Okay, so where was I when we last spoke? Something about something I'm imaginining. But you know 'that girl' I'm always raving about in a non descript subtle way that makes no real sense? Well, some would call it progress, others - I dont even know what I'm hungover right now so my vocabulary isn't exactly paramount. Well. She split up with her girlfriend. These words are enough to make me excited. Purely because the hurdle I've been trying to get over for so long is suddently vanished. But. Yes. There's always a but. I'm being made to wait on a bed of nails. Terrified in this limbo once more. Here's my problem lately - lately? rather constantly: I'm extremely paranoid, I'm extremely irrational and I have no belief in myself whatsoever. So small things I read completely differently.
Like this constant texting business, like really, texting her constantly every day since you broke up surely should be something like false hope to the person you've just broken up with but some people are like this. Maybe its a sense of responsibilty to be there for the person you've just hurt, I'm not sure. But really, I can't help this, this is what it translates to in my head and this is purely irrational and paranoid and really has no real basis: I see myself in the pub, walking towards the table and find her and her ex all over each other and pick up my stuff and say I'm going over the park for a smoke. Then I run and run and run and don't look back. Or there's the other one: I'm in the pub and I'm told bluntly and outright that there back together. I dunno, I need to get both of these out of my head because really its not healthy. Its just winding me up.
I just don't want a repeat preformance of whats already happened, I'm feel very out of my comfort zone and would like a little bit of reasurance. And of course being me, I'm very good at convincing myself things are going to happen, being a bit of a nutter.
I need to be cool, I need to relax and just wait. Just wait I'm not allowed to trip now not after I've waited and somewhat fought for this for so long. Just wait. I think a lot of it is just all of this mush in my head. Its okay to be terrified.
So today my life looks a bit like this: There is an epidemic of plague in my house. Apparently my parents have been up all night with a sick bug even the dogs been sick. So I've banished both of them to bed in the hope that tomorrow will be a slightly better day to celebrate my moms birthday.
Oh and my jigsaw pieces came today, ordered from ebay. I am chuffed. :D
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