I am not crazy.

Yeah, I'm very aware I've got a lot of work to do. I need to write properly and I'm just not kicking myself up the arse enough.
I've been thinking a lot to myself. Actually, good thinking not just lets think about everything to the point where we explode into tiny bits and our eyeballs bleed. Good thinking. Thinking that results in stuff. And I am not crazy. Thats my decision today. I am not crazy.
I am delicate. But I am not crazy. This is a nice thought to have. I'm taking a lot of comfort out o fit. I'm not crazy. I'm not crazy. I'm not crazy. The entire world has been trying to convince me I am, but I'm not. I'm not crazy. I'm very very aware of everything. I'm very tuned in to everything. But I am not crazy.
Sure I can be chaotic and have a mishapen view thats appeared from so much and doesn't actually become clear until its crept up on me smacked me in the face and said 'hello, shall we go for a pint?' I am not crazy. I'm really not crazy. It wasn't my fault. I said it all last night, it all fell out of me like rain and you know those moments you have were someone says something and it makes sense. Well I had one of those and it made perfect sense to me.
My natural occupation since I was four was watching people. Picking up on there little signals, picking up on there manerisums and everything else. It was what I did because I had no one to talk to when I was young and if I did it was a dinner lady or someone hurling abuse or someone ignoring me entirely because I had an imagination and was a little bit strange. I'd play in the dirt and prefer my own company, loathing maths most of all and orchestrating a different life between my ears. I can remember getting my textbook marked and being so certain I'd got it this time, I'd managed it, and getting it back with big X's scribbled all over it. I hated that. The long walk up to the front of the classroom, handing over my brick red text book and waiting for the enevitable. X X X. Bugger. Not again. :(
I took to watching, I took to learning people. I took to becoming acutely aware of other people. Which is why so much can amount to paranoia. If you give me no reason not to be paranoid surely my brain is going to give me every reason.
A) It has been built into me, that people WILL leave me. They have me for a while they stick around for a while and then they will leave and I WILL be alone again. B) I'm terrified of the unknown and without a comforting hand on my shoulder constantly I will spaz out. C) I'm terrified of myself. I'm terrified of actually opening up to anyone so this feat is unusual to begin with and if it does happen it usually equates to a giant mess because I throw myself out of my comfort zone. D) Small things will add up to a larger equation. Sure you can't write your life cos you only know this book, but out of habbit I try, I'll see your plot line, your involment in the story, your characters relevance, and I'll see the woman at the supermarkets plotline, her involvement, her effect, her children, her husband whos never there because he'd rather see his friends at the pub then be a part of there lives. E) Its the you are far too close factor.
Combine a few of these and what do you get? A bit of a mess.
Thing is she got with me. She got with me. In the end. After so long of fighting for it she finally got with me. How long had I waited? Since October? ... Something like that. But here was one of the problems: She was with a girl when I met her, and shamelessly there it was, it started and obviously this girl knew. She knew for so long and I knew it drove her inside out and back again. Because its not nice seeing the girl your desperately in love with play you for a fool.
But such horrible things happened in the run up to now, things that hurt so much it was unreal. Things I thought had completely broke my spirit. I might just be a goldfish going around and around in a tank of water but these things really hurt. To begin with it was little things, she couldn't meet me, she was late, whatever... these things are easy enough to forgive. Then it was shit they've broken up, do I have my chance now? Am I finally going to get there? No. Don't be silly. Its still December. They get back together of course. Couple of things that just really are far to fresh.
Like the girl of my dreams being so there with me all week, being like so there, lulling me into this false sense of security, yes, this is nice, I'm sitting in the pub with my arm around you and I'm not really afraid of anything because yes this is happening. Its a warm fuzzy feeling, kinda like the relaxation of slipping into a bath. And then come the weekend I'm at a different pub, she's with the ex/the girl she was with when I met her. This is fine. They've got issues to sort out. They've got stuff to talk about. They've just broken up. Text message: Why are you paranoid? We're just finishing our drinks and then going to some hotel. I can feel that feeling now just thinking about it, my stomach falls out of my ass, I want to crawl into a little ball and weep because it hurt so much. Because all week, she'd made me believe it was happening, and it was happening soon. It was meant to be my turn. And instead I've got my beautiful imagination congouring up her face inbetween her ex's legs, bareback on the carpet. And thats all I need.
I'm angry for three days. And on the forth day I've given up and breakdown.
Another time. They'd broken up. And once again the girl of my dreams was on the phone to me. Her ex was down, going to a funeral, valid reasons to be down blah balh ablah. She was on the phone to me, she was telling me she'd got pissy at her this morning and they'd argued because her ex wouldn't go to McDonalds for breakfast. And then she said: If you kiss my flower, I'll go. So I did and then she didn't go! So matter o fact. Like she didn't care she'd just told me this. Like it meant nothing. Sure fuck your ex all morning and then share your experiences. That was the day I cut my leg up. And then my fingertips. And was pouring with so much blood I was terrified.
Yes. It still hurts. Its not alright now and it never was. Its so stupid... the amount thats happend, the volume, the intensity, just all for it is stupid. When we actually got together it felt too good to be true, why? Because her ex was down every weekend since they'd broken up. Because they slept in the same bed. Because she still told her ex she loved her. And I'm sorry but I don't care who you are. Anyone who has ever been with anyone and heard that come out of there other half said to there ex knows just how bloody painful it is. Its not fair. Its not nice.
Sure you can tell me I'm your everything now but when did you show me that when we were together? Two hours late when you were with her. And none of this: We're running late come over. No it was meet me at such and such and half eight. And then obviously, just like every other time for two hours I don't know where they are what there doing and for a good fourty five minutes I hear nothing. What would you think. Worried? What if somethings happened? Paranoid? Shes with her ex I wonder if shes forgotten me yet and started eating her out after dinner just because she knows its the only oppurtunity shes gonna get for a while.
I am not. Crazy. I have very valid reasons. I had every right to be paranoid. Sure. Argument could be: you were never leanient enough you just went off on one constantly. I know so many people that would have turned around and said the minute she said: She;s coming down this weekend. That would have said, its me or her. And if its her you can fuck off.
Look at this equation:

