Dear Pilgrim....

Dear Pilgrim,
I'm aware I shouldn't really post anything about you on here because you hate it. I'm aware that your probably going to take this in completely the wrong light but I'm not trying to upset, provoke or cause any irritations. I'm going to try and keep the dramatics to a minimum and try and keep the metaphors out of this and just speak plainly. Because I have a problem. The problem is: there is so much building up inside of me and I'm just about ready to burst. Just before you get upset at me for writing to you like this, in full view of everyone, just listen, please. Just listen and accept and hear me.
Sometimes I feel cracked. Like the only sane person on earth when everyones telling me I'm out of my mind, I'm crazy, I'm irrational, I'm paranoid, I'm obsessive, etc. etc. etc. You know I can see things playing out, because I'm a little out of touch with reality and in all honesty I'm just very aware of every little subtle fleck in peoples body language, there speech, the things they do. I know not everythings logical, and not everything is so up and down, black and white, right and wrong. You know my problems. I'm incapable of having anyone close because I'm incapable of watching anyone go, I'm incapable with dealing with pain. I don't deal with pain, I don't deal with grief and I don't deal well with emotion.
And you are so far away now. So distant. If I was anyone else on earth I'm sure you'd be texting me a hundred times a day. If I was anyone else.... I dunno. I'm just so tired of waiting around for my slot in your life because you seem to choose when you want me and when you don't. Its like a temporary thing constantly. I'm never at ease because I constantly feel like I'm dangling upside down over a void.
I don't think your honest with me. Or your as honest as you want to be. But there's so much you don't tell me and there's so much 'I don't need to know'. So really I don't feel part of your life. Never have. Because really I'm sure part of you loves me. But there's also a lot of you that loves someone else. That wants more then what I've got. I'm inadequate really, I'm the charmer, not the one you want to take home and make a permanent part of your life. Just the girl you got with because you could.
I've got to this point before. I've thought, well felt it, felt it in my gut: Maybe it would just be better if I left you alone - because currently your bored of me, you don't really want to speak to me, you don't really want to cuddle up to me, you don't really want me anywhere near you.... so why am I here?
This would probably be the point where you'd stop me, tell me to stop being a daft and probably say: 'But wasn't it so good the other night?' or 'But don't we have so much fun together?' or something. Just cut me off in my tracks. Making me unable to say want I need to, want I so desperately want to.
Yes its true, I'm terrified of you vanishing. Its a built in phobia from the entire of my life being one big mess of friends coming and going and vanishing and backstabbing and upsetting and whispering and being malicious on purpose. Its one big mess of the people I trust the most always end up being the ones who hurt me or leave me or treat me like crap or whatever. But its not just all of this previous crap. Its because I can see you going away. I can see you slipping away from me slowly. You don't want me around when shes there and by god don't I know it, don't I feel it in every cell in my body.
Maybe I've got it all wrong again. But how many times have I just.... reached this same place with you. Its like a never ending cycle. Sure I've won the battle I'm with you, amazing. But I don't think your really with me. I don't think your crazy about me. I don't think its me who drives you wild beyond belief. Cos I don't feel you there anymore, not like you were.
Maybe you just enjoy chasing after me or who ever else it might be. Maybe you want to be with me so badly its untrue but there's just ... something you can't explain in the way something that's just not doing it for you or its to easy or its to boring.
I've said to you before that if you messed around behind my back I'd never speak to you again, those scary scary words. Either I'm seriously delusional... or I've tasted it on you... and I've smelt it on you and it really wasn't me... I don't think I could never speak to you again. Unless I left the country after smashing my phone and banning myself from all Internet usage. I don't want to know when and where and how many times. I just want to know if I'm right. Or if I'm wrong. I want to know if you really mine or you just not quite there and can't figure out how to tell me. I just want a little truth. A little honesty. Cos I feel like there's so much not said. Please. Mercy. I'm begging you for answers. Because I'm so right here and I want to know if your with me or not. And if your not put me out of my misery because it hurts too much. Just fix this please. Fix this giant crack in my head, if your not a hundred per cent for me then its not enough.
We've just got together and it should be easy now. If its this hard now then what will it be like in six months? Please I'm tired of tearing myself apart and not knowing what to do with myself.
Rescue me.... just rescue me? If you want to get angry and tell me I'm stupid and your sick of this going around and around and around go for it. But all of this really isn't going away. It won't be dealt with tomorrow or the next day or the next day. It won't be alright.
Am I right or am I not?
I'm guessing your probably going say something like: if I said you were wrong you wouldn't believe me anyway! And maybe your right. Maybe I wouldn't. But I'd try my fucking hardest to if I knew you really meant it. Maybe its just a complex. Maybe I'm making something out of nothing. But this is just how I feel. And if it wasn't said I'd still feel it, it'd still be there and I'd just get more and more wound up.
You want me to tell you things. Maybe this is a stupid way to tell you. Maybe trying to open up and pour myself all over my blog is a stupid idea. But I don't know what else to do.
Don't be with me just to make me happy.

Love.