I've been thinking a lot to myself. Actually, good thinking not just lets think about everything to the point where we explode into tiny bits and our eyeballs bleed. Good thinking. Thinking that results in stuff. And I am not crazy. Thats my decision today. I am not crazy.
I am delicate. But I am not crazy. This is a nice thought to have. I'm taking a lot of comfort out o fit. I'm not crazy. I'm not crazy. I'm not crazy. The entire world has been trying to convince me I am, but I'm not. I'm not crazy. I'm very very aware of everything. I'm very tuned in to everything. But I am not crazy.
Sure I can be chaotic and have a mishapen view thats appeared from so much and doesn't actually become clear until its crept up on me smacked me in the face and said 'hello, shall we go for a pint?' I am not crazy. I'm really not crazy. It wasn't my fault. I said it all last night, it all fell out of me like rain and you know those moments you have were someone says something and it makes sense. Well I had one of those and it made perfect sense to me.
My natural occupation since I was four was watching people. Picking up on there little signals, picking up on there manerisums and everything else. It was what I did because I had no one to talk to when I was young and if I did it was a dinner lady or someone hurling abuse or someone ignoring me entirely because I had an imagination and was a little bit strange. I'd play in the dirt and prefer my own company, loathing maths most of all and orchestrating a different life between my ears. I can remember getting my textbook marked and being so certain I'd got it this time, I'd managed it, and getting it back with big X's scribbled all over it. I hated that. The long walk up to the front of the classroom, handing over my brick red text book and waiting for the enevitable. X X X. Bugger. Not again. :(
I took to watching, I took to learning people. I took to becoming acutely aware of other people. Which is why so much can amount to paranoia. If you give me no reason not to be paranoid surely my brain is going to give me every reason.
A) It has been built into me, that people WILL leave me. They have me for a while they stick around for a while and then they will leave and I WILL be alone again. B) I'm terrified of the unknown and without a comforting hand on my shoulder constantly I will spaz out. C) I'm terrified of myself. I'm terrified of actually opening up to anyone so this feat is unusual to begin with and if it does happen it usually equates to a giant mess because I throw myself out of my comfort zone. D) Small things will add up to a larger equation. Sure you can't write your life cos you only know this book, but out of habbit I try, I'll see your plot line, your involment in the story, your characters relevance, and I'll see the woman at the supermarkets plotline, her involvement, her effect, her children, her husband whos never there because he'd rather see his friends at the pub then be a part of there lives. E) Its the you are far too close factor.
Combine a few of these and what do you get? A bit of a mess.
Thing is she got with me. She got with me. In the end. After so long of fighting for it she finally got with me. How long had I waited? Since October? ... Something like that. But here was one of the problems: She was with a girl when I met her, and shamelessly there it was, it started and obviously this girl knew. She knew for so long and I knew it drove her inside out and back again. Because its not nice seeing the girl your desperately in love with play you for a fool.
But such horrible things happened in the run up to now, things that hurt so much it was unreal. Things I thought had completely broke my spirit. I might just be a goldfish going around and around in a tank of water but these things really hurt. To begin with it was little things, she couldn't meet me, she was late, whatever... these things are easy enough to forgive. Then it was shit they've broken up, do I have my chance now? Am I finally going to get there? No. Don't be silly. Its still December. They get back together of course. Couple of things that just really are far to fresh.
Like the girl of my dreams being so there with me all week, being like so there, lulling me into this false sense of security, yes, this is nice, I'm sitting in the pub with my arm around you and I'm not really afraid of anything because yes this is happening. Its a warm fuzzy feeling, kinda like the relaxation of slipping into a bath. And then come the weekend I'm at a different pub, she's with the ex/the girl she was with when I met her. This is fine. They've got issues to sort out. They've got stuff to talk about. They've just broken up. Text message: Why are you paranoid? We're just finishing our drinks and then going to some hotel. I can feel that feeling now just thinking about it, my stomach falls out of my ass, I want to crawl into a little ball and weep because it hurt so much. Because all week, she'd made me believe it was happening, and it was happening soon. It was meant to be my turn. And instead I've got my beautiful imagination congouring up her face inbetween her ex's legs, bareback on the carpet. And thats all I need.
I'm angry for three days. And on the forth day I've given up and breakdown.
Another time. They'd broken up. And once again the girl of my dreams was on the phone to me. Her ex was down, going to a funeral, valid reasons to be down blah balh ablah. She was on the phone to me, she was telling me she'd got pissy at her this morning and they'd argued because her ex wouldn't go to McDonalds for breakfast. And then she said: If you kiss my flower, I'll go. So I did and then she didn't go! So matter o fact. Like she didn't care she'd just told me this. Like it meant nothing. Sure fuck your ex all morning and then share your experiences. That was the day I cut my leg up. And then my fingertips. And was pouring with so much blood I was terrified.
Yes. It still hurts. Its not alright now and it never was. Its so stupid... the amount thats happend, the volume, the intensity, just all for it is stupid. When we actually got together it felt too good to be true, why? Because her ex was down every weekend since they'd broken up. Because they slept in the same bed. Because she still told her ex she loved her. And I'm sorry but I don't care who you are. Anyone who has ever been with anyone and heard that come out of there other half said to there ex knows just how bloody painful it is. Its not fair. Its not nice.