Me + Girlfriend = Good.

Me + Girlfriend + Girlfriends ex = excuse me what? she came down last weekend, surely you can wait five minutes and spend some time with me? But fine shes your friend. Whatever.

Me + Girlfriend + Girlfriends ex + Sharing a bed + Going on a road trip to she ex's friends and family + Constant lateness + I'm going to get really really drunk so I don't have to watch you saunter around the pub touching but not touching and put up with you telling me to sod off out of this little space because obviously its not something I need to know + This giant void between us that I cant seem to fill with anything because you keep saying your still there but I don't think you are. Cos from everything I'm reading from you, you don't want me in this room right now. You don't want me in your bed right now. And you haven't got off the damn phone to her all day and its starting to kill any faith I've got. + Your never going to listen anyway, because every time I start talking I see this vague bored expression on your face, or I ask a question and get laughed at. Or you do something else to make me feel two inches tall because you can belittle me and I'm starting to feel like you really enjoy it. + You making everything about you and never actually listening to what I'm saying, never actually letting me finish a sentance and for godsake! Let me get a word in edgeways last night has nothing to do with now. Those few good days didn't solve anything because your still not listening your just making it all go in a big fucking circle ending with the question: Do you love me? + I need some space. Your in my face constantly and because your in my face constantly this situation is in my head constantly and is just going around and around and around and whenever I write something like this in my blog I get a: You nasty cow. Or Fuck you. Because your just making it about you again and not listening to a word I'm saying, just blasting it out of context and expecting it to all be alright when you kiss it away or fuck me all night. = ..... I can't do this anymore.

I could actually go on... and on ... and on... about it all... tell you how we'd sit in the same room on opposite sides. This obviously makes me think I'm not wanted and crave human contanct. And obviously this entire equation leaves me wanting a little affection... a little security and damn fucks sake I wanted to feel like I was more then someone to shag in the week while her ex wasn't there... I wanted to feel valued and loved and like she really gave a damn.
Its funny how so much can kinda open up your eyes and make you drag yourself out of that little place known as 'in love'. Because If its this hard in the first 16 days. What would it be like in six months. My prediction is I wouldn't have been faithful. I would have found some affection somewhere else because I knew just how alone I was begining to feel. You'd be surprised what coming over once in a while and cuddling me does. You'd be surprised what saying: 'Baby stop it nothing is going to happen and if it did I'd tell you in a heartbeat.' does.
Punchline is this: I am not crazy. And hopefully. This will be the last time I disect this. Because to be honest I'd like to forget it.

