the best of me (stay away from me), go away
You try to take the best of me, go away
You try to take the best of me, go away
Stay away from me
Yes... the last verse I keep screaming at myself in the mirror.
Thursday, 23 April 2009
M is for Octopus
There it is. God there it is. Right in my head. Sitting there in beautiful simplicity. I've got linkin park screaming in my headphones. And there it is.... right there... the groove. The wave of nothingness and everything that I road for years with such ease when I was young. There it is. Just so simple. So easy to reach. There it is. The groove. Just the groove. The ability to create something from white paper. The ability to keep going and going and going and I could keep going all night, just because. Just because I can. Yes. Its there again. Open the flood gates and feel it right there just release.
M is for Octopus: I799 words.
In my mind I'm currently standing in the widest expanse of land, there is simply nothing, just barren wasteland, broken fences and a swell of grey and black cloud trembiling for a thunderstorm. I am standing on a rock, blood pouring from my palms, fingers finally stretched open letting the wounds bleed. Locked in the deepest euphoria. The earth swallows my blood and feeds off it, dirt churns and begins vomiting the living, the wind gathers up around me and there is a silent explosion, like a hushed sigh and opening my eyes its real. Its true my sweet wasted land, your god is home.
"Welcome back to yourself. We've missed you."
M is for Octopus: I799 words.
In my mind I'm currently standing in the widest expanse of land, there is simply nothing, just barren wasteland, broken fences and a swell of grey and black cloud trembiling for a thunderstorm. I am standing on a rock, blood pouring from my palms, fingers finally stretched open letting the wounds bleed. Locked in the deepest euphoria. The earth swallows my blood and feeds off it, dirt churns and begins vomiting the living, the wind gathers up around me and there is a silent explosion, like a hushed sigh and opening my eyes its real. Its true my sweet wasted land, your god is home.
"Welcome back to yourself. We've missed you."
Relief
That which removes or lessens evil, pain, discomfort, uneasiness, etc.; that which gives succor, aid, or comfort; also, the person who relieves from performance of duty by taking the place of another; a relay.
Relief: I believe now, that all is right in the world. I'm single. Shes doing whatever. With who ever. Which is fine. But I am incarcerated no more. No more cages. Freedom to breathe. There is just one thing I'd like to do right now: run barefoot in the mud. Liberation is a beautiful thing.
Relief: I believe now, that all is right in the world. I'm single. Shes doing whatever. With who ever. Which is fine. But I am incarcerated no more. No more cages. Freedom to breathe. There is just one thing I'd like to do right now: run barefoot in the mud. Liberation is a beautiful thing.
Today I crossed paths with a butterfly...
And she said: 'Be still child. You'll work it out tomorrow.'
Sunday, 19 April 2009
Day old blues
Something is very wrong. How do I know this? I can't stand the sight of food. Yesturday I had one meal, two attempts to get a full meal into my body but one meal, half from home and half from a sushi bar. Today I ate half of my sunday lunch and I'm making myself eat chocolate to at least give me some form of energy.
So I haven't really been able to eat since friday. It'll be fine... give it till weds I should be fine, I'll have a routine back at any rate.
Went out last night had an amazing time. Danced from eleven to stupid o clock in the morning and drank about... 6 vks and a wkd so wasn't off my face in the slightest, my stomach decided to try and vomit on me part way through the night so I stopped drinking and got on the tap water. When we left the club I was in a foul mood. But I always am at 3am when I just want to sleep. And I'd been woken up cos I was dozing off on a sofa cos I was that tired. How anyone can sleep through that base.... and really its that loud in there I'm sure the floor shakes. My brain felt like moosh anyway. What a feat.... did I mention the other day I stretched my ears to 10mm. :D I'm very chuffed. No split, no bleed, it hurt like feck but was an alright stretch... no problems so far.
My ears are doing what they always seem to, left ones settled relatively quick, the right is still tender.
My tattoo has stopped scabbing and is just extremely itchy at the best of times, not scratching it though, I'll post a picture eventually the cover up is relatively good, its not perfect, but it looks soo much better then it did so I'm completely happy with it. Its the area where the previous tattoo was thats so irratable... its really annoying :(
So yeah. I feel shocking. I'm tired. Pretty wreaked... feel like bits of me are kinda dying. Think its getting close to shoe box time.
So I haven't really been able to eat since friday. It'll be fine... give it till weds I should be fine, I'll have a routine back at any rate.
Went out last night had an amazing time. Danced from eleven to stupid o clock in the morning and drank about... 6 vks and a wkd so wasn't off my face in the slightest, my stomach decided to try and vomit on me part way through the night so I stopped drinking and got on the tap water. When we left the club I was in a foul mood. But I always am at 3am when I just want to sleep. And I'd been woken up cos I was dozing off on a sofa cos I was that tired. How anyone can sleep through that base.... and really its that loud in there I'm sure the floor shakes. My brain felt like moosh anyway. What a feat.... did I mention the other day I stretched my ears to 10mm. :D I'm very chuffed. No split, no bleed, it hurt like feck but was an alright stretch... no problems so far.
