The healing powers of slipknot.
Tuesday, 31 March 2009
Monday, 30 March 2009
Issues
My fingers are covered in ink, I can still taste my last cigarette and I'm sitting in my flares, with my dads jumper on. Troy is on my telly, my dog is asleep on the floor and both of my knees are aching like there is an iron grip around both of them. I am tired. So tired.
Where did it all go? One of those questions. How did I get here? I've gotten to that place where questions are left unanswered because I don't want to talk anymore. I don't want the answers. So instead I'm sitting in front of the tv. Far far away in my head. I was the same at college, further away actually because I was surrounded by people. I woke up so angry. So angry I was shaking, screaming angrily in my head at various faces, my heart beat was loud in my head, all fire and brimstone before plunging straight down. Last night when I walked into the house I found myself looking at scottish mist. Fabulous. Hallucinating again. Today is a very manic day.
So now I'm all comfort and waiting on comfort food. I won't say anything else on any other matter.
Where did it all go? One of those questions. How did I get here? I've gotten to that place where questions are left unanswered because I don't want to talk anymore. I don't want the answers. So instead I'm sitting in front of the tv. Far far away in my head. I was the same at college, further away actually because I was surrounded by people. I woke up so angry. So angry I was shaking, screaming angrily in my head at various faces, my heart beat was loud in my head, all fire and brimstone before plunging straight down. Last night when I walked into the house I found myself looking at scottish mist. Fabulous. Hallucinating again. Today is a very manic day.
So now I'm all comfort and waiting on comfort food. I won't say anything else on any other matter.
Sunday, 29 March 2009
Between the Lines
Time to tell me the truth
To burden your mouth for what you say
No pieces of paper in the way
Cause I can't continue pretending to choose
The opposite sides on which we fall
The loving you laters if at all
No right minds could wrong me this many times
My memory is cruel
Im queen of attention to details
Defending intentions if he fails
Until now, he told me her name
It sounded familiar in a way
I could have sworn i'd heard him say it ten thousand times
If only i had been listening
Leave unsaid unspoken
Eyes wide shut unopened
You and me
Always between the lines
Between the lines
I thought i thought i was ready to bleed
That we'd move from the shadows on the wall
And stand in the center of it all
Too late two choices to stay or to leave
Mine was so easy to uncover
He'd already left with the other
So i've learned to listen through silence
Leave unsaid unspoken
Eyes wide shut unopened
You and me be
You and me always be
I tell myself all the words he surely meant to say
I'll talk until the conversation doesn't stay on
Wait for me i'm almost ready
When he meant let go
Leave unsaid unspoken
Eyes wide shut unopened
You and me
Always be
You and me
Always between the lines
- Sara Bareilles: Between the Lines. Album: Little Voice.
I don't need to say anything else.
To burden your mouth for what you say
No pieces of paper in the way
Cause I can't continue pretending to choose
The opposite sides on which we fall
The loving you laters if at all
No right minds could wrong me this many times
My memory is cruel
Im queen of attention to details
Defending intentions if he fails
Until now, he told me her name
It sounded familiar in a way
I could have sworn i'd heard him say it ten thousand times
If only i had been listening
Leave unsaid unspoken
Eyes wide shut unopened
You and me
Always between the lines
Between the lines
I thought i thought i was ready to bleed
That we'd move from the shadows on the wall
And stand in the center of it all
Too late two choices to stay or to leave
Mine was so easy to uncover
He'd already left with the other
So i've learned to listen through silence
Leave unsaid unspoken
Eyes wide shut unopened
You and me be
You and me always be
I tell myself all the words he surely meant to say
I'll talk until the conversation doesn't stay on
Wait for me i'm almost ready
When he meant let go
Leave unsaid unspoken
Eyes wide shut unopened
You and me
Always be
You and me
Always between the lines
- Sara Bareilles: Between the Lines. Album: Little Voice.
I don't need to say anything else.
Head underwater and you tell me to breathe easy for a while
I've done some serious concertina playing the last few days, and as a result, my arms are tired, wrist to shoulder, and my fingers aren't that better off either.
Horoscope today:
Your analytical skills are adequate for any research you're doing right now in your working life, but when it comes to figuring stuff out in your love life, you can't use logic. Facts are nonexistent -- you only have your gut to go on when it comes to emotions. People are too complicated to be figured out objectively, plus they are known to change their mind! If you want to unravel your feelings about someone, just let yourself feel what you feel. Don't try to tell yourself how to feel.
Horoscope today:
Your analytical skills are adequate for any research you're doing right now in your working life, but when it comes to figuring stuff out in your love life, you can't use logic. Facts are nonexistent -- you only have your gut to go on when it comes to emotions. People are too complicated to be figured out objectively, plus they are known to change their mind! If you want to unravel your feelings about someone, just let yourself feel what you feel. Don't try to tell yourself how to feel.
The key words being 'Don't try to tell yourself how to feel.' Okay. Will do cap'ain. The new song of the moment is: Love song by Sara Bareilles.
Head under water
And you tell me to breathe easy for a while
The breathing gets harder, even I know that
Made room for me but it's too soon to see
If I'm happy in your hands
I'm unusually hard to hold on to
Blank stares at blank pages
No easy way to say this
You mean well, but you make this hard on me
I'm not gonna write you a love song
'cause you asked for it
'cause you need one, you see
I'm not gonna write you a love song
'cause you tell me it's
Make or break in this
If you're on your way
I'm not gonna write you to stay
If all you have is leaving I'm gonna need a better
Reason to write you a love song today
I learned the hard way
That they all say things you want to hear
And my heavy heart sinks deep down under you and
Your twisted words,
Your help just hurts
You are not what I thought you were
Hello to high and dry
Convinced me to please you
Made me think that I need this too
I'm trying to let you hear me as I am
I'm not gonna write you a love song
'cause you asked for it
'cause you need one, you see
I'm not gonna write you a love song
'cause you tell me it's
Make or break in this
If you're on your way
I'm not gonna write you to stay
If all you have is leaving I'm gonna need a better
Reason to write you a love song today
Promise me that you'll leave the light on
To help me see with daylight, my guide, gone
'cause I believe there's a way you can love me
Because I say
I won't write you a love song
'cause you asked for it
'cause you need one, you see
I'm not gonna write you a love song
'cause you tell me it's make or break in this
Is that why you wanted a love song
'cause you asked for it
'cause you need one, you see
I'm not gonna write you a love song
'cause you tell me it's make or break in this
If you're on your way
I'm not gonna write you to stay
If your heart is nowhere in it
I don't want it for a minute
Babe, I'll walk the seven seas when I believe that
There's a reason to
Write you a love song today
Because posting crap is what we're good at. Typically, I am still the Schmuck.
Head under water
And you tell me to breathe easy for a while
The breathing gets harder, even I know that
Made room for me but it's too soon to see
If I'm happy in your hands
I'm unusually hard to hold on to
Blank stares at blank pages
No easy way to say this
You mean well, but you make this hard on me
I'm not gonna write you a love song
'cause you asked for it
'cause you need one, you see
I'm not gonna write you a love song
'cause you tell me it's
Make or break in this
If you're on your way
I'm not gonna write you to stay
If all you have is leaving I'm gonna need a better
Reason to write you a love song today
I learned the hard way
That they all say things you want to hear
And my heavy heart sinks deep down under you and
Your twisted words,
Your help just hurts
You are not what I thought you were
Hello to high and dry
Convinced me to please you
Made me think that I need this too
I'm trying to let you hear me as I am
I'm not gonna write you a love song
'cause you asked for it
'cause you need one, you see
I'm not gonna write you a love song
'cause you tell me it's
Make or break in this
If you're on your way
I'm not gonna write you to stay
If all you have is leaving I'm gonna need a better
Reason to write you a love song today
Promise me that you'll leave the light on
To help me see with daylight, my guide, gone
'cause I believe there's a way you can love me
Because I say
I won't write you a love song
'cause you asked for it
'cause you need one, you see
I'm not gonna write you a love song
'cause you tell me it's make or break in this
Is that why you wanted a love song
'cause you asked for it
'cause you need one, you see
I'm not gonna write you a love song
'cause you tell me it's make or break in this
If you're on your way
I'm not gonna write you to stay
If your heart is nowhere in it
I don't want it for a minute
Babe, I'll walk the seven seas when I believe that
There's a reason to
Write you a love song today
Because posting crap is what we're good at. Typically, I am still the Schmuck.