Rodney times

This is the second time I've tried to watch a film today, first Jumper and now X-men 3 the last stand.
I should write, but there's an issue with this today, its uncomfortable to sit still let alone to type for an hour and a half and whisk myself away on some beautiful plane of existence within myself. I can only sit and dream and read and now try the impossible task of attempting to watch a film. Maybe enjoying the last of Easter egg would be a good plan, along with this feat of concentration.
I'm a little in love with my most recent book, I say recent, its not really, its a book I bought months and months ago thick, heavy and written so richly it makes for slightly heavier reading then I'm used to. The Gone Away World. I managed to find myself a signed copy of said book, this drawing me to the blurb and the first few pages as much as anything else. I started reading this book yesterday 176 pages so far. I'd consider this good going as its been so long since I've read properly. I'm not the fastest reader, I savour words too much and require a little extra time to absorb things. Easy to overwhelm. The intensity of this book is a little overwhelming to say the least, so I'm trying to take my time trying to keep my head on and plodding through it.
Rodney and I agree that this neck thing is either a very good thing or a bad thing. We both think its definitely Karma. Good because it means I can live in a bubble for a while keep to myself and heal over after yesterdays breakdown of epic proportion. Yesterday it most definitely all came out. All the pain, worry, frustration and everything else that I've just put in a box and stacked on a shelf suddenly exploded out of me which is why it took so long for me to actually pull myself together and why it was so intense. Put it in a box and the box will eventually wrestle free of the shelf and the little gremlin inside will drag everything out of it and then start trashing the rest of your boxes and ripping everything out of them.
And today I feel something. Not boxed up or bottled up or pushed down or hidden away. Today very open. Today very willing and able. Rodney times, are good soft times. A little comfort from a teddy always seems to heal the soul.

Just a typical Monday

My evening last night consisted of crawling into bed in a feeble position and weeping to Moulin Rouge and then dropping off at three in the morning.
My morning however. Really. What else can go wrong. I woke up this morning sleeping light. Felt very tired but I was awake... mom had made me a sausage, bacon and egg sandwich, I'm guessing she felt relatively guilty for being an arse yesturday. This was okay. This was the start of a good morning. And then I sit up and the right side of my neck is aching for a crack. So this combination of events happens, I sit up I'm still semi diagonal, reach up to grab the side of my neck and start off the first crack of the morning. CRUNCH!?!?!! ..... AGRHAGRHAGHA>!>!!!>!>!?!!?!?!?!
No that wasn't a crack. That was the sound of the muscles between my right ear and the top of my right shoulder fucking up. Or at least I'm hoping it was. So now I'm sitting here, still in my dressing gown, my right shoulder refuses to work and my neck is all but immobilized. No. This isn't a good day.
What else can go wrong?

Just wish didn't feel like there was something I missed

I am incredibly bored of my own company. I practically had to beg for people to come out last night, and even then only a girl who is dying for me to get into her pants would come out after work and then I ended up going around my mates house. My parents are silently waring, which isn't really silent, I don't know what it is, maybe they need to have a good shag and fight it all out or maybe its because we were a whole eight grand short of paying the morgage. How do I know this, well its pretty easy when you find bills on the side.
So there going at each others like dogs in a ring, and around half four when me and my dad got in from my nans mum started on me, started digging and having pops at me for no reason. Yes. I'm aware I'm far from the perfect daughter, I get it. But why don't you just leave me the fuck alone.
My parents must be so fucking proud of me really. The failure at life. 'How not to do it' written by me, dedicated to everyone I've ever smashed to bits. Including myself.
I need to go out. I need to get drunk and fall down and get run over by a train. I hate the world today. I really hate it. And I hate myself more. Everything I touch clearly turns into shit and I just want to burn everything.
I just feel.... so... angry... at everything. I want to punch things and make them break and shatter and die. I'm meant to be doing well. I'm not meant to be this fucking volitile.

Funky if your nasty darlin'

Good morning, or afternoon... so last night I was hit by a mental train. As I usually am. I felt flooded and empty and needed company to drink my sorrows into oblivion and have a laugh. Oddly enough that didn't really happen as I expected.
Went to my regular and sat with a pint at the bar, cider before you ask, and let myself feel that grief finally let myself feel a little bit of ache and it was more then a little bit. But its okay. Its okay to ache. I ended up going to a mates house and sitting with an old friend and we talked and I decided privately that I was just feeling a little put out because of the volume of change.
An hour or two is a sacred thing when you just need a few kind words and to be told it'll all be alright and you will get through. I know this already, but I needed to hear it from someone else. I haven't been alright for a long time, longer then the past week or two or month. Pretty much every one's guessed this by now from my posts. But I'm doing well, I'm not in two week cycles of breaking down at college on various tutors. Which is something I really want to leave behind and never face again. I have sat at some of my lowest moments in rooms at college covered in tears and shaking like a leaf in a hurricane. This is not something I'd have ever expected to happen.
Yeah, I'm doing very well, bringing it back, putting more control over myself, not such a mess, not such a train wreak. Touch wood, just sorting it.
Someone I met, in October... September time last year said something to me last night that really took me by surprise. I was surprised that it came out of her out of everyone in the room. We'll just call her Ralph for the purpose of writing said conversation:
RALPH: You'll get through
ME: Yeah I know, its just getting there.
RALPH: That road is only as long as you make it.
!?! Hang about. Did I hear that right. That little gem of wisdom came out of YOU!?! This is the girl who I took great interest in because of her musical ability, always being chained to a guitar and singing sweet lyrics that really tugged at my heart strings to the point of distraction. We had a short encounter and after this I decided she lacked any depth and internal intimacy with her emotion. But this, completely proved me wrong. Under that rugged, tomboy, mouthy exterior was some depth, a well hidden depth but there none the less.
And this, was exactly what I needed to hear. That road is only as long as you make it.
So I'm trying a new thing. I'm accepting the unknown and all of its flaws and faults and scary terrors that lurk in dark corners. I'm accepting failure. I'm accepting loss and the impression of being completely forgotten and replaced. I'm accepting all of this and have come to this one little insignificant detail. I really don't care. I don't give a damn how vile it is or will be. My world is not over with. There's far worse that has happened and I really don't care about this. It happened. Shit happens.
I'm okay. I'm aching from exercising everyday since who knows when. I'm really aching from jogging yesterday. And sure there might be a little ache inside my ribcage, but she's okay really cos she knew better then to get to far in this time, she knew better then to give herself away.
Maybe this means I'm starting to catch on. Maybe I'm starting to break the habit and learn. Just maybe, I'm starting to get it. Maybe finally, its actually sinking in. Which is a reason to smile.

