Today I've done nothing. Other then rejoice that scotland won the rugby against italy. WEHEY!?!! GET IN! And continuing this silent celebration, I'm sitting in my scotland hoodie, and I'm going out in it.
Another silent celebration of nothing in particular, new DCs. Nice nice nice. Next its going to be jeans and a new shirt. :)

Snapped. The last straw came and went.

I'm aware I haven't posted for a few days properly. Or at least like I should be doing. Its strange to me a few days of not blogging and I'm in more pieces then I should be. Here's the bottom line: currently, I'm an emotional wreak. I'm so overtired its unbelievable and currently I'm sitting in college.
There are countless people that have my back so fiercely its untrue. And if they'd seen the last forty five minutes they'd have ripped that woman - the apparent teacher who has little or no regard for anyone but herself- into a number of pieces. I'm about two inches away from walking out of college all together. Its one thing telling me something, its another belittling me to the point of mental distress. I'm not alright today. I wasn't alright yesterday either. I'd like very much to take a very sweet revenge but she'll know how it'll feel to fall out with me. I refuse to regard her as anything more then a parasite.
I'm angry. Nobody has right to treat me like scum. Somehow I doubt going out tonight is a good idea. Or if I do, it needs to be extremely early, I need to sleep for a good twelve hours undisturbed and then I might feel a little better.
Being in bits, isn't something I enjoy. As a matter of fact I hate crying in front of anyone and I had to have a mate come rescue me, otherwise I'd have been worse then I was. It takes so much to make me snap. I'm mentally drained, I'm at the end of my fight and oddly enough pick at me and I'll just fall to pieces.
But this woman won't consider me an ally anymore. There's right and wrong, there's black and white and what little respect I still had for her vanished. Appalling is the word I'd use. Completely appalling. Maybe my reaction is a combination of a lot of things, not writing, not sleeping, not eating properly, being emotional, thinking far to much and various other factors.
I've figured out one of my problems. Its harder to accept someones there then to accept someones not. Being completely convinced the entire world is against me is the easier option then knowing people care.
Another one is shutting everything out. I've done this for too long. I was fine and now I'm down again. So my problem is I have a sick mind. I'm completely fine, euphoric even, untouchable and then from that someone flicks a switch and I am gone. I am in pieces and don't know what to do with myself.
Very bipolar currently. And yes I do cycle. At least once every two weeks I have a miniature relapse and breakdown, apparently I was overdue, as its been three weeks since the last meltdown.
Maybe I really do need to go to my doctors about this.

Lent

I've been thinking a lot about lent lately. What to give up. Thats the question. There's an infinate list of things I could give up. Everything from straighteners to tea. But there are so many reasons not to do these things.

• Tea: Tea is my basic fuel for living, without tea I would a) be a complete dragon b) wouldn't function correctly and c) probably die.
  
• Straighteners: Sure I COULD live without them I guess and it'd probably do my hair a world of good. But really. I can't look a mess for six weeks. I'm far to vain.
• Alchohol: I've already given up. So technically it'd be cheating.
• Crappy junk food: Lets face it, I'd never eat. :/
• Sex: Well I'm not getting any of that anyway so that'd also be cheating.
• Fags: Really for the better part I've cut that out too so again, cheating.
• Pool: I'd actually commit suicide.
• Pub: Just because I sit in the pub and don't drink doesn't mean I could live without the socialness.
• Hair Product: Really. Just no.
• Women: Like I could if I tried.
• My favourate jeans: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

So as you can see. I'm incapible of cutting anything out of my life. I could try giving up wanking, but lets face it I'd end up raping someone.

It begins with fairies

The evening is a romantic one. I have a mission. Which is currently sprouting life. Slowly. Germination is never a quick process. I recently covered my wall, with A3 paper, 6x3. And so I've got my thinking cap on, a bandana actually, and I've begun my mindmap... brainstorm whatever.
I will not rest until my wall is covered in scribbles.

Buggeration

Currently I'm completely addicted to a song, by Massive Attack, covered by Elbow - Teardrop. I'm not even sure why. Its just the beat of my walking, its my secret resolve on how the world works.
I decided a few minutes ago while making my breakfast, that given the choice to relive the last four months, I'd have done it in exactly the same order, but been a lot more vocal in which why I felt. I decided last night its something I need to work on. I'm so good at convincing the world I'm fine or I'm just being distant and kept to myself that actually, there's a lot I miss out on. But on the other hand, I'm too disbelieving of the worlds intentions. The fundamental law I run on is 'not of this world', 'somewhere else', 'some other time when the grass was really green and not grey'. Maybe because of this Bohemian Spirit, my ability to connect with reality is suffering. I know it has of late, I have been so far away all of the time, not much can bring me down back to earth.
I've also decided that porridge is one of those things man has forsaken. Its simple oats, milk sugar/honey/jam. I'm very aware I don't eat enough in the morning, this is a rarity, but I need more then just nutella on toast this morning. More then just rocket fuel. Central heating for kids, as they say.
From one blogger to a reader, here's a little secret that I never quite knew about until last night: I am appallingly bad with emotion. Shock horror! Now it sheds some light on the earth! This would be the reason for heaven and earth! The lack of capacity to deal with myself and the horrible niggling at me depression that comes and goes in a manic fashion.
Buggeration. I knew I was going wrong somewhere.
Or maybe the answer just isn't in my grasp to know. Because I am a little unsure of just where I mess up, sometimes I guess I give to much to one person and others its not enough...? Maybe I'll never know.

Hell is other people

Letting go is the most dangerous of all adventures. Because it involves dropping your heart and seeing if someone else catches it before it smashes on the floor.
Its one of the most soul destroying things you can imagine doing. Because love is a double edged sword, it gives you heaven and it cuts you to pieces at the same time. Love is pretty much knowing your going to get hurt one way or another.
I think its just having the strength to accept any pain that happens and accepting someone inside, knowing there gonna be like a bull in a china shop.
There's no real answer, just a series of observations. Don't look for it. Keep your eyes on the clouds and you'll trip over it if its meant to be. - Jimmy Hyde.

Sometimes I should really listen to my own advice, my own philosophies. I really lack the capacity to take my drink. I'll throw my hands up and admit I drank last night and found myself back in that miserable erratic place.
I think I really am going to stay away from it now. I might've put all of the pain far away from me to get away from it but it doesn't stop it hurting. I spend so many hours in a day with things going over and over in my head. Sometimes I can hear my own voice echoing in my head and I can see it happening in slow motion. And I wish so hard it will go away. I know what I want and I wish I could stop wanting it. There's sense and reason: You deserve better blah balh blah. I've done nothing to no one. What did I do that was so wrong?
Hell is other people.
I know what I want. Because I held it in my hands all that week. Funny thing is, I said this to a mate at college, and her response was 'aww that's really sweet.' Wasn't enough for her though was it?

the statement of the century

I need to stop having these little manic episodes. :|