bang.................'shite is that.... is that your eye?'

Today I promised one of my lecturers that I was going to seek medical help.
I've had this conversation with her millions of times in my head, sometimes I'm screaming, smashing her face in and the conversation ends with her sailing out of the third story window. Other times I do nothing but break down.
Today I did nothing but break down. And I'm so full of this emotion that it comes again and again and again and I don't even know why now. No ones died. I'm not dying of some disease. I just can't seem to win. My entire life is one big failure. Because everything I try to do amounts to nothing.
Yes I'm being negative. I'm irrational and not in my right mind. But the fundamental law of my life is: I always lose.
Apparently its not a defeat to admit you need help. But why do I feel like it is? I'm nineteen? I shouldn't be this troubled. I can't deal with stress. I put far too much pressure on myself. And I'm terrified. And I know theres at least one person on this earth that is going to be reading this and make this post about them. It'll be something like: Why did you say that it makes me feel so bad? Or I don't like you being sad. Or I don't like your latest post. But before you decide to text me some bullshit about how you don't like me being sad or how you don't like my latest post because it makes you feel so very upset. Take this into consideration. This is my blog. This is my space. And I'll post what I fucking please because if I don't put it here where the hell am I going to put it?
Anyway. Tangent. I'm terrified. Of what? The unknown. The new. The lets throw you out of your comfort zone. The: oh my life I have no fucking clue what I'm going to do. I'm frightened. What am I meant to do? What!? WHAT IS IT!?! Run hide? Go? Leave? Stay? What?! Go forwards go backwards go left go right? What is it!?! Cos I don't bloody know. All I know is that I'm sitting with my laptop on across my legs, crying again, shaking again caught halfway between panic and hysteria.
There's too much in my head. At this rate I'm on a one way trip to crazy town.
And this is the odd thing. Ten seconds after describing myself crying shaking etc. I shut down completely and it all goes away. Its like this six inches of runway. I'm sitting at one airport and before I know it I've screamed my way down to the other airport and I'm at a completely different place. And how do I feel? Sick. Tired. Dead inside. I feel like someone has taken a giant chainsaw and cut me in half and my guts are kinda sloshing around all over the place.
I'm now sitting in the erratic place. Mild panic, mild disorder, I feel ill and fuzzyheaded. I've eaten. I'm tired. This happened earlier. Its like my head isn't attached to my shoulders. The bit inbetween my ears is really heavy.
I think I'm actually going mad. Little bit confused.