It's been a while again. I have spent the last two days making origami cranes and I've hung eighteen from my ceiling and have taken to blowing air at them to make them fly around each other.
I'm having... trouble. I have spent the last near enough two weeks in bed. Well nearly in bed. I have moved through the house like a ghost only really surfacing to see a friendly face someone who kinda reaches into me and drags me out of this little cage I've put myself in. Last week my mom had the week off, which meant she saw the day to day routine, of going to bed late, waking up at half one, getting dressed at five, sitting, doing nothing, surviving, breathing. I have filled my time with paper folding, I haven't raged and ranted and cried my bleeding heart out. I've sat. And filled myself with nothing because now I think I really know what loss is.
I am feeling so lost. Just adrift in a sea of women drama and women chaos and women words. I think the gravity of it all has finally sunk into me and I hurt. I ache in a place I've never ached before. Something that doesn't surface, it just seems to bury deeper and deeper and this self isolation is beginning to consume me.
I'm glad of one thing out of all of this, there is someone actively there, I get at least a text message every day, she drags me out of the house and for a few hours its like there's a hand on the wound and the pain stops pouring out of me. I feel fucked up and used beyond recognition.
I'm completely exhausted, I'm not eating right, I'm not sleeping properly and I know exactly what I should be doing, I should be pulling myself together, I just.... lack the strength anymore.
I am not wallowing, I'm occupying my mind with a lack of thought, there's this big mental block, I refuse to think anymore, I just exist as a body with a mind inside it.
Have you ever felt like, the universe was saying one thing and one thing alone to you? Its not laughing at you, there is no conspiracy against you, your completely rational and logical, but everything that happens around you is separate from you so you become like this particle drifting along in an ocean because there's nothing left to worry about or think about or get upset about or get paranoid about or stress about and actually because your so wrapped up in yourself, if anything did happen it would just glance off you like water off a ducks back. And that one thing is only this: Welcome to your life. You've always been living it, but never really paying that much attention because your so good at surrounding yourself with people that make drama to entertain themselves because they have nothing else in life. So welcome to your life.
Maybe I've got this chance to better myself now. Maybe I've got this massive opportunity to sit back and become that recluse I've always predicted I'd become. I'm not waiting for anything anymore. I'm not waiting for life to start with someone. Because suddenly it feels like I've got my life back, its not dictated by someone, its not someone elses business all the time, its like I have myself back.
But oddly. As beautiful as this revelation is, I know one thing: I am not alright. But I will be.
I have not fallen into a drunken whirlwind of one night stands and making an ass of myself. I will be alright and not for anybody else's benefit. I will be alright for me. I will answer to me. I will not be owned or belong to anyone. I will not be someones play thing, or just this person to get attention of when someone elses is lonely.
I'm bitter. I'm cynical. I've accepted this. I'm angry. Very angry. So much so that one day I believe I will breathe fire and smoke will come out of my ears because all of it. Letting go has never been an issue for me. Accepting things are gone also not an issue. Accepting what people have done is an issue. I see no karma or justification for it. But someday. It will happen, whether or not I'm there to see it.
I'm not talking to anyone today because the people around me, or at least most of them wouldn't listen, and if they did it would be to indulge me and then complain about it later. Or they would expect something profound and unsettling to spring forth. There is one thing I've never taken into consideration, every day of my life I've tried to relate to people, tried to talk, tried to listen, tried to get just one person on this earth to understand even a little bit of who I am, sure they get the surface, they get the mannerisms they get the strange sense of humour and the bizzarity. But they never get me. They never see whats under the surface, they pretend, they really do, but here's the thing, the ultimate cruncher that is destined to change my view of 'people' forever and a day: Nobody will ever understand me, like I do.
Its impossible for anyone to understand the intricate detail of every emotion and reaction because they don't feel the way you do. So why trust someone with that detail? Why trust someone to take a peak inside and see what your made of? I will never make that mistake again.
Sure it is a mistake really to put all of this here, because it is so personal and so public at the same time. And sure really this is a pile of self indulgent crap anyway and nobody cares.
Its wrong in fact because if a certain person reads this I'd get it in the neck because this is how I feel and god me i'm not allowed to have a broad spectrum of emotion. But the thing is, this is just a computer screen to me, these are just words, what you make of them is different to what I make of them. And really how I depict my emotion is as good as fiction to you anyway.
Thursday, 20 August 2009
Sunday, 26 July 2009
Euphoria
Saturday I had the best night of my life. It consisted of my friends BBQ. Drinking from four in the afternoon, eating very little and finding this amazing place within myself. I drank a fair bit at my friend's house but when we got on the town I threw the vodka down my throat and when we moved from the pub to the club... I found myself very lashed but completely unrestrained.
If you've ever locked yourself in a box, with all your insecurity and doubt and suddenly exploded out of that into the euphoria of an evening, you'll know where it was I went. I found myself completely free, I was flying mentally, I didn't care if I looked like a prat, I was just completely gone out in a freefall and nothing could've stopped me.
Half the night escapes me even now, because I was in a different place, happy, just blissfully happy, I got in at half two this morning rolled into bed and couldn't sleep, woke up at seven and couldn't go back to sleep, drifted off eventually and then woke up at eleven.
Needless to say I haven't moved very far since I woke up. But that doesn't matter.
If you've ever locked yourself in a box, with all your insecurity and doubt and suddenly exploded out of that into the euphoria of an evening, you'll know where it was I went. I found myself completely free, I was flying mentally, I didn't care if I looked like a prat, I was just completely gone out in a freefall and nothing could've stopped me.