plc.4. mie haed

Linkin Park lyrics. Album Reanimation.
I want to be in another place
I hate when you say you don’t understand
I want to be in the energy
Not with the enemy
A place for my head

I watch how the moon sits in the sky on a dark night
Shining with the light from the sun
But the sun doesn’t give the light to the moon assuming the moon’s going to owe it one
It makes me think of how you act to me
You do favors then rapidly
You just turn around and start asking me about things that you want back from me

I’m sick of the tension
Sick of the hunger
Sick of you acting like I owe you this
Find another place to feed your greed
While I find a place to rest
I’m so sick of the tension
Sick of the hunger
Sick of you acting like I owe you this
Find another place to feed your greed
While I find a place to rest

I want to be in another place
I hate when you say you don’t understand
You’ll see it’s not meant to be
I want to be in the energy
Not with the enemy
A place for my head

I want to be in another place
I hate when you say you don’t understand
You’ll see it’s not meant to be
I want to be in the energy
Not with the enemy
A place for my head

Two, two, three, three
Yo, yo, yo
Give me Energon to keep me calm
You and your mom keep all the dram
Used to be a team, passed that baton
But you flop that bomb as you drop that bomb
Take it to the john in your babylon
Flushed down with the sound that you carry on
I don’t really give a dang
You p****d on my lawn
Took a dump like a punk
Now the battle’s on

So sick of you stressing
Sick of you fessing
Sick of you acting like I owe you some
Find another place
To feed your face
If you don’t, we gon’ bump
Get it up here, crunk
So sick of you stressing
Sick of you fessing
Sick of you acting like I owe you some
Find another place to feed your face
If you don’t, we gon’ bump
Get it up here, crunk

I want to be in another place
I hate when you say you don’t understand
You’ll see it’s not meant to be
I want to be in the energy
Not with the enemy
A place for my head

I want to be in another place
I hate when you say you don’t understand
You’ll see it’s not meant to be
I want to be in the energy
Not with the enemy
A place for my head

You try to take the best of me
You try to take the best of me, go away
You try to take the best of me
You try to take the best of me, go away
You try to take the best of me
You try to take the best
Go, go away
You try to take the best of me, go away
You try to take the best of me, go away
You try to take the best of me, go away
You try to take the best of me, go away
You try to take the best of me, go away
You try to take the best of me, go away
You try to take the best of me, go away
You try to take the best of me (stay away from me), go away
You try to take the best of me, go away
You try to take the best of me, go away
Stay away from me

Yes... the last verse I keep screaming at myself in the mirror.

M is for Octopus

There it is. God there it is. Right in my head. Sitting there in beautiful simplicity. I've got linkin park screaming in my headphones. And there it is.... right there... the groove. The wave of nothingness and everything that I road for years with such ease when I was young. There it is. Just so simple. So easy to reach. There it is. The groove. Just the groove. The ability to create something from white paper. The ability to keep going and going and going and I could keep going all night, just because. Just because I can. Yes. Its there again. Open the flood gates and feel it right there just release.
M is for Octopus: I799 words.

In my mind I'm currently standing in the widest expanse of land, there is simply nothing, just barren wasteland, broken fences and a swell of grey and black cloud trembiling for a thunderstorm. I am standing on a rock, blood pouring from my palms, fingers finally stretched open letting the wounds bleed. Locked in the deepest euphoria. The earth swallows my blood and feeds off it, dirt churns and begins vomiting the living, the wind gathers up around me and there is a silent explosion, like a hushed sigh and opening my eyes its real. Its true my sweet wasted land, your god is home.
"Welcome back to yourself. We've missed you."

