Saturday I had the best night of my life. It consisted of my friends BBQ. Drinking from four in the afternoon, eating very little and finding this amazing place within myself. I drank a fair bit at my friend's house but when we got on the town I threw the vodka down my throat and when we moved from the pub to the club... I found myself very lashed but completely unrestrained.
If you've ever locked yourself in a box, with all your insecurity and doubt and suddenly exploded out of that into the euphoria of an evening, you'll know where it was I went. I found myself completely free, I was flying mentally, I didn't care if I looked like a prat, I was just completely gone out in a freefall and nothing could've stopped me.
Half the night escapes me even now, because I was in a different place, happy, just blissfully happy, I got in at half two this morning rolled into bed and couldn't sleep, woke up at seven and couldn't go back to sleep, drifted off eventually and then woke up at eleven.
Needless to say I haven't moved very far since I woke up. But that doesn't matter.
Sunday, 26 July 2009
Tuesday, 21 July 2009
Nothing Lasts
It was as if she had taken one of those pastry cutters, the kind used for cutting biscuits, pressed it into my chest for long enough and then went away with a big bit of muscle, still beating in the shape. And I was truely miserable.
Monday, 20 July 2009
Forever is Never
Some days the people who rescue us are never the people we expect. I usually imagine the most beautiful woman on earth sweeping me up on a horse to ride off into the sunset, and then we'd find her home was a beautiful fairy castle and we'd make mad passionate love on every surface within this castle before me lying in her arms and her telling me just how okay it was.
I slowed down somewhat, a lot really, took a good look at the situation I was in and today it finally ended. Thus ends this relationship for the last time. Nothing happened, the sky did not shatter into a million pieces and time did not freeze completely... I did not walk down the road howling in pain while my face reddened with tears, there was no thunderstorm, there was no cinematic afterward, I was not struck down by a vehicle, I did not run and have others follow. There was no music in the background, there was only blue skies and sunshine. Instead it was a 19 year old boy, out of the blue texting me asking me if I would be down the pub Thursday. A brief conversation and some concern later and he actually did exactly what I needed at that moment. I needed to know I was doing something this week, I needed to know people cared and I needed to know that someone, if I needed them, would be there even if it was just to get pissed with and cover up the wounds with a bit of old rag.
A hundred entries in this thing, with a good portion missing actually, and talk about a journey. And I'm so weary. The inevitable destination has arrived. Woopee. Someone crack out the cider. So why is it that I feel nothing? Because I already knew? Yes. Because I've spent every day since I met her morning her loss, yes. Because I've been pushed and pulled to the point where I don't know whether I'm coming or going... yes. Or just maybe, at the very end I really did just let go and do what I always do when I know the end is near: harden up, slam the door and build a new wall to keep them out. I once described myself to a therapist, saying that my defenses were like liquid and I would freeze them around people depending on the circumstances the would not move, they would not breathe in my world until I commanded it. And when it was safe for them to return to my world and they would not be trampling all over sore bits, then and only then they would be able to walk free.
Really what I was trying to say was something close to the 'you will sit on the naughty step for x amount of minutes and think about what you've done.' And in a sense it works. And I think today I slipped back into my old shell and took back to it. Mix cornflour and water in a washing up bowl.... running your fingers through it slowly finds it a liquid, easy to maneuver in, yet apply and force or pressure and it acts like a solid and any force as in punching it with your hand will be, in a sense, thrown back at you by a slab of cornflower-water. Perfect metaphor. Basic physics. Who knew.
I slowed down somewhat, a lot really, took a good look at the situation I was in and today it finally ended. Thus ends this relationship for the last time. Nothing happened, the sky did not shatter into a million pieces and time did not freeze completely... I did not walk down the road howling in pain while my face reddened with tears, there was no thunderstorm, there was no cinematic afterward, I was not struck down by a vehicle, I did not run and have others follow. There was no music in the background, there was only blue skies and sunshine. Instead it was a 19 year old boy, out of the blue texting me asking me if I would be down the pub Thursday. A brief conversation and some concern later and he actually did exactly what I needed at that moment. I needed to know I was doing something this week, I needed to know people cared and I needed to know that someone, if I needed them, would be there even if it was just to get pissed with and cover up the wounds with a bit of old rag.
