Emotion is a fundamental part of living. You can't get away from it. Its a solitary thing. A single stream of uncontrollable conciousness from inside you out.
I feel.... tired. Constantly. I'm not lacking sleep today, I slept from half one this morning to twelve this afternoon. I'm fed. I'm relatively content. I'm alive. Theres oxygen in my body. I haven't drank since wednsday. I feel quite low. Like I'm lacking attachment to anything. The suns out. I think I might shower, get my shorts on and sit in my garden and write. Whether or not I'm productive is another question.
Not sure where I've gone....? Somewhere....
Sunday, 5 April 2009
Before sleep
Today's been one of those. I'm really appreciating the little things today. Like, coming home to my bed and realising its one of the comfiest places in the world. This is a beautiful feeling. Earlier I was thinking: my bed hair clearly looks so much better then when I style it. I didn't particularly run anywhere today. But little things today. Like my bacon and egg sarnie. Like random cuddles with a close mate in the pub. Today its just been nice being alive, in a funny sort of way I'm appreciating it instead of dreading tomorrow, or the next hour. I'm not sure why.
Today I won at something. Pool. Not just a game. Killer pool. Pool played with many people for money. And yeah it was a whole eight quid but I won. I never win at anything. Maybe it was because I was the only sober one in the room. But I don't care.
I feel sick again.
I'm still so tired. Its like a never ending exhaustion.
Today I won at something. Pool. Not just a game. Killer pool. Pool played with many people for money. And yeah it was a whole eight quid but I won. I never win at anything. Maybe it was because I was the only sober one in the room. But I don't care.
I feel sick again.
I'm still so tired. Its like a never ending exhaustion.
Saturday, 4 April 2009
Ilene-fucking-chaiken-land
Today has been a bit of a duvet day. I woke up at ten to a bacon an egg sarnie. Ate less then half of it and then spent nearly two hours staring at my ceiling. I got out of bed for tea. Nothing more nothing less. Just tea, and then the dog joined me in bed and I started watching the latest series of the L word, series 6, the finally - apparently.
So my thoughts: Its dreadfully short. This series, is a whole 8 episodes long. For anyone who has no clue what I'm on about the L word is a lesbian soap that documents pretty well the drama and chaos in an regular lesbian day.
So. Jenny dies. And who kills Jenny. NOBODY KNOWS. Because this is 'the L word land' so if somebody knows who kills Jenny fucking Schecter let me know. Because I'm rather irritated. In a perfect world, this series would end like this:
BUT DOES ANY OF THIS HAPPEN!?! NO!?!!?!!!?!!?! Because this is fucking Ilene Chaiken land!?! Why does the season end so quickly?!! BECAUSE SHE RAN OUT OF IDEAS!?!! *tantrum* WHY IS IT SO BLOODY INFURIATING?! BECAUSE IS ILENE CHAIKEN LAND!?!!?!!?
Anyway. Back to my life. My parents have decided there turning half the garden into a farm. Or an allotment. Depending on how your looking at it. Unfortunately my pleas for chickens, a goat called Magic and a pig have been ignored.
I am rather disappointed. :( I really want a goat called Magic. :(
Oh and did I mention there's going to be a spin off show? Oh yes believe it. Its going to be called 'the Farm' and Alice stays. Its going to be about a bunch of dykes stuck in prison, so clearly Alice is framed, because Alice is far to nice to kill Jenny.
So my thoughts: Its dreadfully short. This series, is a whole 8 episodes long. For anyone who has no clue what I'm on about the L word is a lesbian soap that documents pretty well the drama and chaos in an regular lesbian day.
- Season 1: 14 Episodes
- Season 2: 13 Episodes
- Season 3: 12 Episodes (Why am I seeing a pattern here?)
- Season 4: 12 Episodes (Oh look pattern broken)
- Season 5: 12 Episodes (Okay... this is still good 12 is a nice respectable number)
- Season 6: 8 Episodes (What...!? EIGHT!!? IS THAT IT?! WHY EIGHT!?!)
So. Jenny dies. And who kills Jenny. NOBODY KNOWS. Because this is 'the L word land' so if somebody knows who kills Jenny fucking Schecter let me know. Because I'm rather irritated. In a perfect world, this series would end like this:
- Jenny Dies [X] (WOOOP THAT ONE HAPPENED!!!)
