It's been a while again. I have spent the last two days making origami cranes and I've hung eighteen from my ceiling and have taken to blowing air at them to make them fly around each other.
I'm having... trouble. I have spent the last near enough two weeks in bed. Well nearly in bed. I have moved through the house like a ghost only really surfacing to see a friendly face someone who kinda reaches into me and drags me out of this little cage I've put myself in. Last week my mom had the week off, which meant she saw the day to day routine, of going to bed late, waking up at half one, getting dressed at five, sitting, doing nothing, surviving, breathing. I have filled my time with paper folding, I haven't raged and ranted and cried my bleeding heart out. I've sat. And filled myself with nothing because now I think I really know what loss is.
I am feeling so lost. Just adrift in a sea of women drama and women chaos and women words. I think the gravity of it all has finally sunk into me and I hurt. I ache in a place I've never ached before. Something that doesn't surface, it just seems to bury deeper and deeper and this self isolation is beginning to consume me.
I'm glad of one thing out of all of this, there is someone actively there, I get at least a text message every day, she drags me out of the house and for a few hours its like there's a hand on the wound and the pain stops pouring out of me. I feel fucked up and used beyond recognition.
I'm completely exhausted, I'm not eating right, I'm not sleeping properly and I know exactly what I should be doing, I should be pulling myself together, I just.... lack the strength anymore.
I am not wallowing, I'm occupying my mind with a lack of thought, there's this big mental block, I refuse to think anymore, I just exist as a body with a mind inside it.
Have you ever felt like, the universe was saying one thing and one thing alone to you? Its not laughing at you, there is no conspiracy against you, your completely rational and logical, but everything that happens around you is separate from you so you become like this particle drifting along in an ocean because there's nothing left to worry about or think about or get upset about or get paranoid about or stress about and actually because your so wrapped up in yourself, if anything did happen it would just glance off you like water off a ducks back. And that one thing is only this: Welcome to your life. You've always been living it, but never really paying that much attention because your so good at surrounding yourself with people that make drama to entertain themselves because they have nothing else in life. So welcome to your life.
Maybe I've got this chance to better myself now. Maybe I've got this massive opportunity to sit back and become that recluse I've always predicted I'd become. I'm not waiting for anything anymore. I'm not waiting for life to start with someone. Because suddenly it feels like I've got my life back, its not dictated by someone, its not someone elses business all the time, its like I have myself back.
But oddly. As beautiful as this revelation is, I know one thing: I am not alright. But I will be.
I have not fallen into a drunken whirlwind of one night stands and making an ass of myself. I will be alright and not for anybody else's benefit. I will be alright for me. I will answer to me. I will not be owned or belong to anyone. I will not be someones play thing, or just this person to get attention of when someone elses is lonely.
I'm bitter. I'm cynical. I've accepted this. I'm angry. Very angry. So much so that one day I believe I will breathe fire and smoke will come out of my ears because all of it. Letting go has never been an issue for me. Accepting things are gone also not an issue. Accepting what people have done is an issue. I see no karma or justification for it. But someday. It will happen, whether or not I'm there to see it.
I'm not talking to anyone today because the people around me, or at least most of them wouldn't listen, and if they did it would be to indulge me and then complain about it later. Or they would expect something profound and unsettling to spring forth. There is one thing I've never taken into consideration, every day of my life I've tried to relate to people, tried to talk, tried to listen, tried to get just one person on this earth to understand even a little bit of who I am, sure they get the surface, they get the mannerisms they get the strange sense of humour and the bizzarity. But they never get me. They never see whats under the surface, they pretend, they really do, but here's the thing, the ultimate cruncher that is destined to change my view of 'people' forever and a day: Nobody will ever understand me, like I do.
Its impossible for anyone to understand the intricate detail of every emotion and reaction because they don't feel the way you do. So why trust someone with that detail? Why trust someone to take a peak inside and see what your made of? I will never make that mistake again.