Sure you can tell me I'm your everything now but when did you show me that when we were together? Two hours late when you were with her. And none of this: We're running late come over. No it was meet me at such and such and half eight. And then obviously, just like every other time for two hours I don't know where they are what there doing and for a good fourty five minutes I hear nothing. What would you think. Worried? What if somethings happened? Paranoid? Shes with her ex I wonder if shes forgotten me yet and started eating her out after dinner just because she knows its the only oppurtunity shes gonna get for a while.
I am not. Crazy. I have very valid reasons. I had every right to be paranoid. Sure. Argument could be: you were never leanient enough you just went off on one constantly. I know so many people that would have turned around and said the minute she said: She;s coming down this weekend. That would have said, its me or her. And if its her you can fuck off.
Look at this equation:
Me + Girlfriend = Good.
Me + Girlfriend + Girlfriends ex = excuse me what? she came down last weekend, surely you can wait five minutes and spend some time with me? But fine shes your friend. Whatever.
Me + Girlfriend + Girlfriends ex + Sharing a bed + Going on a road trip to she ex's friends and family + Constant lateness + I'm going to get really really drunk so I don't have to watch you saunter around the pub touching but not touching and put up with you telling me to sod off out of this little space because obviously its not something I need to know + This giant void between us that I cant seem to fill with anything because you keep saying your still there but I don't think you are. Cos from everything I'm reading from you, you don't want me in this room right now. You don't want me in your bed right now. And you haven't got off the damn phone to her all day and its starting to kill any faith I've got. + Your never going to listen anyway, because every time I start talking I see this vague bored expression on your face, or I ask a question and get laughed at. Or you do something else to make me feel two inches tall because you can belittle me and I'm starting to feel like you really enjoy it. + You making everything about you and never actually listening to what I'm saying, never actually letting me finish a sentance and for godsake! Let me get a word in edgeways last night has nothing to do with now. Those few good days didn't solve anything because your still not listening your just making it all go in a big fucking circle ending with the question: Do you love me? + I need some space. Your in my face constantly and because your in my face constantly this situation is in my head constantly and is just going around and around and around and whenever I write something like this in my blog I get a: You nasty cow. Or Fuck you. Because your just making it about you again and not listening to a word I'm saying, just blasting it out of context and expecting it to all be alright when you kiss it away or fuck me all night. = ..... I can't do this anymore.
Me + Girlfriend + Girlfriends ex = excuse me what? she came down last weekend, surely you can wait five minutes and spend some time with me? But fine shes your friend. Whatever.
Me + Girlfriend + Girlfriends ex + Sharing a bed + Going on a road trip to she ex's friends and family + Constant lateness + I'm going to get really really drunk so I don't have to watch you saunter around the pub touching but not touching and put up with you telling me to sod off out of this little space because obviously its not something I need to know + This giant void between us that I cant seem to fill with anything because you keep saying your still there but I don't think you are. Cos from everything I'm reading from you, you don't want me in this room right now. You don't want me in your bed right now. And you haven't got off the damn phone to her all day and its starting to kill any faith I've got. + Your never going to listen anyway, because every time I start talking I see this vague bored expression on your face, or I ask a question and get laughed at. Or you do something else to make me feel two inches tall because you can belittle me and I'm starting to feel like you really enjoy it. + You making everything about you and never actually listening to what I'm saying, never actually letting me finish a sentance and for godsake! Let me get a word in edgeways last night has nothing to do with now. Those few good days didn't solve anything because your still not listening your just making it all go in a big fucking circle ending with the question: Do you love me? + I need some space. Your in my face constantly and because your in my face constantly this situation is in my head constantly and is just going around and around and around and whenever I write something like this in my blog I get a: You nasty cow. Or Fuck you. Because your just making it about you again and not listening to a word I'm saying, just blasting it out of context and expecting it to all be alright when you kiss it away or fuck me all night. = ..... I can't do this anymore.
I could actually go on... and on ... and on... about it all... tell you how we'd sit in the same room on opposite sides. This obviously makes me think I'm not wanted and crave human contanct. And obviously this entire equation leaves me wanting a little affection... a little security and damn fucks sake I wanted to feel like I was more then someone to shag in the week while her ex wasn't there... I wanted to feel valued and loved and like she really gave a damn.
Its funny how so much can kinda open up your eyes and make you drag yourself out of that little place known as 'in love'. Because If its this hard in the first 16 days. What would it be like in six months. My prediction is I wouldn't have been faithful. I would have found some affection somewhere else because I knew just how alone I was begining to feel. You'd be surprised what coming over once in a while and cuddling me does. You'd be surprised what saying: 'Baby stop it nothing is going to happen and if it did I'd tell you in a heartbeat.' does.
Punchline is this: I am not crazy. And hopefully. This will be the last time I disect this. Because to be honest I'd like to forget it.
Its funny how so much can kinda open up your eyes and make you drag yourself out of that little place known as 'in love'. Because If its this hard in the first 16 days. What would it be like in six months. My prediction is I wouldn't have been faithful. I would have found some affection somewhere else because I knew just how alone I was begining to feel. You'd be surprised what coming over once in a while and cuddling me does. You'd be surprised what saying: 'Baby stop it nothing is going to happen and if it did I'd tell you in a heartbeat.' does.
Punchline is this: I am not crazy. And hopefully. This will be the last time I disect this. Because to be honest I'd like to forget it.
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