She's always looking at me....

Horoscope

There is an exciting surprise coming your way today, and it's going to push a few of your carefully-made plans off the track -- but you've been hoping for more spontaneous energy in your life, so this will be a very good thing! You'll be delighted by the unexpected developments and you'll be happy to be flexible. You can accommodate whatever has to happen. Plus, you'll find new appreciation for the unknown. This is a great day to build a new tradition and leave an outdated one far behind you

Spontaneous energy? you lie. Pssh. Unexpected developments? Where? Flexible? Does this mean I'm getting some at last? Urgh.

another day... in this life.

I'm am horrifically tired. I spent most of the night awake, picturing my eventual self destruction and could do nothing but picture it.
I cut my arms up elbow to wrist and then take it too far and cut across whatever vein and my mother finds me. Problem with empathising with the main character too much is, you know someone will always find away to save you. Self indulgent. Self absorbed. I have visions of me walking into the pub bandaged up. Refusing drink and getting copped by a few friends who are horrified. And then getting sent away into a supposed 'safe' place. Sectioned. For lack of a better word.
My brain is throbbing. So tired. Just one more day and then I can fall apart. Just one more day. I just need to make it through today and I can be as much as a shambles as I want. Two weeks off and I need to have a very scary conversation with my dad about making a doctors appointment.
I'm afraid, there's nothing more to say.

bang.................'shite is that.... is that your eye?'

Today I promised one of my lecturers that I was going to seek medical help.
I've had this conversation with her millions of times in my head, sometimes I'm screaming, smashing her face in and the conversation ends with her sailing out of the third story window. Other times I do nothing but break down.
Today I did nothing but break down. And I'm so full of this emotion that it comes again and again and again and I don't even know why now. No ones died. I'm not dying of some disease. I just can't seem to win. My entire life is one big failure. Because everything I try to do amounts to nothing.
Yes I'm being negative. I'm irrational and not in my right mind. But the fundamental law of my life is: I always lose.
Apparently its not a defeat to admit you need help. But why do I feel like it is? I'm nineteen? I shouldn't be this troubled. I can't deal with stress. I put far too much pressure on myself. And I'm terrified. And I know theres at least one person on this earth that is going to be reading this and make this post about them. It'll be something like: Why did you say that it makes me feel so bad? Or I don't like you being sad. Or I don't like your latest post. But before you decide to text me some bullshit about how you don't like me being sad or how you don't like my latest post because it makes you feel so very upset. Take this into consideration. This is my blog. This is my space. And I'll post what I fucking please because if I don't put it here where the hell am I going to put it?
Anyway. Tangent. I'm terrified. Of what? The unknown. The new. The lets throw you out of your comfort zone. The: oh my life I have no fucking clue what I'm going to do. I'm frightened. What am I meant to do? What!? WHAT IS IT!?! Run hide? Go? Leave? Stay? What?! Go forwards go backwards go left go right? What is it!?! Cos I don't bloody know. All I know is that I'm sitting with my laptop on across my legs, crying again, shaking again caught halfway between panic and hysteria.
There's too much in my head. At this rate I'm on a one way trip to crazy town.
And this is the odd thing. Ten seconds after describing myself crying shaking etc. I shut down completely and it all goes away. Its like this six inches of runway. I'm sitting at one airport and before I know it I've screamed my way down to the other airport and I'm at a completely different place. And how do I feel? Sick. Tired. Dead inside. I feel like someone has taken a giant chainsaw and cut me in half and my guts are kinda sloshing around all over the place.
I'm now sitting in the erratic place. Mild panic, mild disorder, I feel ill and fuzzyheaded. I've eaten. I'm tired. This happened earlier. Its like my head isn't attached to my shoulders. The bit inbetween my ears is really heavy.
I think I'm actually going mad. Little bit confused.

Time is relative...

...to the time spent wasting it.
I won't lie to you I don't believe in time. If time was purely real, moments of your life wouldn't last several years and several years wouldn't last moments. Soon I have two weeks off. And for this I am more then grateful because I will turn these two weeks into two years and simply exist because its what I'm supposed to do.
I'm a little bit hungover. Yesterday I decided college was cancelled, so I could spend my evening doing things of more importance. Like going to the pub and having good times with a few close friends. The problem with this is hanging out with someone you haven't seen for ages - you suddenly realise how small the world is. The knowing everyone in the pub you don't. So small. Or is that just the lesbian community?
I'm quite sleepy again, quite, tired in a 'thank god' kind of way. Currently I'm just very very willing to curl up in my blanket and sleep. But that could be because I had a horrible night's sleep. I got home at one, after walking home, and I was awake and then asleep and then awake and then asleep and in a horrible amount of pain because I came on yesterday. So lying in bed asking myself why I was gifted with a uterus turned into creeping down stairs in the search of painkillers at 3:40. And after that it was plain sailing. Just sleeps. Nothing less.
I think may be, I've caught up with myself, if that makes any sense? I still don't really want to talk, I don't want answers to questions. And I think that's best for now. I've been racing for so long that I've kind of stopped and let my feet catch up.
A fair bit of Monday I wanted to be sick, not through feeling ill, or eating too much or not eating enough. Tuesday wasn't so bad and my appetites back. And today? Today is just another day.
I think its time to play Squeaky.

You are wrong fucked and over rated. I think I'm gonna be sick and its your fault.

The healing powers of slipknot.

Issues

My fingers are covered in ink, I can still taste my last cigarette and I'm sitting in my flares, with my dads jumper on. Troy is on my telly, my dog is asleep on the floor and both of my knees are aching like there is an iron grip around both of them. I am tired. So tired.

Where did it all go? One of those questions. How did I get here? I've gotten to that place where questions are left unanswered because I don't want to talk anymore. I don't want the answers. So instead I'm sitting in front of the tv. Far far away in my head. I was the same at college, further away actually because I was surrounded by people. I woke up so angry. So angry I was shaking, screaming angrily in my head at various faces, my heart beat was loud in my head, all fire and brimstone before plunging straight down. Last night when I walked into the house I found myself looking at scottish mist. Fabulous. Hallucinating again. Today is a very manic day.
So now I'm all comfort and waiting on comfort food. I won't say anything else on any other matter.

Between the Lines

Time to tell me the truth
To burden your mouth for what you say
No pieces of paper in the way
Cause I can't continue pretending to choose
The opposite sides on which we fall
The loving you laters if at all
No right minds could wrong me this many times

My memory is cruel
Im queen of attention to details
Defending intentions if he fails
Until now, he told me her name
It sounded familiar in a way
I could have sworn i'd heard him say it ten thousand times
If only i had been listening

Leave unsaid unspoken
Eyes wide shut unopened
You and me
Always between the lines
Between the lines

I thought i thought i was ready to bleed
That we'd move from the shadows on the wall
And stand in the center of it all
Too late two choices to stay or to leave
Mine was so easy to uncover
He'd already left with the other
So i've learned to listen through silence

Leave unsaid unspoken
Eyes wide shut unopened
You and me be
You and me always be

I tell myself all the words he surely meant to say
I'll talk until the conversation doesn't stay on
Wait for me i'm almost ready
When he meant let go

Leave unsaid unspoken
Eyes wide shut unopened
You and me
Always be
You and me
Always between the lines

- Sara Bareilles: Between the Lines. Album: Little Voice.
I don't need to say anything else.