Sure it is a mistake really to put all of this here, because it is so personal and so public at the same time. And sure really this is a pile of self indulgent crap anyway and nobody cares.
Its wrong in fact because if a certain person reads this I'd get it in the neck because this is how I feel and god me i'm not allowed to have a broad spectrum of emotion. But the thing is, this is just a computer screen to me, these are just words, what you make of them is different to what I make of them. And really how I depict my emotion is as good as fiction to you anyway.
Thursday, 20 August 2009
Sunday, 26 July 2009
Euphoria
Saturday I had the best night of my life. It consisted of my friends BBQ. Drinking from four in the afternoon, eating very little and finding this amazing place within myself. I drank a fair bit at my friend's house but when we got on the town I threw the vodka down my throat and when we moved from the pub to the club... I found myself very lashed but completely unrestrained.
If you've ever locked yourself in a box, with all your insecurity and doubt and suddenly exploded out of that into the euphoria of an evening, you'll know where it was I went. I found myself completely free, I was flying mentally, I didn't care if I looked like a prat, I was just completely gone out in a freefall and nothing could've stopped me.
Half the night escapes me even now, because I was in a different place, happy, just blissfully happy, I got in at half two this morning rolled into bed and couldn't sleep, woke up at seven and couldn't go back to sleep, drifted off eventually and then woke up at eleven.
Needless to say I haven't moved very far since I woke up. But that doesn't matter.
If you've ever locked yourself in a box, with all your insecurity and doubt and suddenly exploded out of that into the euphoria of an evening, you'll know where it was I went. I found myself completely free, I was flying mentally, I didn't care if I looked like a prat, I was just completely gone out in a freefall and nothing could've stopped me.
Half the night escapes me even now, because I was in a different place, happy, just blissfully happy, I got in at half two this morning rolled into bed and couldn't sleep, woke up at seven and couldn't go back to sleep, drifted off eventually and then woke up at eleven.
Needless to say I haven't moved very far since I woke up. But that doesn't matter.
Tuesday, 21 July 2009
Nothing Lasts
It was as if she had taken one of those pastry cutters, the kind used for cutting biscuits, pressed it into my chest for long enough and then went away with a big bit of muscle, still beating in the shape. And I was truely miserable.
Monday, 20 July 2009
Forever is Never
Some days the people who rescue us are never the people we expect. I usually imagine the most beautiful woman on earth sweeping me up on a horse to ride off into the sunset, and then we'd find her home was a beautiful fairy castle and we'd make mad passionate love on every surface within this castle before me lying in her arms and her telling me just how okay it was.
I slowed down somewhat, a lot really, took a good look at the situation I was in and today it finally ended. Thus ends this relationship for the last time. Nothing happened, the sky did not shatter into a million pieces and time did not freeze completely... I did not walk down the road howling in pain while my face reddened with tears, there was no thunderstorm, there was no cinematic afterward, I was not struck down by a vehicle, I did not run and have others follow. There was no music in the background, there was only blue skies and sunshine. Instead it was a 19 year old boy, out of the blue texting me asking me if I would be down the pub Thursday. A brief conversation and some concern later and he actually did exactly what I needed at that moment. I needed to know I was doing something this week, I needed to know people cared and I needed to know that someone, if I needed them, would be there even if it was just to get pissed with and cover up the wounds with a bit of old rag.
A hundred entries in this thing, with a good portion missing actually, and talk about a journey. And I'm so weary. The inevitable destination has arrived. Woopee. Someone crack out the cider. So why is it that I feel nothing? Because I already knew? Yes. Because I've spent every day since I met her morning her loss, yes. Because I've been pushed and pulled to the point where I don't know whether I'm coming or going... yes. Or just maybe, at the very end I really did just let go and do what I always do when I know the end is near: harden up, slam the door and build a new wall to keep them out. I once described myself to a therapist, saying that my defenses were like liquid and I would freeze them around people depending on the circumstances the would not move, they would not breathe in my world until I commanded it. And when it was safe for them to return to my world and they would not be trampling all over sore bits, then and only then they would be able to walk free.
