Head underwater and you tell me to breathe easy for a while

I've done some serious concertina playing the last few days, and as a result, my arms are tired, wrist to shoulder, and my fingers aren't that better off either.

Horoscope today:
Your analytical skills are adequate for any research you're doing right now in your working life, but when it comes to figuring stuff out in your love life, you can't use logic. Facts are nonexistent -- you only have your gut to go on when it comes to emotions. People are too complicated to be figured out objectively, plus they are known to change their mind! If you want to unravel your feelings about someone, just let yourself feel what you feel. Don't try to tell yourself how to feel.

The key words being 'Don't try to tell yourself how to feel.' Okay. Will do cap'ain. The new song of the moment is: Love song by Sara Bareilles.


Head under water
And you tell me to breathe easy for a while
The breathing gets harder, even I know that
Made room for me but it's too soon to see
If I'm happy in your hands

I'm unusually hard to hold on to
Blank stares at blank pages
No easy way to say this
You mean well, but you make this hard on me
I'm not gonna write you a love song
'cause you asked for it
'cause you need one, you see

I'm not gonna write you a love song
'cause you tell me it's
Make or break in this
If you're on your way
I'm not gonna write you to stay
If all you have is leaving I'm gonna need a better
Reason to write you a love song today

I learned the hard way
That they all say things you want to hear
And my heavy heart sinks deep down under you and
Your twisted words,
Your help just hurts
You are not what I thought you were
Hello to high and dry
Convinced me to please you
Made me think that I need this too
I'm trying to let you hear me as I am

I'm not gonna write you a love song
'cause you asked for it
'cause you need one, you see
I'm not gonna write you a love song
'cause you tell me it's
Make or break in this
If you're on your way
I'm not gonna write you to stay
If all you have is leaving I'm gonna need a better
Reason to write you a love song today

Promise me that you'll leave the light on
To help me see with daylight, my guide, gone
'cause I believe there's a way you can love me
Because I say
I won't write you a love song
'cause you asked for it
'cause you need one, you see

I'm not gonna write you a love song
'cause you tell me it's make or break in this
Is that why you wanted a love song
'cause you asked for it
'cause you need one, you see
I'm not gonna write you a love song
'cause you tell me it's make or break in this
If you're on your way
I'm not gonna write you to stay
If your heart is nowhere in it
I don't want it for a minute
Babe, I'll walk the seven seas when I believe that
There's a reason to
Write you a love song today

Because posting crap is what we're good at. Typically, I am still the Schmuck.

Squeaky

Today i feel rather elevated, despite the recent events of the past three/four/five days. My dad is slightly amazing sometimes. It was last year, I forget exactly when, me and dad were in the car talking about instruments we'd like to learn. And I mentioned I'd love to learn how to play the squeezebox, anglo concertina. My birthday came and with it so did an anglo concertina, fondly called Squeaky for obvious reasons.
Squeaky and I became thick as thieves very quickly, I loved her, I still love her, I can't help it. She's nothing special, 20 button, 10 button either side with an extra button to release air out of the bellows. She's not that attractive either, she looks more like a toy then anything. Green and red with yellow paper bellows with little flowers painted on. There's metal clasps at every corner, and the two ends are wood work, nothing fancy, just hexagonal and bolted. The straps are red and the buttons are white, in case you were wondering. Plain in comparison to most concertinas. But shes wonderful. And I adore her.
I started off on the absolute beginners guide to the anglo concertina written by Mick Bramich. I can play a few tunes from it, but mostly got bored because there's so little in there, few Christmas carols, 'sweet jenny jones' and a very small simplified version of the 'wild rover'. And really that's all I've had interest in. But my dad, the amazing man picked up a new book for me today, In-between anglo by the same author.
I had a book for Christmas, but being unable to read music it just wasn't happening. But I will learn, eventually. So after hitting a bit of a wall I've got some new material, that further on goes into a more complicated thirty button machine and gives you tips on how to read music. Huzzah!!! Joyous day.
So, me and Sqeaky are enjoying this new development in music. No I've never been musically talented, for the better part I'm dyslexic, have trouble with numbers and never really managed to understand music. The love story between me and Squeaky was and still is bizarre. I picked her up and within three hours knew where all the buttons were and picked up a fair bit. It was magic.
And no, an anglo concertina isn't easy to play, it requires hours of practise. But I love it, and now also want a melodeon similar concept, bellows, buttons, slightly larger, more buttons, looks more like an accordion.
First love: Words. Second Love: Squeaky.
Without a doubt.