Half the night escapes me even now, because I was in a different place, happy, just blissfully happy, I got in at half two this morning rolled into bed and couldn't sleep, woke up at seven and couldn't go back to sleep, drifted off eventually and then woke up at eleven.
Needless to say I haven't moved very far since I woke up. But that doesn't matter.
Tuesday, 21 July 2009
Nothing Lasts
It was as if she had taken one of those pastry cutters, the kind used for cutting biscuits, pressed it into my chest for long enough and then went away with a big bit of muscle, still beating in the shape. And I was truely miserable.
Monday, 20 July 2009
Forever is Never
Some days the people who rescue us are never the people we expect. I usually imagine the most beautiful woman on earth sweeping me up on a horse to ride off into the sunset, and then we'd find her home was a beautiful fairy castle and we'd make mad passionate love on every surface within this castle before me lying in her arms and her telling me just how okay it was.
I slowed down somewhat, a lot really, took a good look at the situation I was in and today it finally ended. Thus ends this relationship for the last time. Nothing happened, the sky did not shatter into a million pieces and time did not freeze completely... I did not walk down the road howling in pain while my face reddened with tears, there was no thunderstorm, there was no cinematic afterward, I was not struck down by a vehicle, I did not run and have others follow. There was no music in the background, there was only blue skies and sunshine. Instead it was a 19 year old boy, out of the blue texting me asking me if I would be down the pub Thursday. A brief conversation and some concern later and he actually did exactly what I needed at that moment. I needed to know I was doing something this week, I needed to know people cared and I needed to know that someone, if I needed them, would be there even if it was just to get pissed with and cover up the wounds with a bit of old rag.
A hundred entries in this thing, with a good portion missing actually, and talk about a journey. And I'm so weary. The inevitable destination has arrived. Woopee. Someone crack out the cider. So why is it that I feel nothing? Because I already knew? Yes. Because I've spent every day since I met her morning her loss, yes. Because I've been pushed and pulled to the point where I don't know whether I'm coming or going... yes. Or just maybe, at the very end I really did just let go and do what I always do when I know the end is near: harden up, slam the door and build a new wall to keep them out. I once described myself to a therapist, saying that my defenses were like liquid and I would freeze them around people depending on the circumstances the would not move, they would not breathe in my world until I commanded it. And when it was safe for them to return to my world and they would not be trampling all over sore bits, then and only then they would be able to walk free.
Really what I was trying to say was something close to the 'you will sit on the naughty step for x amount of minutes and think about what you've done.' And in a sense it works. And I think today I slipped back into my old shell and took back to it. Mix cornflour and water in a washing up bowl.... running your fingers through it slowly finds it a liquid, easy to maneuver in, yet apply and force or pressure and it acts like a solid and any force as in punching it with your hand will be, in a sense, thrown back at you by a slab of cornflower-water. Perfect metaphor. Basic physics. Who knew.
I slowed down somewhat, a lot really, took a good look at the situation I was in and today it finally ended. Thus ends this relationship for the last time. Nothing happened, the sky did not shatter into a million pieces and time did not freeze completely... I did not walk down the road howling in pain while my face reddened with tears, there was no thunderstorm, there was no cinematic afterward, I was not struck down by a vehicle, I did not run and have others follow. There was no music in the background, there was only blue skies and sunshine. Instead it was a 19 year old boy, out of the blue texting me asking me if I would be down the pub Thursday. A brief conversation and some concern later and he actually did exactly what I needed at that moment. I needed to know I was doing something this week, I needed to know people cared and I needed to know that someone, if I needed them, would be there even if it was just to get pissed with and cover up the wounds with a bit of old rag.
A hundred entries in this thing, with a good portion missing actually, and talk about a journey. And I'm so weary. The inevitable destination has arrived. Woopee. Someone crack out the cider. So why is it that I feel nothing? Because I already knew? Yes. Because I've spent every day since I met her morning her loss, yes. Because I've been pushed and pulled to the point where I don't know whether I'm coming or going... yes. Or just maybe, at the very end I really did just let go and do what I always do when I know the end is near: harden up, slam the door and build a new wall to keep them out. I once described myself to a therapist, saying that my defenses were like liquid and I would freeze them around people depending on the circumstances the would not move, they would not breathe in my world until I commanded it. And when it was safe for them to return to my world and they would not be trampling all over sore bits, then and only then they would be able to walk free.
Really what I was trying to say was something close to the 'you will sit on the naughty step for x amount of minutes and think about what you've done.' And in a sense it works. And I think today I slipped back into my old shell and took back to it. Mix cornflour and water in a washing up bowl.... running your fingers through it slowly finds it a liquid, easy to maneuver in, yet apply and force or pressure and it acts like a solid and any force as in punching it with your hand will be, in a sense, thrown back at you by a slab of cornflower-water. Perfect metaphor. Basic physics. Who knew.
Sunday, 19 July 2009
.... and then I looked out of my window and it was raining
If I leave myself away from people long enough a strange thing happens. Firstly I have an odd tantrum, consisting mostly of 'I don't want to be alone'. But eventually, if I pull away slowly enough and can then tolerate my own company again something very odd happens. I stop running. You know that rushing, snowball effect drama, stress and life can have? Its as if someone snaps there fingers and it all melts away. I can go where I wish. Do as I wish. And have to answer to no one. And I can find infinate peace in nothingness.