Saturday, 28 March 2009
Squeaky
Today i feel rather elevated, despite the recent events of the past three/four/five days. My dad is slightly amazing sometimes. It was last year, I forget exactly when, me and dad were in the car talking about instruments we'd like to learn. And I mentioned I'd love to learn how to play the squeezebox, anglo concertina. My birthday came and with it so did an anglo concertina, fondly called Squeaky for obvious reasons.
Squeaky and I became thick as thieves very quickly, I loved her, I still love her, I can't help it. She's nothing special, 20 button, 10 button either side with an extra button to release air out of the bellows. She's not that attractive either, she looks more like a toy then anything. Green and red with yellow paper bellows with little flowers painted on. There's metal clasps at every corner, and the two ends are wood work, nothing fancy, just hexagonal and bolted. The straps are red and the buttons are white, in case you were wondering. Plain in comparison to most concertinas. But shes wonderful. And I adore her.
I started off on the absolute beginners guide to the anglo concertina written by Mick Bramich. I can play a few tunes from it, but mostly got bored because there's so little in there, few Christmas carols, 'sweet jenny jones' and a very small simplified version of the 'wild rover'. And really that's all I've had interest in. But my dad, the amazing man picked up a new book for me today, In-between anglo by the same author.
I had a book for Christmas, but being unable to read music it just wasn't happening. But I will learn, eventually. So after hitting a bit of a wall I've got some new material, that further on goes into a more complicated thirty button machine and gives you tips on how to read music. Huzzah!!! Joyous day.
So, me and Sqeaky are enjoying this new development in music. No I've never been musically talented, for the better part I'm dyslexic, have trouble with numbers and never really managed to understand music. The love story between me and Squeaky was and still is bizarre. I picked her up and within three hours knew where all the buttons were and picked up a fair bit. It was magic.
And no, an anglo concertina isn't easy to play, it requires hours of practise. But I love it, and now also want a melodeon similar concept, bellows, buttons, slightly larger, more buttons, looks more like an accordion.
First love: Words. Second Love: Squeaky.
Without a doubt.
Squeaky and I became thick as thieves very quickly, I loved her, I still love her, I can't help it. She's nothing special, 20 button, 10 button either side with an extra button to release air out of the bellows. She's not that attractive either, she looks more like a toy then anything. Green and red with yellow paper bellows with little flowers painted on. There's metal clasps at every corner, and the two ends are wood work, nothing fancy, just hexagonal and bolted. The straps are red and the buttons are white, in case you were wondering. Plain in comparison to most concertinas. But shes wonderful. And I adore her.
I started off on the absolute beginners guide to the anglo concertina written by Mick Bramich. I can play a few tunes from it, but mostly got bored because there's so little in there, few Christmas carols, 'sweet jenny jones' and a very small simplified version of the 'wild rover'. And really that's all I've had interest in. But my dad, the amazing man picked up a new book for me today, In-between anglo by the same author.
I had a book for Christmas, but being unable to read music it just wasn't happening. But I will learn, eventually. So after hitting a bit of a wall I've got some new material, that further on goes into a more complicated thirty button machine and gives you tips on how to read music. Huzzah!!! Joyous day.
So, me and Sqeaky are enjoying this new development in music. No I've never been musically talented, for the better part I'm dyslexic, have trouble with numbers and never really managed to understand music. The love story between me and Squeaky was and still is bizarre. I picked her up and within three hours knew where all the buttons were and picked up a fair bit. It was magic.
And no, an anglo concertina isn't easy to play, it requires hours of practise. But I love it, and now also want a melodeon similar concept, bellows, buttons, slightly larger, more buttons, looks more like an accordion.
First love: Words. Second Love: Squeaky.
Without a doubt.
Friday, 27 March 2009
Friday
Todays horoscope:
It is always fun to reminisce with other people about your shared pasts, but today the mists of your memories will do nothing but cloud your vision. Right now, you need total clarity to make some important decisions. Try to live in the present today -- face forward and keep thinking about the next adventure. Dwelling on your past failures or successes is nothing but a waste of time. Turn away from your memories and toward future opportunities.Translation: Look forward not backward. Keep rolling.
I'm still exhusted. I had such a vile night's sleep. Urgh. I need rocket fuel... nutella on toast thank you please. :(
Thursday, 26 March 2009
Tears and a rant
Tonight I get in, to PS I love you. Because there's nothing much else I fancy watching. Whats on my mind right at this moment: Half way across the country tonight. In a bed with someone else. Most presumably.
Am I paranoid because I can never seem to get past this little issue? Or is it just not right? It makes me sad and makes me feel crazy because I don't know... my opinions don't count for much evidently. That and she won't see her actions have reactions and consequences and effect people, she lives in a bubble all blissful and 'lalala if I can't see it its not happening'. I'd like a little reassurance something more solid then liquid. I'd like all these words passed between us to actually come to something. The plans we say we'll do to happen. I don't want to be disappointed at every turn. I've had enough, I'm human, not made of steel. I don't want to be paranoid and upset and hurting and crying randomly. I don't want to be full of grief and chaos. I like this little calm peaceful place I'm in now. Just let go off stuff and floating around with no worries. I'm being good at this I'm not involved complex I'm just okay. Okay okay okay okay okay. Let go of it all. Don't care, she can do what she wants.
I've got this tiny little fortress around myself currently. Big walls, spikes, guys with machine guns on the walls, thick armour bullet proof glass. All of this mush. Sure there are machete's and little men running around with spears. Put myself in a safe place. I was thinking today.... some people just want to be loved. I don't. I want to be loved, but I want all the trimmings as well.
I just want.... want.... want..... need... I don't want to be loved. Love is nothing when it comes right down to it. I want to be completed. I want that body part I'm missing. I need to be someones number one. I'm tired of being the loser. I want a 'PS I love you' kind of love: I want life to change as I know it for the good. I need it to. I want to be part of a unit and know that nothing could come between us. I'm tired of feeling everyone is so half hearted when it comes to me. I'm tired of wanting substance. I want it to be there sooo there I can't run from it. I need it to be there. I need to be held. I'm tired of walking into rooms full of people and feeling so.... alone. I'm tired of locking it all away where no one can see. I want to be fought for, fought for so hard that I can't possibly resist. I'm tired of fighting, I've got no fight left in me I just really want to be wanted. Really and truly want to be needed. So completely that life doesn't make sense otherwise. I want to have all of those magical moments, kissing in the rain and the snow and going out for a quick drink just to go home and fall asleep in front of the fire. What's so hard about that....? I'm right here. Right here. All you have to do is fight the dragon and charge in. Fight for me! Pester!! Pay me a little undivided attention!!?! I'm still female!? I know I'm emotionally shite and just kinda shut down and vanish on you but I'm here?!! Go the distance go on I dare you. I bloody dare you to fight for me.
