I saw a shooting star last night, or I was hallucinating, or I having a nice delusion of some kind, or it was just some crap in the corner of my eye. But what ever it was. It came at the perfect moment. All the pieces fell into place into a funny kind of sense. Dreams last as long as both are dreaming. And I think she stopped dreaming a while ago.
So whats happened then? Well. My last post was me telling you I may be out of action. Because well - how do I put this without sounding like a complete fruitcake - I cut my fingertips up, that'll do blunt as anything. And I cut my leg up as well, and not just once or twice. I carved fate into my leg under a nice arrangement of scratches crisscrossing.
Why? What is the reasoning behind this? Peter Pan fell out of the sky because hanging on to anything became impossible. I was told where to go and that was it. I gave up.
This rope I've been hanging on to for months was greased up anyway but what am I supposed to do? History repeated itself and she knew my shit, she knew my problem, she knew she knew she knew!?! SHE GODDAMNFUCKINGKNEW AND DID IT ANYWAY!!? And I knew it was happening because I could see it! I could feel it in my goddamn gut and wanted to puke for days and it wasn't that sick sick feeling it was that emotional sick feeling because I knew it was happening. Knew it knew it knew it knew it knew it. I'm not crazy. Its just the way the entire world makes me feel. Honesty is bullshit. Who is really honest in this world. I'm so angry. The minute I'm honest someone tells me I'm being FUCKING unreasonable!?!
I tell her how I feel, oh yes, because I see her last night at the pub and I can't bare to look her in the face. 'So what are you going to do next' I say. Kill me. Heat pins and stick them in my arm. Torture? Desecration? Really. What the fucks next. All night I sat staring at the floor and yeah, it just seethed and I couldn't say what as on my mind because she didn't ask. She didn't give a damn. Didn't give a damn anyone on this fucking planet would fight for the person they want the most, so if i really was that person, she'd fucking fight for me. But she won't will she. Cos I'm clearly not enough and I'm clearly not that person. I think she made her choice, with bite marks up her neck and that look on her face.
Give me one reason to stay and I'll turn right back around. Because I don't wanna leave you lonely but you gotta make me change my mind.
What is this life really? Is it a series of reactions and moments? Is there some kid sitting on an ant hill with a magnifying glass, and naturally me being the ant, is having a truck load of fun burning my feelers of and watching me squirm?!
Am I wrong? Probably. I'm always fucking wrong. But I've got no reason at all to think otherwise. Think I've given out enough fucking chances and all I wanted to do was love her. Really what can I do? Somebody please, this is a calling into the universe WHAT CAN I FUCKING DO?! What possibly can I do? What is there left even!? Other then completely ripping out everything in my personality and fixing all the cracks what can I do? Yeah... you've got it right... nothing. Because anything I tried to do would be contradicted by a million other factors and once more history will repeat itself. And I'll just end up with my heart ripped out again and again and again. This isn't defeat. This is the white flag. Its fine really I'll go down with my ship, I'll leave you alone and never look back. I'll just go. Make it easier for everyone.
Yeah I'm a dick. We get it. And blatantly I'm natures fool. Someone printed mug on my forehead in letters I can't read. Which I why I always get kicked around the street like a can.
But that's fine. Really. Do what you want, completely disregard me because I'm obsolete, clearly. I am going to leave this place. Regardless of who's here or not. I will leave and I won't come back for a long time. And I will make it happen.
Monday, 16 March 2009
Friday, 13 March 2009
Thursday, 12 March 2009
Neverland
No more happy thoughts. Lost... lost.
Currently I'm watching Hook. One of my favourite films in the world. I had my hair cut today, its all pixie.
Flick a coin, heads or tails. Yeah. So today I had a scary day. My tutor sat me down at college, just me and her and said very bluntly: "So whats going on with you? Whats wrong?" Whenever anyone asks me this, I sit gaping like a fish. I want to tell, yes, but the words don't come out. And then I find out my lecturers are worried, I'm the subject of discussion and my tutor tells me quite plainly that she's had to tell them not to push, not to probe and just to leave me be and let me deal with myself on my own. So what's worse? People talking about me or them knowing theres somethings wrong?
When I tell my friend I fall to pieces on her, all wobbily like. What does logic say. Logic says: SHIT GET OUT YOU FOOL WHILE YOU'VE STILL GOT LEGS TO RUN! - this is why life is so hard. It expects you to defy all logic and do crazy thing.
Fefe Beans - my friend - is rather amazing, shes told me somedays shes watched me go home and wondered: Is she going to be alright? Is she going to do something stupid when she gets home? How morbid. Because Fefe Beans knows it all, inside and out. She's the person I fell apart on the other week and oddly enough shes the person that all my mush goes through. She says I need to be strong, she says I can't give up. Etc etc etc.
But yes, bottom line: problems. Big problems. It college have gathered I'm not happy then the world pretty much has and the world has seen through the pretend and the game is broken. Maybe I need to go back to therapy. Well lets not maybe. I need something. Something! Because its pretty clear the way I'm going isn't working.