- Bette and Tina don't move to NY and adopt Max's baby, leaving Tom to realise he's an arse and come back and marry Max (Oh and Max would learn that facial hair is really a no no) [?]
- Dana is raised from the grave to rescue Alice while Tash and Jamie get it on because there so clearly made for each other. [?]
- Helena would realise shes becoming an alcoholic and would in fact stop drinking because its fueling her paranoia and her trust issues. Which in turn would mean Dylan would return after a decent haircut and return to the fit little bit she was and marry Helena and there would be a big happy ending [?]
- Kit and that drag queen will marry and be nice and happy together. (its on the way I can tell therefore it gets an X) [X]
- Molly will realise Shane didn't get her letter and come back to find that Carmen is back on the block and will be maid of honour at Shane and Carmen's wedding. Because that's what was supposed to happen to begin with. [?]
- Jenny and Shane never had a romantic relationship and the entire thing was a bad dream on Shane's part and she wakes up to realise shes back in season three and is back with Carmen. [?]
- Oh and Shay is rescued from his horrible horrible father and Shane, Carmen and Shay live happily ever after. [?]
- And Tim will realise he is responsible for Jenny's death and will suffer a horrible horrible suicide through alcohol poisoning out of guilt for Jenny's death and for driving her into the arms of a woman which consequently started the entire of the bloody L word. [?]
- And then Marina will appear, not a psycho, not insane, not depressed and completely over Jenny and the south of France! And she will be gorgeous and amazing again! [?]
- Oh oh oh ohoh oh ohohhhh!?! AND IT TURNS OUT THAT ADELE KILLED JENNY BECAUSE SHES A PSYCHO OH AND WHERE WAS THAT TART BY THE WAY?!?!? WHY DID SHE JUST VANISH INTO THE VOID!?! REALLY REALLY REALLY!?! STUPID STUPID STUPID!?!?! [?]
BUT DOES ANY OF THIS HAPPEN!?! NO!?!!?!!!?!!?! Because this is fucking Ilene Chaiken land!?! Why does the season end so quickly?!! BECAUSE SHE RAN OUT OF IDEAS!?!! *tantrum* WHY IS IT SO BLOODY INFURIATING?! BECAUSE IS ILENE CHAIKEN LAND!?!!?!!?
Anyway. Back to my life. My parents have decided there turning half the garden into a farm. Or an allotment. Depending on how your looking at it. Unfortunately my pleas for chickens, a goat called Magic and a pig have been ignored.
I am rather disappointed. :( I really want a goat called Magic. :(
Oh and did I mention there's going to be a spin off show? Oh yes believe it. Its going to be called 'the Farm' and Alice stays. Its going to be about a bunch of dykes stuck in prison, so clearly Alice is framed, because Alice is far to nice to kill Jenny.
Friday, 3 April 2009
She's always looking at me....
Horoscope
There is an exciting surprise coming your way today, and it's going to push a few of your carefully-made plans off the track -- but you've been hoping for more spontaneous energy in your life, so this will be a very good thing! You'll be delighted by the unexpected developments and you'll be happy to be flexible. You can accommodate whatever has to happen. Plus, you'll find new appreciation for the unknown. This is a great day to build a new tradition and leave an outdated one far behind you
Spontaneous energy? you lie. Pssh. Unexpected developments? Where? Flexible? Does this mean I'm getting some at last? Urgh.
There is an exciting surprise coming your way today, and it's going to push a few of your carefully-made plans off the track -- but you've been hoping for more spontaneous energy in your life, so this will be a very good thing! You'll be delighted by the unexpected developments and you'll be happy to be flexible. You can accommodate whatever has to happen. Plus, you'll find new appreciation for the unknown. This is a great day to build a new tradition and leave an outdated one far behind you
Spontaneous energy? you lie. Pssh. Unexpected developments? Where? Flexible? Does this mean I'm getting some at last? Urgh.
another day... in this life.
I'm am horrifically tired. I spent most of the night awake, picturing my eventual self destruction and could do nothing but picture it.
I cut my arms up elbow to wrist and then take it too far and cut across whatever vein and my mother finds me. Problem with empathising with the main character too much is, you know someone will always find away to save you. Self indulgent. Self absorbed. I have visions of me walking into the pub bandaged up. Refusing drink and getting copped by a few friends who are horrified. And then getting sent away into a supposed 'safe' place. Sectioned. For lack of a better word.