I'm so tired. Overtired. I'm hurting and I'm emotional and there's this downfall to this little fortress I've got around myself. Doesn't stop it hurting. Just stops people seeing it.
Am I paranoid because I can never seem to get past this little issue? Or is it just not right? It makes me sad and makes me feel crazy because I don't know... my opinions don't count for much evidently. That and she won't see her actions have reactions and consequences and effect people, she lives in a bubble all blissful and 'lalala if I can't see it its not happening'. I'd like a little reassurance something more solid then liquid. I'd like all these words passed between us to actually come to something. The plans we say we'll do to happen. I don't want to be disappointed at every turn. I've had enough, I'm human, not made of steel. I don't want to be paranoid and upset and hurting and crying randomly. I don't want to be full of grief and chaos. I like this little calm peaceful place I'm in now. Just let go off stuff and floating around with no worries. I'm being good at this I'm not involved complex I'm just okay. Okay okay okay okay okay. Let go of it all. Don't care, she can do what she wants.
I've got this tiny little fortress around myself currently. Big walls, spikes, guys with machine guns on the walls, thick armour bullet proof glass. All of this mush. Sure there are machete's and little men running around with spears. Put myself in a safe place. I was thinking today.... some people just want to be loved. I don't. I want to be loved, but I want all the trimmings as well.
- I want a girl who'll call me up randomly and say something like: "I was thinking of you, lets go out/have a night in/have some us time."
- I want a girl who'll get me over hers just to fall asleep on me.
- I want a girl who knows my shit, respects it, understands it, attempts to avoid making it worse, avoid tripping over the mr hyde trigger. A girl who knows that sometimes I don't want to talk about it I just want to a cuddle to forget it.
- I want a girl who puts me first, because I put her first in every situation. And a girl who meets me half way.
- Who isn't part time. Who keeps her promises and her word and doesn't bend the truth or just not tell me things. Who doesn't leave me hanging all day just to tell me she'll be out in an hour.
- I'd like to be the one taken home, instead of the one strung along by her ankles for six miles to no real destination.
I just want.... want.... want..... need... I don't want to be loved. Love is nothing when it comes right down to it. I want to be completed. I want that body part I'm missing. I need to be someones number one. I'm tired of being the loser. I want a 'PS I love you' kind of love: I want life to change as I know it for the good. I need it to. I want to be part of a unit and know that nothing could come between us. I'm tired of feeling everyone is so half hearted when it comes to me. I'm tired of wanting substance. I want it to be there sooo there I can't run from it. I need it to be there. I need to be held. I'm tired of walking into rooms full of people and feeling so.... alone. I'm tired of locking it all away where no one can see. I want to be fought for, fought for so hard that I can't possibly resist. I'm tired of fighting, I've got no fight left in me I just really want to be wanted. Really and truly want to be needed. So completely that life doesn't make sense otherwise. I want to have all of those magical moments, kissing in the rain and the snow and going out for a quick drink just to go home and fall asleep in front of the fire. What's so hard about that....? I'm right here. Right here. All you have to do is fight the dragon and charge in. Fight for me! Pester!! Pay me a little undivided attention!!?! I'm still female!? I know I'm emotionally shite and just kinda shut down and vanish on you but I'm here?!! Go the distance go on I dare you. I bloody dare you to fight for me.
I'm so tired. Overtired. I'm hurting and I'm emotional and there's this downfall to this little fortress I've got around myself. Doesn't stop it hurting. Just stops people seeing it.
Tuesday, 24 March 2009
Fuck you. Fuck you very very much.
Sure she was a legend already swimming topless all over the place. But more so currently. The new album, 'its not me, its you.' is decent. Very decent. 'I could say' is very amazing to me. Its very of the 'now' if you get my meaning.
I'm a little too obsessed with music. And for a while I've been thinking of getting hold of Lily Allen again and giving her a real good listen to. So I'm doing just that and I'm a little in love with this affair.
I miss a few of my far away friends today. Just because they'd both make it all better and fix it all. With one I'd go see a film, we'd share a McDonalds, drive around in his car, have a laugh, talk and it'd be alright. With the other we'd more then likely stay in, watch films, cuddle and not need to say a word cos it wouldn't be needed. And both of them have this quality no one else has, of just making it all alright. No need to worry.
But lately I'm being very good, I'm not worried in the slightest. I haven't wound myself up for a while and I'm okay. I'm liking seeing a few different faces too, its nice to have variation and not do the same every night. Its nice, its a bit brighter lately, not so doom and gloom. I do love the sunshine.
I'd like to stay on this little manic trip I've got going on here. I've let go of the problem that big thing that was just causing my emotion to fester and bubble like a catalyst. I just need to get through college and then I'm free of education. Then I can really start living.
Monday, 23 March 2009
Abomination
A cup of hot water with milk and sugar in it does not constitute as a cup of tea!?!!
I've decided I need one of those alarm things that wakes me up in the morning with a cup of tea, breakfast and sex.... wait..... is that a girlfriend I'm defining?
I've decided I need one of those alarm things that wakes me up in the morning with a cup of tea, breakfast and sex.... wait..... is that a girlfriend I'm defining?
Sunday, 22 March 2009
Bite me
Shall we pretend you, my darling readers, all ... two and a half of you, have asked me: So, how have the last few days been? Vile my love. Completely vile. :D
We've had: cold shoulders, tantrums, unexpected reactions and really its quite obvious what someones been doing all weekend. But oddly enough I don't give a damn.
Last night was the first good night I've had in a long time. I bought one drink and paid my entry into a club and still managed to get fucked off my face. It was rather amazing, I was with people who don't expect anything from me and don't toss me aside like an old shoe just because they can and because someone else is there. It was like going home. I've always said that lot are like family to me and they so are, last night proved it. I adore them completely because even after months of not seeing each other properly nothings changed. Its a nice reminder that some people are stable in what they think of me.
The only downside of last night was the rather large girl who took a shine to me. I was in my docs, skinny jeans rolled up, punisher shirt and braces. Looking very boy. As I do. First off she asks me if I'm a transman - I was really tempted to bind last night but decided against it. My answer: No... I just like drag. And I wasn't particularly dragged. Really. Its strange the reaction people have when you say: Yeah tonight my names jack. But then she took to deciding I 'must' dance, which I didn't out of pride because she practically tried to carry me to the dance floor, I'm impressed with my resistance because she was damn huge and I'm a rake and she couldn't budge me. But in doing this she broke my braces, well, my MATE'S braces that I borrowed, ARGH not good. Fucker.
What else..? Friday day I managed to bite off one of the balls on my tongue bar and swallow it, really not impressed. Friday was a nice day, up until the point I got to the pub. I had been over excitable and bouncy for nearly two days solid and the minute there's a door slammed in my face it kinda sobered me up from it all and I just plunged into tired and a sick feeling. I think she's shut the door good and proper this time, because she's 'being good' with who exactly? Me or everyone? Just me I reckon. This is one of the things I hate about women, they can be completely fine with you and then a few hours later that's it. You've had it all and that's it. I'm not worrying though. As I said before, she can do what she wants and so can I.
Fundamental law of this girl: When she's there she's really there and when she's not she's REALLY not. (Imagine the high pitched squeak at 'REALLY'.) But that's okay. Because there's a new fundamental law building into my system, its called 'the bite me' reaction/system/device... whatever I'm not sure what it is. It starts like: You either want me or you don't want me. Not just some of the time not just most of the time, its either all the time or nothing, just me and no one else. And if you can't deal with that, you can bite me cos I'm not settling for less. This is coupled with: Clearly if I don't believe a word your saying because EVERYTHING you're doing is completely contradicting everything you're saying then, you also bite me.
