The Burst Bubble

Ya know I've cried so much since yesterday around 5 o clock. I've done a good job of pushing it down where I can't feel it, until I popped. I just wanted one day away from everything. One day. Is that so FUCKING HARD!?! I wanted a good laugh, good times and just to forget everything. And they couldn't even do that could they. No they started arguing between themselves and then started on me. And I walked off. And got five minutes away before falling to pieces on a bench in the middle of town. And I was there for an hour. An hour for Christ's sake. I'm a complete train wreak. And it hurts so badly.
I didn't stop breaking down until I got home and my mom found me in bits. And she sat down and listened and that's all I wanted all day I just wanted someone to give a shit about me for a change instead of thinking about themselves constantly or everyone else. Just to focus on me for ten minutes because I actually do matter.
I don't think I've ever hurt so much in my life. I've had the worst eight months of my life and my heart ripped out more times then I can count and its not fair. What did I do? I chased after a girl with a girlfriend sure stupid. Sure shouldn't have bothered. And what happened? I got fucked over and fucked up. And she doesn't listen to me does she? Oh no. She doesn't. She won't see past anything that she believes to be correct. Apparently this situation is black, white and grey. Bullshit is it. Its black and white. You have a girlfriend. You stayed with your girlfriend and you dragged me along for 8 months and are still trying to do it. So with every respect: back off and leave me alone. Whats the grey then? I see no grey. Oh you love me is that it..... if you loved me you'd have dumped her the minute I said me or her! But no you know you can walk all over me and treat me like a fucking paid whore.
You've got your fairytale really. The girl you were with before is the girl you got back with. So fate should tell you that your perfect for each other. Cos she really gives a damn about you doesn't she. You could shag anyone tomorrow and she'd still lick your arse. And you know I won't take that. Cos I know I deserve better.
I deserve so much better then you. Your right I am far too good for you. Cos you've done nothing but treat me like crap since the day we met. And maybe this is all my fault and I started it all. Your intentions count for nothing.
I'm no saint. I've made mistakes. I've hurt you. But you've done worse. You've always had it all. And I've always had nothing but the skin on my back and this string to hold on to. This string attached to, but maybe this and maybe that and what if this and what if that. Just waiting for you to make a goddamn decision. And apparently you can't make this decision now eight months on from this all starting. So here's mine. I've let go of this string. And now I'm just simply floating away from you.
You can text me all you want about this but I'm not replying. You can try and phone me but I'm not answering. I am not yours. I don't belong to anyone and neither does my heart. This is the bubble bursting. This is the amnesia clearing. I'm not forgetting anymore. It hurts. Its your fault.
And this is the last post in this blog. Because I've had enough of baring my soul to you and getting nothing but trampled over. And I hope she knows I was in your bed Tuesday.

No more pretending. It's over.