Bizzare no? I can say I've done my own thing since yesturday morning maybe before then actually, I'm not sure, and there it is. I am just myself I can dream, I can say what I wish and I can think how I like. I've no obligation to anyone but myself. And today I savour this feeling because eventually the bubble with burst.
For now the pain is far away, the hurt is numbed and seperate from myself. I am really a magician, an escape artist of sorts and strangely enough, leave me alone for long enough and the baggage vanishes, the memories of everything ever done in the past year are forgotten, the chaos subsides and out of that something else appears. And I like to think, that something else is myself. So for now at least, its nice to be lonely.
Bizzare no? I can say I've done my own thing since yesturday morning maybe before then actually, I'm not sure, and there it is. I am just myself I can dream, I can say what I wish and I can think how I like. I've no obligation to anyone but myself. And today I savour this feeling because eventually the bubble with burst.
For now the pain is far away, the hurt is numbed and seperate from myself. I am really a magician, an escape artist of sorts and strangely enough, leave me alone for long enough and the baggage vanishes, the memories of everything ever done in the past year are forgotten, the chaos subsides and out of that something else appears. And I like to think, that something else is myself. So for now at least, its nice to be lonely.
Friday, 17 July 2009
Okay...
So I never did too well at staying away from a perfectly good outlet.
So. First question: How do you feel? A mixture of a lot of things thank you. Second question: Whats life looking like for you? Gained a few inches I suppose. Still an angry bugger. Still demending. Still needy. Still alive.
Have you ever got to the point where you just want to be heard... you keep saying the words but there not really going anywhere and the words you are saying are all the wrong ones and then you find yourself kicking yourself up the arse because everything your saying isn't really you at all. Well thats what I feel like. Think its just about time to stop speaking and start writing it all down. In one way or another.
Come on you pissing titbag what the hell are you doing!!?! I feel so much like I'm banging my head against a brick wall and blood's starting to come out of my ears. And the wall isn't anyone else but myself. I'm rushing too much. Keep snow balling. Need to bloody stop it. Need a bloody kick up the arse and a reality check.
Okay okay okay. Its fine there's a lot of stress there... your not good with stress. What else? I'm terrified things are happening beyond my control. Okay firstly (a conversation purely for myself) your not in control of anything darling. Secondly if things are going to happen there going to happen so stop worrying stop. Right now. Stop it! Thirdly. Be good to yourself. If your winding yourself up about a stupid thing like that then your clearly damaging yourself to begin with! Yeah and I know you can't really sit down and have a conversation with yourself and tell yourself exactly what your doing wrong and explain how to fix it. And I know that somethings are just built into your personality. But really babe. Really. You are on the verge of loosing it all if you do not stop and THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU ARE DOING!!? Head connecting with wall please. Really!?! Why are we even having this conversation you know what your doing so why are you doing it?! Your frightened thats fine your entitled to be but the only person your really hurting here is yourself. Hell if your not on the verge of loosing it all you already have just because your a bloody bone head and won't listen to reason. Come on now. Your not this person. This is not you. You should not have turned into this person. Come on. Fix it now. You don't get an infinate number of chances and guess what matey your running out of them. Your arguments are solid yes you don't know whats going on, shes not letting you be there, shes pushing you away, you want to make it all better, you want to know what the right thing to say is, you want to be there, you want to feel like she can't breathe without you. But just stop right there and remember she's got a life too. And think about her priorities and exactly who it is she's really going to listen to. And really your a shitbag mate! COME ON!!!?! Don't lie down and just let her walk all over you but at least TRY and be bloody understanding!!?! And no more self loathing and self pity! You can do that in your own time just not around her! So your going to sort yourself out your going to be calmer, your going to respond like NORMAL people do to things and your going to stop being so bloody volitile otherwise we're really going to have words my friend. Put all your dangerous bang bang chaos chaos screamy scream shit in a box! And only open that box when you are a) being creative b) exercising!!? YES YOU HEARD ME YOU LAZY BASTARD! YOU NEED TO DO MORE! or c) whatever else might need an extra boost of energy. Your capible of a lot and you know it. You shouldn't be being this destructive. Wake up!!
Okay... I'm sure telling yourself off isn't something normal... but sure. Okay. So lets do this.
So. First question: How do you feel? A mixture of a lot of things thank you. Second question: Whats life looking like for you? Gained a few inches I suppose. Still an angry bugger. Still demending. Still needy. Still alive.
Have you ever got to the point where you just want to be heard... you keep saying the words but there not really going anywhere and the words you are saying are all the wrong ones and then you find yourself kicking yourself up the arse because everything your saying isn't really you at all. Well thats what I feel like. Think its just about time to stop speaking and start writing it all down. In one way or another.
Come on you pissing titbag what the hell are you doing!!?! I feel so much like I'm banging my head against a brick wall and blood's starting to come out of my ears. And the wall isn't anyone else but myself. I'm rushing too much. Keep snow balling. Need to bloody stop it. Need a bloody kick up the arse and a reality check.
