Forever is Never

Some days the people who rescue us are never the people we expect. I usually imagine the most beautiful woman on earth sweeping me up on a horse to ride off into the sunset, and then we'd find her home was a beautiful fairy castle and we'd make mad passionate love on every surface within this castle before me lying in her arms and her telling me just how okay it was.
I slowed down somewhat, a lot really, took a good look at the situation I was in and today it finally ended. Thus ends this relationship for the last time. Nothing happened, the sky did not shatter into a million pieces and time did not freeze completely... I did not walk down the road howling in pain while my face reddened with tears, there was no thunderstorm, there was no cinematic afterward, I was not struck down by a vehicle, I did not run and have others follow. There was no music in the background, there was only blue skies and sunshine. Instead it was a 19 year old boy, out of the blue texting me asking me if I would be down the pub Thursday. A brief conversation and some concern later and he actually did exactly what I needed at that moment. I needed to know I was doing something this week, I needed to know people cared and I needed to know that someone, if I needed them, would be there even if it was just to get pissed with and cover up the wounds with a bit of old rag.
A hundred entries in this thing, with a good portion missing actually, and talk about a journey. And I'm so weary. The inevitable destination has arrived. Woopee. Someone crack out the cider. So why is it that I feel nothing? Because I already knew? Yes. Because I've spent every day since I met her morning her loss, yes. Because I've been pushed and pulled to the point where I don't know whether I'm coming or going... yes. Or just maybe, at the very end I really did just let go and do what I always do when I know the end is near: harden up, slam the door and build a new wall to keep them out. I once described myself to a therapist, saying that my defenses were like liquid and I would freeze them around people depending on the circumstances the would not move, they would not breathe in my world until I commanded it. And when it was safe for them to return to my world and they would not be trampling all over sore bits, then and only then they would be able to walk free.
Really what I was trying to say was something close to the 'you will sit on the naughty step for x amount of minutes and think about what you've done.' And in a sense it works. And I think today I slipped back into my old shell and took back to it. Mix cornflour and water in a washing up bowl.... running your fingers through it slowly finds it a liquid, easy to maneuver in, yet apply and force or pressure and it acts like a solid and any force as in punching it with your hand will be, in a sense, thrown back at you by a slab of cornflower-water. Perfect metaphor. Basic physics. Who knew.