My ears are doing what they always seem to, left ones settled relatively quick, the right is still tender.
My tattoo has stopped scabbing and is just extremely itchy at the best of times, not scratching it though, I'll post a picture eventually the cover up is relatively good, its not perfect, but it looks soo much better then it did so I'm completely happy with it. Its the area where the previous tattoo was thats so irratable... its really annoying :(
So yeah. I feel shocking. I'm tired. Pretty wreaked... feel like bits of me are kinda dying. Think its getting close to shoe box time.
Saturday, 18 April 2009
Months to build seconds to destroy
I'm officially moving from one hour to the next, as if its all I'm really living for. Its a fundamental question: What am I doing next?
Where am I going next? What happens next?
So I'm avoiding this question, or these various questions. I could very easily rant up a new set of issues etc. But I'm not going to, because I've said it all, for now anyway.
So tonight: What do I wear? This is a small issue I can deal with. What to wear....? Easier then... what the fuck is going to happen with your girlfriend.
Where am I going next? What happens next?
So I'm avoiding this question, or these various questions. I could very easily rant up a new set of issues etc. But I'm not going to, because I've said it all, for now anyway.
So tonight: What do I wear? This is a small issue I can deal with. What to wear....? Easier then... what the fuck is going to happen with your girlfriend.
Dear Pilgrim....
Dear Pilgrim,
I'm aware I shouldn't really post anything about you on here because you hate it. I'm aware that your probably going to take this in completely the wrong light but I'm not trying to upset, provoke or cause any irritations. I'm going to try and keep the dramatics to a minimum and try and keep the metaphors out of this and just speak plainly. Because I have a problem. The problem is: there is so much building up inside of me and I'm just about ready to burst. Just before you get upset at me for writing to you like this, in full view of everyone, just listen, please. Just listen and accept and hear me.
Sometimes I feel cracked. Like the only sane person on earth when everyones telling me I'm out of my mind, I'm crazy, I'm irrational, I'm paranoid, I'm obsessive, etc. etc. etc. You know I can see things playing out, because I'm a little out of touch with reality and in all honesty I'm just very aware of every little subtle fleck in peoples body language, there speech, the things they do. I know not everythings logical, and not everything is so up and down, black and white, right and wrong. You know my problems. I'm incapable of having anyone close because I'm incapable of watching anyone go, I'm incapable with dealing with pain. I don't deal with pain, I don't deal with grief and I don't deal well with emotion.
And you are so far away now. So distant. If I was anyone else on earth I'm sure you'd be texting me a hundred times a day. If I was anyone else.... I dunno. I'm just so tired of waiting around for my slot in your life because you seem to choose when you want me and when you don't. Its like a temporary thing constantly. I'm never at ease because I constantly feel like I'm dangling upside down over a void.
I don't think your honest with me. Or your as honest as you want to be. But there's so much you don't tell me and there's so much 'I don't need to know'. So really I don't feel part of your life. Never have. Because really I'm sure part of you loves me. But there's also a lot of you that loves someone else. That wants more then what I've got. I'm inadequate really, I'm the charmer, not the one you want to take home and make a permanent part of your life. Just the girl you got with because you could.
I've got to this point before. I've thought, well felt it, felt it in my gut: Maybe it would just be better if I left you alone - because currently your bored of me, you don't really want to speak to me, you don't really want to cuddle up to me, you don't really want me anywhere near you.... so why am I here?
This would probably be the point where you'd stop me, tell me to stop being a daft and probably say: 'But wasn't it so good the other night?' or 'But don't we have so much fun together?' or something. Just cut me off in my tracks. Making me unable to say want I need to, want I so desperately want to.
Yes its true, I'm terrified of you vanishing. Its a built in phobia from the entire of my life being one big mess of friends coming and going and vanishing and backstabbing and upsetting and whispering and being malicious on purpose. Its one big mess of the people I trust the most always end up being the ones who hurt me or leave me or treat me like crap or whatever. But its not just all of this previous crap. Its because I can see you going away. I can see you slipping away from me slowly. You don't want me around when shes there and by god don't I know it, don't I feel it in every cell in my body.
Maybe I've got it all wrong again. But how many times have I just.... reached this same place with you. Its like a never ending cycle. Sure I've won the battle I'm with you, amazing. But I don't think your really with me. I don't think your crazy about me. I don't think its me who drives you wild beyond belief. Cos I don't feel you there anymore, not like you were.
Maybe you just enjoy chasing after me or who ever else it might be. Maybe you want to be with me so badly its untrue but there's just ... something you can't explain in the way something that's just not doing it for you or its to easy or its to boring.