Okay okay okay. Its fine there's a lot of stress there... your not good with stress. What else? I'm terrified things are happening beyond my control. Okay firstly (a conversation purely for myself) your not in control of anything darling. Secondly if things are going to happen there going to happen so stop worrying stop. Right now. Stop it! Thirdly. Be good to yourself. If your winding yourself up about a stupid thing like that then your clearly damaging yourself to begin with! Yeah and I know you can't really sit down and have a conversation with yourself and tell yourself exactly what your doing wrong and explain how to fix it. And I know that somethings are just built into your personality. But really babe. Really. You are on the verge of loosing it all if you do not stop and THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU ARE DOING!!? Head connecting with wall please. Really!?! Why are we even having this conversation you know what your doing so why are you doing it?! Your frightened thats fine your entitled to be but the only person your really hurting here is yourself. Hell if your not on the verge of loosing it all you already have just because your a bloody bone head and won't listen to reason. Come on now. Your not this person. This is not you. You should not have turned into this person. Come on. Fix it now. You don't get an infinate number of chances and guess what matey your running out of them. Your arguments are solid yes you don't know whats going on, shes not letting you be there, shes pushing you away, you want to make it all better, you want to know what the right thing to say is, you want to be there, you want to feel like she can't breathe without you. But just stop right there and remember she's got a life too. And think about her priorities and exactly who it is she's really going to listen to. And really your a shitbag mate! COME ON!!!?! Don't lie down and just let her walk all over you but at least TRY and be bloody understanding!!?! And no more self loathing and self pity! You can do that in your own time just not around her! So your going to sort yourself out your going to be calmer, your going to respond like NORMAL people do to things and your going to stop being so bloody volitile otherwise we're really going to have words my friend. Put all your dangerous bang bang chaos chaos screamy scream shit in a box! And only open that box when you are a) being creative b) exercising!!? YES YOU HEARD ME YOU LAZY BASTARD! YOU NEED TO DO MORE! or c) whatever else might need an extra boost of energy. Your capible of a lot and you know it. You shouldn't be being this destructive. Wake up!!
Okay... I'm sure telling yourself off isn't something normal... but sure. Okay. So lets do this.
Sunday, 24 May 2009
The Burst Bubble
Ya know I've cried so much since yesterday around 5 o clock. I've done a good job of pushing it down where I can't feel it, until I popped. I just wanted one day away from everything. One day. Is that so FUCKING HARD!?! I wanted a good laugh, good times and just to forget everything. And they couldn't even do that could they. No they started arguing between themselves and then started on me. And I walked off. And got five minutes away before falling to pieces on a bench in the middle of town. And I was there for an hour. An hour for Christ's sake. I'm a complete train wreak. And it hurts so badly.
I didn't stop breaking down until I got home and my mom found me in bits. And she sat down and listened and that's all I wanted all day I just wanted someone to give a shit about me for a change instead of thinking about themselves constantly or everyone else. Just to focus on me for ten minutes because I actually do matter.
I don't think I've ever hurt so much in my life. I've had the worst eight months of my life and my heart ripped out more times then I can count and its not fair. What did I do? I chased after a girl with a girlfriend sure stupid. Sure shouldn't have bothered. And what happened? I got fucked over and fucked up. And she doesn't listen to me does she? Oh no. She doesn't. She won't see past anything that she believes to be correct. Apparently this situation is black, white and grey. Bullshit is it. Its black and white. You have a girlfriend. You stayed with your girlfriend and you dragged me along for 8 months and are still trying to do it. So with every respect: back off and leave me alone. Whats the grey then? I see no grey. Oh you love me is that it..... if you loved me you'd have dumped her the minute I said me or her! But no you know you can walk all over me and treat me like a fucking paid whore.
You've got your fairytale really. The girl you were with before is the girl you got back with. So fate should tell you that your perfect for each other. Cos she really gives a damn about you doesn't she. You could shag anyone tomorrow and she'd still lick your arse. And you know I won't take that. Cos I know I deserve better.
I deserve so much better then you. Your right I am far too good for you. Cos you've done nothing but treat me like crap since the day we met. And maybe this is all my fault and I started it all. Your intentions count for nothing.
I'm no saint. I've made mistakes. I've hurt you. But you've done worse. You've always had it all. And I've always had nothing but the skin on my back and this string to hold on to. This string attached to, but maybe this and maybe that and what if this and what if that. Just waiting for you to make a goddamn decision. And apparently you can't make this decision now eight months on from this all starting. So here's mine. I've let go of this string. And now I'm just simply floating away from you.
You can text me all you want about this but I'm not replying. You can try and phone me but I'm not answering. I am not yours. I don't belong to anyone and neither does my heart. This is the bubble bursting. This is the amnesia clearing. I'm not forgetting anymore. It hurts. Its your fault.
And this is the last post in this blog. Because I've had enough of baring my soul to you and getting nothing but trampled over. And I hope she knows I was in your bed Tuesday.
No more pretending. It's over.
I didn't stop breaking down until I got home and my mom found me in bits. And she sat down and listened and that's all I wanted all day I just wanted someone to give a shit about me for a change instead of thinking about themselves constantly or everyone else. Just to focus on me for ten minutes because I actually do matter.
I don't think I've ever hurt so much in my life. I've had the worst eight months of my life and my heart ripped out more times then I can count and its not fair. What did I do? I chased after a girl with a girlfriend sure stupid. Sure shouldn't have bothered. And what happened? I got fucked over and fucked up. And she doesn't listen to me does she? Oh no. She doesn't. She won't see past anything that she believes to be correct. Apparently this situation is black, white and grey. Bullshit is it. Its black and white. You have a girlfriend. You stayed with your girlfriend and you dragged me along for 8 months and are still trying to do it. So with every respect: back off and leave me alone. Whats the grey then? I see no grey. Oh you love me is that it..... if you loved me you'd have dumped her the minute I said me or her! But no you know you can walk all over me and treat me like a fucking paid whore.
