If you want peace. Prepare for war.

'Congratulations,' I tell myself 'Your officially a dick-ed again.' I'm kind of ill. I've got this horrible chesty crap in my throat. From being run down, not sleeping and I'm assuming that I've also made myself ill from thinking too much. I got in a two this morning, slept for twelve hours and found my duvet twisted when I woke up. And yesterday, I got stood up for the third time by the same girl. Strike three, your out. I've cut her enough slack I think.
So its valentines day, I've had several people text me saying 'happy valentines day' balh balh balh. Fuck off. Really. Its not happy valentines day. Maybe your enjoying yourself but I'm not. Its just another malicious jibe at everyone single by everyone in a relationship or with someone to fuck. Just some more salt to rub in the wound, which isn't healing well by the way, its infected and bleeding most of the time. It hurts.
I've made myself some more drama. Pulling twice last night. Fuck. Really. Why do I do this to myself? I know I'm no good to anyone right now. I know nobody can pick me back up and put me back together and I know this is just going to hurt more then its worth. I hate hurting people and I've played this game and lost. So why the hell am I getting back into it? - Answer: Because a little human contact is all I want, I want to feel wanted, I want to be everything one person needs, another body part they can't live without, just don't want to be alone. Honestly the side of me trapped in old habits just wants to rip through several women, use them up and ruin them for all eternity.

[*EDIT*]
^^^ Unfortunately that part isn't for anyone to see.

So, there's a few little things to change. And I think, stopping drinking completely, is a good idea. I've admitted I'm really not alright to a lot of people. I've admitted that last Tuesday if I'd been on my own I'd have done something stupid. So. What are we going to do to fix this? From tonight onwards, no more drink. From tonight onwards, if you come too close I am bombing you out the water because I'm tired of pain and apparently a good offense is the best defense. From tonight onwards I'm writing more and worrying less and stopping this whole being there for other people thing. Why the hell do I have to be there when no ones there for me. Tonight I'm doing whats right for me. Tonight I'm being good to myself because no one else is. Tonight I'm rescuing myself, because I've waited far too long, I've begged for too long, I've wished too hard, and still there is no one. Still I'm shooting blanks. Still I'm in pieces. No I'm not as strong as I was last year. Because I'm worn down. Slowly chipped away into a pile of gravel.
Tonight we're starting reconstruction. Because its a job I've put off for too long. I'm daring myself to be alright. I'm daring myself to really get back up and not just charge bullheaded at something because I'm angry.
I will get my thunder back. I will be alright. And anything that has ever happened in my life is water under the bridge. And I'm waving it goodbye. Because I deserve better. I'm raising the bar tonight.
I refuse to feel this way any longer.