I've said to you before that if you messed around behind my back I'd never speak to you again, those scary scary words. Either I'm seriously delusional... or I've tasted it on you... and I've smelt it on you and it really wasn't me... I don't think I could never speak to you again. Unless I left the country after smashing my phone and banning myself from all Internet usage. I don't want to know when and where and how many times. I just want to know if I'm right. Or if I'm wrong. I want to know if you really mine or you just not quite there and can't figure out how to tell me. I just want a little truth. A little honesty. Cos I feel like there's so much not said. Please. Mercy. I'm begging you for answers. Because I'm so right here and I want to know if your with me or not. And if your not put me out of my misery because it hurts too much. Just fix this please. Fix this giant crack in my head, if your not a hundred per cent for me then its not enough.
We've just got together and it should be easy now. If its this hard now then what will it be like in six months? Please I'm tired of tearing myself apart and not knowing what to do with myself.
Rescue me.... just rescue me? If you want to get angry and tell me I'm stupid and your sick of this going around and around and around go for it. But all of this really isn't going away. It won't be dealt with tomorrow or the next day or the next day. It won't be alright.
Am I right or am I not?
I'm guessing your probably going say something like: if I said you were wrong you wouldn't believe me anyway! And maybe your right. Maybe I wouldn't. But I'd try my fucking hardest to if I knew you really meant it. Maybe its just a complex. Maybe I'm making something out of nothing. But this is just how I feel. And if it wasn't said I'd still feel it, it'd still be there and I'd just get more and more wound up.
You want me to tell you things. Maybe this is a stupid way to tell you. Maybe trying to open up and pour myself all over my blog is a stupid idea. But I don't know what else to do.
Don't be with me just to make me happy.
Love.
I'm aware I shouldn't really post anything about you on here because you hate it. I'm aware that your probably going to take this in completely the wrong light but I'm not trying to upset, provoke or cause any irritations. I'm going to try and keep the dramatics to a minimum and try and keep the metaphors out of this and just speak plainly. Because I have a problem. The problem is: there is so much building up inside of me and I'm just about ready to burst. Just before you get upset at me for writing to you like this, in full view of everyone, just listen, please. Just listen and accept and hear me.
Sometimes I feel cracked. Like the only sane person on earth when everyones telling me I'm out of my mind, I'm crazy, I'm irrational, I'm paranoid, I'm obsessive, etc. etc. etc. You know I can see things playing out, because I'm a little out of touch with reality and in all honesty I'm just very aware of every little subtle fleck in peoples body language, there speech, the things they do. I know not everythings logical, and not everything is so up and down, black and white, right and wrong. You know my problems. I'm incapable of having anyone close because I'm incapable of watching anyone go, I'm incapable with dealing with pain. I don't deal with pain, I don't deal with grief and I don't deal well with emotion.
And you are so far away now. So distant. If I was anyone else on earth I'm sure you'd be texting me a hundred times a day. If I was anyone else.... I dunno. I'm just so tired of waiting around for my slot in your life because you seem to choose when you want me and when you don't. Its like a temporary thing constantly. I'm never at ease because I constantly feel like I'm dangling upside down over a void.
I don't think your honest with me. Or your as honest as you want to be. But there's so much you don't tell me and there's so much 'I don't need to know'. So really I don't feel part of your life. Never have. Because really I'm sure part of you loves me. But there's also a lot of you that loves someone else. That wants more then what I've got. I'm inadequate really, I'm the charmer, not the one you want to take home and make a permanent part of your life. Just the girl you got with because you could.
I've got to this point before. I've thought, well felt it, felt it in my gut: Maybe it would just be better if I left you alone - because currently your bored of me, you don't really want to speak to me, you don't really want to cuddle up to me, you don't really want me anywhere near you.... so why am I here?
This would probably be the point where you'd stop me, tell me to stop being a daft and probably say: 'But wasn't it so good the other night?' or 'But don't we have so much fun together?' or something. Just cut me off in my tracks. Making me unable to say want I need to, want I so desperately want to.
Yes its true, I'm terrified of you vanishing. Its a built in phobia from the entire of my life being one big mess of friends coming and going and vanishing and backstabbing and upsetting and whispering and being malicious on purpose. Its one big mess of the people I trust the most always end up being the ones who hurt me or leave me or treat me like crap or whatever. But its not just all of this previous crap. Its because I can see you going away. I can see you slipping away from me slowly. You don't want me around when shes there and by god don't I know it, don't I feel it in every cell in my body.
Maybe I've got it all wrong again. But how many times have I just.... reached this same place with you. Its like a never ending cycle. Sure I've won the battle I'm with you, amazing. But I don't think your really with me. I don't think your crazy about me. I don't think its me who drives you wild beyond belief. Cos I don't feel you there anymore, not like you were.
Maybe you just enjoy chasing after me or who ever else it might be. Maybe you want to be with me so badly its untrue but there's just ... something you can't explain in the way something that's just not doing it for you or its to easy or its to boring.
