Nothing in Particular

So yesterday I had my hair cut. Ive got my summer hair on. No more mop. Shaved sides mohawk Esq. As it is I still feel like I've got no energy... I'm not sure why. Maybe I need to eat some nice stuff and then I'll feel better. But I've slept decent. Good ten hours.
Got in last night and nearly dropped off fully clothed so something in me had decided it was tired.
I'm going to lie in the sun today.

Go on google go on google go on google

This is clearly why I use this search engine. Cat in the hat and now the very hungry Caterpillar. Ah magic. :)

New plan

Okay... how about this..... after college I vanish up to scotland and then liverpool for a bit.... then mooch down to reading... then I take myself to london and get on a very nice coach for 15 quid. And take myself to amsterdam. How about that? This seems like a good plan. One problem.
Money. ¬.¬

Mush! Avante! Onwards! Upwards! GO!

18/03/09 - 12km - 20 mins.

I decided yesterday, after running through the bus station to get my bus that I have the cardio vascular system of a mushroom. But we will remedy this. There is a lot we are fixing. Regardless of what anyone else thinks because apparently we're not 'trying'. Because miracles happen surely I can flick a switch and it all vanishes. I don't care what you think. Say what you want be malicious add insult to injury I don't care. I don't care. I don't need you, I don't need anybody but myself because we get on quite well thank you. Me and Hyde have great conversations about you, we both think your a maniac and need to sort this head thing out.
I'm feeling righteous. And today I'm really fighting. Its been a day of up and down already. Angry, frustration and tears. But we're a unit, we've got the reigns and we're going to be fine how ever long it takes. Because we're a fighter. Not a survivor. Survivors lie on the floor weeping, mourning loss and grieving people they've lost and loose someone you need to have them in the first place. Fighters rise above it all, they keep there dukes up and bob and weave until that killer punch comes and the enemy is left on the floor bleeding. If you want peace, prepare for war. Justice. Always out numbered never out gunned. I can take a razor to my skin quite happily and not give a damn because I'm bleeding out all that crap that's swimming in myself. A mate said to me yesterday: I've known cutters but I've never seen anything as bad as that. Its not bad, its art. Twisted morbid art of no real worth.
A part of myself has vanished. I'm not lost, just wandering. Someday I will write about all of this but currently, I have no words. No real words, nothing of substance I could be cryptic, but that's only because I lack the ability to deal with anything. So I'll just say this and move on:
It was fun. Goodbye.
Motion. This is what we need. Motion. Pushing forward now. I've had enough of standing still and waiting.

Possibly one of the greatest songs on the planet:

Well I don't want to see you waiting
I've already gone too far away
I still can't keep the day from ending
No more messed up reasons for me to stay

Well this is not for real
Afraid to feel
I just hit the floor
Don't ask for more
I'm wasting my time
I'm wasting my time
You can't stop the feeling
And there's no reason
Let's make the call
And take it all again
Woah again

Months went by with us pretending
When did our light turn from green to red
I took a chance and left you standing
Lost the will to do this once again

Well this is not for real
Afraid to feel
I just hit the floor
Don't ask for more
I'm wasting my time
I'm wasting my time
You can't stop the feeling
And there's no reason
Let's make the call
And take it all
I'm wasting my time
I'm wasting my time again
Woah again

See you waiting
Lonesome, lonely
See you waiting
I see you waiting

Well this is not for real
Afraid to feel
I just hit the floor
Don't ask for more
I'm wasting my time
I'm wasting my time
You can't stop the feeling
And there's no reason
Let's make the call
And take it all
I'm wasting my time
I'm wasting...

