The Burst Bubble

Ya know I've cried so much since yesterday around 5 o clock. I've done a good job of pushing it down where I can't feel it, until I popped. I just wanted one day away from everything. One day. Is that so FUCKING HARD!?! I wanted a good laugh, good times and just to forget everything. And they couldn't even do that could they. No they started arguing between themselves and then started on me. And I walked off. And got five minutes away before falling to pieces on a bench in the middle of town. And I was there for an hour. An hour for Christ's sake. I'm a complete train wreak. And it hurts so badly.
I didn't stop breaking down until I got home and my mom found me in bits. And she sat down and listened and that's all I wanted all day I just wanted someone to give a shit about me for a change instead of thinking about themselves constantly or everyone else. Just to focus on me for ten minutes because I actually do matter.
I don't think I've ever hurt so much in my life. I've had the worst eight months of my life and my heart ripped out more times then I can count and its not fair. What did I do? I chased after a girl with a girlfriend sure stupid. Sure shouldn't have bothered. And what happened? I got fucked over and fucked up. And she doesn't listen to me does she? Oh no. She doesn't. She won't see past anything that she believes to be correct. Apparently this situation is black, white and grey. Bullshit is it. Its black and white. You have a girlfriend. You stayed with your girlfriend and you dragged me along for 8 months and are still trying to do it. So with every respect: back off and leave me alone. Whats the grey then? I see no grey. Oh you love me is that it..... if you loved me you'd have dumped her the minute I said me or her! But no you know you can walk all over me and treat me like a fucking paid whore.
You've got your fairytale really. The girl you were with before is the girl you got back with. So fate should tell you that your perfect for each other. Cos she really gives a damn about you doesn't she. You could shag anyone tomorrow and she'd still lick your arse. And you know I won't take that. Cos I know I deserve better.
I deserve so much better then you. Your right I am far too good for you. Cos you've done nothing but treat me like crap since the day we met. And maybe this is all my fault and I started it all. Your intentions count for nothing.
I'm no saint. I've made mistakes. I've hurt you. But you've done worse. You've always had it all. And I've always had nothing but the skin on my back and this string to hold on to. This string attached to, but maybe this and maybe that and what if this and what if that. Just waiting for you to make a goddamn decision. And apparently you can't make this decision now eight months on from this all starting. So here's mine. I've let go of this string. And now I'm just simply floating away from you.
You can text me all you want about this but I'm not replying. You can try and phone me but I'm not answering. I am not yours. I don't belong to anyone and neither does my heart. This is the bubble bursting. This is the amnesia clearing. I'm not forgetting anymore. It hurts. Its your fault.
And this is the last post in this blog. Because I've had enough of baring my soul to you and getting nothing but trampled over. And I hope she knows I was in your bed Tuesday.

No more pretending. It's over.

Try again

Rough up kid. No one's ever gonna be there for you the way they should be. No one's ever gonna love you the way you love them. Rough up and get through it. You wanna be listened, fight for it, scream until they hear no one else. And remember no one's gonna carry you, cos no one really gives a damn anymore.

Someday

Feel a bit... fixated. Locked on would be a good term. Just locked on to it again. Urgh. And its just screaming over and over in my head kinda like this: it was meant to be me. Why. Why all of this over and over again. Why can't you just let it go. Why can't you just let her go. Its not fair!! Why does this always happen to me! Why am I always left with nothing. Why. WHY!?!! etc. etc. etc.
I'm struggling.
I get this temporary amnesia around her and then she vanishes and all the pain comes back. All the rage. All the emotion bottled up so tight it just comes out as hostile aggression. Its not fair. How could she do this to me. How. Why. What did I do? What? I'm not a bad person really. Sure I have my flaws but I'm human right? I'm allowed to have them.
There are these people in life that aren't built to love right? Like there's people who are build to destroy everything they touch and others that are just built to succeed and out do everything. Maybe I just wasn't built to love or be loved for. Because there's this thing, this something that I can't seem to get past. Its like, I know its there, I can feel it, I know its there and the majority of it can belong to one person, I know that. I can give most of my heart away. I've done it before. Its just, there's an inch that just won't be had. Most of it is broken I know this much and there's an inch left. To be honest. Its been a never ending cycle, I'd open up, I'd let her see inside and then she'd hit me with a house brick. I was so strong, I just feel so tired and so chipped away at. I've got nothing left. I've got nothing left to give to anyone. I've barely got enough to keep me going let alone anyone else.
All of this fixing I did in the first place last year was for nothing. I filled the big empty space that had been left behind by a certain girl from Reading. I stopped being a heartless arse. I was okay. I was sound. And then she had a little bit of me, chewed it up and spat it out. And had another little bit and chewed it up and spat it out. Over and over and over. And slowly, I've got down to this last inch of beating muscle and its hardened and fortified and is refusing to budge. What have I ever done to you? You will not take everything from me. This bit is mine and you can back off if you think your ruining that too.
Or maybe I was built to love, because that last little bit of my heart is waiting for the right moment to belong to someone else. And now is not the right moment. Someday, someone isn't gonna take everything I've got, they'll give so much. And it'll be simple. And I won't be a paid whore. I will actually feel, like one sodding human being on this fucking planet really gives a damn and can't get enough of me. And it won't be me that loses. It'll be everyone else who had me and then lost be because they didn't know what they had when it was there. It'll be everyone that's ever taken me for fucking granted. Someday I'll win.