I've said to you before that if you messed around behind my back I'd never speak to you again, those scary scary words. Either I'm seriously delusional... or I've tasted it on you... and I've smelt it on you and it really wasn't me... I don't think I could never speak to you again. Unless I left the country after smashing my phone and banning myself from all Internet usage. I don't want to know when and where and how many times. I just want to know if I'm right. Or if I'm wrong. I want to know if you really mine or you just not quite there and can't figure out how to tell me. I just want a little truth. A little honesty. Cos I feel like there's so much not said. Please. Mercy. I'm begging you for answers. Because I'm so right here and I want to know if your with me or not. And if your not put me out of my misery because it hurts too much. Just fix this please. Fix this giant crack in my head, if your not a hundred per cent for me then its not enough.
We've just got together and it should be easy now. If its this hard now then what will it be like in six months? Please I'm tired of tearing myself apart and not knowing what to do with myself.
Rescue me.... just rescue me? If you want to get angry and tell me I'm stupid and your sick of this going around and around and around go for it. But all of this really isn't going away. It won't be dealt with tomorrow or the next day or the next day. It won't be alright.
Am I right or am I not?
I'm guessing your probably going say something like: if I said you were wrong you wouldn't believe me anyway! And maybe your right. Maybe I wouldn't. But I'd try my fucking hardest to if I knew you really meant it. Maybe its just a complex. Maybe I'm making something out of nothing. But this is just how I feel. And if it wasn't said I'd still feel it, it'd still be there and I'd just get more and more wound up.
You want me to tell you things. Maybe this is a stupid way to tell you. Maybe trying to open up and pour myself all over my blog is a stupid idea. But I don't know what else to do.
Don't be with me just to make me happy.
Love.
Sunday, 12 April 2009
Saturday, 11 April 2009
Its a disgusting feeling....
I'm a little bit frightened.....
Okay... a lot frightened.
Had big panics last night, to the point I was shaking and was nearly sick on the side of the road. I'm getting my ink done today...... and am feeling a little... volitile and erratic. But thats fine because the buzz of a needle and ink will bring me back to earth.
Need to bleed....
Need to run...
Need to hide.
Not really.... very happy at the current moment.
Okay... a lot frightened.
Had big panics last night, to the point I was shaking and was nearly sick on the side of the road. I'm getting my ink done today...... and am feeling a little... volitile and erratic. But thats fine because the buzz of a needle and ink will bring me back to earth.
Need to bleed....
Need to run...
Need to hide.
Not really.... very happy at the current moment.
Thursday, 9 April 2009
Sunday, 5 April 2009
Stop and stare, I think I'm moving but I go no where
Emotion is a fundamental part of living. You can't get away from it. Its a solitary thing. A single stream of uncontrollable conciousness from inside you out.
I feel.... tired. Constantly. I'm not lacking sleep today, I slept from half one this morning to twelve this afternoon. I'm fed. I'm relatively content. I'm alive. Theres oxygen in my body. I haven't drank since wednsday. I feel quite low. Like I'm lacking attachment to anything. The suns out. I think I might shower, get my shorts on and sit in my garden and write. Whether or not I'm productive is another question.
Not sure where I've gone....? Somewhere....
I feel.... tired. Constantly. I'm not lacking sleep today, I slept from half one this morning to twelve this afternoon. I'm fed. I'm relatively content. I'm alive. Theres oxygen in my body. I haven't drank since wednsday. I feel quite low. Like I'm lacking attachment to anything. The suns out. I think I might shower, get my shorts on and sit in my garden and write. Whether or not I'm productive is another question.
Not sure where I've gone....? Somewhere....
Before sleep
Today's been one of those. I'm really appreciating the little things today. Like, coming home to my bed and realising its one of the comfiest places in the world. This is a beautiful feeling. Earlier I was thinking: my bed hair clearly looks so much better then when I style it. I didn't particularly run anywhere today. But little things today. Like my bacon and egg sarnie. Like random cuddles with a close mate in the pub. Today its just been nice being alive, in a funny sort of way I'm appreciating it instead of dreading tomorrow, or the next hour. I'm not sure why.
Today I won at something. Pool. Not just a game. Killer pool. Pool played with many people for money. And yeah it was a whole eight quid but I won. I never win at anything. Maybe it was because I was the only sober one in the room. But I don't care.
I feel sick again.
I'm still so tired. Its like a never ending exhaustion.
Today I won at something. Pool. Not just a game. Killer pool. Pool played with many people for money. And yeah it was a whole eight quid but I won. I never win at anything. Maybe it was because I was the only sober one in the room. But I don't care.
I feel sick again.
I'm still so tired. Its like a never ending exhaustion.
Saturday, 4 April 2009
Ilene-fucking-chaiken-land
Today has been a bit of a duvet day. I woke up at ten to a bacon an egg sarnie. Ate less then half of it and then spent nearly two hours staring at my ceiling. I got out of bed for tea. Nothing more nothing less. Just tea, and then the dog joined me in bed and I started watching the latest series of the L word, series 6, the finally - apparently.