My tutor said to me today: One day I will probably end up in the corner crazy because all those systems of dealing with things will just go SPLURG because I won't be able to take anymore and currently I can see you just going SPLURG. How did she know? Really? How did she know that I've just had enough? Am I really that easy to read? No I really can't take anymore and just want to crawl into bed and never move again.
I need a happy thought. Just one. Please. Just one simple pure happy thought. One that isn't surounded by a big game or isn't surrounded by a web of mush that drives me insane. Please? Just one happy thought, one happy thought, just one.....? I've got nothing really. Help?
Currently I'm watching Hook. One of my favourite films in the world. I had my hair cut today, its all pixie.
Flick a coin, heads or tails. Yeah. So today I had a scary day. My tutor sat me down at college, just me and her and said very bluntly: "So whats going on with you? Whats wrong?" Whenever anyone asks me this, I sit gaping like a fish. I want to tell, yes, but the words don't come out. And then I find out my lecturers are worried, I'm the subject of discussion and my tutor tells me quite plainly that she's had to tell them not to push, not to probe and just to leave me be and let me deal with myself on my own. So what's worse? People talking about me or them knowing theres somethings wrong?
When I tell my friend I fall to pieces on her, all wobbily like. What does logic say. Logic says: SHIT GET OUT YOU FOOL WHILE YOU'VE STILL GOT LEGS TO RUN! - this is why life is so hard. It expects you to defy all logic and do crazy thing.
Fefe Beans - my friend - is rather amazing, shes told me somedays shes watched me go home and wondered: Is she going to be alright? Is she going to do something stupid when she gets home? How morbid. Because Fefe Beans knows it all, inside and out. She's the person I fell apart on the other week and oddly enough shes the person that all my mush goes through. She says I need to be strong, she says I can't give up. Etc etc etc.
But yes, bottom line: problems. Big problems. It college have gathered I'm not happy then the world pretty much has and the world has seen through the pretend and the game is broken. Maybe I need to go back to therapy. Well lets not maybe. I need something. Something! Because its pretty clear the way I'm going isn't working.
My tutor said to me today: One day I will probably end up in the corner crazy because all those systems of dealing with things will just go SPLURG because I won't be able to take anymore and currently I can see you just going SPLURG. How did she know? Really? How did she know that I've just had enough? Am I really that easy to read? No I really can't take anymore and just want to crawl into bed and never move again.
I need a happy thought. Just one. Please. Just one simple pure happy thought. One that isn't surounded by a big game or isn't surrounded by a web of mush that drives me insane. Please? Just one happy thought, one happy thought, just one.....? I've got nothing really. Help?
Tuesday, 10 March 2009
Run away run away like a prodigal
Okay, so where was I when we last spoke? Something about something I'm imaginining. But you know 'that girl' I'm always raving about in a non descript subtle way that makes no real sense? Well, some would call it progress, others - I dont even know what I'm hungover right now so my vocabulary isn't exactly paramount. Well. She split up with her girlfriend. These words are enough to make me excited. Purely because the hurdle I've been trying to get over for so long is suddently vanished. But. Yes. There's always a but. I'm being made to wait on a bed of nails. Terrified in this limbo once more. Here's my problem lately - lately? rather constantly: I'm extremely paranoid, I'm extremely irrational and I have no belief in myself whatsoever. So small things I read completely differently.
Like this constant texting business, like really, texting her constantly every day since you broke up surely should be something like false hope to the person you've just broken up with but some people are like this. Maybe its a sense of responsibilty to be there for the person you've just hurt, I'm not sure. But really, I can't help this, this is what it translates to in my head and this is purely irrational and paranoid and really has no real basis: I see myself in the pub, walking towards the table and find her and her ex all over each other and pick up my stuff and say I'm going over the park for a smoke. Then I run and run and run and don't look back. Or there's the other one: I'm in the pub and I'm told bluntly and outright that there back together. I dunno, I need to get both of these out of my head because really its not healthy. Its just winding me up.
I just don't want a repeat preformance of whats already happened, I'm feel very out of my comfort zone and would like a little bit of reasurance. And of course being me, I'm very good at convincing myself things are going to happen, being a bit of a nutter.
I need to be cool, I need to relax and just wait. Just wait I'm not allowed to trip now not after I've waited and somewhat fought for this for so long. Just wait. I think a lot of it is just all of this mush in my head. Its okay to be terrified.
So today my life looks a bit like this: There is an epidemic of plague in my house. Apparently my parents have been up all night with a sick bug even the dogs been sick. So I've banished both of them to bed in the hope that tomorrow will be a slightly better day to celebrate my moms birthday.
Oh and my jigsaw pieces came today, ordered from ebay. I am chuffed. :D
Like this constant texting business, like really, texting her constantly every day since you broke up surely should be something like false hope to the person you've just broken up with but some people are like this. Maybe its a sense of responsibilty to be there for the person you've just hurt, I'm not sure. But really, I can't help this, this is what it translates to in my head and this is purely irrational and paranoid and really has no real basis: I see myself in the pub, walking towards the table and find her and her ex all over each other and pick up my stuff and say I'm going over the park for a smoke. Then I run and run and run and don't look back. Or there's the other one: I'm in the pub and I'm told bluntly and outright that there back together. I dunno, I need to get both of these out of my head because really its not healthy. Its just winding me up.