Friday

Todays horoscope:

It is always fun to reminisce with other people about your shared pasts, but today the mists of your memories will do nothing but cloud your vision. Right now, you need total clarity to make some important decisions. Try to live in the present today -- face forward and keep thinking about the next adventure. Dwelling on your past failures or successes is nothing but a waste of time. Turn away from your memories and toward future opportunities.

Translation: Look forward not backward. Keep rolling.

I'm still exhusted. I had such a vile night's sleep. Urgh. I need rocket fuel... nutella on toast thank you please. :(

Tears and a rant

Tonight I get in, to PS I love you. Because there's nothing much else I fancy watching. Whats on my mind right at this moment: Half way across the country tonight. In a bed with someone else. Most presumably.
Am I paranoid because I can never seem to get past this little issue? Or is it just not right? It makes me sad and makes me feel crazy because I don't know... my opinions don't count for much evidently. That and she won't see her actions have reactions and consequences and effect people, she lives in a bubble all blissful and 'lalala if I can't see it its not happening'. I'd like a little reassurance something more solid then liquid. I'd like all these words passed between us to actually come to something. The plans we say we'll do to happen. I don't want to be disappointed at every turn. I've had enough, I'm human, not made of steel. I don't want to be paranoid and upset and hurting and crying randomly. I don't want to be full of grief and chaos. I like this little calm peaceful place I'm in now. Just let go off stuff and floating around with no worries. I'm being good at this I'm not involved complex I'm just okay. Okay okay okay okay okay. Let go of it all. Don't care, she can do what she wants.
I've got this tiny little fortress around myself currently. Big walls, spikes, guys with machine guns on the walls, thick armour bullet proof glass. All of this mush. Sure there are machete's and little men running around with spears. Put myself in a safe place. I was thinking today.... some people just want to be loved. I don't. I want to be loved, but I want all the trimmings as well.

• I want a girl who'll call me up randomly and say something like: "I was thinking of you, lets go out/have a night in/have some us time."
  
• I want a girl who'll get me over hers just to fall asleep on me.
  
• I want a girl who knows my shit, respects it, understands it, attempts to avoid making it worse, avoid tripping over the mr hyde trigger. A girl who knows that sometimes I don't want to talk about it I just want to a cuddle to forget it.
  
• I want a girl who puts me first, because I put her first in every situation. And a girl who meets me half way.
  
• Who isn't part time. Who keeps her promises and her word and doesn't bend the truth or just not tell me things. Who doesn't leave me hanging all day just to tell me she'll be out in an hour.
• I'd like to be the one taken home, instead of the one strung along by her ankles for six miles to no real destination.
  

Sometimes I'm just so sick and tired. I'm so full of everything and it just builds up and up and up and then there it goes, splurge. Small volcano. I'm tired of being torn in half. What do they want really? What do women want? What? They want us to ask they don't want us to ask, they want us around they don't want us around, they want us to take there shit they don't want us to take there shit, they want us to be there they don't want us to be there. What is it? What do you people want? There is nothing I could possibly do right.
I just want.... want.... want..... need... I don't want to be loved. Love is nothing when it comes right down to it. I want to be completed. I want that body part I'm missing. I need to be someones number one. I'm tired of being the loser. I want a 'PS I love you' kind of love: I want life to change as I know it for the good. I need it to. I want to be part of a unit and know that nothing could come between us. I'm tired of feeling everyone is so half hearted when it comes to me. I'm tired of wanting substance. I want it to be there sooo there I can't run from it. I need it to be there. I need to be held. I'm tired of walking into rooms full of people and feeling so.... alone. I'm tired of locking it all away where no one can see. I want to be fought for, fought for so hard that I can't possibly resist. I'm tired of fighting, I've got no fight left in me I just really want to be wanted. Really and truly want to be needed. So completely that life doesn't make sense otherwise. I want to have all of those magical moments, kissing in the rain and the snow and going out for a quick drink just to go home and fall asleep in front of the fire. What's so hard about that....? I'm right here. Right here. All you have to do is fight the dragon and charge in. Fight for me! Pester!! Pay me a little undivided attention!!?! I'm still female!? I know I'm emotionally shite and just kinda shut down and vanish on you but I'm here?!! Go the distance go on I dare you. I bloody dare you to fight for me.
I'm so tired. Overtired. I'm hurting and I'm emotional and there's this downfall to this little fortress I've got around myself. Doesn't stop it hurting. Just stops people seeing it.