So my thoughts: Its dreadfully short. This series, is a whole 8 episodes long. For anyone who has no clue what I'm on about the L word is a lesbian soap that documents pretty well the drama and chaos in an regular lesbian day.
So. Jenny dies. And who kills Jenny. NOBODY KNOWS. Because this is 'the L word land' so if somebody knows who kills Jenny fucking Schecter let me know. Because I'm rather irritated. In a perfect world, this series would end like this:
BUT DOES ANY OF THIS HAPPEN!?! NO!?!!?!!!?!!?! Because this is fucking Ilene Chaiken land!?! Why does the season end so quickly?!! BECAUSE SHE RAN OUT OF IDEAS!?!! *tantrum* WHY IS IT SO BLOODY INFURIATING?! BECAUSE IS ILENE CHAIKEN LAND!?!!?!!?
Anyway. Back to my life. My parents have decided there turning half the garden into a farm. Or an allotment. Depending on how your looking at it. Unfortunately my pleas for chickens, a goat called Magic and a pig have been ignored.
I am rather disappointed. :( I really want a goat called Magic. :(
Oh and did I mention there's going to be a spin off show? Oh yes believe it. Its going to be called 'the Farm' and Alice stays. Its going to be about a bunch of dykes stuck in prison, so clearly Alice is framed, because Alice is far to nice to kill Jenny.
So my thoughts: Its dreadfully short. This series, is a whole 8 episodes long. For anyone who has no clue what I'm on about the L word is a lesbian soap that documents pretty well the drama and chaos in an regular lesbian day.
- Season 1: 14 Episodes
- Season 2: 13 Episodes
- Season 3: 12 Episodes (Why am I seeing a pattern here?)
- Season 4: 12 Episodes (Oh look pattern broken)
- Season 5: 12 Episodes (Okay... this is still good 12 is a nice respectable number)
- Season 6: 8 Episodes (What...!? EIGHT!!? IS THAT IT?! WHY EIGHT!?!)
So. Jenny dies. And who kills Jenny. NOBODY KNOWS. Because this is 'the L word land' so if somebody knows who kills Jenny fucking Schecter let me know. Because I'm rather irritated. In a perfect world, this series would end like this:
- Jenny Dies [X] (WOOOP THAT ONE HAPPENED!!!)
- Bette and Tina don't move to NY and adopt Max's baby, leaving Tom to realise he's an arse and come back and marry Max (Oh and Max would learn that facial hair is really a no no) [?]
- Dana is raised from the grave to rescue Alice while Tash and Jamie get it on because there so clearly made for each other. [?]
- Helena would realise shes becoming an alcoholic and would in fact stop drinking because its fueling her paranoia and her trust issues. Which in turn would mean Dylan would return after a decent haircut and return to the fit little bit she was and marry Helena and there would be a big happy ending [?]
- Kit and that drag queen will marry and be nice and happy together. (its on the way I can tell therefore it gets an X) [X]
- Molly will realise Shane didn't get her letter and come back to find that Carmen is back on the block and will be maid of honour at Shane and Carmen's wedding. Because that's what was supposed to happen to begin with. [?]
- Jenny and Shane never had a romantic relationship and the entire thing was a bad dream on Shane's part and she wakes up to realise shes back in season three and is back with Carmen. [?]
- Oh and Shay is rescued from his horrible horrible father and Shane, Carmen and Shay live happily ever after. [?]
- And Tim will realise he is responsible for Jenny's death and will suffer a horrible horrible suicide through alcohol poisoning out of guilt for Jenny's death and for driving her into the arms of a woman which consequently started the entire of the bloody L word. [?]
- And then Marina will appear, not a psycho, not insane, not depressed and completely over Jenny and the south of France! And she will be gorgeous and amazing again! [?]
- Oh oh oh ohoh oh ohohhhh!?! AND IT TURNS OUT THAT ADELE KILLED JENNY BECAUSE SHES A PSYCHO OH AND WHERE WAS THAT TART BY THE WAY?!?!? WHY DID SHE JUST VANISH INTO THE VOID!?! REALLY REALLY REALLY!?! STUPID STUPID STUPID!?!?! [?]
BUT DOES ANY OF THIS HAPPEN!?! NO!?!!?!!!?!!?! Because this is fucking Ilene Chaiken land!?! Why does the season end so quickly?!! BECAUSE SHE RAN OUT OF IDEAS!?!! *tantrum* WHY IS IT SO BLOODY INFURIATING?! BECAUSE IS ILENE CHAIKEN LAND!?!!?!!?
Anyway. Back to my life. My parents have decided there turning half the garden into a farm. Or an allotment. Depending on how your looking at it. Unfortunately my pleas for chickens, a goat called Magic and a pig have been ignored.