Woke up feeling nauseous you danced around my head.

Remember.... you know your mind better then anyone else. Most of the time. And today you hit reality again. Just to wish you hadn't.

Its a good a time as any to clean up this mess.

Life's like a jump rope

Breathe in and out... okay. Now its time to start talking. I've been trying to get my head around it all. Sure, its pretty simple really, pretty black and white. And maybe it's just been a long week but, I'm trying to be better and I'm trying to get past this all so that kinda starts with this.
Do you understand the horror of these words: Me or her. And if its me you don't see her anymore and if its her you don't see me anymore. And if you don't make a decision, I'll asume you have and you won't see me. And the person your looking at is the person you've been running around after for a long time, longer then anyone else, and there looking at you and you suddenly realise there not the person you thought they were. But they do exactly what you expect. Nothing. Completely nothing.
There was a dream once, that it could possibly work through everything. There was belief that it wasn't just a mess, that it was orchestrated chaos and it was going somewhere. Not just around in circles. And I'm so tired from it. The last year doesn't feel like a year, it feels like four or five, and I feel so stretched out and so defeated.
Bits of me feel so ruined and the entire world can see it, yes, I'm the idiot who chased after a girl with a girlfriend and lost. Never my luck. Its okay. Better off alone anyway. Next question is: How long am I gonna be picking up the pieces this time?
Its never fair. I'm always the idiot who gets smashed in half because I was too dumb to quit while I was ahead. Just give up. Clearly there is no fairytale. And I really do hope you two are very miserable together. Its okay though, because I have every faith that the universe will fuck you up the arse twice as hard as you fucked me up the arse. Have a nice day. :)

Flying High

A vote of confidence, faith, belief, from an outside party is a healer. If not a kick up the backside that screams "you will move, you will function correctly." From someone that you hold high in your opinion is better then any drug. They believe. And because they believe, so do I.
Renewed hope. I know I'm going to be fine. I just needed to hear that from one person in particular. I needed her to reach into my box, sit me on a kitchen counter and say: "It'll be okay, have a biscuit." Natural interference. It changes everything.
So today, I'm going back to the drawing board. I've got a few new ideas and its about time we made history.

My never

Will you think of me,
in time?
It's never my luck,
So never mind.
I wanna say your name,
But the pain starts
again,
It's never my luck,
So never mind.

Chorus:
And I had a dream that you were with me ,
it wasn't my fault,
you rolled me over,
flipped me over,
like a somersault.
That doesn't happen to me
I've never been here before
I saw forever in my never,
And I stood outside her
Heaven.

Will you wait for me,
In time?
It's never my luck,
So never mind.
And, yeah, I lost a lot of what I
don't expect to ever
return
I tend to push `em 'till the pushings turn from
hurting to burn,
I always take them to that place I thought they wanted
to go,
But end up dancing 'round
this clown commands,
applause at a show...

Chorus:
I had a dream that you were with me ,
It wasn't my fault,
you rolled me over,
flipped me over,
A somersault.
And that doesn't happen to me
I've never been here before
I saw forever in my never,
And I stood outside her
Heaven
Her heaven,
Heaven,
Heaven.

And I could only dream of you and sleep,
but I never see sunlight again,
I can try to be with you , but somehow I'll end up just losing a friend,
I can only reach for you
relate to you,
I'm losing my friend...
Where did she go?
Where?