Relief

That which removes or lessens evil, pain, discomfort, uneasiness, etc.; that which gives succor, aid, or comfort; also, the person who relieves from performance of duty by taking the place of another; a relay.

Relief: I believe now, that all is right in the world. I'm single. Shes doing whatever. With who ever. Which is fine. But I am incarcerated no more. No more cages. Freedom to breathe. There is just one thing I'd like to do right now: run barefoot in the mud. Liberation is a beautiful thing.

Today I crossed paths with a butterfly...

And she said: 'Be still child. You'll work it out tomorrow.'

Day old blues

Something is very wrong. How do I know this? I can't stand the sight of food. Yesturday I had one meal, two attempts to get a full meal into my body but one meal, half from home and half from a sushi bar. Today I ate half of my sunday lunch and I'm making myself eat chocolate to at least give me some form of energy.
So I haven't really been able to eat since friday. It'll be fine... give it till weds I should be fine, I'll have a routine back at any rate.
Went out last night had an amazing time. Danced from eleven to stupid o clock in the morning and drank about... 6 vks and a wkd so wasn't off my face in the slightest, my stomach decided to try and vomit on me part way through the night so I stopped drinking and got on the tap water. When we left the club I was in a foul mood. But I always am at 3am when I just want to sleep. And I'd been woken up cos I was dozing off on a sofa cos I was that tired. How anyone can sleep through that base.... and really its that loud in there I'm sure the floor shakes. My brain felt like moosh anyway. What a feat.... did I mention the other day I stretched my ears to 10mm. :D I'm very chuffed. No split, no bleed, it hurt like feck but was an alright stretch... no problems so far.
My ears are doing what they always seem to, left ones settled relatively quick, the right is still tender.
My tattoo has stopped scabbing and is just extremely itchy at the best of times, not scratching it though, I'll post a picture eventually the cover up is relatively good, its not perfect, but it looks soo much better then it did so I'm completely happy with it. Its the area where the previous tattoo was thats so irratable... its really annoying :(
So yeah. I feel shocking. I'm tired. Pretty wreaked... feel like bits of me are kinda dying. Think its getting close to shoe box time.

Months to build seconds to destroy

I'm officially moving from one hour to the next, as if its all I'm really living for. Its a fundamental question: What am I doing next?
Where am I going next? What happens next?
So I'm avoiding this question, or these various questions. I could very easily rant up a new set of issues etc. But I'm not going to, because I've said it all, for now anyway.

So tonight: What do I wear? This is a small issue I can deal with. What to wear....? Easier then... what the fuck is going to happen with your girlfriend.

Dear Pilgrim....