I am rather disappointed. :( I really want a goat called Magic. :(
Oh and did I mention there's going to be a spin off show? Oh yes believe it. Its going to be called 'the Farm' and Alice stays. Its going to be about a bunch of dykes stuck in prison, so clearly Alice is framed, because Alice is far to nice to kill Jenny.
Friday, 3 April 2009
She's always looking at me....
Horoscope
There is an exciting surprise coming your way today, and it's going to push a few of your carefully-made plans off the track -- but you've been hoping for more spontaneous energy in your life, so this will be a very good thing! You'll be delighted by the unexpected developments and you'll be happy to be flexible. You can accommodate whatever has to happen. Plus, you'll find new appreciation for the unknown. This is a great day to build a new tradition and leave an outdated one far behind you
Spontaneous energy? you lie. Pssh. Unexpected developments? Where? Flexible? Does this mean I'm getting some at last? Urgh.
There is an exciting surprise coming your way today, and it's going to push a few of your carefully-made plans off the track -- but you've been hoping for more spontaneous energy in your life, so this will be a very good thing! You'll be delighted by the unexpected developments and you'll be happy to be flexible. You can accommodate whatever has to happen. Plus, you'll find new appreciation for the unknown. This is a great day to build a new tradition and leave an outdated one far behind you
Spontaneous energy? you lie. Pssh. Unexpected developments? Where? Flexible? Does this mean I'm getting some at last? Urgh.
another day... in this life.
I'm am horrifically tired. I spent most of the night awake, picturing my eventual self destruction and could do nothing but picture it.
I cut my arms up elbow to wrist and then take it too far and cut across whatever vein and my mother finds me. Problem with empathising with the main character too much is, you know someone will always find away to save you. Self indulgent. Self absorbed. I have visions of me walking into the pub bandaged up. Refusing drink and getting copped by a few friends who are horrified. And then getting sent away into a supposed 'safe' place. Sectioned. For lack of a better word.
My brain is throbbing. So tired. Just one more day and then I can fall apart. Just one more day. I just need to make it through today and I can be as much as a shambles as I want. Two weeks off and I need to have a very scary conversation with my dad about making a doctors appointment.
I'm afraid, there's nothing more to say.
I cut my arms up elbow to wrist and then take it too far and cut across whatever vein and my mother finds me. Problem with empathising with the main character too much is, you know someone will always find away to save you. Self indulgent. Self absorbed. I have visions of me walking into the pub bandaged up. Refusing drink and getting copped by a few friends who are horrified. And then getting sent away into a supposed 'safe' place. Sectioned. For lack of a better word.
My brain is throbbing. So tired. Just one more day and then I can fall apart. Just one more day. I just need to make it through today and I can be as much as a shambles as I want. Two weeks off and I need to have a very scary conversation with my dad about making a doctors appointment.
I'm afraid, there's nothing more to say.
Thursday, 2 April 2009
bang.................'shite is that.... is that your eye?'
Today I promised one of my lecturers that I was going to seek medical help.
I've had this conversation with her millions of times in my head, sometimes I'm screaming, smashing her face in and the conversation ends with her sailing out of the third story window. Other times I do nothing but break down.
Today I did nothing but break down. And I'm so full of this emotion that it comes again and again and again and I don't even know why now. No ones died. I'm not dying of some disease. I just can't seem to win. My entire life is one big failure. Because everything I try to do amounts to nothing.
Yes I'm being negative. I'm irrational and not in my right mind. But the fundamental law of my life is: I always lose.
Apparently its not a defeat to admit you need help. But why do I feel like it is? I'm nineteen? I shouldn't be this troubled. I can't deal with stress. I put far too much pressure on myself. And I'm terrified. And I know theres at least one person on this earth that is going to be reading this and make this post about them. It'll be something like: Why did you say that it makes me feel so bad? Or I don't like you being sad. Or I don't like your latest post. But before you decide to text me some bullshit about how you don't like me being sad or how you don't like my latest post because it makes you feel so very upset. Take this into consideration. This is my blog. This is my space. And I'll post what I fucking please because if I don't put it here where the hell am I going to put it?
Anyway. Tangent. I'm terrified. Of what? The unknown. The new. The lets throw you out of your comfort zone. The: oh my life I have no fucking clue what I'm going to do. I'm frightened. What am I meant to do? What!? WHAT IS IT!?! Run hide? Go? Leave? Stay? What?! Go forwards go backwards go left go right? What is it!?! Cos I don't bloody know. All I know is that I'm sitting with my laptop on across my legs, crying again, shaking again caught halfway between panic and hysteria.
There's too much in my head. At this rate I'm on a one way trip to crazy town.