A hundred entries in this thing, with a good portion missing actually, and talk about a journey. And I'm so weary. The inevitable destination has arrived. Woopee. Someone crack out the cider. So why is it that I feel nothing? Because I already knew? Yes. Because I've spent every day since I met her morning her loss, yes. Because I've been pushed and pulled to the point where I don't know whether I'm coming or going... yes. Or just maybe, at the very end I really did just let go and do what I always do when I know the end is near: harden up, slam the door and build a new wall to keep them out. I once described myself to a therapist, saying that my defenses were like liquid and I would freeze them around people depending on the circumstances the would not move, they would not breathe in my world until I commanded it. And when it was safe for them to return to my world and they would not be trampling all over sore bits, then and only then they would be able to walk free.
Really what I was trying to say was something close to the 'you will sit on the naughty step for x amount of minutes and think about what you've done.' And in a sense it works. And I think today I slipped back into my old shell and took back to it. Mix cornflour and water in a washing up bowl.... running your fingers through it slowly finds it a liquid, easy to maneuver in, yet apply and force or pressure and it acts like a solid and any force as in punching it with your hand will be, in a sense, thrown back at you by a slab of cornflower-water. Perfect metaphor. Basic physics. Who knew.
Sunday, 19 July 2009
.... and then I looked out of my window and it was raining
If I leave myself away from people long enough a strange thing happens. Firstly I have an odd tantrum, consisting mostly of 'I don't want to be alone'. But eventually, if I pull away slowly enough and can then tolerate my own company again something very odd happens. I stop running. You know that rushing, snowball effect drama, stress and life can have? Its as if someone snaps there fingers and it all melts away. I can go where I wish. Do as I wish. And have to answer to no one. And I can find infinate peace in nothingness.
Bizzare no? I can say I've done my own thing since yesturday morning maybe before then actually, I'm not sure, and there it is. I am just myself I can dream, I can say what I wish and I can think how I like. I've no obligation to anyone but myself. And today I savour this feeling because eventually the bubble with burst.
For now the pain is far away, the hurt is numbed and seperate from myself. I am really a magician, an escape artist of sorts and strangely enough, leave me alone for long enough and the baggage vanishes, the memories of everything ever done in the past year are forgotten, the chaos subsides and out of that something else appears. And I like to think, that something else is myself. So for now at least, its nice to be lonely.
Bizzare no? I can say I've done my own thing since yesturday morning maybe before then actually, I'm not sure, and there it is. I am just myself I can dream, I can say what I wish and I can think how I like. I've no obligation to anyone but myself. And today I savour this feeling because eventually the bubble with burst.
For now the pain is far away, the hurt is numbed and seperate from myself. I am really a magician, an escape artist of sorts and strangely enough, leave me alone for long enough and the baggage vanishes, the memories of everything ever done in the past year are forgotten, the chaos subsides and out of that something else appears. And I like to think, that something else is myself. So for now at least, its nice to be lonely.
Friday, 17 July 2009
Okay...
So I never did too well at staying away from a perfectly good outlet.
So. First question: How do you feel? A mixture of a lot of things thank you. Second question: Whats life looking like for you? Gained a few inches I suppose. Still an angry bugger. Still demending. Still needy. Still alive.
Have you ever got to the point where you just want to be heard... you keep saying the words but there not really going anywhere and the words you are saying are all the wrong ones and then you find yourself kicking yourself up the arse because everything your saying isn't really you at all. Well thats what I feel like. Think its just about time to stop speaking and start writing it all down. In one way or another.
Come on you pissing titbag what the hell are you doing!!?! I feel so much like I'm banging my head against a brick wall and blood's starting to come out of my ears. And the wall isn't anyone else but myself. I'm rushing too much. Keep snow balling. Need to bloody stop it. Need a bloody kick up the arse and a reality check.