Self preservation. Definition: Protecting what I've got left, before you desecrate that as well.
We've had: cold shoulders, tantrums, unexpected reactions and really its quite obvious what someones been doing all weekend. But oddly enough I don't give a damn.
Last night was the first good night I've had in a long time. I bought one drink and paid my entry into a club and still managed to get fucked off my face. It was rather amazing, I was with people who don't expect anything from me and don't toss me aside like an old shoe just because they can and because someone else is there. It was like going home. I've always said that lot are like family to me and they so are, last night proved it. I adore them completely because even after months of not seeing each other properly nothings changed. Its a nice reminder that some people are stable in what they think of me.
The only downside of last night was the rather large girl who took a shine to me. I was in my docs, skinny jeans rolled up, punisher shirt and braces. Looking very boy. As I do. First off she asks me if I'm a transman - I was really tempted to bind last night but decided against it. My answer: No... I just like drag. And I wasn't particularly dragged. Really. Its strange the reaction people have when you say: Yeah tonight my names jack. But then she took to deciding I 'must' dance, which I didn't out of pride because she practically tried to carry me to the dance floor, I'm impressed with my resistance because she was damn huge and I'm a rake and she couldn't budge me. But in doing this she broke my braces, well, my MATE'S braces that I borrowed, ARGH not good. Fucker.
What else..? Friday day I managed to bite off one of the balls on my tongue bar and swallow it, really not impressed. Friday was a nice day, up until the point I got to the pub. I had been over excitable and bouncy for nearly two days solid and the minute there's a door slammed in my face it kinda sobered me up from it all and I just plunged into tired and a sick feeling. I think she's shut the door good and proper this time, because she's 'being good' with who exactly? Me or everyone? Just me I reckon. This is one of the things I hate about women, they can be completely fine with you and then a few hours later that's it. You've had it all and that's it. I'm not worrying though. As I said before, she can do what she wants and so can I.
Fundamental law of this girl: When she's there she's really there and when she's not she's REALLY not. (Imagine the high pitched squeak at 'REALLY'.) But that's okay. Because there's a new fundamental law building into my system, its called 'the bite me' reaction/system/device... whatever I'm not sure what it is. It starts like: You either want me or you don't want me. Not just some of the time not just most of the time, its either all the time or nothing, just me and no one else. And if you can't deal with that, you can bite me cos I'm not settling for less. This is coupled with: Clearly if I don't believe a word your saying because EVERYTHING you're doing is completely contradicting everything you're saying then, you also bite me.
Self preservation. Definition: Protecting what I've got left, before you desecrate that as well.
Saturday, 21 March 2009
Nothing in Particular
So yesterday I had my hair cut. Ive got my summer hair on. No more mop. Shaved sides mohawk Esq. As it is I still feel like I've got no energy... I'm not sure why. Maybe I need to eat some nice stuff and then I'll feel better. But I've slept decent. Good ten hours.
Got in last night and nearly dropped off fully clothed so something in me had decided it was tired.
I'm going to lie in the sun today.
Got in last night and nearly dropped off fully clothed so something in me had decided it was tired.
I'm going to lie in the sun today.
Friday, 20 March 2009
Go on google go on google go on google
Wednesday, 18 March 2009
New plan
Okay... how about this..... after college I vanish up to scotland and then liverpool for a bit.... then mooch down to reading... then I take myself to london and get on a very nice coach for 15 quid. And take myself to amsterdam. How about that? This seems like a good plan. One problem.
Money. ¬.¬
Money. ¬.¬
Mush! Avante! Onwards! Upwards! GO!
18/03/09 - 12km - 20 mins.
I decided yesterday, after running through the bus station to get my bus that I have the cardio vascular system of a mushroom. But we will remedy this. There is a lot we are fixing. Regardless of what anyone else thinks because apparently we're not 'trying'. Because miracles happen surely I can flick a switch and it all vanishes. I don't care what you think. Say what you want be malicious add insult to injury I don't care. I don't care. I don't need you, I don't need anybody but myself because we get on quite well thank you. Me and Hyde have great conversations about you, we both think your a maniac and need to sort this head thing out.
I'm feeling righteous. And today I'm really fighting. Its been a day of up and down already. Angry, frustration and tears. But we're a unit, we've got the reigns and we're going to be fine how ever long it takes. Because we're a fighter. Not a survivor. Survivors lie on the floor weeping, mourning loss and grieving people they've lost and loose someone you need to have them in the first place. Fighters rise above it all, they keep there dukes up and bob and weave until that killer punch comes and the enemy is left on the floor bleeding. If you want peace, prepare for war. Justice. Always out numbered never out gunned. I can take a razor to my skin quite happily and not give a damn because I'm bleeding out all that crap that's swimming in myself. A mate said to me yesterday: I've known cutters but I've never seen anything as bad as that. Its not bad, its art. Twisted morbid art of no real worth.
A part of myself has vanished. I'm not lost, just wandering. Someday I will write about all of this but currently, I have no words. No real words, nothing of substance I could be cryptic, but that's only because I lack the ability to deal with anything. So I'll just say this and move on:
It was fun. Goodbye.
Motion. This is what we need. Motion. Pushing forward now. I've had enough of standing still and waiting.
I decided yesterday, after running through the bus station to get my bus that I have the cardio vascular system of a mushroom. But we will remedy this. There is a lot we are fixing. Regardless of what anyone else thinks because apparently we're not 'trying'. Because miracles happen surely I can flick a switch and it all vanishes. I don't care what you think. Say what you want be malicious add insult to injury I don't care. I don't care. I don't need you, I don't need anybody but myself because we get on quite well thank you. Me and Hyde have great conversations about you, we both think your a maniac and need to sort this head thing out.
I'm feeling righteous. And today I'm really fighting. Its been a day of up and down already. Angry, frustration and tears. But we're a unit, we've got the reigns and we're going to be fine how ever long it takes. Because we're a fighter. Not a survivor. Survivors lie on the floor weeping, mourning loss and grieving people they've lost and loose someone you need to have them in the first place. Fighters rise above it all, they keep there dukes up and bob and weave until that killer punch comes and the enemy is left on the floor bleeding. If you want peace, prepare for war. Justice. Always out numbered never out gunned. I can take a razor to my skin quite happily and not give a damn because I'm bleeding out all that crap that's swimming in myself. A mate said to me yesterday: I've known cutters but I've never seen anything as bad as that. Its not bad, its art. Twisted morbid art of no real worth.
A part of myself has vanished. I'm not lost, just wandering. Someday I will write about all of this but currently, I have no words. No real words, nothing of substance I could be cryptic, but that's only because I lack the ability to deal with anything. So I'll just say this and move on:
It was fun. Goodbye.
Motion. This is what we need. Motion. Pushing forward now. I've had enough of standing still and waiting.
Possibly one of the greatest songs on the planet:
Well I don't want to see you waiting
I've already gone too far away
I still can't keep the day from ending
No more messed up reasons for me to stay
Well this is not for real
Afraid to feel
I just hit the floor
Don't ask for more
I'm wasting my time
I'm wasting my time
You can't stop the feeling
And there's no reason
Let's make the call
And take it all again
Woah again
Months went by with us pretending
When did our light turn from green to red
I took a chance and left you standing
Lost the will to do this once again
Well this is not for real
Afraid to feel
I just hit the floor
Don't ask for more
I'm wasting my time
I'm wasting my time
You can't stop the feeling
And there's no reason
Let's make the call
And take it all
I'm wasting my time
I'm wasting my time again
Woah again
See you waiting
Lonesome, lonely
See you waiting
I see you waiting
Well this is not for real
Afraid to feel
I just hit the floor
Don't ask for more
I'm wasting my time
I'm wasting my time
You can't stop the feeling
And there's no reason
Let's make the call
And take it all
I'm wasting my time
I'm wasting...