And this is the odd thing. Ten seconds after describing myself crying shaking etc. I shut down completely and it all goes away. Its like this six inches of runway. I'm sitting at one airport and before I know it I've screamed my way down to the other airport and I'm at a completely different place. And how do I feel? Sick. Tired. Dead inside. I feel like someone has taken a giant chainsaw and cut me in half and my guts are kinda sloshing around all over the place.
I'm now sitting in the erratic place. Mild panic, mild disorder, I feel ill and fuzzyheaded. I've eaten. I'm tired. This happened earlier. Its like my head isn't attached to my shoulders. The bit inbetween my ears is really heavy.
I think I'm actually going mad. Little bit confused.
I've had this conversation with her millions of times in my head, sometimes I'm screaming, smashing her face in and the conversation ends with her sailing out of the third story window. Other times I do nothing but break down.
Today I did nothing but break down. And I'm so full of this emotion that it comes again and again and again and I don't even know why now. No ones died. I'm not dying of some disease. I just can't seem to win. My entire life is one big failure. Because everything I try to do amounts to nothing.
Yes I'm being negative. I'm irrational and not in my right mind. But the fundamental law of my life is: I always lose.
Apparently its not a defeat to admit you need help. But why do I feel like it is? I'm nineteen? I shouldn't be this troubled. I can't deal with stress. I put far too much pressure on myself. And I'm terrified. And I know theres at least one person on this earth that is going to be reading this and make this post about them. It'll be something like: Why did you say that it makes me feel so bad? Or I don't like you being sad. Or I don't like your latest post. But before you decide to text me some bullshit about how you don't like me being sad or how you don't like my latest post because it makes you feel so very upset. Take this into consideration. This is my blog. This is my space. And I'll post what I fucking please because if I don't put it here where the hell am I going to put it?
Anyway. Tangent. I'm terrified. Of what? The unknown. The new. The lets throw you out of your comfort zone. The: oh my life I have no fucking clue what I'm going to do. I'm frightened. What am I meant to do? What!? WHAT IS IT!?! Run hide? Go? Leave? Stay? What?! Go forwards go backwards go left go right? What is it!?! Cos I don't bloody know. All I know is that I'm sitting with my laptop on across my legs, crying again, shaking again caught halfway between panic and hysteria.
There's too much in my head. At this rate I'm on a one way trip to crazy town.
And this is the odd thing. Ten seconds after describing myself crying shaking etc. I shut down completely and it all goes away. Its like this six inches of runway. I'm sitting at one airport and before I know it I've screamed my way down to the other airport and I'm at a completely different place. And how do I feel? Sick. Tired. Dead inside. I feel like someone has taken a giant chainsaw and cut me in half and my guts are kinda sloshing around all over the place.
I'm now sitting in the erratic place. Mild panic, mild disorder, I feel ill and fuzzyheaded. I've eaten. I'm tired. This happened earlier. Its like my head isn't attached to my shoulders. The bit inbetween my ears is really heavy.
I think I'm actually going mad. Little bit confused.
Wednesday, 1 April 2009
Time is relative...
...to the time spent wasting it.
I won't lie to you I don't believe in time. If time was purely real, moments of your life wouldn't last several years and several years wouldn't last moments. Soon I have two weeks off. And for this I am more then grateful because I will turn these two weeks into two years and simply exist because its what I'm supposed to do.
I'm a little bit hungover. Yesterday I decided college was cancelled, so I could spend my evening doing things of more importance. Like going to the pub and having good times with a few close friends. The problem with this is hanging out with someone you haven't seen for ages - you suddenly realise how small the world is. The knowing everyone in the pub you don't. So small. Or is that just the lesbian community?
I'm quite sleepy again, quite, tired in a 'thank god' kind of way. Currently I'm just very very willing to curl up in my blanket and sleep. But that could be because I had a horrible night's sleep. I got home at one, after walking home, and I was awake and then asleep and then awake and then asleep and in a horrible amount of pain because I came on yesterday. So lying in bed asking myself why I was gifted with a uterus turned into creeping down stairs in the search of painkillers at 3:40. And after that it was plain sailing. Just sleeps. Nothing less.
I think may be, I've caught up with myself, if that makes any sense? I still don't really want to talk, I don't want answers to questions. And I think that's best for now. I've been racing for so long that I've kind of stopped and let my feet catch up.
A fair bit of Monday I wanted to be sick, not through feeling ill, or eating too much or not eating enough. Tuesday wasn't so bad and my appetites back. And today? Today is just another day.
I think its time to play Squeaky.
I won't lie to you I don't believe in time. If time was purely real, moments of your life wouldn't last several years and several years wouldn't last moments. Soon I have two weeks off. And for this I am more then grateful because I will turn these two weeks into two years and simply exist because its what I'm supposed to do.
I'm a little bit hungover. Yesterday I decided college was cancelled, so I could spend my evening doing things of more importance. Like going to the pub and having good times with a few close friends. The problem with this is hanging out with someone you haven't seen for ages - you suddenly realise how small the world is. The knowing everyone in the pub you don't. So small. Or is that just the lesbian community?