Wasting my time by Default

Hyde

Okay so here I am again. And what do I have to say? I'm not really sure, think I know what the problem was, maybe? If I go on like I am I really know what the problem is. No I'm not going to elaborate because this is still theory.
So I'm here. And I slept relatively well and I'm starved. But my head is quiet. Like I've just had the best drug. Just relaxed, nothing to worry about, calm. I have a new favourite song. Hometown Glory by Adele. I was going to write last night, I walked through the door and decided to write 17,000 words before the first of april and mail it to the USA is a little far fetched even for me. But its okay because its a quarterly competition so I can always enter it on the first of july.
I really am getting back into the habit of posting here too. Because I need an outlet, and any writing is good writing. I could plan my life away but words never hitting the paper is becoming regular practise. Urgh.
I've made the concious decision to sort this out. And this kind of decision is binding. Its a contract I've mentally signed the penilty of not sorting it is death. Naturally. If we all have alter egos, the good and the bad, surely its possible to make them co exist. I do believe I've got a Jeckyll and Hyde complex. Dr. Jeckyll is calm serene and sane. But theres a trigger, I'm not really sure what it is, I've got a hunch but we'll see, and the minute someone touches the trigger Mr. Hyde is out to play and my brain runs at overspeed thrashing all rational thought into tiny bits. Its completely involentary. Its like there's this gremlin living in my head that enjoys jumping on the nerve that triggers Hyde. Who knows. I'll figure it out.

More research

Another website.

This is a blockier version... opening page is a selection of links taking you to different sections down the page and begins with this statement... which hits a little too close to home.

'When I'm in a manic phase, I feel as though I am capable of anything and everything. This can be an amazing feeling, but I sometimes get frustrated and angry with people. Ideas flow constantly and quickly, as if my brain is on fast-forward. Everything happening in the world has significance in my life.

But when I'm depressed, it's as if I'm completely crushed and living in slow motion. I feel capable of nothing.'

Yeah. Just about. So lets bold everything thats relevant. Because its a fun experiment.

What is bipolar disorder (manic depression)?

Someone diagnosed with bipolar disorder (formerly known as manic depression) may swing from moods of deep depression to periods of overactive, excited behaviour known as mania. Between these severe highs and lows can be stable times. Some people also see or hear things that others around them don't (known as having visual or auditory hallucinations or delusions).

Everybody has their ups and downs in daily life, but with bipolar disorder these changes are extreme. During the manic phase, people may feel euphoric, full of a sense of their own importance and brimming with ambitious schemes and ideas. They may spend money extravagantly, and build up debts. They may eat and sleep very little, and talk so quickly that it's difficult to understand them. They may be easily irritable and angry. Their libido can go into overdrive.

A person may be quite unaware of these changes in their attitude or behaviour. After a manic phase is over, they may be quite shocked at what they've done and the effect that it has had. People can be very creative during mania, and may feel that it's a very valuable experience.

Mania may flare up periodically, but depression is the most consistent symptom. People may feel overwhelming despair, guilt and worthlessness. They may feel chronic fatigue and gain weight, or have difficulty sleeping. They lose interest in everything. Problems concentrating and remembering things can make life very difficult and undermine the simplest tasks. The experience of bipolar disorder may provoke suicidal feelings.

The current diagnoses in the UK in 2006 are likely to be:

• Bipolar I or II, depending on the severity and the duration of the episodes of mania and/or depression.
• Cyclothymic disorder - with short periods of mild depression and short periods of hypomania.
• Rapid cycling - four or more episodes a year.
• Mixed states - periods of depression and elation at the same time.

(See www.nice.org.uk for 2006 guidelines to bipolar disorder.)

Some people have very few bipolar disorder episodes, with years of stability in between them. They may experience a couple of cycles (episodes) in their whole lifetime. Others have more frequent cycles.

About one to two per cent of the general population is diagnosed with bipolar disorder (a roughly equal number of men and women) usually in their 20s or 30s, although some teenagers are affected.

Ah dear. At least I'm beginning to recognize my ups and downs. Mania and depression is vile. Especially going from one to the other. And I think at the very least, education is needed. Understanding this thing is the way to figuring out how to really deal with it.

Amplified silence

Shall we peal back and stop being angry. Currently my feet ache, because I came into the good fortune of aquiring a pair of dr marten boots. My mate had dyed them black but I took it upon myself to spend a good two and a half hours scraping the majority off to reveal the beautiful green colour beneath. Currently they look rather good. They just need new laces and apparently new soles.
I've managed to burn and blister my mouth on my dinner. But today I had a chat with the girl thats causing me all of this agro. I find that the convictions and reasons I had in the morning fade by the afternoon and some sort of reason, reason of another kind appears. Rational thought returns. I am forced to remember my prespective is amplified. A whisper translates as a bellow. The hint of emotion is like a sledge hammer hitting me in the face.
I keep forgetting this. I'm overly sensitive. Just breathe. Relax. Stop worrying. Its part of my problem.