Chorus:
I had a dream that you were with me ,
It wasn't my fault,
you rolled me over,
flipped me over,
like a somersault.
That doesn't happen to me
I've never been here before
I saw forever in my never,
And I stood outside her
Heaven
I stood outside her heaven
Let me in your heaven...

I wanna live inside your heaven.
by Blue October.

Crisis.

I'm having a crisis.
It starts with milk.... and will end with something going bang, crash, smash, boom.
Today will be shite.
Tomorrow will be no better.
Its okay. Just push it down. And it will eventually go away.

Today

...I crossed out fate.
Today has been a really bad day.

Someday you will burn for this. I hope the guilt drives you mad.

(the thin white line)

Right so... I could ramble about a lot right now. I could rant and probably get very angry about a lot. But I'm not going to. I'm being good. I'm not an angry person. I'm solid. I'm cool. I'm sound. I'm alright.
And this is very private. For once. So I won't write about any of that.
I'm tired. Very tired. And I could do with a few hundred hours extra kip. Very much so please. I've rediscovered the Killers and Blue October. Happy days. Lyrical explanations to current situations. Yeah. Many songs.
Bring it on life. Give me your best shot and I'll give you mine.

Little Stitch.

Method of interpretation

Yes. Read my blog and gather what you will from it. But you my little bastard know nothing about me so stop pretending and how exactly is it any of your business anyway. Shitbag.

Remember there are birds...

Just breathe... breathe it out and count to ten.
1....
2...
3...
4....
....
...5
....
6....
....7
.........8
....9.....
10....
in.... and out.........
control your rage......
sure you can be angry. but don't let it control you. Your not crazy. You hear me in there Jimmy Hyde. YOUR NOT CRAZY. You are fucking mint. You are so mint you know everything before it happens because your so fucking tuned in. Oh yes. Oh yes. Fear the god. Fear the fucking god. Hear the crowd *rooaarrr* Its okay. Your better then this. This is not you. This isn't you. Your not angry. Just breathe it out....
mmm.... better. much better.

I'm getting better at expelling feelings I loathe. Much better its gone far far away. Feelings are like balloons, if you relax enough you can just let go of the string and woosh there it goes. And I'm being very good and refusing to run after these balloons. Instead I sit on this imaginary sand dune, watch them float away and wave. Not everything is an issue and there really isn't anything wrong with me, sure the intensity of feeling might be a little overwhelming at times, and mostly everything reflects bipolar disorder and the events in my life do amplify this reflection. But actually I'm fine. There is nothing wrong. And this conclusion is very definet. Because I can hang on to that euphoria for as long as I want to. And by god I love euphoria.
This is today's conclusion: I am an island. I am safe... I am remote and far away from anything and its okay.

August 11th 2007.... well before now and everything I now know to be life. Shove:

I sit on my beach. I say my beach, because recently I’ve decided I’m an island, and with it I must have a beach. So this is my beach. It stretches for miles, I’m a rather big island, the sand is white and fine like the type of sand you find in egg timers. There are a few palms draping over the sands to kiss the floor and behind me there’s a mash of strange foliage and jungle beaded with sweat from the heat.
So I sit watch the waves. Think under the moon light; listen to the stars hum in the wake of the morning. Just me. My island. My rules. Trails of foot prints are washed away by shallow waters. I kick around on the dunes. Cartwheel on the beach. Paddle occasionally.
Yes. This is my Island. Shove off.

old... badly written.
I've come full circle I think. Cept now it goes something like this:

I let trails of sand fly into the wind. Taste salt in my mouth and kill it by lighting a cigarette and taking a deep breath of it before feeding that to the wind as well. Deep swollen clouds have gathered above and threaten to rain on me, they threaten more then rain, there's a silent hum saying we'll destroy you with a hurricane, we'll rip you apart with everything we've got.
I sniff at them. Spit. Unimpressed. This is my island. Your forces are obsolete so enough with your empty silent words.
I yawn. Swear at the sky, V for victory, v for valour, v for vindicated. V for we will very kindly rip your skin off and eat it if you come too close.

Few words

The ironic thing is tonight I left that house, got in the taxi and Will Young was singing at me, telling me I better leave right now. And then it was Lilly Allen, the fear. There's a lot to think about. Tonight I'm not so articulate. Words fail me. Not her though, oh so black and white. And there it is.
Clearly life is for living. Clearly big mistakes lately. Clearly..... just clearly. I'm a nasty little bastard today. I don't regret anything I've done. Cos then I'd never learn anything.
And bloody hell have I learnt. Try again. Properly. Be good.