You've got your fairytale really. The girl you were with before is the girl you got back with. So fate should tell you that your perfect for each other. Cos she really gives a damn about you doesn't she. You could shag anyone tomorrow and she'd still lick your arse. And you know I won't take that. Cos I know I deserve better.
I deserve so much better then you. Your right I am far too good for you. Cos you've done nothing but treat me like crap since the day we met. And maybe this is all my fault and I started it all. Your intentions count for nothing.
I'm no saint. I've made mistakes. I've hurt you. But you've done worse. You've always had it all. And I've always had nothing but the skin on my back and this string to hold on to. This string attached to, but maybe this and maybe that and what if this and what if that. Just waiting for you to make a goddamn decision. And apparently you can't make this decision now eight months on from this all starting. So here's mine. I've let go of this string. And now I'm just simply floating away from you.
You can text me all you want about this but I'm not replying. You can try and phone me but I'm not answering. I am not yours. I don't belong to anyone and neither does my heart. This is the bubble bursting. This is the amnesia clearing. I'm not forgetting anymore. It hurts. Its your fault.
And this is the last post in this blog. Because I've had enough of baring my soul to you and getting nothing but trampled over. And I hope she knows I was in your bed Tuesday.
No more pretending. It's over.
Try again
Rough up kid. No one's ever gonna be there for you the way they should be. No one's ever gonna love you the way you love them. Rough up and get through it. You wanna be listened, fight for it, scream until they hear no one else. And remember no one's gonna carry you, cos no one really gives a damn anymore.
Friday, 22 May 2009
Someday
Feel a bit... fixated. Locked on would be a good term. Just locked on to it again. Urgh. And its just screaming over and over in my head kinda like this: it was meant to be me. Why. Why all of this over and over again. Why can't you just let it go. Why can't you just let her go. Its not fair!! Why does this always happen to me! Why am I always left with nothing. Why. WHY!?!! etc. etc. etc.
I'm struggling.
I get this temporary amnesia around her and then she vanishes and all the pain comes back. All the rage. All the emotion bottled up so tight it just comes out as hostile aggression. Its not fair. How could she do this to me. How. Why. What did I do? What? I'm not a bad person really. Sure I have my flaws but I'm human right? I'm allowed to have them.
There are these people in life that aren't built to love right? Like there's people who are build to destroy everything they touch and others that are just built to succeed and out do everything. Maybe I just wasn't built to love or be loved for. Because there's this thing, this something that I can't seem to get past. Its like, I know its there, I can feel it, I know its there and the majority of it can belong to one person, I know that. I can give most of my heart away. I've done it before. Its just, there's an inch that just won't be had. Most of it is broken I know this much and there's an inch left. To be honest. Its been a never ending cycle, I'd open up, I'd let her see inside and then she'd hit me with a house brick. I was so strong, I just feel so tired and so chipped away at. I've got nothing left. I've got nothing left to give to anyone. I've barely got enough to keep me going let alone anyone else.
All of this fixing I did in the first place last year was for nothing. I filled the big empty space that had been left behind by a certain girl from Reading. I stopped being a heartless arse. I was okay. I was sound. And then she had a little bit of me, chewed it up and spat it out. And had another little bit and chewed it up and spat it out. Over and over and over. And slowly, I've got down to this last inch of beating muscle and its hardened and fortified and is refusing to budge. What have I ever done to you? You will not take everything from me. This bit is mine and you can back off if you think your ruining that too.
Or maybe I was built to love, because that last little bit of my heart is waiting for the right moment to belong to someone else. And now is not the right moment. Someday, someone isn't gonna take everything I've got, they'll give so much. And it'll be simple. And I won't be a paid whore. I will actually feel, like one sodding human being on this fucking planet really gives a damn and can't get enough of me. And it won't be me that loses. It'll be everyone else who had me and then lost be because they didn't know what they had when it was there. It'll be everyone that's ever taken me for fucking granted. Someday I'll win.
I'm struggling.
I get this temporary amnesia around her and then she vanishes and all the pain comes back. All the rage. All the emotion bottled up so tight it just comes out as hostile aggression. Its not fair. How could she do this to me. How. Why. What did I do? What? I'm not a bad person really. Sure I have my flaws but I'm human right? I'm allowed to have them.
There are these people in life that aren't built to love right? Like there's people who are build to destroy everything they touch and others that are just built to succeed and out do everything. Maybe I just wasn't built to love or be loved for. Because there's this thing, this something that I can't seem to get past. Its like, I know its there, I can feel it, I know its there and the majority of it can belong to one person, I know that. I can give most of my heart away. I've done it before. Its just, there's an inch that just won't be had. Most of it is broken I know this much and there's an inch left. To be honest. Its been a never ending cycle, I'd open up, I'd let her see inside and then she'd hit me with a house brick. I was so strong, I just feel so tired and so chipped away at. I've got nothing left. I've got nothing left to give to anyone. I've barely got enough to keep me going let alone anyone else.
All of this fixing I did in the first place last year was for nothing. I filled the big empty space that had been left behind by a certain girl from Reading. I stopped being a heartless arse. I was okay. I was sound. And then she had a little bit of me, chewed it up and spat it out. And had another little bit and chewed it up and spat it out. Over and over and over. And slowly, I've got down to this last inch of beating muscle and its hardened and fortified and is refusing to budge. What have I ever done to you? You will not take everything from me. This bit is mine and you can back off if you think your ruining that too.