My brain is throbbing. So tired. Just one more day and then I can fall apart. Just one more day. I just need to make it through today and I can be as much as a shambles as I want. Two weeks off and I need to have a very scary conversation with my dad about making a doctors appointment.
I'm afraid, there's nothing more to say.
I cut my arms up elbow to wrist and then take it too far and cut across whatever vein and my mother finds me. Problem with empathising with the main character too much is, you know someone will always find away to save you. Self indulgent. Self absorbed. I have visions of me walking into the pub bandaged up. Refusing drink and getting copped by a few friends who are horrified. And then getting sent away into a supposed 'safe' place. Sectioned. For lack of a better word.
My brain is throbbing. So tired. Just one more day and then I can fall apart. Just one more day. I just need to make it through today and I can be as much as a shambles as I want. Two weeks off and I need to have a very scary conversation with my dad about making a doctors appointment.
I'm afraid, there's nothing more to say.
Thursday, 2 April 2009
bang.................'shite is that.... is that your eye?'
Today I promised one of my lecturers that I was going to seek medical help.
I've had this conversation with her millions of times in my head, sometimes I'm screaming, smashing her face in and the conversation ends with her sailing out of the third story window. Other times I do nothing but break down.
Today I did nothing but break down. And I'm so full of this emotion that it comes again and again and again and I don't even know why now. No ones died. I'm not dying of some disease. I just can't seem to win. My entire life is one big failure. Because everything I try to do amounts to nothing.
Yes I'm being negative. I'm irrational and not in my right mind. But the fundamental law of my life is: I always lose.
Apparently its not a defeat to admit you need help. But why do I feel like it is? I'm nineteen? I shouldn't be this troubled. I can't deal with stress. I put far too much pressure on myself. And I'm terrified. And I know theres at least one person on this earth that is going to be reading this and make this post about them. It'll be something like: Why did you say that it makes me feel so bad? Or I don't like you being sad. Or I don't like your latest post. But before you decide to text me some bullshit about how you don't like me being sad or how you don't like my latest post because it makes you feel so very upset. Take this into consideration. This is my blog. This is my space. And I'll post what I fucking please because if I don't put it here where the hell am I going to put it?
Anyway. Tangent. I'm terrified. Of what? The unknown. The new. The lets throw you out of your comfort zone. The: oh my life I have no fucking clue what I'm going to do. I'm frightened. What am I meant to do? What!? WHAT IS IT!?! Run hide? Go? Leave? Stay? What?! Go forwards go backwards go left go right? What is it!?! Cos I don't bloody know. All I know is that I'm sitting with my laptop on across my legs, crying again, shaking again caught halfway between panic and hysteria.
There's too much in my head. At this rate I'm on a one way trip to crazy town.
And this is the odd thing. Ten seconds after describing myself crying shaking etc. I shut down completely and it all goes away. Its like this six inches of runway. I'm sitting at one airport and before I know it I've screamed my way down to the other airport and I'm at a completely different place. And how do I feel? Sick. Tired. Dead inside. I feel like someone has taken a giant chainsaw and cut me in half and my guts are kinda sloshing around all over the place.
I'm now sitting in the erratic place. Mild panic, mild disorder, I feel ill and fuzzyheaded. I've eaten. I'm tired. This happened earlier. Its like my head isn't attached to my shoulders. The bit inbetween my ears is really heavy.
I think I'm actually going mad. Little bit confused.
I've had this conversation with her millions of times in my head, sometimes I'm screaming, smashing her face in and the conversation ends with her sailing out of the third story window. Other times I do nothing but break down.
Today I did nothing but break down. And I'm so full of this emotion that it comes again and again and again and I don't even know why now. No ones died. I'm not dying of some disease. I just can't seem to win. My entire life is one big failure. Because everything I try to do amounts to nothing.
Yes I'm being negative. I'm irrational and not in my right mind. But the fundamental law of my life is: I always lose.
Apparently its not a defeat to admit you need help. But why do I feel like it is? I'm nineteen? I shouldn't be this troubled. I can't deal with stress. I put far too much pressure on myself. And I'm terrified. And I know theres at least one person on this earth that is going to be reading this and make this post about them. It'll be something like: Why did you say that it makes me feel so bad? Or I don't like you being sad. Or I don't like your latest post. But before you decide to text me some bullshit about how you don't like me being sad or how you don't like my latest post because it makes you feel so very upset. Take this into consideration. This is my blog. This is my space. And I'll post what I fucking please because if I don't put it here where the hell am I going to put it?