Wasting my time by Default
Well I don't want to see you waiting
I've already gone too far away
I still can't keep the day from ending
No more messed up reasons for me to stay
Well this is not for real
Afraid to feel
I just hit the floor
Don't ask for more
I'm wasting my time
I'm wasting my time
You can't stop the feeling
And there's no reason
Let's make the call
And take it all again
Woah again
Months went by with us pretending
When did our light turn from green to red
I took a chance and left you standing
Lost the will to do this once again
Well this is not for real
Afraid to feel
I just hit the floor
Don't ask for more
I'm wasting my time
I'm wasting my time
You can't stop the feeling
And there's no reason
Let's make the call
And take it all
I'm wasting my time
I'm wasting my time again
Woah again
See you waiting
Lonesome, lonely
See you waiting
I see you waiting
Well this is not for real
Afraid to feel
I just hit the floor
Don't ask for more
I'm wasting my time
I'm wasting my time
You can't stop the feeling
And there's no reason
Let's make the call
And take it all
I'm wasting my time
I'm wasting...
Wasting my time by Default
Tuesday, 17 March 2009
Hyde
Okay so here I am again. And what do I have to say? I'm not really sure, think I know what the problem was, maybe? If I go on like I am I really know what the problem is. No I'm not going to elaborate because this is still theory.
So I'm here. And I slept relatively well and I'm starved. But my head is quiet. Like I've just had the best drug. Just relaxed, nothing to worry about, calm. I have a new favourite song. Hometown Glory by Adele. I was going to write last night, I walked through the door and decided to write 17,000 words before the first of april and mail it to the USA is a little far fetched even for me. But its okay because its a quarterly competition so I can always enter it on the first of july.
I really am getting back into the habit of posting here too. Because I need an outlet, and any writing is good writing. I could plan my life away but words never hitting the paper is becoming regular practise. Urgh.
I've made the concious decision to sort this out. And this kind of decision is binding. Its a contract I've mentally signed the penilty of not sorting it is death. Naturally. If we all have alter egos, the good and the bad, surely its possible to make them co exist. I do believe I've got a Jeckyll and Hyde complex. Dr. Jeckyll is calm serene and sane. But theres a trigger, I'm not really sure what it is, I've got a hunch but we'll see, and the minute someone touches the trigger Mr. Hyde is out to play and my brain runs at overspeed thrashing all rational thought into tiny bits. Its completely involentary. Its like there's this gremlin living in my head that enjoys jumping on the nerve that triggers Hyde. Who knows. I'll figure it out.
So I'm here. And I slept relatively well and I'm starved. But my head is quiet. Like I've just had the best drug. Just relaxed, nothing to worry about, calm. I have a new favourite song. Hometown Glory by Adele. I was going to write last night, I walked through the door and decided to write 17,000 words before the first of april and mail it to the USA is a little far fetched even for me. But its okay because its a quarterly competition so I can always enter it on the first of july.
I really am getting back into the habit of posting here too. Because I need an outlet, and any writing is good writing. I could plan my life away but words never hitting the paper is becoming regular practise. Urgh.
I've made the concious decision to sort this out. And this kind of decision is binding. Its a contract I've mentally signed the penilty of not sorting it is death. Naturally. If we all have alter egos, the good and the bad, surely its possible to make them co exist. I do believe I've got a Jeckyll and Hyde complex. Dr. Jeckyll is calm serene and sane. But theres a trigger, I'm not really sure what it is, I've got a hunch but we'll see, and the minute someone touches the trigger Mr. Hyde is out to play and my brain runs at overspeed thrashing all rational thought into tiny bits. Its completely involentary. Its like there's this gremlin living in my head that enjoys jumping on the nerve that triggers Hyde. Who knows. I'll figure it out.
Monday, 16 March 2009
More research
Another website.
This is a blockier version... opening page is a selection of links taking you to different sections down the page and begins with this statement... which hits a little too close to home.
'When I'm in a manic phase, I feel as though I am capable of anything and everything. This can be an amazing feeling, but I sometimes get frustrated and angry with people. Ideas flow constantly and quickly, as if my brain is on fast-forward. Everything happening in the world has significance in my life.
But when I'm depressed, it's as if I'm completely crushed and living in slow motion. I feel capable of nothing.'
Yeah. Just about. So lets bold everything thats relevant. Because its a fun experiment.
What is bipolar disorder (manic depression)?
This is a blockier version... opening page is a selection of links taking you to different sections down the page and begins with this statement... which hits a little too close to home.
'When I'm in a manic phase, I feel as though I am capable of anything and everything. This can be an amazing feeling, but I sometimes get frustrated and angry with people. Ideas flow constantly and quickly, as if my brain is on fast-forward. Everything happening in the world has significance in my life.
But when I'm depressed, it's as if I'm completely crushed and living in slow motion. I feel capable of nothing.'
Yeah. Just about. So lets bold everything thats relevant. Because its a fun experiment.
What is bipolar disorder (manic depression)?
Someone diagnosed with bipolar disorder (formerly known as manic depression) may swing from moods of deep depression to periods of overactive, excited behaviour known as mania. Between these severe highs and lows can be stable times. Some people also see or hear things that others around them don't (known as having visual or auditory hallucinations or delusions).
Everybody has their ups and downs in daily life, but with bipolar disorder these changes are extreme. During the manic phase, people may feel euphoric, full of a sense of their own importance and brimming with ambitious schemes and ideas. They may spend money extravagantly, and build up debts. They may eat and sleep very little, and talk so quickly that it's difficult to understand them. They may be easily irritable and angry. Their libido can go into overdrive.
A person may be quite unaware of these changes in their attitude or behaviour. After a manic phase is over, they may be quite shocked at what they've done and the effect that it has had. People can be very creative during mania, and may feel that it's a very valuable experience.
Mania may flare up periodically, but depression is the most consistent symptom. People may feel overwhelming despair, guilt and worthlessness. They may feel chronic fatigue and gain weight, or have difficulty sleeping. They lose interest in everything. Problems concentrating and remembering things can make life very difficult and undermine the simplest tasks. The experience of bipolar disorder may provoke suicidal feelings.
The current diagnoses in the UK in 2006 are likely to be:
- Bipolar I or II, depending on the severity and the duration of the episodes of mania and/or depression.
- Cyclothymic disorder - with short periods of mild depression and short periods of hypomania.
- Rapid cycling - four or more episodes a year.
- Mixed states - periods of depression and elation at the same time.
(See www.nice.org.uk for 2006 guidelines to bipolar disorder.)
Some people have very few bipolar disorder episodes, with years of stability in between them. They may experience a couple of cycles (episodes) in their whole lifetime. Others have more frequent cycles.
About one to two per cent of the general population is diagnosed with bipolar disorder (a roughly equal number of men and women) usually in their 20s or 30s, although some teenagers are affected.
Amplified silence
Shall we peal back and stop being angry. Currently my feet ache, because I came into the good fortune of aquiring a pair of dr marten boots. My mate had dyed them black but I took it upon myself to spend a good two and a half hours scraping the majority off to reveal the beautiful green colour beneath. Currently they look rather good. They just need new laces and apparently new soles.
I've managed to burn and blister my mouth on my dinner. But today I had a chat with the girl thats causing me all of this agro. I find that the convictions and reasons I had in the morning fade by the afternoon and some sort of reason, reason of another kind appears. Rational thought returns. I am forced to remember my prespective is amplified. A whisper translates as a bellow. The hint of emotion is like a sledge hammer hitting me in the face.
