Soft sleepy sounds

There's a lot I could rant about tonight. I could rant about gender binary, sexuality, racism, any number of things. But I'm incredibly lazy currently and have no interest in ranting about anything, shock horror, I know, be astounded.
I feel an incredible release, I think starting this blog is exactly what I've needed, somewhere to put everything in some form of order. Its nice to have an inch of space to organize things. So much calmer then I was, less chaos and sure I'm still erratic but that's just how I work. My dad said something tonight which took me a little by surprise, more so because it came from my dad then anyone else: You can't catch depression, its part of your genetic make up. I agree, its a part of who you are, but its just a part of who you are you haven't learnt how to deal with. I'm no expert, lets face it my downs out weigh my ups and I could rave all day about this and that and the other but currently I'm so calm and - for lack of a better word - divine, everything is actually alright. This moment in time, I'm sitting in my pyjamas, ignoring people on msn, comfy as hell and nothing short of a hurricane could ruin my mood.
I blame this blog entirely for my mood, I've unloaded a lot into words and its been a long long time since I've felt this calm, this safe in my own skin. I know where I am. I am here and its just fine. Its strange, I forget sometimes just how delicate my little world is and just how much one simple thing can alter it. And I guess here there's no one to interrupt. There's just endless mute voices to listen. I've needed that more then anything.
There's a difference between sitting down with someone and them listening to what you say and sitting down with someone and knowing they really feel what you say. The last six months I've felt so lost, in relation to nothing but myself and I've tried to keep together and find out whats wrong and pick myself up when I'm on the floor and get up every day, knowing that if I didn't make myself I'd never get up. I've wished so hard to find some peace within myself, just within myself not from the euphoria of being a million miles away from anything or from lying in someone else's arms. I've waited for everything to shift and for me to find where I was.
There's a giant weight lifted from my shoulders and I think I've waited long enough to fly again. Tomorrow I'm finding my way back to where I really belong. I am nothing without words. I am nothing with ink stained on my fingers. I am nothing without freedom. I am nothing when I'm not true to myself.
I'm well and truly free and all I feel tonight is infinite peace.

'The pages are still blank, but there is a miraculous feeling of the words being there, written in invisible ink and clamoring to become visible.' - Vladimir Nabokov