Neverland

No more happy thoughts. Lost... lost.
Currently I'm watching Hook. One of my favourite films in the world. I had my hair cut today, its all pixie.
Flick a coin, heads or tails. Yeah. So today I had a scary day. My tutor sat me down at college, just me and her and said very bluntly: "So whats going on with you? Whats wrong?" Whenever anyone asks me this, I sit gaping like a fish. I want to tell, yes, but the words don't come out. And then I find out my lecturers are worried, I'm the subject of discussion and my tutor tells me quite plainly that she's had to tell them not to push, not to probe and just to leave me be and let me deal with myself on my own. So what's worse? People talking about me or them knowing theres somethings wrong?
When I tell my friend I fall to pieces on her, all wobbily like. What does logic say. Logic says: SHIT GET OUT YOU FOOL WHILE YOU'VE STILL GOT LEGS TO RUN! - this is why life is so hard. It expects you to defy all logic and do crazy thing.
Fefe Beans - my friend - is rather amazing, shes told me somedays shes watched me go home and wondered: Is she going to be alright? Is she going to do something stupid when she gets home? How morbid. Because Fefe Beans knows it all, inside and out. She's the person I fell apart on the other week and oddly enough shes the person that all my mush goes through. She says I need to be strong, she says I can't give up. Etc etc etc.
But yes, bottom line: problems. Big problems. It college have gathered I'm not happy then the world pretty much has and the world has seen through the pretend and the game is broken. Maybe I need to go back to therapy. Well lets not maybe. I need something. Something! Because its pretty clear the way I'm going isn't working.
My tutor said to me today: One day I will probably end up in the corner crazy because all those systems of dealing with things will just go SPLURG because I won't be able to take anymore and currently I can see you just going SPLURG. How did she know? Really? How did she know that I've just had enough? Am I really that easy to read? No I really can't take anymore and just want to crawl into bed and never move again.
I need a happy thought. Just one. Please. Just one simple pure happy thought. One that isn't surounded by a big game or isn't surrounded by a web of mush that drives me insane. Please? Just one happy thought, one happy thought, just one.....? I've got nothing really. Help?