I keep forgetting this. I'm overly sensitive. Just breathe. Relax. Stop worrying. Its part of my problem.
So lets frighten ourself. Lets research.
Lets look at the bbc website 'BBC > health > conditions> mental health> bipolar'
Bipolar (also known as manic depression) causes severe mood swings, that usually last several weeks or months and can be:
It goes on to say its gene related... stress related and physical problems with the brain systems which control mood. Okay... this I can also deal with.
Depression:
Psychotic Symptoms
Lovely. How fun it is to research.
Treatment (with notes)
Helping someone with bipolar disorder
When someone is depressed, it can be difficult to know what to say. They may see everything in a negative light and not be able to say what they want you to do. Listen and be patient and understanding. During mania, the person will appear to be happy, energetic or outgoing, but the excitement of any social situations will tend to push their mood even higher. Try to steer them away from parties or heated discussions, and try to persuade them to get help. In between mood episodes, find out more about bipolar disorder. Go to appointments with them (if they’re happy for you to do this) and make sure you give yourself space and time to recharge your batteries.
So this is what the bbc says. In case you were wondering.
I've managed to burn and blister my mouth on my dinner. But today I had a chat with the girl thats causing me all of this agro. I find that the convictions and reasons I had in the morning fade by the afternoon and some sort of reason, reason of another kind appears. Rational thought returns. I am forced to remember my prespective is amplified. A whisper translates as a bellow. The hint of emotion is like a sledge hammer hitting me in the face.
I keep forgetting this. I'm overly sensitive. Just breathe. Relax. Stop worrying. Its part of my problem.
So lets frighten ourself. Lets research.
Lets look at the bbc website 'BBC > health > conditions> mental health> bipolar'
Bipolar (also known as manic depression) causes severe mood swings, that usually last several weeks or months and can be:
- Low mood, intense depression and despair.
- High or ‘manic’ feelings of joy, over-activity and loss of inhibitions.
- A 'mixed state' such as a depressed mood with the restlessness and over-activity of a manic episode.
It goes on to say its gene related... stress related and physical problems with the brain systems which control mood. Okay... this I can also deal with.
Depression:
- Feelings of unhappiness that won’t go away
- Agitation and restlessness
- Loss of confidence
- Feeling useless, inadequate or hopeless
- Unable to think positively
- Can't concentrate or make even simple decisions
- Loss of appetite
- Sleeping problems including waking early in the morning
- Lack of interest in sex
- Avoiding other people
- Thoughts of suicide
- General elation
- Feeling more important than usual
- Full of energy or ideas; moving quickly from one idea to another
- Unable, or don't want to sleep
- More interested than usual in sex
- Making unrealistic plans
- Overactive, talking quickly
- Irritable with other people who can't go along with your mood or ideas
- Spending money recklessly
Psychotic Symptoms
If a mood swing becomes very severe, you may have 'psychotic’ symptoms. These include:
- When depressed, you feel guilty, worse than anybody else, or even that you don't exist.
- When manic, you may feel you’re on an important mission or you have special powers or abilities.
- You might also experience hallucinations - when you hear, smell, feel or see something that isn’t there.
Lovely. How fun it is to research.
Treatment (with notes)
There are three groups of mood stabilisers, which can take several months to work properly.
- Lithium is used to treat both manic and depressive episodes. It can be harmful if the dose is too high, so regular blood tests are needed. Side-effects include feeling thirsty, passing lots of urine and weight gain. (Scary scary)
- Anticonvulsants - used in epilepsy.
- ‘Atypical’ antipsychotics - used to treat schizophrenia. (Even scarier that schizophrenia is an irrational fear)
- Psychoeducation – finding out more about bipolar disorder
- Mood monitoring – to help you pick up when your mood is swinging
- Mood strategies – to help you stop your mood swings going into a full-blown manic or depressive episode
- Developing general coping skills
- Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) for depression (Oh lovely really.)
- Recognising the signs that your mood is swinging out of control so you can get help early.
- Finding out as much as you can about the condition.
- Avoiding particularly stressful situations.
- Having at least one person that you can rely on and confide in. When you’re well, make sure that they understand about bipolar disorder.
- Balancing your life, work, leisure-time and relationships.
- Exercising for 20 minutes or so, three times a week, should improve your mood.
- Doing things you enjoy.
Helping someone with bipolar disorder
When someone is depressed, it can be difficult to know what to say. They may see everything in a negative light and not be able to say what they want you to do. Listen and be patient and understanding. During mania, the person will appear to be happy, energetic or outgoing, but the excitement of any social situations will tend to push their mood even higher. Try to steer them away from parties or heated discussions, and try to persuade them to get help. In between mood episodes, find out more about bipolar disorder. Go to appointments with them (if they’re happy for you to do this) and make sure you give yourself space and time to recharge your batteries.
So this is what the bbc says. In case you were wondering.
I've been walking in the same way as I did
I saw a shooting star last night, or I was hallucinating, or I having a nice delusion of some kind, or it was just some crap in the corner of my eye. But what ever it was. It came at the perfect moment. All the pieces fell into place into a funny kind of sense. Dreams last as long as both are dreaming. And I think she stopped dreaming a while ago.
So whats happened then? Well. My last post was me telling you I may be out of action. Because well - how do I put this without sounding like a complete fruitcake - I cut my fingertips up, that'll do blunt as anything. And I cut my leg up as well, and not just once or twice. I carved fate into my leg under a nice arrangement of scratches crisscrossing.
Why? What is the reasoning behind this? Peter Pan fell out of the sky because hanging on to anything became impossible. I was told where to go and that was it. I gave up.
This rope I've been hanging on to for months was greased up anyway but what am I supposed to do? History repeated itself and she knew my shit, she knew my problem, she knew she knew she knew!?! SHE GODDAMNFUCKINGKNEW AND DID IT ANYWAY!!? And I knew it was happening because I could see it! I could feel it in my goddamn gut and wanted to puke for days and it wasn't that sick sick feeling it was that emotional sick feeling because I knew it was happening. Knew it knew it knew it knew it knew it. I'm not crazy. Its just the way the entire world makes me feel. Honesty is bullshit. Who is really honest in this world. I'm so angry. The minute I'm honest someone tells me I'm being FUCKING unreasonable!?!
I tell her how I feel, oh yes, because I see her last night at the pub and I can't bare to look her in the face. 'So what are you going to do next' I say. Kill me. Heat pins and stick them in my arm. Torture? Desecration? Really. What the fucks next. All night I sat staring at the floor and yeah, it just seethed and I couldn't say what as on my mind because she didn't ask. She didn't give a damn. Didn't give a damn anyone on this fucking planet would fight for the person they want the most, so if i really was that person, she'd fucking fight for me. But she won't will she. Cos I'm clearly not enough and I'm clearly not that person. I think she made her choice, with bite marks up her neck and that look on her face.
Give me one reason to stay and I'll turn right back around. Because I don't wanna leave you lonely but you gotta make me change my mind.
What is this life really? Is it a series of reactions and moments? Is there some kid sitting on an ant hill with a magnifying glass, and naturally me being the ant, is having a truck load of fun burning my feelers of and watching me squirm?!
Am I wrong? Probably. I'm always fucking wrong. But I've got no reason at all to think otherwise. Think I've given out enough fucking chances and all I wanted to do was love her. Really what can I do? Somebody please, this is a calling into the universe WHAT CAN I FUCKING DO?! What possibly can I do? What is there left even!? Other then completely ripping out everything in my personality and fixing all the cracks what can I do? Yeah... you've got it right... nothing. Because anything I tried to do would be contradicted by a million other factors and once more history will repeat itself. And I'll just end up with my heart ripped out again and again and again. This isn't defeat. This is the white flag. Its fine really I'll go down with my ship, I'll leave you alone and never look back. I'll just go. Make it easier for everyone.