Or maybe I was built to love, because that last little bit of my heart is waiting for the right moment to belong to someone else. And now is not the right moment. Someday, someone isn't gonna take everything I've got, they'll give so much. And it'll be simple. And I won't be a paid whore. I will actually feel, like one sodding human being on this fucking planet really gives a damn and can't get enough of me. And it won't be me that loses. It'll be everyone else who had me and then lost be because they didn't know what they had when it was there. It'll be everyone that's ever taken me for fucking granted. Someday I'll win.
Thursday, 21 May 2009
Woke up feeling nauseous you danced around my head.
Remember.... you know your mind better then anyone else. Most of the time. And today you hit reality again. Just to wish you hadn't.
Its a good a time as any to clean up this mess.
Its a good a time as any to clean up this mess.
Tuesday, 19 May 2009
Life's like a jump rope
Breathe in and out... okay. Now its time to start talking. I've been trying to get my head around it all. Sure, its pretty simple really, pretty black and white. And maybe it's just been a long week but, I'm trying to be better and I'm trying to get past this all so that kinda starts with this.
Do you understand the horror of these words: Me or her. And if its me you don't see her anymore and if its her you don't see me anymore. And if you don't make a decision, I'll asume you have and you won't see me. And the person your looking at is the person you've been running around after for a long time, longer then anyone else, and there looking at you and you suddenly realise there not the person you thought they were. But they do exactly what you expect. Nothing. Completely nothing.
There was a dream once, that it could possibly work through everything. There was belief that it wasn't just a mess, that it was orchestrated chaos and it was going somewhere. Not just around in circles. And I'm so tired from it. The last year doesn't feel like a year, it feels like four or five, and I feel so stretched out and so defeated.
Bits of me feel so ruined and the entire world can see it, yes, I'm the idiot who chased after a girl with a girlfriend and lost. Never my luck. Its okay. Better off alone anyway. Next question is: How long am I gonna be picking up the pieces this time?
Its never fair. I'm always the idiot who gets smashed in half because I was too dumb to quit while I was ahead. Just give up. Clearly there is no fairytale. And I really do hope you two are very miserable together. Its okay though, because I have every faith that the universe will fuck you up the arse twice as hard as you fucked me up the arse. Have a nice day. :)
Do you understand the horror of these words: Me or her. And if its me you don't see her anymore and if its her you don't see me anymore. And if you don't make a decision, I'll asume you have and you won't see me. And the person your looking at is the person you've been running around after for a long time, longer then anyone else, and there looking at you and you suddenly realise there not the person you thought they were. But they do exactly what you expect. Nothing. Completely nothing.
There was a dream once, that it could possibly work through everything. There was belief that it wasn't just a mess, that it was orchestrated chaos and it was going somewhere. Not just around in circles. And I'm so tired from it. The last year doesn't feel like a year, it feels like four or five, and I feel so stretched out and so defeated.
Bits of me feel so ruined and the entire world can see it, yes, I'm the idiot who chased after a girl with a girlfriend and lost. Never my luck. Its okay. Better off alone anyway. Next question is: How long am I gonna be picking up the pieces this time?
Its never fair. I'm always the idiot who gets smashed in half because I was too dumb to quit while I was ahead. Just give up. Clearly there is no fairytale. And I really do hope you two are very miserable together. Its okay though, because I have every faith that the universe will fuck you up the arse twice as hard as you fucked me up the arse. Have a nice day. :)
Monday, 18 May 2009
Flying High
A vote of confidence, faith, belief, from an outside party is a healer. If not a kick up the backside that screams "you will move, you will function correctly." From someone that you hold high in your opinion is better then any drug. They believe. And because they believe, so do I.
Renewed hope. I know I'm going to be fine. I just needed to hear that from one person in particular. I needed her to reach into my box, sit me on a kitchen counter and say: "It'll be okay, have a biscuit." Natural interference. It changes everything.
So today, I'm going back to the drawing board. I've got a few new ideas and its about time we made history.
Renewed hope. I know I'm going to be fine. I just needed to hear that from one person in particular. I needed her to reach into my box, sit me on a kitchen counter and say: "It'll be okay, have a biscuit." Natural interference. It changes everything.
So today, I'm going back to the drawing board. I've got a few new ideas and its about time we made history.
Saturday, 16 May 2009
My never
Will you think of me,
in time?
It's never my luck,
So never mind.
I wanna say your name,
But the pain starts
again,
It's never my luck,
So never mind.
Chorus:
And I had a dream that you were with me ,
it wasn't my fault,
you rolled me over,
flipped me over,
like a somersault.
That doesn't happen to me
I've never been here before
I saw forever in my never,
And I stood outside her
Heaven.
Will you wait for me,
In time?
It's never my luck,
So never mind.
And, yeah, I lost a lot of what I
don't expect to ever
return
I tend to push `em 'till the pushings turn from
hurting to burn,
I always take them to that place I thought they wanted
to go,
But end up dancing 'round
this clown commands,
applause at a show...
Chorus:
I had a dream that you were with me ,
It wasn't my fault,
you rolled me over,
flipped me over,
A somersault.
And that doesn't happen to me
I've never been here before
I saw forever in my never,
And I stood outside her
Heaven
Her heaven,
Heaven,
Heaven.