I'm quite sleepy again, quite, tired in a 'thank god' kind of way. Currently I'm just very very willing to curl up in my blanket and sleep. But that could be because I had a horrible night's sleep. I got home at one, after walking home, and I was awake and then asleep and then awake and then asleep and in a horrible amount of pain because I came on yesterday. So lying in bed asking myself why I was gifted with a uterus turned into creeping down stairs in the search of painkillers at 3:40. And after that it was plain sailing. Just sleeps. Nothing less.
I think may be, I've caught up with myself, if that makes any sense? I still don't really want to talk, I don't want answers to questions. And I think that's best for now. I've been racing for so long that I've kind of stopped and let my feet catch up.
A fair bit of Monday I wanted to be sick, not through feeling ill, or eating too much or not eating enough. Tuesday wasn't so bad and my appetites back. And today? Today is just another day.
I think its time to play Squeaky.
Tuesday, 31 March 2009
You are wrong fucked and over rated. I think I'm gonna be sick and its your fault.
The healing powers of slipknot.
Monday, 30 March 2009
Issues
My fingers are covered in ink, I can still taste my last cigarette and I'm sitting in my flares, with my dads jumper on. Troy is on my telly, my dog is asleep on the floor and both of my knees are aching like there is an iron grip around both of them. I am tired. So tired.
Where did it all go? One of those questions. How did I get here? I've gotten to that place where questions are left unanswered because I don't want to talk anymore. I don't want the answers. So instead I'm sitting in front of the tv. Far far away in my head. I was the same at college, further away actually because I was surrounded by people. I woke up so angry. So angry I was shaking, screaming angrily in my head at various faces, my heart beat was loud in my head, all fire and brimstone before plunging straight down. Last night when I walked into the house I found myself looking at scottish mist. Fabulous. Hallucinating again. Today is a very manic day.
So now I'm all comfort and waiting on comfort food. I won't say anything else on any other matter.
Where did it all go? One of those questions. How did I get here? I've gotten to that place where questions are left unanswered because I don't want to talk anymore. I don't want the answers. So instead I'm sitting in front of the tv. Far far away in my head. I was the same at college, further away actually because I was surrounded by people. I woke up so angry. So angry I was shaking, screaming angrily in my head at various faces, my heart beat was loud in my head, all fire and brimstone before plunging straight down. Last night when I walked into the house I found myself looking at scottish mist. Fabulous. Hallucinating again. Today is a very manic day.
So now I'm all comfort and waiting on comfort food. I won't say anything else on any other matter.
Sunday, 29 March 2009
Between the Lines
Time to tell me the truth
To burden your mouth for what you say
No pieces of paper in the way
Cause I can't continue pretending to choose
The opposite sides on which we fall
The loving you laters if at all
No right minds could wrong me this many times
My memory is cruel
Im queen of attention to details
Defending intentions if he fails
Until now, he told me her name
It sounded familiar in a way
I could have sworn i'd heard him say it ten thousand times
If only i had been listening
Leave unsaid unspoken
Eyes wide shut unopened
You and me
Always between the lines
Between the lines
I thought i thought i was ready to bleed
That we'd move from the shadows on the wall
And stand in the center of it all
Too late two choices to stay or to leave
Mine was so easy to uncover
He'd already left with the other
So i've learned to listen through silence
Leave unsaid unspoken
Eyes wide shut unopened
You and me be
You and me always be
I tell myself all the words he surely meant to say
I'll talk until the conversation doesn't stay on
Wait for me i'm almost ready
When he meant let go
Leave unsaid unspoken
Eyes wide shut unopened
You and me
Always be
You and me
Always between the lines
- Sara Bareilles: Between the Lines. Album: Little Voice.
I don't need to say anything else.
To burden your mouth for what you say
No pieces of paper in the way
Cause I can't continue pretending to choose
The opposite sides on which we fall
The loving you laters if at all
No right minds could wrong me this many times
My memory is cruel
Im queen of attention to details
Defending intentions if he fails
Until now, he told me her name
It sounded familiar in a way
I could have sworn i'd heard him say it ten thousand times
If only i had been listening
Leave unsaid unspoken
Eyes wide shut unopened
You and me
Always between the lines
Between the lines
I thought i thought i was ready to bleed
That we'd move from the shadows on the wall
And stand in the center of it all
Too late two choices to stay or to leave
Mine was so easy to uncover
He'd already left with the other
So i've learned to listen through silence
Leave unsaid unspoken
Eyes wide shut unopened
You and me be
You and me always be
I tell myself all the words he surely meant to say
I'll talk until the conversation doesn't stay on
Wait for me i'm almost ready
When he meant let go
Leave unsaid unspoken
Eyes wide shut unopened
You and me
Always be
You and me
Always between the lines
- Sara Bareilles: Between the Lines. Album: Little Voice.
I don't need to say anything else.
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