Dear Pilgrim,
I'm aware I shouldn't really post anything about you on here because you hate it. I'm aware that your probably going to take this in completely the wrong light but I'm not trying to upset, provoke or cause any irritations. I'm going to try and keep the dramatics to a minimum and try and keep the metaphors out of this and just speak plainly. Because I have a problem. The problem is: there is so much building up inside of me and I'm just about ready to burst. Just before you get upset at me for writing to you like this, in full view of everyone, just listen, please. Just listen and accept and hear me.
Sometimes I feel cracked. Like the only sane person on earth when everyones telling me I'm out of my mind, I'm crazy, I'm irrational, I'm paranoid, I'm obsessive, etc. etc. etc. You know I can see things playing out, because I'm a little out of touch with reality and in all honesty I'm just very aware of every little subtle fleck in peoples body language, there speech, the things they do. I know not everythings logical, and not everything is so up and down, black and white, right and wrong. You know my problems. I'm incapable of having anyone close because I'm incapable of watching anyone go, I'm incapable with dealing with pain. I don't deal with pain, I don't deal with grief and I don't deal well with emotion.
And you are so far away now. So distant. If I was anyone else on earth I'm sure you'd be texting me a hundred times a day. If I was anyone else.... I dunno. I'm just so tired of waiting around for my slot in your life because you seem to choose when you want me and when you don't. Its like a temporary thing constantly. I'm never at ease because I constantly feel like I'm dangling upside down over a void.
I don't think your honest with me. Or your as honest as you want to be. But there's so much you don't tell me and there's so much 'I don't need to know'. So really I don't feel part of your life. Never have. Because really I'm sure part of you loves me. But there's also a lot of you that loves someone else. That wants more then what I've got. I'm inadequate really, I'm the charmer, not the one you want to take home and make a permanent part of your life. Just the girl you got with because you could.
I've got to this point before. I've thought, well felt it, felt it in my gut: Maybe it would just be better if I left you alone - because currently your bored of me, you don't really want to speak to me, you don't really want to cuddle up to me, you don't really want me anywhere near you.... so why am I here?
This would probably be the point where you'd stop me, tell me to stop being a daft and probably say: 'But wasn't it so good the other night?' or 'But don't we have so much fun together?' or something. Just cut me off in my tracks. Making me unable to say want I need to, want I so desperately want to.
Yes its true, I'm terrified of you vanishing. Its a built in phobia from the entire of my life being one big mess of friends coming and going and vanishing and backstabbing and upsetting and whispering and being malicious on purpose. Its one big mess of the people I trust the most always end up being the ones who hurt me or leave me or treat me like crap or whatever. But its not just all of this previous crap. Its because I can see you going away. I can see you slipping away from me slowly. You don't want me around when shes there and by god don't I know it, don't I feel it in every cell in my body.
Maybe I've got it all wrong again. But how many times have I just.... reached this same place with you. Its like a never ending cycle. Sure I've won the battle I'm with you, amazing. But I don't think your really with me. I don't think your crazy about me. I don't think its me who drives you wild beyond belief. Cos I don't feel you there anymore, not like you were.
Maybe you just enjoy chasing after me or who ever else it might be. Maybe you want to be with me so badly its untrue but there's just ... something you can't explain in the way something that's just not doing it for you or its to easy or its to boring.
I've said to you before that if you messed around behind my back I'd never speak to you again, those scary scary words. Either I'm seriously delusional... or I've tasted it on you... and I've smelt it on you and it really wasn't me... I don't think I could never speak to you again. Unless I left the country after smashing my phone and banning myself from all Internet usage. I don't want to know when and where and how many times. I just want to know if I'm right. Or if I'm wrong. I want to know if you really mine or you just not quite there and can't figure out how to tell me. I just want a little truth. A little honesty. Cos I feel like there's so much not said. Please. Mercy. I'm begging you for answers. Because I'm so right here and I want to know if your with me or not. And if your not put me out of my misery because it hurts too much. Just fix this please. Fix this giant crack in my head, if your not a hundred per cent for me then its not enough.
We've just got together and it should be easy now. If its this hard now then what will it be like in six months? Please I'm tired of tearing myself apart and not knowing what to do with myself.
Rescue me.... just rescue me? If you want to get angry and tell me I'm stupid and your sick of this going around and around and around go for it. But all of this really isn't going away. It won't be dealt with tomorrow or the next day or the next day. It won't be alright.
Am I right or am I not?
I'm guessing your probably going say something like: if I said you were wrong you wouldn't believe me anyway! And maybe your right. Maybe I wouldn't. But I'd try my fucking hardest to if I knew you really meant it. Maybe its just a complex. Maybe I'm making something out of nothing. But this is just how I feel. And if it wasn't said I'd still feel it, it'd still be there and I'd just get more and more wound up.
You want me to tell you things. Maybe this is a stupid way to tell you. Maybe trying to open up and pour myself all over my blog is a stupid idea. But I don't know what else to do.
Don't be with me just to make me happy.

Love.

Thus spoke Jimmy Hyde:

She says: Mercy.

Its a disgusting feeling....

I'm a little bit frightened.....
Okay... a lot frightened.
Had big panics last night, to the point I was shaking and was nearly sick on the side of the road. I'm getting my ink done today...... and am feeling a little... volitile and erratic. But thats fine because the buzz of a needle and ink will bring me back to earth.
Need to bleed....
Need to run...
Need to hide.

Not really.... very happy at the current moment.

:/

I'm aware its been a while. I think I'm just a little lost for words.

Stop and stare, I think I'm moving but I go no where

Emotion is a fundamental part of living. You can't get away from it. Its a solitary thing. A single stream of uncontrollable conciousness from inside you out.
I feel.... tired. Constantly. I'm not lacking sleep today, I slept from half one this morning to twelve this afternoon. I'm fed. I'm relatively content. I'm alive. Theres oxygen in my body. I haven't drank since wednsday. I feel quite low. Like I'm lacking attachment to anything. The suns out. I think I might shower, get my shorts on and sit in my garden and write. Whether or not I'm productive is another question.
Not sure where I've gone....? Somewhere....

Before sleep

Today's been one of those. I'm really appreciating the little things today. Like, coming home to my bed and realising its one of the comfiest places in the world. This is a beautiful feeling. Earlier I was thinking: my bed hair clearly looks so much better then when I style it. I didn't particularly run anywhere today. But little things today. Like my bacon and egg sarnie. Like random cuddles with a close mate in the pub. Today its just been nice being alive, in a funny sort of way I'm appreciating it instead of dreading tomorrow, or the next hour. I'm not sure why.
Today I won at something. Pool. Not just a game. Killer pool. Pool played with many people for money. And yeah it was a whole eight quid but I won. I never win at anything. Maybe it was because I was the only sober one in the room. But I don't care.
I feel sick again.
I'm still so tired. Its like a never ending exhaustion.