And I could only dream of you and sleep,
but I never see sunlight again,
I can try to be with you , but somehow I'll end up just losing a friend,
I can only reach for you
relate to you,
I'm losing my friend...
Where did she go?
Where?
Chorus:
I had a dream that you were with me ,
It wasn't my fault,
you rolled me over,
flipped me over,
like a somersault.
That doesn't happen to me
I've never been here before
I saw forever in my never,
And I stood outside her
Heaven
I stood outside her heaven
Let me in your heaven...
I wanna live inside your heaven.
by Blue October.
in time?
It's never my luck,
So never mind.
I wanna say your name,
But the pain starts
again,
It's never my luck,
So never mind.
Chorus:
And I had a dream that you were with me ,
it wasn't my fault,
you rolled me over,
flipped me over,
like a somersault.
That doesn't happen to me
I've never been here before
I saw forever in my never,
And I stood outside her
Heaven.
Will you wait for me,
In time?
It's never my luck,
So never mind.
And, yeah, I lost a lot of what I
don't expect to ever
return
I tend to push `em 'till the pushings turn from
hurting to burn,
I always take them to that place I thought they wanted
to go,
But end up dancing 'round
this clown commands,
applause at a show...
Chorus:
I had a dream that you were with me ,
It wasn't my fault,
you rolled me over,
flipped me over,
A somersault.
And that doesn't happen to me
I've never been here before
I saw forever in my never,
And I stood outside her
Heaven
Her heaven,
Heaven,
Heaven.
And I could only dream of you and sleep,
but I never see sunlight again,
I can try to be with you , but somehow I'll end up just losing a friend,
I can only reach for you
relate to you,
I'm losing my friend...
Where did she go?
Where?
Chorus:
I had a dream that you were with me ,
It wasn't my fault,
you rolled me over,
flipped me over,
like a somersault.
That doesn't happen to me
I've never been here before
I saw forever in my never,
And I stood outside her
Heaven
I stood outside her heaven
Let me in your heaven...
I wanna live inside your heaven.
by Blue October.
Friday, 15 May 2009
Crisis.
I'm having a crisis.
It starts with milk.... and will end with something going bang, crash, smash, boom.
Today will be shite.
Tomorrow will be no better.
Its okay. Just push it down. And it will eventually go away.
It starts with milk.... and will end with something going bang, crash, smash, boom.
Today will be shite.
Tomorrow will be no better.
Its okay. Just push it down. And it will eventually go away.
Thursday, 14 May 2009
Today
...I crossed out fate.
Today has been a really bad day.
Someday you will burn for this. I hope the guilt drives you mad.
Today has been a really bad day.
Someday you will burn for this. I hope the guilt drives you mad.
(the thin white line)
Right so... I could ramble about a lot right now. I could rant and probably get very angry about a lot. But I'm not going to. I'm being good. I'm not an angry person. I'm solid. I'm cool. I'm sound. I'm alright.
And this is very private. For once. So I won't write about any of that.
I'm tired. Very tired. And I could do with a few hundred hours extra kip. Very much so please. I've rediscovered the Killers and Blue October. Happy days. Lyrical explanations to current situations. Yeah. Many songs.
Bring it on life. Give me your best shot and I'll give you mine.
Little Stitch.
And this is very private. For once. So I won't write about any of that.
I'm tired. Very tired. And I could do with a few hundred hours extra kip. Very much so please. I've rediscovered the Killers and Blue October. Happy days. Lyrical explanations to current situations. Yeah. Many songs.
Bring it on life. Give me your best shot and I'll give you mine.
Little Stitch.
Tuesday, 12 May 2009
Method of interpretation
Yes. Read my blog and gather what you will from it. But you my little bastard know nothing about me so stop pretending and how exactly is it any of your business anyway. Shitbag.
Saturday, 9 May 2009
Remember there are birds...
Just breathe... breathe it out and count to ten.
1....
2...
3...
4....
....
...5
....
6....
....7
.........8
....9.....
10....
in.... and out.........
control your rage......
sure you can be angry. but don't let it control you. Your not crazy. You hear me in there Jimmy Hyde. YOUR NOT CRAZY. You are fucking mint. You are so mint you know everything before it happens because your so fucking tuned in. Oh yes. Oh yes. Fear the god. Fear the fucking god. Hear the crowd *rooaarrr* Its okay. Your better then this. This is not you. This isn't you. Your not angry. Just breathe it out....
mmm.... better. much better.
I'm getting better at expelling feelings I loathe. Much better its gone far far away. Feelings are like balloons, if you relax enough you can just let go of the string and woosh there it goes. And I'm being very good and refusing to run after these balloons. Instead I sit on this imaginary sand dune, watch them float away and wave. Not everything is an issue and there really isn't anything wrong with me, sure the intensity of feeling might be a little overwhelming at times, and mostly everything reflects bipolar disorder and the events in my life do amplify this reflection. But actually I'm fine. There is nothing wrong. And this conclusion is very definet. Because I can hang on to that euphoria for as long as I want to. And by god I love euphoria.
This is today's conclusion: I am an island. I am safe... I am remote and far away from anything and its okay.
August 11th 2007.... well before now and everything I now know to be life. Shove:
I sit on my beach. I say my beach, because recently I’ve decided I’m an island, and with it I must have a beach. So this is my beach. It stretches for miles, I’m a rather big island, the sand is white and fine like the type of sand you find in egg timers. There are a few palms draping over the sands to kiss the floor and behind me there’s a mash of strange foliage and jungle beaded with sweat from the heat.