10 things you'd change if you could

If you could change ten things what would you change? Money no object, no boundaries, let your imagination riot.

• I'd make life a little simpler at home, get my dad back in work, maybe move somewhere we'll all be happier.
  
• I'd fix things. Make them easy. Not so hard. Not so drama. Not so bloody irritating. I'd make things happy for a change.
  
• I'd probably inherit a large sum of money, from a random unknown source and travel the world.
  
• I'd go back to the start and try again. Do everything the same and realise it was never meant to happen any other way.
  
• I'd probably section myself for a while. Put myself somewhere safe, with medication and soft walls.
  
• I'd understand it all.
  
• I'd be able to read music and play my anglo beautifully because I could.
  
• I'd leave here for five years and come back to my hometown and find everyone had left.
• I'd find an uncontrollable passion for the sea again and the confidence to dance like no ones watching.
• And I'd find myself one day, in the arms of someone I couldn't get enough of and she'd feel the same. And I'd feel real with her, instead of a half hearted dream.
  

Not really anywhere

I have a slight problem. The beautiful drug on tap. Its not a good thing. I'd been good, six weeks is a long time. Maybe not six months... but I'd felt so much better for staying away from it. Got the gremlin out of my head, I was okay, wasn't needing it, wasn't wanting it. But two joints in as many days.... bad. bad. bad.
I had a horrible dream.... I went to bed angry and upset... and woke up with it still in my head.
Last few days have been alright really, saw an old friend and we're okay now, which is good, and her girlfriend has no issues with me either which is one more detail that I've been worrying about or paranoid about or whatever that's fixed. Sunday night stopped over there's. Went home for a few hours and was there again in the evening for a joint. Its nice having them so close, its kinda like, I've got the earth under my feet again, got my rock back, its okay, someones there to ground me again. Its nice to feel like there's people on my side again. Cos for a while I've felt like a one woman army. I've kind of been lucky, hit the ground running.
I've finally got around to watching the first season of skins. And that's all I have to say today.

Now that I've lost everything to you
You say you wanna start something new
And it's breakin' my heart you're leavin'
Baby, I'm grievin'

But if you wanna leave, take good care
I hope you have a lot of nice things to wear
But then a lot of nice things turn bad out there

Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world
It's hard to get by just upon a smile
Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world
I'll always remember you like a child, girl

You know I've seen a lot of what the world can do
And it's breaking my heart in two
'Cause I never wanna see you a sad girl
Don't be a bad girl

But if you wanna leave, take good care
I hope you make a lot of nice friends out there
But just remember there's a lot of bad and beware

Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world
It's hard to get by just upon a smile
Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world
I'll always remember you like a child, girl

Baby, I love you
But if you wanna leave, take good care
I hope you make a lot of nice friends out there
But just remember there's a lot of bad and beware

Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world
It's hard to get by just upon a smile
Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world
I'll always remember you like a child, girl.
Wild World - Mike Bailey

Tart

Most amusing conversation of the day:

MOM: And for afters we've got a lovely french tart.
DAD: Mmmm sounds nice
ME: Have you been er.... ordering me in an early birthday present?
DAD: *chuckle chuckle chuckle*

Bash Crash Bang

I have had a shite day. I don't really want to talk about it. I don't really want to think about it. I'm aching all over and drank steadily all night only really resulting in slightly drunken legs and no drunken head. No falling down. No crawling through dirt because I'm so out of it.
Just know that today has been shite. I feel like shite. I'd like to die. I'd like to take that lovely sharp razor and take a lovely pound of flesh and send it to a certain goblin I know in the mail. And then another will go to someone else I know. And then maybe someone will twig that I'm not a malicious cunt without respect or consideration or anything else you might think of.
I really never want to look at the entire world again. I really never want to look anybody in the face again for fear of what they might see. I'm tired. I'm aching all over. I need a dyke in shining armour to swing through the window and hold me all night.
I desperately need to cry.... but nothings there to come out.... my shoulders are practically in my ears I'm that tense and my eyes are burning in there sockets.
This morning was a good morning... and then its just been one thing after another. And here we are again at the bottom of a well.
Note to self: You twat you twat you twat. You shouldn't have kissed her you muppet. Just because you want her so bad you can't stand it is no reason. Its bad bad bad bad stop it before you wind up in another mess driving yourself over the edge. And thats all I'll say about that.