Yeah I'm a dick. We get it. And blatantly I'm natures fool. Someone printed mug on my forehead in letters I can't read. Which I why I always get kicked around the street like a can.
But that's fine. Really. Do what you want, completely disregard me because I'm obsolete, clearly. I am going to leave this place. Regardless of who's here or not. I will leave and I won't come back for a long time. And I will make it happen.
So whats happened then? Well. My last post was me telling you I may be out of action. Because well - how do I put this without sounding like a complete fruitcake - I cut my fingertips up, that'll do blunt as anything. And I cut my leg up as well, and not just once or twice. I carved fate into my leg under a nice arrangement of scratches crisscrossing.
Why? What is the reasoning behind this? Peter Pan fell out of the sky because hanging on to anything became impossible. I was told where to go and that was it. I gave up.
This rope I've been hanging on to for months was greased up anyway but what am I supposed to do? History repeated itself and she knew my shit, she knew my problem, she knew she knew she knew!?! SHE GODDAMNFUCKINGKNEW AND DID IT ANYWAY!!? And I knew it was happening because I could see it! I could feel it in my goddamn gut and wanted to puke for days and it wasn't that sick sick feeling it was that emotional sick feeling because I knew it was happening. Knew it knew it knew it knew it knew it. I'm not crazy. Its just the way the entire world makes me feel. Honesty is bullshit. Who is really honest in this world. I'm so angry. The minute I'm honest someone tells me I'm being FUCKING unreasonable!?!
I tell her how I feel, oh yes, because I see her last night at the pub and I can't bare to look her in the face. 'So what are you going to do next' I say. Kill me. Heat pins and stick them in my arm. Torture? Desecration? Really. What the fucks next. All night I sat staring at the floor and yeah, it just seethed and I couldn't say what as on my mind because she didn't ask. She didn't give a damn. Didn't give a damn anyone on this fucking planet would fight for the person they want the most, so if i really was that person, she'd fucking fight for me. But she won't will she. Cos I'm clearly not enough and I'm clearly not that person. I think she made her choice, with bite marks up her neck and that look on her face.
Give me one reason to stay and I'll turn right back around. Because I don't wanna leave you lonely but you gotta make me change my mind.
What is this life really? Is it a series of reactions and moments? Is there some kid sitting on an ant hill with a magnifying glass, and naturally me being the ant, is having a truck load of fun burning my feelers of and watching me squirm?!
Am I wrong? Probably. I'm always fucking wrong. But I've got no reason at all to think otherwise. Think I've given out enough fucking chances and all I wanted to do was love her. Really what can I do? Somebody please, this is a calling into the universe WHAT CAN I FUCKING DO?! What possibly can I do? What is there left even!? Other then completely ripping out everything in my personality and fixing all the cracks what can I do? Yeah... you've got it right... nothing. Because anything I tried to do would be contradicted by a million other factors and once more history will repeat itself. And I'll just end up with my heart ripped out again and again and again. This isn't defeat. This is the white flag. Its fine really I'll go down with my ship, I'll leave you alone and never look back. I'll just go. Make it easier for everyone.
Yeah I'm a dick. We get it. And blatantly I'm natures fool. Someone printed mug on my forehead in letters I can't read. Which I why I always get kicked around the street like a can.
But that's fine. Really. Do what you want, completely disregard me because I'm obsolete, clearly. I am going to leave this place. Regardless of who's here or not. I will leave and I won't come back for a long time. And I will make it happen.
Friday, 13 March 2009
Thursday, 12 March 2009
Neverland
No more happy thoughts. Lost... lost.
Currently I'm watching Hook. One of my favourite films in the world. I had my hair cut today, its all pixie.
Flick a coin, heads or tails. Yeah. So today I had a scary day. My tutor sat me down at college, just me and her and said very bluntly: "So whats going on with you? Whats wrong?" Whenever anyone asks me this, I sit gaping like a fish. I want to tell, yes, but the words don't come out. And then I find out my lecturers are worried, I'm the subject of discussion and my tutor tells me quite plainly that she's had to tell them not to push, not to probe and just to leave me be and let me deal with myself on my own. So what's worse? People talking about me or them knowing theres somethings wrong?
When I tell my friend I fall to pieces on her, all wobbily like. What does logic say. Logic says: SHIT GET OUT YOU FOOL WHILE YOU'VE STILL GOT LEGS TO RUN! - this is why life is so hard. It expects you to defy all logic and do crazy thing.
Fefe Beans - my friend - is rather amazing, shes told me somedays shes watched me go home and wondered: Is she going to be alright? Is she going to do something stupid when she gets home? How morbid. Because Fefe Beans knows it all, inside and out. She's the person I fell apart on the other week and oddly enough shes the person that all my mush goes through. She says I need to be strong, she says I can't give up. Etc etc etc.
But yes, bottom line: problems. Big problems. It college have gathered I'm not happy then the world pretty much has and the world has seen through the pretend and the game is broken. Maybe I need to go back to therapy. Well lets not maybe. I need something. Something! Because its pretty clear the way I'm going isn't working.
My tutor said to me today: One day I will probably end up in the corner crazy because all those systems of dealing with things will just go SPLURG because I won't be able to take anymore and currently I can see you just going SPLURG. How did she know? Really? How did she know that I've just had enough? Am I really that easy to read? No I really can't take anymore and just want to crawl into bed and never move again.
I need a happy thought. Just one. Please. Just one simple pure happy thought. One that isn't surounded by a big game or isn't surrounded by a web of mush that drives me insane. Please? Just one happy thought, one happy thought, just one.....? I've got nothing really. Help?
Currently I'm watching Hook. One of my favourite films in the world. I had my hair cut today, its all pixie.
Flick a coin, heads or tails. Yeah. So today I had a scary day. My tutor sat me down at college, just me and her and said very bluntly: "So whats going on with you? Whats wrong?" Whenever anyone asks me this, I sit gaping like a fish. I want to tell, yes, but the words don't come out. And then I find out my lecturers are worried, I'm the subject of discussion and my tutor tells me quite plainly that she's had to tell them not to push, not to probe and just to leave me be and let me deal with myself on my own. So what's worse? People talking about me or them knowing theres somethings wrong?
When I tell my friend I fall to pieces on her, all wobbily like. What does logic say. Logic says: SHIT GET OUT YOU FOOL WHILE YOU'VE STILL GOT LEGS TO RUN! - this is why life is so hard. It expects you to defy all logic and do crazy thing.
Fefe Beans - my friend - is rather amazing, shes told me somedays shes watched me go home and wondered: Is she going to be alright? Is she going to do something stupid when she gets home? How morbid. Because Fefe Beans knows it all, inside and out. She's the person I fell apart on the other week and oddly enough shes the person that all my mush goes through. She says I need to be strong, she says I can't give up. Etc etc etc.
But yes, bottom line: problems. Big problems. It college have gathered I'm not happy then the world pretty much has and the world has seen through the pretend and the game is broken. Maybe I need to go back to therapy. Well lets not maybe. I need something. Something! Because its pretty clear the way I'm going isn't working.
My tutor said to me today: One day I will probably end up in the corner crazy because all those systems of dealing with things will just go SPLURG because I won't be able to take anymore and currently I can see you just going SPLURG. How did she know? Really? How did she know that I've just had enough? Am I really that easy to read? No I really can't take anymore and just want to crawl into bed and never move again.