Really what I was trying to say was something close to the 'you will sit on the naughty step for x amount of minutes and think about what you've done.' And in a sense it works. And I think today I slipped back into my old shell and took back to it. Mix cornflour and water in a washing up bowl.... running your fingers through it slowly finds it a liquid, easy to maneuver in, yet apply and force or pressure and it acts like a solid and any force as in punching it with your hand will be, in a sense, thrown back at you by a slab of cornflower-water. Perfect metaphor. Basic physics. Who knew.
I slowed down somewhat, a lot really, took a good look at the situation I was in and today it finally ended. Thus ends this relationship for the last time. Nothing happened, the sky did not shatter into a million pieces and time did not freeze completely... I did not walk down the road howling in pain while my face reddened with tears, there was no thunderstorm, there was no cinematic afterward, I was not struck down by a vehicle, I did not run and have others follow. There was no music in the background, there was only blue skies and sunshine. Instead it was a 19 year old boy, out of the blue texting me asking me if I would be down the pub Thursday. A brief conversation and some concern later and he actually did exactly what I needed at that moment. I needed to know I was doing something this week, I needed to know people cared and I needed to know that someone, if I needed them, would be there even if it was just to get pissed with and cover up the wounds with a bit of old rag.
A hundred entries in this thing, with a good portion missing actually, and talk about a journey. And I'm so weary. The inevitable destination has arrived. Woopee. Someone crack out the cider. So why is it that I feel nothing? Because I already knew? Yes. Because I've spent every day since I met her morning her loss, yes. Because I've been pushed and pulled to the point where I don't know whether I'm coming or going... yes. Or just maybe, at the very end I really did just let go and do what I always do when I know the end is near: harden up, slam the door and build a new wall to keep them out. I once described myself to a therapist, saying that my defenses were like liquid and I would freeze them around people depending on the circumstances the would not move, they would not breathe in my world until I commanded it. And when it was safe for them to return to my world and they would not be trampling all over sore bits, then and only then they would be able to walk free.
Really what I was trying to say was something close to the 'you will sit on the naughty step for x amount of minutes and think about what you've done.' And in a sense it works. And I think today I slipped back into my old shell and took back to it. Mix cornflour and water in a washing up bowl.... running your fingers through it slowly finds it a liquid, easy to maneuver in, yet apply and force or pressure and it acts like a solid and any force as in punching it with your hand will be, in a sense, thrown back at you by a slab of cornflower-water. Perfect metaphor. Basic physics. Who knew.
Sunday, 19 July 2009
.... and then I looked out of my window and it was raining
If I leave myself away from people long enough a strange thing happens. Firstly I have an odd tantrum, consisting mostly of 'I don't want to be alone'. But eventually, if I pull away slowly enough and can then tolerate my own company again something very odd happens. I stop running. You know that rushing, snowball effect drama, stress and life can have? Its as if someone snaps there fingers and it all melts away. I can go where I wish. Do as I wish. And have to answer to no one. And I can find infinate peace in nothingness.
Bizzare no? I can say I've done my own thing since yesturday morning maybe before then actually, I'm not sure, and there it is. I am just myself I can dream, I can say what I wish and I can think how I like. I've no obligation to anyone but myself. And today I savour this feeling because eventually the bubble with burst.
For now the pain is far away, the hurt is numbed and seperate from myself. I am really a magician, an escape artist of sorts and strangely enough, leave me alone for long enough and the baggage vanishes, the memories of everything ever done in the past year are forgotten, the chaos subsides and out of that something else appears. And I like to think, that something else is myself. So for now at least, its nice to be lonely.