Anyway. Tangent. I'm terrified. Of what? The unknown. The new. The lets throw you out of your comfort zone. The: oh my life I have no fucking clue what I'm going to do. I'm frightened. What am I meant to do? What!? WHAT IS IT!?! Run hide? Go? Leave? Stay? What?! Go forwards go backwards go left go right? What is it!?! Cos I don't bloody know. All I know is that I'm sitting with my laptop on across my legs, crying again, shaking again caught halfway between panic and hysteria.
There's too much in my head. At this rate I'm on a one way trip to crazy town.
And this is the odd thing. Ten seconds after describing myself crying shaking etc. I shut down completely and it all goes away. Its like this six inches of runway. I'm sitting at one airport and before I know it I've screamed my way down to the other airport and I'm at a completely different place. And how do I feel? Sick. Tired. Dead inside. I feel like someone has taken a giant chainsaw and cut me in half and my guts are kinda sloshing around all over the place.
I'm now sitting in the erratic place. Mild panic, mild disorder, I feel ill and fuzzyheaded. I've eaten. I'm tired. This happened earlier. Its like my head isn't attached to my shoulders. The bit inbetween my ears is really heavy.
I think I'm actually going mad. Little bit confused.
Wednesday, 1 April 2009
Time is relative...
...to the time spent wasting it.
I won't lie to you I don't believe in time. If time was purely real, moments of your life wouldn't last several years and several years wouldn't last moments. Soon I have two weeks off. And for this I am more then grateful because I will turn these two weeks into two years and simply exist because its what I'm supposed to do.
I'm a little bit hungover. Yesterday I decided college was cancelled, so I could spend my evening doing things of more importance. Like going to the pub and having good times with a few close friends. The problem with this is hanging out with someone you haven't seen for ages - you suddenly realise how small the world is. The knowing everyone in the pub you don't. So small. Or is that just the lesbian community?
I'm quite sleepy again, quite, tired in a 'thank god' kind of way. Currently I'm just very very willing to curl up in my blanket and sleep. But that could be because I had a horrible night's sleep. I got home at one, after walking home, and I was awake and then asleep and then awake and then asleep and in a horrible amount of pain because I came on yesterday. So lying in bed asking myself why I was gifted with a uterus turned into creeping down stairs in the search of painkillers at 3:40. And after that it was plain sailing. Just sleeps. Nothing less.
I think may be, I've caught up with myself, if that makes any sense? I still don't really want to talk, I don't want answers to questions. And I think that's best for now. I've been racing for so long that I've kind of stopped and let my feet catch up.
A fair bit of Monday I wanted to be sick, not through feeling ill, or eating too much or not eating enough. Tuesday wasn't so bad and my appetites back. And today? Today is just another day.
I think its time to play Squeaky.
I won't lie to you I don't believe in time. If time was purely real, moments of your life wouldn't last several years and several years wouldn't last moments. Soon I have two weeks off. And for this I am more then grateful because I will turn these two weeks into two years and simply exist because its what I'm supposed to do.
I'm a little bit hungover. Yesterday I decided college was cancelled, so I could spend my evening doing things of more importance. Like going to the pub and having good times with a few close friends. The problem with this is hanging out with someone you haven't seen for ages - you suddenly realise how small the world is. The knowing everyone in the pub you don't. So small. Or is that just the lesbian community?
I'm quite sleepy again, quite, tired in a 'thank god' kind of way. Currently I'm just very very willing to curl up in my blanket and sleep. But that could be because I had a horrible night's sleep. I got home at one, after walking home, and I was awake and then asleep and then awake and then asleep and in a horrible amount of pain because I came on yesterday. So lying in bed asking myself why I was gifted with a uterus turned into creeping down stairs in the search of painkillers at 3:40. And after that it was plain sailing. Just sleeps. Nothing less.
I think may be, I've caught up with myself, if that makes any sense? I still don't really want to talk, I don't want answers to questions. And I think that's best for now. I've been racing for so long that I've kind of stopped and let my feet catch up.
A fair bit of Monday I wanted to be sick, not through feeling ill, or eating too much or not eating enough. Tuesday wasn't so bad and my appetites back. And today? Today is just another day.
I think its time to play Squeaky.
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