Tears and a rant

Tonight I get in, to PS I love you. Because there's nothing much else I fancy watching. Whats on my mind right at this moment: Half way across the country tonight. In a bed with someone else. Most presumably.
Am I paranoid because I can never seem to get past this little issue? Or is it just not right? It makes me sad and makes me feel crazy because I don't know... my opinions don't count for much evidently. That and she won't see her actions have reactions and consequences and effect people, she lives in a bubble all blissful and 'lalala if I can't see it its not happening'. I'd like a little reassurance something more solid then liquid. I'd like all these words passed between us to actually come to something. The plans we say we'll do to happen. I don't want to be disappointed at every turn. I've had enough, I'm human, not made of steel. I don't want to be paranoid and upset and hurting and crying randomly. I don't want to be full of grief and chaos. I like this little calm peaceful place I'm in now. Just let go off stuff and floating around with no worries. I'm being good at this I'm not involved complex I'm just okay. Okay okay okay okay okay. Let go of it all. Don't care, she can do what she wants.
I've got this tiny little fortress around myself currently. Big walls, spikes, guys with machine guns on the walls, thick armour bullet proof glass. All of this mush. Sure there are machete's and little men running around with spears. Put myself in a safe place. I was thinking today.... some people just want to be loved. I don't. I want to be loved, but I want all the trimmings as well.

• I want a girl who'll call me up randomly and say something like: "I was thinking of you, lets go out/have a night in/have some us time."
  
• I want a girl who'll get me over hers just to fall asleep on me.
  
• I want a girl who knows my shit, respects it, understands it, attempts to avoid making it worse, avoid tripping over the mr hyde trigger. A girl who knows that sometimes I don't want to talk about it I just want to a cuddle to forget it.
  
• I want a girl who puts me first, because I put her first in every situation. And a girl who meets me half way.
  
• Who isn't part time. Who keeps her promises and her word and doesn't bend the truth or just not tell me things. Who doesn't leave me hanging all day just to tell me she'll be out in an hour.
• I'd like to be the one taken home, instead of the one strung along by her ankles for six miles to no real destination.
  

Sometimes I'm just so sick and tired. I'm so full of everything and it just builds up and up and up and then there it goes, splurge. Small volcano. I'm tired of being torn in half. What do they want really? What do women want? What? They want us to ask they don't want us to ask, they want us around they don't want us around, they want us to take there shit they don't want us to take there shit, they want us to be there they don't want us to be there. What is it? What do you people want? There is nothing I could possibly do right.
I just want.... want.... want..... need... I don't want to be loved. Love is nothing when it comes right down to it. I want to be completed. I want that body part I'm missing. I need to be someones number one. I'm tired of being the loser. I want a 'PS I love you' kind of love: I want life to change as I know it for the good. I need it to. I want to be part of a unit and know that nothing could come between us. I'm tired of feeling everyone is so half hearted when it comes to me. I'm tired of wanting substance. I want it to be there sooo there I can't run from it. I need it to be there. I need to be held. I'm tired of walking into rooms full of people and feeling so.... alone. I'm tired of locking it all away where no one can see. I want to be fought for, fought for so hard that I can't possibly resist. I'm tired of fighting, I've got no fight left in me I just really want to be wanted. Really and truly want to be needed. So completely that life doesn't make sense otherwise. I want to have all of those magical moments, kissing in the rain and the snow and going out for a quick drink just to go home and fall asleep in front of the fire. What's so hard about that....? I'm right here. Right here. All you have to do is fight the dragon and charge in. Fight for me! Pester!! Pay me a little undivided attention!!?! I'm still female!? I know I'm emotionally shite and just kinda shut down and vanish on you but I'm here?!! Go the distance go on I dare you. I bloody dare you to fight for me.
I'm so tired. Overtired. I'm hurting and I'm emotional and there's this downfall to this little fortress I've got around myself. Doesn't stop it hurting. Just stops people seeing it.