So I sit watch the waves. Think under the moon light; listen to the stars hum in the wake of the morning. Just me. My island. My rules. Trails of foot prints are washed away by shallow waters. I kick around on the dunes. Cartwheel on the beach. Paddle occasionally.
Yes. This is my Island. Shove off.
old... badly written.
I've come full circle I think. Cept now it goes something like this:
I let trails of sand fly into the wind. Taste salt in my mouth and kill it by lighting a cigarette and taking a deep breath of it before feeding that to the wind as well. Deep swollen clouds have gathered above and threaten to rain on me, they threaten more then rain, there's a silent hum saying we'll destroy you with a hurricane, we'll rip you apart with everything we've got.
I sniff at them. Spit. Unimpressed. This is my island. Your forces are obsolete so enough with your empty silent words.
I yawn. Swear at the sky, V for victory, v for valour, v for vindicated. V for we will very kindly rip your skin off and eat it if you come too close.
1....
2...
3...
4....
....
...5
....
6....
....7
.........8
....9.....
10....
in.... and out.........
control your rage......
sure you can be angry. but don't let it control you. Your not crazy. You hear me in there Jimmy Hyde. YOUR NOT CRAZY. You are fucking mint. You are so mint you know everything before it happens because your so fucking tuned in. Oh yes. Oh yes. Fear the god. Fear the fucking god. Hear the crowd *rooaarrr* Its okay. Your better then this. This is not you. This isn't you. Your not angry. Just breathe it out....
mmm.... better. much better.
I'm getting better at expelling feelings I loathe. Much better its gone far far away. Feelings are like balloons, if you relax enough you can just let go of the string and woosh there it goes. And I'm being very good and refusing to run after these balloons. Instead I sit on this imaginary sand dune, watch them float away and wave. Not everything is an issue and there really isn't anything wrong with me, sure the intensity of feeling might be a little overwhelming at times, and mostly everything reflects bipolar disorder and the events in my life do amplify this reflection. But actually I'm fine. There is nothing wrong. And this conclusion is very definet. Because I can hang on to that euphoria for as long as I want to. And by god I love euphoria.
This is today's conclusion: I am an island. I am safe... I am remote and far away from anything and its okay.
August 11th 2007.... well before now and everything I now know to be life. Shove:
I sit on my beach. I say my beach, because recently I’ve decided I’m an island, and with it I must have a beach. So this is my beach. It stretches for miles, I’m a rather big island, the sand is white and fine like the type of sand you find in egg timers. There are a few palms draping over the sands to kiss the floor and behind me there’s a mash of strange foliage and jungle beaded with sweat from the heat.
So I sit watch the waves. Think under the moon light; listen to the stars hum in the wake of the morning. Just me. My island. My rules. Trails of foot prints are washed away by shallow waters. I kick around on the dunes. Cartwheel on the beach. Paddle occasionally.
Yes. This is my Island. Shove off.
old... badly written.
I've come full circle I think. Cept now it goes something like this:
I let trails of sand fly into the wind. Taste salt in my mouth and kill it by lighting a cigarette and taking a deep breath of it before feeding that to the wind as well. Deep swollen clouds have gathered above and threaten to rain on me, they threaten more then rain, there's a silent hum saying we'll destroy you with a hurricane, we'll rip you apart with everything we've got.
I sniff at them. Spit. Unimpressed. This is my island. Your forces are obsolete so enough with your empty silent words.
I yawn. Swear at the sky, V for victory, v for valour, v for vindicated. V for we will very kindly rip your skin off and eat it if you come too close.
Thursday, 7 May 2009
Few words
The ironic thing is tonight I left that house, got in the taxi and Will Young was singing at me, telling me I better leave right now. And then it was Lilly Allen, the fear. There's a lot to think about. Tonight I'm not so articulate. Words fail me. Not her though, oh so black and white. And there it is.
Clearly life is for living. Clearly big mistakes lately. Clearly..... just clearly. I'm a nasty little bastard today. I don't regret anything I've done. Cos then I'd never learn anything.
And bloody hell have I learnt. Try again. Properly. Be good.
Clearly life is for living. Clearly big mistakes lately. Clearly..... just clearly. I'm a nasty little bastard today. I don't regret anything I've done. Cos then I'd never learn anything.
And bloody hell have I learnt. Try again. Properly. Be good.
Wednesday, 6 May 2009
10 things you'd change if you could
If you could change ten things what would you change? Money no object, no boundaries, let your imagination riot.
- I'd make life a little simpler at home, get my dad back in work, maybe move somewhere we'll all be happier.
- I'd fix things. Make them easy. Not so hard. Not so drama. Not so bloody irritating. I'd make things happy for a change.
- I'd probably inherit a large sum of money, from a random unknown source and travel the world.
- I'd go back to the start and try again. Do everything the same and realise it was never meant to happen any other way.
- I'd probably section myself for a while. Put myself somewhere safe, with medication and soft walls.
- I'd understand it all.
- I'd be able to read music and play my anglo beautifully because I could.
- I'd leave here for five years and come back to my hometown and find everyone had left.
- I'd find an uncontrollable passion for the sea again and the confidence to dance like no ones watching.
- And I'd find myself one day, in the arms of someone I couldn't get enough of and she'd feel the same. And I'd feel real with her, instead of a half hearted dream.
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