Fundamentals

Today there's not much to say. Well there is, there's masses to say. My only comfort today has been porridge and a cup of tea. Oh and there's this one song which has been haunting my day. 'Please please please let me get what I want' - Clayhill.
The day is dragging today, I've got a new favourite film, 'This is England'. I'm not sure why. And for the life of me I couldn't decide what to wear today. Currently its my Punisher tshirt, ripped jeans and converse. And I'm doing my hair as we speak. Or as I write.
My ability to sleep is astounding me at the moment. Its a constant thing. This morning I woke up at eleven, and fell back to sleep until two, whilst having a very pleasant dream. Maybe I did go to bed at two this morning, but lately I'm extremely tired. Its a nice feeling after god knows how long not sleeping properly.
Today I'm actually straightening my hair properly. And something occurs to me while I do this, as it usually does. I haven't bluntly said any basics of myself.
Well, alright, here goes, I'm 19 and I'm a dyke. Writing is my sanity and I have a habit of choosing the wrong women. I make decisions about myself, like last night after sitting in the pub with a close friend I decided I have manic depression.
I'm one of these people that are so terribly fragile, but at the same time when I want/need to be I'm stronger then any tide. I can be an emotional wreak, lovesick and lost on a boat somewhere in an ocean, but if I decide I want to see the shore I'll jump in that ocean and I'll swim until I find it. Sure I can be weak, but a lot of me is juxtaposed. Its all very, snap snap snap decisions. All very fight for survival. All very altering myself to keep myself sane. Which is why I think I could never be on any medication for myself. Because there is a point, there's always a point, where I think no, that's it you need to fight. I'm very good at putting myself in positions when I'm backed into a corner.
Someone said to me the other day: Any tips on dealing with pain, cos I'm getting a tattoo soon and am brickin' it. Well, she didn't exactly say that, but if she would've if she had decent grammar. My answer was: Just accept the pain, don't fight it, relax. This is why I think there's always a point, because I'll take it and take it and take it until I've really had enough and start fighting back. I'll lie on the floor hung, drawn and quartered until everything in myself, my instinct, my gut, my reason it all screams: ENOUGH!
My therapist told me I was so unique in the way I deal with things. But she didn't know the full story. I could talk for hours and hours about a lot of things about loss and abandonment, about betrayal and the need to escape. But fundamentally I think it all comes down to this, there is a point where I get a low as I can, so low I'm hanging over the edge clinging on by my finger tips and for some reason I'll always drag myself back up. That reason is always along the lines of: I don't deserve to feel this way, I've done nothing to nobody.
Maybe that's the problem with being an only child, you learn everything you do has to be on your own back, you fall down scrape your knee and there is no one to pick you back up but yourself. So you get back up and toddle on.
There's not much to say today. Just metaphors and theories. I'll say nothing else about myself fundamentally, that's all you need to know for now. I am a person, I come from somewhere, I do things, I'm 19, I have infinite strength but am a train wreak and I write. Oh and if you were paying attention, I'm an only child and was in therapy.
What's the plan for today? Don't know I still haven't found it.

Good times for a change
See, the luck Ive had
Can make a good man
Turn bad

So please please please
Let me, let me, let me
Let me get what I want
This time

Havent had a dream in a long time
See, the life Ive had
Can make a good man bad

So for once in my life
Let me get what I want
Lord knows, it would be the first time
Lord knows, it would be the first time
- Clayhill 'Please please please let me get what I want'
(Just to show you what I mean about haunting)

PS. Skin divers are fine, still a little bruised.