I need a happy thought. Just one. Please. Just one simple pure happy thought. One that isn't surounded by a big game or isn't surrounded by a web of mush that drives me insane. Please? Just one happy thought, one happy thought, just one.....? I've got nothing really. Help?
Tuesday, 10 March 2009
Run away run away like a prodigal
Okay, so where was I when we last spoke? Something about something I'm imaginining. But you know 'that girl' I'm always raving about in a non descript subtle way that makes no real sense? Well, some would call it progress, others - I dont even know what I'm hungover right now so my vocabulary isn't exactly paramount. Well. She split up with her girlfriend. These words are enough to make me excited. Purely because the hurdle I've been trying to get over for so long is suddently vanished. But. Yes. There's always a but. I'm being made to wait on a bed of nails. Terrified in this limbo once more. Here's my problem lately - lately? rather constantly: I'm extremely paranoid, I'm extremely irrational and I have no belief in myself whatsoever. So small things I read completely differently.
Like this constant texting business, like really, texting her constantly every day since you broke up surely should be something like false hope to the person you've just broken up with but some people are like this. Maybe its a sense of responsibilty to be there for the person you've just hurt, I'm not sure. But really, I can't help this, this is what it translates to in my head and this is purely irrational and paranoid and really has no real basis: I see myself in the pub, walking towards the table and find her and her ex all over each other and pick up my stuff and say I'm going over the park for a smoke. Then I run and run and run and don't look back. Or there's the other one: I'm in the pub and I'm told bluntly and outright that there back together. I dunno, I need to get both of these out of my head because really its not healthy. Its just winding me up.
I just don't want a repeat preformance of whats already happened, I'm feel very out of my comfort zone and would like a little bit of reasurance. And of course being me, I'm very good at convincing myself things are going to happen, being a bit of a nutter.
I need to be cool, I need to relax and just wait. Just wait I'm not allowed to trip now not after I've waited and somewhat fought for this for so long. Just wait. I think a lot of it is just all of this mush in my head. Its okay to be terrified.
So today my life looks a bit like this: There is an epidemic of plague in my house. Apparently my parents have been up all night with a sick bug even the dogs been sick. So I've banished both of them to bed in the hope that tomorrow will be a slightly better day to celebrate my moms birthday.
Oh and my jigsaw pieces came today, ordered from ebay. I am chuffed. :D
Like this constant texting business, like really, texting her constantly every day since you broke up surely should be something like false hope to the person you've just broken up with but some people are like this. Maybe its a sense of responsibilty to be there for the person you've just hurt, I'm not sure. But really, I can't help this, this is what it translates to in my head and this is purely irrational and paranoid and really has no real basis: I see myself in the pub, walking towards the table and find her and her ex all over each other and pick up my stuff and say I'm going over the park for a smoke. Then I run and run and run and don't look back. Or there's the other one: I'm in the pub and I'm told bluntly and outright that there back together. I dunno, I need to get both of these out of my head because really its not healthy. Its just winding me up.
I just don't want a repeat preformance of whats already happened, I'm feel very out of my comfort zone and would like a little bit of reasurance. And of course being me, I'm very good at convincing myself things are going to happen, being a bit of a nutter.
I need to be cool, I need to relax and just wait. Just wait I'm not allowed to trip now not after I've waited and somewhat fought for this for so long. Just wait. I think a lot of it is just all of this mush in my head. Its okay to be terrified.
So today my life looks a bit like this: There is an epidemic of plague in my house. Apparently my parents have been up all night with a sick bug even the dogs been sick. So I've banished both of them to bed in the hope that tomorrow will be a slightly better day to celebrate my moms birthday.
Oh and my jigsaw pieces came today, ordered from ebay. I am chuffed. :D
Monday, 9 March 2009
I apologize
Its been a hectic kind of week. No I'm not going into details just know that I've been getting home at half one/two/three o clock in the morning regardless of college. And I've had big surprises.
Saturday I had my eyebrow done, horizontally. Mostly was just a big pinch and my eye started watering. But other then that I'm having no worries with it.
I think maybe an Angel of Mercy found me. I've had a lot crossed, flipped a lot of coins and oddly enough .... shit.... :| When did I get so lucky? I'm hoping this isn't all too good to be true. I'm wishing it isn't. I can only wait and see if I'm still the biggest fool and if I am well... I think we all know I'll leave this town.
Saturday I had my eyebrow done, horizontally. Mostly was just a big pinch and my eye started watering. But other then that I'm having no worries with it.
I think maybe an Angel of Mercy found me. I've had a lot crossed, flipped a lot of coins and oddly enough .... shit.... :| When did I get so lucky? I'm hoping this isn't all too good to be true. I'm wishing it isn't. I can only wait and see if I'm still the biggest fool and if I am well... I think we all know I'll leave this town.
Monday, 2 March 2009
I woke up today to this on google. Needless to say it made me a very happy bunny because I have a new found love for Dr. Seuss. I have rules about squealing this early in the morning, so there was no squealing, but there would have been any other time of the day.
Sunday, 1 March 2009
Soul Searching
Right, its time to get serious and be very honest. I am not well. I told an old friend my hunch, told her how it made sense to me etc. And she said: To be honest I knew this three years ago. :| yeah. There's a kick in the none existent nuts. Am I surprised she could diagnose me? No because shes bipolar. But I am surprised she knew long ago when I was still oblivious.
I reached the point where I couldn't push it down any longer. So it just came back up, kinda like vomit and yes it was worse then it was beforehand.
I had the best week of my life in half term. Purely because I existed as a singular being and wasn't dealing with anyone else's drama or lives. I'm not good with emotion. It frightens me beyond belief. I hate crying in front of people because I hate being vulnerable in front of anyone. I'm really not good with people. I've admitted its all quite damaged in myself. But that's just the way I'm built. I need to learn how to stop shutting down and deal with it all. Because I can't keep walking around numb.
Everything is always so amplified. Every little tiny thing is blasted out of proportion with me. It's like. Imagine someone turning the volume up on life and its not sound you hear, its everything else your not supposed to hear. Then imagine your so sensitive to it you can't stand it and build a glass box around yourself to try and filter out the noise. Then your kind of on the right track.
Last night: You don't have to fight alone, ya know? We've both got the scars to prove that doesn't work. Okay. I'm going to be honest to try to minimize the white noise. And I'm going to talk and I'm really going to stop this hidden in a glass box business. There are big issues to deal with. I need to understand myself. Ask the right questions. And hear the answers. Just time for a bit of soul searching now.
I reached the point where I couldn't push it down any longer. So it just came back up, kinda like vomit and yes it was worse then it was beforehand.
I had the best week of my life in half term. Purely because I existed as a singular being and wasn't dealing with anyone else's drama or lives. I'm not good with emotion. It frightens me beyond belief. I hate crying in front of people because I hate being vulnerable in front of anyone. I'm really not good with people. I've admitted its all quite damaged in myself. But that's just the way I'm built. I need to learn how to stop shutting down and deal with it all. Because I can't keep walking around numb.
Everything is always so amplified. Every little tiny thing is blasted out of proportion with me. It's like. Imagine someone turning the volume up on life and its not sound you hear, its everything else your not supposed to hear. Then imagine your so sensitive to it you can't stand it and build a glass box around yourself to try and filter out the noise. Then your kind of on the right track.
Last night: You don't have to fight alone, ya know? We've both got the scars to prove that doesn't work. Okay. I'm going to be honest to try to minimize the white noise. And I'm going to talk and I'm really going to stop this hidden in a glass box business. There are big issues to deal with. I need to understand myself. Ask the right questions. And hear the answers. Just time for a bit of soul searching now.
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