So lets frighten ourself. Lets research.
Lets look at the bbc website 'BBC > health > conditions> mental health> bipolar'

Bipolar (also known as manic depression) causes severe mood swings, that usually last several weeks or months and can be:

• Low mood, intense depression and despair.
• High or ‘manic’ feelings of joy, over-activity and loss of inhibitions.
• A 'mixed state' such as a depressed mood with the restlessness and over-activity of a manic episode.

So okay we can deal with this. Severe mood swings, yes this is very true. Low mood intense depression and despair... totally. High or 'manic' feelings of joy, over... yeah.... that's pretty much spot on. 'mixed state' yes all of this I can deal with.
It goes on to say its gene related... stress related and physical problems with the brain systems which control mood. Okay... this I can also deal with.

Depression:

• Feelings of unhappiness that won’t go away
• Agitation and restlessness
• Loss of confidence
• Feeling useless, inadequate or hopeless
• Unable to think positively
• Can't concentrate or make even simple decisions
• Loss of appetite
• Sleeping problems including waking early in the morning
• Lack of interest in sex
• Avoiding other people
• Thoughts of suicide

Mania

• General elation
• Feeling more important than usual
• Full of energy or ideas; moving quickly from one idea to another
• Unable, or don't want to sleep
• More interested than usual in sex
• Making unrealistic plans
• Overactive, talking quickly
• Irritable with other people who can't go along with your mood or ideas
• Spending money recklessly

So symptoms the nasty bit. I'm just going to bold the ones that appear frequently in my life. Yes.... mmm. Nasty nasty.

Psychotic Symptoms

If a mood swing becomes very severe, you may have 'psychotic’ symptoms. These include:

• When depressed, you feel guilty, worse than anybody else, or even that you don't exist.
• When manic, you may feel you’re on an important mission or you have special powers or abilities.
• You might also experience hallucinations - when you hear, smell, feel or see something that isn’t there.

Soo.... how many of these have we had. Guilty beyond belief... yes, completely, its always my fault. Manic... important mission? No I don't get that so much.... special powers... er... yes.... more so I believe I'm an invincible godlike creature that can take on anything.
Lovely. How fun it is to research.

Treatment (with notes)

There are three groups of mood stabilisers, which can take several months to work properly.

• Lithium is used to treat both manic and depressive episodes. It can be harmful if the dose is too high, so regular blood tests are needed. Side-effects include feeling thirsty, passing lots of urine and weight gain. (Scary scary)
  
• Anticonvulsants - used in epilepsy.
• ‘Atypical’ antipsychotics - used to treat schizophrenia. (Even scarier that schizophrenia is an irrational fear)
  

Psychological treatments can be particularly helpful in between episodes of mania or depression. They include:

• Psychoeducation – finding out more about bipolar disorder
• Mood monitoring – to help you pick up when your mood is swinging
• Mood strategies – to help you stop your mood swings going into a full-blown manic or depressive episode
• Developing general coping skills
• Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) for depression (Oh lovely really.)
  

Self help treatments can help with episodes of bipolar, including:

• Recognising the signs that your mood is swinging out of control so you can get help early.
• Finding out as much as you can about the condition.
• Avoiding particularly stressful situations.
• Having at least one person that you can rely on and confide in. When you’re well, make sure that they understand about bipolar disorder.
• Balancing your life, work, leisure-time and relationships.
• Exercising for 20 minutes or so, three times a week, should improve your mood.
• Doing things you enjoy.

Right. A few things to take into account. Starting to exercise to try and balance my mood avoiding stressful situations? Emotionally stressful particularly I'm guessing and currently any pressure is a big no no considering it makes my brain explode into little tiny bits.

Helping someone with bipolar disorder
When someone is depressed, it can be difficult to know what to say. They may see everything in a negative light and not be able to say what they want you to do. Listen and be patient and understanding. During mania, the person will appear to be happy, energetic or outgoing, but the excitement of any social situations will tend to push their mood even higher. Try to steer them away from parties or heated discussions, and try to persuade them to get help. In between mood episodes, find out more about bipolar disorder. Go to appointments with them (if they’re happy for you to do this) and make sure you give yourself space and time to recharge your batteries.

So this is what the bbc says. In case you were wondering.