Ilene-fucking-chaiken-land

Today has been a bit of a duvet day. I woke up at ten to a bacon an egg sarnie. Ate less then half of it and then spent nearly two hours staring at my ceiling. I got out of bed for tea. Nothing more nothing less. Just tea, and then the dog joined me in bed and I started watching the latest series of the L word, series 6, the finally - apparently.
So my thoughts: Its dreadfully short. This series, is a whole 8 episodes long. For anyone who has no clue what I'm on about the L word is a lesbian soap that documents pretty well the drama and chaos in an regular lesbian day.

• Season 1: 14 Episodes
  
• Season 2: 13 Episodes
  
• Season 3: 12 Episodes (Why am I seeing a pattern here?)
  
• Season 4: 12 Episodes (Oh look pattern broken)
  
• Season 5: 12 Episodes (Okay... this is still good 12 is a nice respectable number)
  
• Season 6: 8 Episodes (What...!? EIGHT!!? IS THAT IT?! WHY EIGHT!?!)
  

You can imagine my distress. Following this happy happy little tv program for years now. And the last bloody season has EIGHT episodes. What outrage. For any fans out there that haven't seen season 6 look away now. Spoilers.
So. Jenny dies. And who kills Jenny. NOBODY KNOWS. Because this is 'the L word land' so if somebody knows who kills Jenny fucking Schecter let me know. Because I'm rather irritated. In a perfect world, this series would end like this:

• Jenny Dies [X] (WOOOP THAT ONE HAPPENED!!!)
• Bette and Tina don't move to NY and adopt Max's baby, leaving Tom to realise he's an arse and come back and marry Max (Oh and Max would learn that facial hair is really a no no) [?]
• Dana is raised from the grave to rescue Alice while Tash and Jamie get it on because there so clearly made for each other. [?]
• Helena would realise shes becoming an alcoholic and would in fact stop drinking because its fueling her paranoia and her trust issues. Which in turn would mean Dylan would return after a decent haircut and return to the fit little bit she was and marry Helena and there would be a big happy ending [?]
• Kit and that drag queen will marry and be nice and happy together. (its on the way I can tell therefore it gets an X) [X]
• Molly will realise Shane didn't get her letter and come back to find that Carmen is back on the block and will be maid of honour at Shane and Carmen's wedding. Because that's what was supposed to happen to begin with. [?]
• Jenny and Shane never had a romantic relationship and the entire thing was a bad dream on Shane's part and she wakes up to realise shes back in season three and is back with Carmen. [?]
• Oh and Shay is rescued from his horrible horrible father and Shane, Carmen and Shay live happily ever after. [?]
• And Tim will realise he is responsible for Jenny's death and will suffer a horrible horrible suicide through alcohol poisoning out of guilt for Jenny's death and for driving her into the arms of a woman which consequently started the entire of the bloody L word. [?]
• And then Marina will appear, not a psycho, not insane, not depressed and completely over Jenny and the south of France! And she will be gorgeous and amazing again! [?]
• Oh oh oh ohoh oh ohohhhh!?! AND IT TURNS OUT THAT ADELE KILLED JENNY BECAUSE SHES A PSYCHO OH AND WHERE WAS THAT TART BY THE WAY?!?!? WHY DID SHE JUST VANISH INTO THE VOID!?! REALLY REALLY REALLY!?! STUPID STUPID STUPID!?!?! [?]
  

BUT DOES ANY OF THIS HAPPEN!?! NO!?!!?!!!?!!?! Because this is fucking Ilene Chaiken land!?! Why does the season end so quickly?!! BECAUSE SHE RAN OUT OF IDEAS!?!! *tantrum* WHY IS IT SO BLOODY INFURIATING?! BECAUSE IS ILENE CHAIKEN LAND!?!!?!!?

Anyway. Back to my life. My parents have decided there turning half the garden into a farm. Or an allotment. Depending on how your looking at it. Unfortunately my pleas for chickens, a goat called Magic and a pig have been ignored.
I am rather disappointed. :( I really want a goat called Magic. :(
Oh and did I mention there's going to be a spin off show? Oh yes believe it. Its going to be called 'the Farm' and Alice stays. Its going to be about a bunch of dykes stuck in prison, so clearly Alice is framed, because Alice is far to nice to kill Jenny.

She's always looking at me....

Horoscope

There is an exciting surprise coming your way today, and it's going to push a few of your carefully-made plans off the track -- but you've been hoping for more spontaneous energy in your life, so this will be a very good thing! You'll be delighted by the unexpected developments and you'll be happy to be flexible. You can accommodate whatever has to happen. Plus, you'll find new appreciation for the unknown. This is a great day to build a new tradition and leave an outdated one far behind you

Spontaneous energy? you lie. Pssh. Unexpected developments? Where? Flexible? Does this mean I'm getting some at last? Urgh.

another day... in this life.

