Someday

Feel a bit... fixated. Locked on would be a good term. Just locked on to it again. Urgh. And its just screaming over and over in my head kinda like this: it was meant to be me. Why. Why all of this over and over again. Why can't you just let it go. Why can't you just let her go. Its not fair!! Why does this always happen to me! Why am I always left with nothing. Why. WHY!?!! etc. etc. etc.
I'm struggling.
I get this temporary amnesia around her and then she vanishes and all the pain comes back. All the rage. All the emotion bottled up so tight it just comes out as hostile aggression. Its not fair. How could she do this to me. How. Why. What did I do? What? I'm not a bad person really. Sure I have my flaws but I'm human right? I'm allowed to have them.
There are these people in life that aren't built to love right? Like there's people who are build to destroy everything they touch and others that are just built to succeed and out do everything. Maybe I just wasn't built to love or be loved for. Because there's this thing, this something that I can't seem to get past. Its like, I know its there, I can feel it, I know its there and the majority of it can belong to one person, I know that. I can give most of my heart away. I've done it before. Its just, there's an inch that just won't be had. Most of it is broken I know this much and there's an inch left. To be honest. Its been a never ending cycle, I'd open up, I'd let her see inside and then she'd hit me with a house brick. I was so strong, I just feel so tired and so chipped away at. I've got nothing left. I've got nothing left to give to anyone. I've barely got enough to keep me going let alone anyone else.
All of this fixing I did in the first place last year was for nothing. I filled the big empty space that had been left behind by a certain girl from Reading. I stopped being a heartless arse. I was okay. I was sound. And then she had a little bit of me, chewed it up and spat it out. And had another little bit and chewed it up and spat it out. Over and over and over. And slowly, I've got down to this last inch of beating muscle and its hardened and fortified and is refusing to budge. What have I ever done to you? You will not take everything from me. This bit is mine and you can back off if you think your ruining that too.
Or maybe I was built to love, because that last little bit of my heart is waiting for the right moment to belong to someone else. And now is not the right moment. Someday, someone isn't gonna take everything I've got, they'll give so much. And it'll be simple. And I won't be a paid whore. I will actually feel, like one sodding human being on this fucking planet really gives a damn and can't get enough of me. And it won't be me that loses. It'll be everyone else who had me and then lost be because they didn't know what they had when it was there. It'll be everyone that's ever taken me for fucking granted. Someday I'll win.