Fuck you. Fuck you very very much.

Lily Allen is currently a legend in my world.
Sure she was a legend already swimming topless all over the place. But more so currently. The new album, 'its not me, its you.' is decent. Very decent. 'I could say' is very amazing to me. Its very of the 'now' if you get my meaning.
I'm a little too obsessed with music. And for a while I've been thinking of getting hold of Lily Allen again and giving her a real good listen to. So I'm doing just that and I'm a little in love with this affair.
I miss a few of my far away friends today. Just because they'd both make it all better and fix it all. With one I'd go see a film, we'd share a McDonalds, drive around in his car, have a laugh, talk and it'd be alright. With the other we'd more then likely stay in, watch films, cuddle and not need to say a word cos it wouldn't be needed. And both of them have this quality no one else has, of just making it all alright. No need to worry.
But lately I'm being very good, I'm not worried in the slightest. I haven't wound myself up for a while and I'm okay. I'm liking seeing a few different faces too, its nice to have variation and not do the same every night. Its nice, its a bit brighter lately, not so doom and gloom. I do love the sunshine.
I'd like to stay on this little manic trip I've got going on here. I've let go of the problem that big thing that was just causing my emotion to fester and bubble like a catalyst. I just need to get through college and then I'm free of education. Then I can really start living.

Abomination

A cup of hot water with milk and sugar in it does not constitute as a cup of tea!?!!

I've decided I need one of those alarm things that wakes me up in the morning with a cup of tea, breakfast and sex.... wait..... is that a girlfriend I'm defining?

Bite me

Shall we pretend you, my darling readers, all ... two and a half of you, have asked me: So, how have the last few days been? Vile my love. Completely vile. :D
We've had: cold shoulders, tantrums, unexpected reactions and really its quite obvious what someones been doing all weekend. But oddly enough I don't give a damn.
Last night was the first good night I've had in a long time. I bought one drink and paid my entry into a club and still managed to get fucked off my face. It was rather amazing, I was with people who don't expect anything from me and don't toss me aside like an old shoe just because they can and because someone else is there. It was like going home. I've always said that lot are like family to me and they so are, last night proved it. I adore them completely because even after months of not seeing each other properly nothings changed. Its a nice reminder that some people are stable in what they think of me.
The only downside of last night was the rather large girl who took a shine to me. I was in my docs, skinny jeans rolled up, punisher shirt and braces. Looking very boy. As I do. First off she asks me if I'm a transman - I was really tempted to bind last night but decided against it. My answer: No... I just like drag. And I wasn't particularly dragged. Really. Its strange the reaction people have when you say: Yeah tonight my names jack. But then she took to deciding I 'must' dance, which I didn't out of pride because she practically tried to carry me to the dance floor, I'm impressed with my resistance because she was damn huge and I'm a rake and she couldn't budge me. But in doing this she broke my braces, well, my MATE'S braces that I borrowed, ARGH not good. Fucker.
What else..? Friday day I managed to bite off one of the balls on my tongue bar and swallow it, really not impressed. Friday was a nice day, up until the point I got to the pub. I had been over excitable and bouncy for nearly two days solid and the minute there's a door slammed in my face it kinda sobered me up from it all and I just plunged into tired and a sick feeling. I think she's shut the door good and proper this time, because she's 'being good' with who exactly? Me or everyone? Just me I reckon. This is one of the things I hate about women, they can be completely fine with you and then a few hours later that's it. You've had it all and that's it. I'm not worrying though. As I said before, she can do what she wants and so can I.
Fundamental law of this girl: When she's there she's really there and when she's not she's REALLY not. (Imagine the high pitched squeak at 'REALLY'.) But that's okay. Because there's a new fundamental law building into my system, its called 'the bite me' reaction/system/device... whatever I'm not sure what it is. It starts like: You either want me or you don't want me. Not just some of the time not just most of the time, its either all the time or nothing, just me and no one else. And if you can't deal with that, you can bite me cos I'm not settling for less. This is coupled with: Clearly if I don't believe a word your saying because EVERYTHING you're doing is completely contradicting everything you're saying then, you also bite me.
Self preservation. Definition: Protecting what I've got left, before you desecrate that as well.