Try again

Rough up kid. No one's ever gonna be there for you the way they should be. No one's ever gonna love you the way you love them. Rough up and get through it. You wanna be listened, fight for it, scream until they hear no one else. And remember no one's gonna carry you, cos no one really gives a damn anymore.

Someday

Feel a bit... fixated. Locked on would be a good term. Just locked on to it again. Urgh. And its just screaming over and over in my head kinda like this: it was meant to be me. Why. Why all of this over and over again. Why can't you just let it go. Why can't you just let her go. Its not fair!! Why does this always happen to me! Why am I always left with nothing. Why. WHY!?!! etc. etc. etc.
I'm struggling.
I get this temporary amnesia around her and then she vanishes and all the pain comes back. All the rage. All the emotion bottled up so tight it just comes out as hostile aggression. Its not fair. How could she do this to me. How. Why. What did I do? What? I'm not a bad person really. Sure I have my flaws but I'm human right? I'm allowed to have them.
There are these people in life that aren't built to love right? Like there's people who are build to destroy everything they touch and others that are just built to succeed and out do everything. Maybe I just wasn't built to love or be loved for. Because there's this thing, this something that I can't seem to get past. Its like, I know its there, I can feel it, I know its there and the majority of it can belong to one person, I know that. I can give most of my heart away. I've done it before. Its just, there's an inch that just won't be had. Most of it is broken I know this much and there's an inch left. To be honest. Its been a never ending cycle, I'd open up, I'd let her see inside and then she'd hit me with a house brick. I was so strong, I just feel so tired and so chipped away at. I've got nothing left. I've got nothing left to give to anyone. I've barely got enough to keep me going let alone anyone else.
All of this fixing I did in the first place last year was for nothing. I filled the big empty space that had been left behind by a certain girl from Reading. I stopped being a heartless arse. I was okay. I was sound. And then she had a little bit of me, chewed it up and spat it out. And had another little bit and chewed it up and spat it out. Over and over and over. And slowly, I've got down to this last inch of beating muscle and its hardened and fortified and is refusing to budge. What have I ever done to you? You will not take everything from me. This bit is mine and you can back off if you think your ruining that too.
Or maybe I was built to love, because that last little bit of my heart is waiting for the right moment to belong to someone else. And now is not the right moment. Someday, someone isn't gonna take everything I've got, they'll give so much. And it'll be simple. And I won't be a paid whore. I will actually feel, like one sodding human being on this fucking planet really gives a damn and can't get enough of me. And it won't be me that loses. It'll be everyone else who had me and then lost be because they didn't know what they had when it was there. It'll be everyone that's ever taken me for fucking granted. Someday I'll win.

Woke up feeling nauseous you danced around my head.

Remember.... you know your mind better then anyone else. Most of the time. And today you hit reality again. Just to wish you hadn't.

Its a good a time as any to clean up this mess.

Life's like a jump rope

Breathe in and out... okay. Now its time to start talking. I've been trying to get my head around it all. Sure, its pretty simple really, pretty black and white. And maybe it's just been a long week but, I'm trying to be better and I'm trying to get past this all so that kinda starts with this.
Do you understand the horror of these words: Me or her. And if its me you don't see her anymore and if its her you don't see me anymore. And if you don't make a decision, I'll asume you have and you won't see me. And the person your looking at is the person you've been running around after for a long time, longer then anyone else, and there looking at you and you suddenly realise there not the person you thought they were. But they do exactly what you expect. Nothing. Completely nothing.
There was a dream once, that it could possibly work through everything. There was belief that it wasn't just a mess, that it was orchestrated chaos and it was going somewhere. Not just around in circles. And I'm so tired from it. The last year doesn't feel like a year, it feels like four or five, and I feel so stretched out and so defeated.
Bits of me feel so ruined and the entire world can see it, yes, I'm the idiot who chased after a girl with a girlfriend and lost. Never my luck. Its okay. Better off alone anyway. Next question is: How long am I gonna be picking up the pieces this time?
Its never fair. I'm always the idiot who gets smashed in half because I was too dumb to quit while I was ahead. Just give up. Clearly there is no fairytale. And I really do hope you two are very miserable together. Its okay though, because I have every faith that the universe will fuck you up the arse twice as hard as you fucked me up the arse. Have a nice day. :)

Flying High

A vote of confidence, faith, belief, from an outside party is a healer. If not a kick up the backside that screams "you will move, you will function correctly." From someone that you hold high in your opinion is better then any drug. They believe. And because they believe, so do I.
Renewed hope. I know I'm going to be fine. I just needed to hear that from one person in particular. I needed her to reach into my box, sit me on a kitchen counter and say: "It'll be okay, have a biscuit." Natural interference. It changes everything.
So today, I'm going back to the drawing board. I've got a few new ideas and its about time we made history.

My never

Will you think of me,
in time?
It's never my luck,
So never mind.
I wanna say your name,
But the pain starts
again,
It's never my luck,
So never mind.

Chorus:
And I had a dream that you were with me ,
it wasn't my fault,
you rolled me over,
flipped me over,
like a somersault.
That doesn't happen to me
I've never been here before
I saw forever in my never,
And I stood outside her
Heaven.

Will you wait for me,
In time?
It's never my luck,
So never mind.
And, yeah, I lost a lot of what I
don't expect to ever
return
I tend to push `em 'till the pushings turn from
hurting to burn,
I always take them to that place I thought they wanted
to go,
But end up dancing 'round
this clown commands,
applause at a show...

Chorus:
I had a dream that you were with me ,
It wasn't my fault,
you rolled me over,
flipped me over,
A somersault.
And that doesn't happen to me
I've never been here before
I saw forever in my never,
And I stood outside her
Heaven
Her heaven,
Heaven,
Heaven.

And I could only dream of you and sleep,
but I never see sunlight again,
I can try to be with you , but somehow I'll end up just losing a friend,
I can only reach for you
relate to you,
I'm losing my friend...
Where did she go?
Where?

Chorus:
I had a dream that you were with me ,
It wasn't my fault,
you rolled me over,
flipped me over,
like a somersault.
That doesn't happen to me
I've never been here before
I saw forever in my never,
And I stood outside her
Heaven
I stood outside her heaven
Let me in your heaven...

I wanna live inside your heaven.
by Blue October.

Crisis.

I'm having a crisis.
It starts with milk.... and will end with something going bang, crash, smash, boom.
Today will be shite.
Tomorrow will be no better.
Its okay. Just push it down. And it will eventually go away.