Soul Searching

Right, its time to get serious and be very honest. I am not well. I told an old friend my hunch, told her how it made sense to me etc. And she said: To be honest I knew this three years ago. :| yeah. There's a kick in the none existent nuts. Am I surprised she could diagnose me? No because shes bipolar. But I am surprised she knew long ago when I was still oblivious.
I reached the point where I couldn't push it down any longer. So it just came back up, kinda like vomit and yes it was worse then it was beforehand.
I had the best week of my life in half term. Purely because I existed as a singular being and wasn't dealing with anyone else's drama or lives. I'm not good with emotion. It frightens me beyond belief. I hate crying in front of people because I hate being vulnerable in front of anyone. I'm really not good with people. I've admitted its all quite damaged in myself. But that's just the way I'm built. I need to learn how to stop shutting down and deal with it all. Because I can't keep walking around numb.
Everything is always so amplified. Every little tiny thing is blasted out of proportion with me. It's like. Imagine someone turning the volume up on life and its not sound you hear, its everything else your not supposed to hear. Then imagine your so sensitive to it you can't stand it and build a glass box around yourself to try and filter out the noise. Then your kind of on the right track.
Last night: You don't have to fight alone, ya know? We've both got the scars to prove that doesn't work. Okay. I'm going to be honest to try to minimize the white noise. And I'm going to talk and I'm really going to stop this hidden in a glass box business. There are big issues to deal with. I need to understand myself. Ask the right questions. And hear the answers. Just time for a bit of soul searching now.