I've been walking in the same way as I did

I saw a shooting star last night, or I was hallucinating, or I having a nice delusion of some kind, or it was just some crap in the corner of my eye. But what ever it was. It came at the perfect moment. All the pieces fell into place into a funny kind of sense. Dreams last as long as both are dreaming. And I think she stopped dreaming a while ago.
So whats happened then? Well. My last post was me telling you I may be out of action. Because well - how do I put this without sounding like a complete fruitcake - I cut my fingertips up, that'll do blunt as anything. And I cut my leg up as well, and not just once or twice. I carved fate into my leg under a nice arrangement of scratches crisscrossing.
Why? What is the reasoning behind this? Peter Pan fell out of the sky because hanging on to anything became impossible. I was told where to go and that was it. I gave up.
This rope I've been hanging on to for months was greased up anyway but what am I supposed to do? History repeated itself and she knew my shit, she knew my problem, she knew she knew she knew!?! SHE GODDAMNFUCKINGKNEW AND DID IT ANYWAY!!? And I knew it was happening because I could see it! I could feel it in my goddamn gut and wanted to puke for days and it wasn't that sick sick feeling it was that emotional sick feeling because I knew it was happening. Knew it knew it knew it knew it knew it. I'm not crazy. Its just the way the entire world makes me feel. Honesty is bullshit. Who is really honest in this world. I'm so angry. The minute I'm honest someone tells me I'm being FUCKING unreasonable!?!
I tell her how I feel, oh yes, because I see her last night at the pub and I can't bare to look her in the face. 'So what are you going to do next' I say. Kill me. Heat pins and stick them in my arm. Torture? Desecration? Really. What the fucks next. All night I sat staring at the floor and yeah, it just seethed and I couldn't say what as on my mind because she didn't ask. She didn't give a damn. Didn't give a damn anyone on this fucking planet would fight for the person they want the most, so if i really was that person, she'd fucking fight for me. But she won't will she. Cos I'm clearly not enough and I'm clearly not that person. I think she made her choice, with bite marks up her neck and that look on her face.
Give me one reason to stay and I'll turn right back around. Because I don't wanna leave you lonely but you gotta make me change my mind.
What is this life really? Is it a series of reactions and moments? Is there some kid sitting on an ant hill with a magnifying glass, and naturally me being the ant, is having a truck load of fun burning my feelers of and watching me squirm?!
Am I wrong? Probably. I'm always fucking wrong. But I've got no reason at all to think otherwise. Think I've given out enough fucking chances and all I wanted to do was love her. Really what can I do? Somebody please, this is a calling into the universe WHAT CAN I FUCKING DO?! What possibly can I do? What is there left even!? Other then completely ripping out everything in my personality and fixing all the cracks what can I do? Yeah... you've got it right... nothing. Because anything I tried to do would be contradicted by a million other factors and once more history will repeat itself. And I'll just end up with my heart ripped out again and again and again. This isn't defeat. This is the white flag. Its fine really I'll go down with my ship, I'll leave you alone and never look back. I'll just go. Make it easier for everyone.
Yeah I'm a dick. We get it. And blatantly I'm natures fool. Someone printed mug on my forehead in letters I can't read. Which I why I always get kicked around the street like a can.
But that's fine. Really. Do what you want, completely disregard me because I'm obsolete, clearly. I am going to leave this place. Regardless of who's here or not. I will leave and I won't come back for a long time. And I will make it happen.