I just don't want a repeat preformance of whats already happened, I'm feel very out of my comfort zone and would like a little bit of reasurance. And of course being me, I'm very good at convincing myself things are going to happen, being a bit of a nutter.
I need to be cool, I need to relax and just wait. Just wait I'm not allowed to trip now not after I've waited and somewhat fought for this for so long. Just wait. I think a lot of it is just all of this mush in my head. Its okay to be terrified.
So today my life looks a bit like this: There is an epidemic of plague in my house. Apparently my parents have been up all night with a sick bug even the dogs been sick. So I've banished both of them to bed in the hope that tomorrow will be a slightly better day to celebrate my moms birthday.
Oh and my jigsaw pieces came today, ordered from ebay. I am chuffed. :D
Monday, 9 March 2009
I apologize
Its been a hectic kind of week. No I'm not going into details just know that I've been getting home at half one/two/three o clock in the morning regardless of college. And I've had big surprises.
Saturday I had my eyebrow done, horizontally. Mostly was just a big pinch and my eye started watering. But other then that I'm having no worries with it.
I think maybe an Angel of Mercy found me. I've had a lot crossed, flipped a lot of coins and oddly enough .... shit.... :| When did I get so lucky? I'm hoping this isn't all too good to be true. I'm wishing it isn't. I can only wait and see if I'm still the biggest fool and if I am well... I think we all know I'll leave this town.
Saturday I had my eyebrow done, horizontally. Mostly was just a big pinch and my eye started watering. But other then that I'm having no worries with it.
I think maybe an Angel of Mercy found me. I've had a lot crossed, flipped a lot of coins and oddly enough .... shit.... :| When did I get so lucky? I'm hoping this isn't all too good to be true. I'm wishing it isn't. I can only wait and see if I'm still the biggest fool and if I am well... I think we all know I'll leave this town.
Monday, 2 March 2009
I woke up today to this on google. Needless to say it made me a very happy bunny because I have a new found love for Dr. Seuss. I have rules about squealing this early in the morning, so there was no squealing, but there would have been any other time of the day.
Sunday, 1 March 2009
Soul Searching
Right, its time to get serious and be very honest. I am not well. I told an old friend my hunch, told her how it made sense to me etc. And she said: To be honest I knew this three years ago. :| yeah. There's a kick in the none existent nuts. Am I surprised she could diagnose me? No because shes bipolar. But I am surprised she knew long ago when I was still oblivious.
I reached the point where I couldn't push it down any longer. So it just came back up, kinda like vomit and yes it was worse then it was beforehand.
I had the best week of my life in half term. Purely because I existed as a singular being and wasn't dealing with anyone else's drama or lives. I'm not good with emotion. It frightens me beyond belief. I hate crying in front of people because I hate being vulnerable in front of anyone. I'm really not good with people. I've admitted its all quite damaged in myself. But that's just the way I'm built. I need to learn how to stop shutting down and deal with it all. Because I can't keep walking around numb.
Everything is always so amplified. Every little tiny thing is blasted out of proportion with me. It's like. Imagine someone turning the volume up on life and its not sound you hear, its everything else your not supposed to hear. Then imagine your so sensitive to it you can't stand it and build a glass box around yourself to try and filter out the noise. Then your kind of on the right track.
Last night: You don't have to fight alone, ya know? We've both got the scars to prove that doesn't work. Okay. I'm going to be honest to try to minimize the white noise. And I'm going to talk and I'm really going to stop this hidden in a glass box business. There are big issues to deal with. I need to understand myself. Ask the right questions. And hear the answers. Just time for a bit of soul searching now.
I reached the point where I couldn't push it down any longer. So it just came back up, kinda like vomit and yes it was worse then it was beforehand.
I had the best week of my life in half term. Purely because I existed as a singular being and wasn't dealing with anyone else's drama or lives. I'm not good with emotion. It frightens me beyond belief. I hate crying in front of people because I hate being vulnerable in front of anyone. I'm really not good with people. I've admitted its all quite damaged in myself. But that's just the way I'm built. I need to learn how to stop shutting down and deal with it all. Because I can't keep walking around numb.
Everything is always so amplified. Every little tiny thing is blasted out of proportion with me. It's like. Imagine someone turning the volume up on life and its not sound you hear, its everything else your not supposed to hear. Then imagine your so sensitive to it you can't stand it and build a glass box around yourself to try and filter out the noise. Then your kind of on the right track.
Last night: You don't have to fight alone, ya know? We've both got the scars to prove that doesn't work. Okay. I'm going to be honest to try to minimize the white noise. And I'm going to talk and I'm really going to stop this hidden in a glass box business. There are big issues to deal with. I need to understand myself. Ask the right questions. And hear the answers. Just time for a bit of soul searching now.
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