Bizzare no? I can say I've done my own thing since yesturday morning maybe before then actually, I'm not sure, and there it is. I am just myself I can dream, I can say what I wish and I can think how I like. I've no obligation to anyone but myself. And today I savour this feeling because eventually the bubble with burst.
For now the pain is far away, the hurt is numbed and seperate from myself. I am really a magician, an escape artist of sorts and strangely enough, leave me alone for long enough and the baggage vanishes, the memories of everything ever done in the past year are forgotten, the chaos subsides and out of that something else appears. And I like to think, that something else is myself. So for now at least, its nice to be lonely.
Friday, 17 July 2009
Okay...
So I never did too well at staying away from a perfectly good outlet.
So. First question: How do you feel? A mixture of a lot of things thank you. Second question: Whats life looking like for you? Gained a few inches I suppose. Still an angry bugger. Still demending. Still needy. Still alive.
Have you ever got to the point where you just want to be heard... you keep saying the words but there not really going anywhere and the words you are saying are all the wrong ones and then you find yourself kicking yourself up the arse because everything your saying isn't really you at all. Well thats what I feel like. Think its just about time to stop speaking and start writing it all down. In one way or another.
Come on you pissing titbag what the hell are you doing!!?! I feel so much like I'm banging my head against a brick wall and blood's starting to come out of my ears. And the wall isn't anyone else but myself. I'm rushing too much. Keep snow balling. Need to bloody stop it. Need a bloody kick up the arse and a reality check.
Okay okay okay. Its fine there's a lot of stress there... your not good with stress. What else? I'm terrified things are happening beyond my control. Okay firstly (a conversation purely for myself) your not in control of anything darling. Secondly if things are going to happen there going to happen so stop worrying stop. Right now. Stop it! Thirdly. Be good to yourself. If your winding yourself up about a stupid thing like that then your clearly damaging yourself to begin with! Yeah and I know you can't really sit down and have a conversation with yourself and tell yourself exactly what your doing wrong and explain how to fix it. And I know that somethings are just built into your personality. But really babe. Really. You are on the verge of loosing it all if you do not stop and THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU ARE DOING!!? Head connecting with wall please. Really!?! Why are we even having this conversation you know what your doing so why are you doing it?! Your frightened thats fine your entitled to be but the only person your really hurting here is yourself. Hell if your not on the verge of loosing it all you already have just because your a bloody bone head and won't listen to reason. Come on now. Your not this person. This is not you. You should not have turned into this person. Come on. Fix it now. You don't get an infinate number of chances and guess what matey your running out of them. Your arguments are solid yes you don't know whats going on, shes not letting you be there, shes pushing you away, you want to make it all better, you want to know what the right thing to say is, you want to be there, you want to feel like she can't breathe without you. But just stop right there and remember she's got a life too. And think about her priorities and exactly who it is she's really going to listen to. And really your a shitbag mate! COME ON!!!?! Don't lie down and just let her walk all over you but at least TRY and be bloody understanding!!?! And no more self loathing and self pity! You can do that in your own time just not around her! So your going to sort yourself out your going to be calmer, your going to respond like NORMAL people do to things and your going to stop being so bloody volitile otherwise we're really going to have words my friend. Put all your dangerous bang bang chaos chaos screamy scream shit in a box! And only open that box when you are a) being creative b) exercising!!? YES YOU HEARD ME YOU LAZY BASTARD! YOU NEED TO DO MORE! or c) whatever else might need an extra boost of energy. Your capible of a lot and you know it. You shouldn't be being this destructive. Wake up!!
Okay... I'm sure telling yourself off isn't something normal... but sure. Okay. So lets do this.
So. First question: How do you feel? A mixture of a lot of things thank you. Second question: Whats life looking like for you? Gained a few inches I suppose. Still an angry bugger. Still demending. Still needy. Still alive.