Okay okay okay. Its fine there's a lot of stress there... your not good with stress. What else? I'm terrified things are happening beyond my control. Okay firstly (a conversation purely for myself) your not in control of anything darling. Secondly if things are going to happen there going to happen so stop worrying stop. Right now. Stop it! Thirdly. Be good to yourself. If your winding yourself up about a stupid thing like that then your clearly damaging yourself to begin with! Yeah and I know you can't really sit down and have a conversation with yourself and tell yourself exactly what your doing wrong and explain how to fix it. And I know that somethings are just built into your personality. But really babe. Really. You are on the verge of loosing it all if you do not stop and THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU ARE DOING!!? Head connecting with wall please. Really!?! Why are we even having this conversation you know what your doing so why are you doing it?! Your frightened thats fine your entitled to be but the only person your really hurting here is yourself. Hell if your not on the verge of loosing it all you already have just because your a bloody bone head and won't listen to reason. Come on now. Your not this person. This is not you. You should not have turned into this person. Come on. Fix it now. You don't get an infinate number of chances and guess what matey your running out of them. Your arguments are solid yes you don't know whats going on, shes not letting you be there, shes pushing you away, you want to make it all better, you want to know what the right thing to say is, you want to be there, you want to feel like she can't breathe without you. But just stop right there and remember she's got a life too. And think about her priorities and exactly who it is she's really going to listen to. And really your a shitbag mate! COME ON!!!?! Don't lie down and just let her walk all over you but at least TRY and be bloody understanding!!?! And no more self loathing and self pity! You can do that in your own time just not around her! So your going to sort yourself out your going to be calmer, your going to respond like NORMAL people do to things and your going to stop being so bloody volitile otherwise we're really going to have words my friend. Put all your dangerous bang bang chaos chaos screamy scream shit in a box! And only open that box when you are a) being creative b) exercising!!? YES YOU HEARD ME YOU LAZY BASTARD! YOU NEED TO DO MORE! or c) whatever else might need an extra boost of energy. Your capible of a lot and you know it. You shouldn't be being this destructive. Wake up!!
Okay... I'm sure telling yourself off isn't something normal... but sure. Okay. So lets do this.
So. First question: How do you feel? A mixture of a lot of things thank you. Second question: Whats life looking like for you? Gained a few inches I suppose. Still an angry bugger. Still demending. Still needy. Still alive.
Have you ever got to the point where you just want to be heard... you keep saying the words but there not really going anywhere and the words you are saying are all the wrong ones and then you find yourself kicking yourself up the arse because everything your saying isn't really you at all. Well thats what I feel like. Think its just about time to stop speaking and start writing it all down. In one way or another.
Come on you pissing titbag what the hell are you doing!!?! I feel so much like I'm banging my head against a brick wall and blood's starting to come out of my ears. And the wall isn't anyone else but myself. I'm rushing too much. Keep snow balling. Need to bloody stop it. Need a bloody kick up the arse and a reality check.
Okay okay okay. Its fine there's a lot of stress there... your not good with stress. What else? I'm terrified things are happening beyond my control. Okay firstly (a conversation purely for myself) your not in control of anything darling. Secondly if things are going to happen there going to happen so stop worrying stop. Right now. Stop it! Thirdly. Be good to yourself. If your winding yourself up about a stupid thing like that then your clearly damaging yourself to begin with! Yeah and I know you can't really sit down and have a conversation with yourself and tell yourself exactly what your doing wrong and explain how to fix it. And I know that somethings are just built into your personality. But really babe. Really. You are on the verge of loosing it all if you do not stop and THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU ARE DOING!!? Head connecting with wall please. Really!?! Why are we even having this conversation you know what your doing so why are you doing it?! Your frightened thats fine your entitled to be but the only person your really hurting here is yourself. Hell if your not on the verge of loosing it all you already have just because your a bloody bone head and won't listen to reason. Come on now. Your not this person. This is not you. You should not have turned into this person. Come on. Fix it now. You don't get an infinate number of chances and guess what matey your running out of them. Your arguments are solid yes you don't know whats going on, shes not letting you be there, shes pushing you away, you want to make it all better, you want to know what the right thing to say is, you want to be there, you want to feel like she can't breathe without you. But just stop right there and remember she's got a life too. And think about her priorities and exactly who it is she's really going to listen to. And really your a shitbag mate! COME ON!!!?! Don't lie down and just let her walk all over you but at least TRY and be bloody understanding!!?! And no more self loathing and self pity! You can do that in your own time just not around her! So your going to sort yourself out your going to be calmer, your going to respond like NORMAL people do to things and your going to stop being so bloody volitile otherwise we're really going to have words my friend. Put all your dangerous bang bang chaos chaos screamy scream shit in a box! And only open that box when you are a) being creative b) exercising!!? YES YOU HEARD ME YOU LAZY BASTARD! YOU NEED TO DO MORE! or c) whatever else might need an extra boost of energy. Your capible of a lot and you know it. You shouldn't be being this destructive. Wake up!!
Okay... I'm sure telling yourself off isn't something normal... but sure. Okay. So lets do this.
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