I'm am horrifically tired. I spent most of the night awake, picturing my eventual self destruction and could do nothing but picture it.
I cut my arms up elbow to wrist and then take it too far and cut across whatever vein and my mother finds me. Problem with empathising with the main character too much is, you know someone will always find away to save you. Self indulgent. Self absorbed. I have visions of me walking into the pub bandaged up. Refusing drink and getting copped by a few friends who are horrified. And then getting sent away into a supposed 'safe' place. Sectioned. For lack of a better word.
My brain is throbbing. So tired. Just one more day and then I can fall apart. Just one more day. I just need to make it through today and I can be as much as a shambles as I want. Two weeks off and I need to have a very scary conversation with my dad about making a doctors appointment.
I'm afraid, there's nothing more to say.

bang.................'shite is that.... is that your eye?'

Today I promised one of my lecturers that I was going to seek medical help.
I've had this conversation with her millions of times in my head, sometimes I'm screaming, smashing her face in and the conversation ends with her sailing out of the third story window. Other times I do nothing but break down.
Today I did nothing but break down. And I'm so full of this emotion that it comes again and again and again and I don't even know why now. No ones died. I'm not dying of some disease. I just can't seem to win. My entire life is one big failure. Because everything I try to do amounts to nothing.
Yes I'm being negative. I'm irrational and not in my right mind. But the fundamental law of my life is: I always lose.
Apparently its not a defeat to admit you need help. But why do I feel like it is? I'm nineteen? I shouldn't be this troubled. I can't deal with stress. I put far too much pressure on myself. And I'm terrified. And I know theres at least one person on this earth that is going to be reading this and make this post about them. It'll be something like: Why did you say that it makes me feel so bad? Or I don't like you being sad. Or I don't like your latest post. But before you decide to text me some bullshit about how you don't like me being sad or how you don't like my latest post because it makes you feel so very upset. Take this into consideration. This is my blog. This is my space. And I'll post what I fucking please because if I don't put it here where the hell am I going to put it?
Anyway. Tangent. I'm terrified. Of what? The unknown. The new. The lets throw you out of your comfort zone. The: oh my life I have no fucking clue what I'm going to do. I'm frightened. What am I meant to do? What!? WHAT IS IT!?! Run hide? Go? Leave? Stay? What?! Go forwards go backwards go left go right? What is it!?! Cos I don't bloody know. All I know is that I'm sitting with my laptop on across my legs, crying again, shaking again caught halfway between panic and hysteria.
There's too much in my head. At this rate I'm on a one way trip to crazy town.
And this is the odd thing. Ten seconds after describing myself crying shaking etc. I shut down completely and it all goes away. Its like this six inches of runway. I'm sitting at one airport and before I know it I've screamed my way down to the other airport and I'm at a completely different place. And how do I feel? Sick. Tired. Dead inside. I feel like someone has taken a giant chainsaw and cut me in half and my guts are kinda sloshing around all over the place.
I'm now sitting in the erratic place. Mild panic, mild disorder, I feel ill and fuzzyheaded. I've eaten. I'm tired. This happened earlier. Its like my head isn't attached to my shoulders. The bit inbetween my ears is really heavy.
I think I'm actually going mad. Little bit confused.

Time is relative...

...to the time spent wasting it.
I won't lie to you I don't believe in time. If time was purely real, moments of your life wouldn't last several years and several years wouldn't last moments. Soon I have two weeks off. And for this I am more then grateful because I will turn these two weeks into two years and simply exist because its what I'm supposed to do.
I'm a little bit hungover. Yesterday I decided college was cancelled, so I could spend my evening doing things of more importance. Like going to the pub and having good times with a few close friends. The problem with this is hanging out with someone you haven't seen for ages - you suddenly realise how small the world is. The knowing everyone in the pub you don't. So small. Or is that just the lesbian community?
I'm quite sleepy again, quite, tired in a 'thank god' kind of way. Currently I'm just very very willing to curl up in my blanket and sleep. But that could be because I had a horrible night's sleep. I got home at one, after walking home, and I was awake and then asleep and then awake and then asleep and in a horrible amount of pain because I came on yesterday. So lying in bed asking myself why I was gifted with a uterus turned into creeping down stairs in the search of painkillers at 3:40. And after that it was plain sailing. Just sleeps. Nothing less.
I think may be, I've caught up with myself, if that makes any sense? I still don't really want to talk, I don't want answers to questions. And I think that's best for now. I've been racing for so long that I've kind of stopped and let my feet catch up.
A fair bit of Monday I wanted to be sick, not through feeling ill, or eating too much or not eating enough. Tuesday wasn't so bad and my appetites back. And today? Today is just another day.
I think its time to play Squeaky.