Have you ever got to the point where you just want to be heard... you keep saying the words but there not really going anywhere and the words you are saying are all the wrong ones and then you find yourself kicking yourself up the arse because everything your saying isn't really you at all. Well thats what I feel like. Think its just about time to stop speaking and start writing it all down. In one way or another.
Come on you pissing titbag what the hell are you doing!!?! I feel so much like I'm banging my head against a brick wall and blood's starting to come out of my ears. And the wall isn't anyone else but myself. I'm rushing too much. Keep snow balling. Need to bloody stop it. Need a bloody kick up the arse and a reality check.
Okay okay okay. Its fine there's a lot of stress there... your not good with stress. What else? I'm terrified things are happening beyond my control. Okay firstly (a conversation purely for myself) your not in control of anything darling. Secondly if things are going to happen there going to happen so stop worrying stop. Right now. Stop it! Thirdly. Be good to yourself. If your winding yourself up about a stupid thing like that then your clearly damaging yourself to begin with! Yeah and I know you can't really sit down and have a conversation with yourself and tell yourself exactly what your doing wrong and explain how to fix it. And I know that somethings are just built into your personality. But really babe. Really. You are on the verge of loosing it all if you do not stop and THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU ARE DOING!!? Head connecting with wall please. Really!?! Why are we even having this conversation you know what your doing so why are you doing it?! Your frightened thats fine your entitled to be but the only person your really hurting here is yourself. Hell if your not on the verge of loosing it all you already have just because your a bloody bone head and won't listen to reason. Come on now. Your not this person. This is not you. You should not have turned into this person. Come on. Fix it now. You don't get an infinate number of chances and guess what matey your running out of them. Your arguments are solid yes you don't know whats going on, shes not letting you be there, shes pushing you away, you want to make it all better, you want to know what the right thing to say is, you want to be there, you want to feel like she can't breathe without you. But just stop right there and remember she's got a life too. And think about her priorities and exactly who it is she's really going to listen to. And really your a shitbag mate! COME ON!!!?! Don't lie down and just let her walk all over you but at least TRY and be bloody understanding!!?! And no more self loathing and self pity! You can do that in your own time just not around her! So your going to sort yourself out your going to be calmer, your going to respond like NORMAL people do to things and your going to stop being so bloody volitile otherwise we're really going to have words my friend. Put all your dangerous bang bang chaos chaos screamy scream shit in a box! And only open that box when you are a) being creative b) exercising!!? YES YOU HEARD ME YOU LAZY BASTARD! YOU NEED TO DO MORE! or c) whatever else might need an extra boost of energy. Your capible of a lot and you know it. You shouldn't be being this destructive. Wake up!!
Okay... I'm sure telling yourself off isn't something normal... but sure. Okay. So lets do this.
Sunday, 24 May 2009
The Burst Bubble
Ya know I've cried so much since yesterday around 5 o clock. I've done a good job of pushing it down where I can't feel it, until I popped. I just wanted one day away from everything. One day. Is that so FUCKING HARD!?! I wanted a good laugh, good times and just to forget everything. And they couldn't even do that could they. No they started arguing between themselves and then started on me. And I walked off. And got five minutes away before falling to pieces on a bench in the middle of town. And I was there for an hour. An hour for Christ's sake. I'm a complete train wreak. And it hurts so badly.
I didn't stop breaking down until I got home and my mom found me in bits. And she sat down and listened and that's all I wanted all day I just wanted someone to give a shit about me for a change instead of thinking about themselves constantly or everyone else. Just to focus on me for ten minutes because I actually do matter.
I don't think I've ever hurt so much in my life. I've had the worst eight months of my life and my heart ripped out more times then I can count and its not fair. What did I do? I chased after a girl with a girlfriend sure stupid. Sure shouldn't have bothered. And what happened? I got fucked over and fucked up. And she doesn't listen to me does she? Oh no. She doesn't. She won't see past anything that she believes to be correct. Apparently this situation is black, white and grey. Bullshit is it. Its black and white. You have a girlfriend. You stayed with your girlfriend and you dragged me along for 8 months and are still trying to do it. So with every respect: back off and leave me alone. Whats the grey then? I see no grey. Oh you love me is that it..... if you loved me you'd have dumped her the minute I said me or her! But no you know you can walk all over me and treat me like a fucking paid whore.
You've got your fairytale really. The girl you were with before is the girl you got back with. So fate should tell you that your perfect for each other. Cos she really gives a damn about you doesn't she. You could shag anyone tomorrow and she'd still lick your arse. And you know I won't take that. Cos I know I deserve better.
I deserve so much better then you. Your right I am far too good for you. Cos you've done nothing but treat me like crap since the day we met. And maybe this is all my fault and I started it all. Your intentions count for nothing.
I'm no saint. I've made mistakes. I've hurt you. But you've done worse. You've always had it all. And I've always had nothing but the skin on my back and this string to hold on to. This string attached to, but maybe this and maybe that and what if this and what if that. Just waiting for you to make a goddamn decision. And apparently you can't make this decision now eight months on from this all starting. So here's mine. I've let go of this string. And now I'm just simply floating away from you.
You can text me all you want about this but I'm not replying. You can try and phone me but I'm not answering. I am not yours. I don't belong to anyone and neither does my heart. This is the bubble bursting. This is the amnesia clearing. I'm not forgetting anymore. It hurts. Its your fault.
And this is the last post in this blog. Because I've had enough of baring my soul to you and getting nothing but trampled over. And I hope she knows I was in your bed Tuesday.
No more pretending. It's over.
I didn't stop breaking down until I got home and my mom found me in bits. And she sat down and listened and that's all I wanted all day I just wanted someone to give a shit about me for a change instead of thinking about themselves constantly or everyone else. Just to focus on me for ten minutes because I actually do matter.
I don't think I've ever hurt so much in my life. I've had the worst eight months of my life and my heart ripped out more times then I can count and its not fair. What did I do? I chased after a girl with a girlfriend sure stupid. Sure shouldn't have bothered. And what happened? I got fucked over and fucked up. And she doesn't listen to me does she? Oh no. She doesn't. She won't see past anything that she believes to be correct. Apparently this situation is black, white and grey. Bullshit is it. Its black and white. You have a girlfriend. You stayed with your girlfriend and you dragged me along for 8 months and are still trying to do it. So with every respect: back off and leave me alone. Whats the grey then? I see no grey. Oh you love me is that it..... if you loved me you'd have dumped her the minute I said me or her! But no you know you can walk all over me and treat me like a fucking paid whore.
You've got your fairytale really. The girl you were with before is the girl you got back with. So fate should tell you that your perfect for each other. Cos she really gives a damn about you doesn't she. You could shag anyone tomorrow and she'd still lick your arse. And you know I won't take that. Cos I know I deserve better.
I deserve so much better then you. Your right I am far too good for you. Cos you've done nothing but treat me like crap since the day we met. And maybe this is all my fault and I started it all. Your intentions count for nothing.
I'm no saint. I've made mistakes. I've hurt you. But you've done worse. You've always had it all. And I've always had nothing but the skin on my back and this string to hold on to. This string attached to, but maybe this and maybe that and what if this and what if that. Just waiting for you to make a goddamn decision. And apparently you can't make this decision now eight months on from this all starting. So here's mine. I've let go of this string. And now I'm just simply floating away from you.
You can text me all you want about this but I'm not replying. You can try and phone me but I'm not answering. I am not yours. I don't belong to anyone and neither does my heart. This is the bubble bursting. This is the amnesia clearing. I'm not forgetting anymore. It hurts. Its your fault.
And this is the last post in this blog. Because I've had enough of baring my soul to you and getting nothing but trampled over. And I hope she knows I was in your bed Tuesday.
No more pretending. It's over.
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